Support when your SO is away.

[crimewatcher]

What is your support system like when your SO is gone?

H is gone a ton and I've kept a great attitude (mostly because we were LD for 6 years). I get a long with his command and make sure to go to as many Squad events as I can. I've got some local friends including the Key Spouse for our squad. But TBH that's it for support (excluding my Mom, whom I talk to everyday).

I make sure to be there for my friends when their H is gone. Help them out mow, watch the pets etc. I'm starting to notice it's not being reciprocated which bums me out. I don't need help with chores, kids or anything like that - but would like a call to check in while H is gone. I've always kept the attitude that they have more going on than I do so I try to just keep myself busy.

I'm curious if my situation is normal. I know it differs with military branches and since H is a Pilot in the AF he doesn't deploy with his entire squad unit, but usually there are a few gone at the same time so it's easy to know/find the other person whose spouse is gone.

[crimewatcher]

p.s. I'm off to work so I'll be back to chat in a couple of hours.

[brandienee]

I go crazy with busy work. I am a huge introvert, so my "support group" is small. I don't live close to base, so I don't usually hang out with other spouses. Our key spouse system is a joke, I get better info from H himself than I do the key spouse. I wasn't contacted during his last deployment at all. But I don't want/expect people to check in on me, offer to mow, feed me meals... Exc. I just want to continue on with my life as normal as possible. I love hanging out with friends, but don't want special attention because H is deployed. /shrug.

My H is a pilot too, and he does short deployments, so it could be different. It's one thing if he is only gone for 8 weeks, it's a whole different animal if he is gone for 18 months.

[NomadicMama]

Last deployment, thanks to the Army, I was able to move to live near my family. So, I had their help and support (which I ended up needing as a result of a difficult delivery and severe PPD).

This deployment is different. Three months ago we moved to Germany. DH heads out for a year very soon. We have an almost three year old. I have thrown myself into two well established activities on post. I volunteered to be a discussion group leader for the chapel's MOPS program. And I was asked to be the publicity chairperson for our local PWOC. (This was surprised and flattered me.). Keeping busy and in contact with military spouses will help me through this coming year. These two organizations are taking steps to help support the families on post with deployed service members. It will be helpful to have people to turn to.

I hate that DH is deploying, but this is going to be a great experience for me. This move, coupled with DH's absence have pushed me to get out of the house. I am a people person, but I've become less involved in the community with each successive move. Because of our circumstances, I know that I would be miserable simply caring for our toddler. I am looking forward to doing things for me, in addition to caring for my son. My commitments may make life more challenging, but it will make it more rewarding, too.

I am glad that I am not having to rely upon the FRG either--as they have proven to be fairly inept to this point. My DH gave my information to the staff person who is responsible for the flow of information. I attended the last FRG meeting and handed the FRG leader my email address and asked her to include me. Nothin'. Fortunately, a friend is forwarding the info to me. But her DH is leaving his position to take command, so I may need to find somebody else to forward emails to me.

OP, I'm sorry that your friends are not doing for you as you have done for them. Do they know that your DH is gone? (I ask only because some people are very good at keeping this information quiet.). I wonder if you have done such a good job of projecting a confident air that they don't think you need help. I'm not saying that's right, though. I think that I might be inclined to find new friends if the current ones aren't stepping up.

[ilovecandy]

Mostly I do what I always do. Work, see friends. Other than that because of my knee issues we are paying a neighbor to mow our lawn (though he said he prob wasn't going to actually collect but we will give him something). Since H's unit is individual deployment his SFC is here (direct supervisor when he is here). He checks up on me every so often to make sure I am ok.

This unit as a whole though has been way more supportive than his last. People have dropped by, and made an effort to try to include me in things since H is gone. Our FRG leader brought me a magazine the day after he left.

[crimewatcher]

Jun 7, 2012 11:55:17 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

Last deployment, thanks to the Army, I was able to move to live near my family. So, I had their help and support (which I ended up needing as a result of a difficult delivery and severe PPD).

This deployment is different. Three months ago we moved to Germany. DH heads out for a year very soon. We have an almost three year old. I have thrown myself into two well established activities on post. I volunteered to be a discussion group leader for the chapel's MOPS program. And I was asked to be the publicity chairperson for our local PWOC. (This was surprised and flattered me.). Keeping busy and in contact with military spouses will help me through this coming year. These two organizations are taking steps to help support the families on post with deployed service members. It will be helpful to have people to turn to.

I hate that DH is deploying, but this is going to be a great experience for me. This move, coupled with DH's absence have pushed me to get out of the house. I am a people person, but I've become less involved in the community with each successive move. Because of our circumstances, I know that I would be miserable simply caring for our toddler. I am looking forward to doing things for me, in addition to caring for my son. My commitments may make life more challenging, but it will make it more rewarding, too.

