Do you agree with me or my H?

[eav2c]

My H and I are completely disagreeing on a few things re: my dad and it's irritating the ever living shit out of me. We're still working on getting medicare to pay for my dad's long term nursing care and once it goes through we will move him into a facility down here. I am hoping to go look at some facilities this weekend and I told my H when we move my dad down here that my H either needs to go up and get him alone or we go together. My dad cannot use the bathroom alone and therefore, IMO, we need a man with us to bring him to the bathroom since we will be flying. My H disagrees and told me to bring my dad into the women's bathroom. I feel that this is totally inappropriate. He does not. My dad is kind of a pervy old man - and also probably wouldn't feel comfortable using the ladies bathroom. But like, when I ask him what he 'wants' in terms of a nursing home he says "hot women." I just think it would be crazy to bring him into a crazy populated women's bathroom at the airport and he will absolutely have to use the bathroom 101 times. So, my H thinks he doesn't need to go and that I should just go alone (I feel like he's really dropping the ball on me - team effort here, man!). Secondly, my H feels I shouldn't tell my brother at all, EVER, that I'm moving my dad to TN. I get my brother is a total jackass dirtball but I think my brother should be given a few days notice so that he can go see my dad should he choose to. Unless we miraculously make up and my brother and his wife get off their ass and come to TN (unlikely with how things are going), that they won't see my dad again and I feel like I should give them one opportunity to spend time with him. My H totally disagrees and feels like they will purposefully make things difficult, which they might try, but the nursing home knows my brother is a total POS and he has no say in anything at this point. I would only give him very short notice too, like, 3-7 days. I think that's fair. So, who do you agree with?

[Deleted]

I'd tell your brother in advance.

I have no advice on the bathroom thing. There is a possibility the airports would have "family" bathrooms that he could use.

[eav2c]

Apr 10, 2013 9:08:17 GMT -5 @lindy said:

I'd tell your brother in advance.

I have no advice on the bathroom thing. There is a possibility the airports would have "family" bathrooms that he could use.

Thats what I was thinking too. I did keep an eye out when I was at the airport a few weeks back and didn't see any but it doesn't mean they dont have any.

[orriskitten]