I am glad that I am not having to rely upon the FRG either--as they have proven to be fairly inept to this point. My DH gave my information to the staff person who is responsible for the flow of information. I attended the last FRG meeting and handed the FRG leader my email address and asked her to include me. Nothin'. Fortunately, a friend is forwarding the info to me. But her DH is leaving his position to take command, so I may need to find somebody else to forward emails to me.

OP, I'm sorry that your friends are not doing for you as you have done for them. Do they know that your DH is gone? (I ask only because some people are very good at keeping this information quiet.). I wonder if you have done such a good job of projecting a confident air that they don't think you need help. I'm not saying that's right, though. I think that I might be inclined to find new friends if the current ones aren't stepping up.

My friends do know my H is gone, he is coming and going a lot and although I don't put any of it on facebook I let them know via text or phone call. I think you're right about the confident air. Its my Achilles heel if you will. I've been super chill about his schedule, I work on base plus make a lot of the events so they know I have been handle it well - which makes us believe that is why he keeps getting picked up for more missions (he is also a Kick A Pilot).

I miss him, but my dog is super awesome and my pal. In the end, it's just me he is leaving so it is much easier to deal. When we have a baby or toddler I'm sure my cool demeanor will quickly fade.

[nsl]

Work, friends (and FWIW, my local friends have always been far more understanding and supportive than my military friends--for them it isn't so "normal" for a spouse to be gone for extended periods) and online support groups/random message boards have always helped me through separations.

[crimewatcher]

Jun 7, 2012 15:51:31 GMT -5 nsl said:

Work, friends (and FWIW, my local friends have always been far more understanding and supportive than my military friends--for them it isn't so "normal" for a spouse to be gone for extended periods) and online support groups/random message boards have always helped me through separations.

I do feel like the odd ball some times because none of my friend's SO are gone as much or as long as H... even though they have the same job.

I need to get more non-mil friends though. But it's hard since I work on base now. Hopefully the summer softball league I joined has some sweet people in it.

[basilosaurus]

I try to avoid the mil community now that I live in a location where that's possible. We've spent years apart, on and off, and I was able to do that with the support of friends, not some spouse gathering. I'm just really not into those things. Plus, as a woman in her 30s who doesn't have and doesn't particularly want kids, I'm somewhat of an outcast in the mil community. At least compared to where I come from, the mil world definitely has kids young. Almost none of my friends from high school or college have kids yet.

Plus, I'm quite content living on my own most of the time. I did it long before I started dating H, and I did it on occasion after we were married, depending on where he was living/deployed.

[poppet]

DH is deployed right now and I honestly have no support system. I'm not close to my family and have no friends in the area besides my neighbors (who are expecting a baby any day now and are understandably busy!). I've tried branching out into the military mom groups but can't handle the stupid drama. Our key Spouse group is a joke and I haven't heard one word from anyone in DHs unit despite attending all the get togethers & events.

So far I am doing ok an just staying busy with DD but I am slowly feeling the effects. I am nervous for how this will be as my pregnancy advances. So far I haven't been impressed with the "military family" everyone talks about

[prettyinpink]

The only time E deployed while he was in I was still in college and used to seeing him only every 3 months anyways so extending it 7 months wasn't that big of a deal to me. It as hard and I was a mess the first day but it was doable. My roommate kept me busy and I was involved in 2 clubs at school as an officer and working part time. It got old with classmates asking me how I was doing and when E would be back but I kind of put up this shield and was really nonchalant about how I was doing great and E was great ect. It was really nice to have my family only 2 hours away and a roommate who had had her brother deploy twice.

[Dumbledork]

All the mil wives I knew from H's last unit have since left, and have gone too drama llama on fb for me to want to hang out with them anyway. All the wives I like at his new unit will be leaving when their spouses PCS in the coming months. Most mil wives, at least in this area, annoy the hell out of me. My non-mil friends in the area don't have kids and we've slowly grown apart since I had Bean.

That said, I'm a loner. I don't like to drink or party, and when I have free time I like to hang out on my own. When H is gone, my support system is skype with my parents and the hourly care child care center in town. Life carries on as normal, and when I feel stressed or to my breaking point, I drop Bean off at the care center and come home to paint a room or tear up a corner of the yard. My neighbor is a vet and he and his wife will check in with me from time to time to see if I need help with anything, but that's really it.

I did go home for K's first deployment because I'd just had Bean, and I thought I would need a better support system than I had here. My family was helpful, but I did most things on my own anyway, and I missed the city. I've been kickin it on my own since then.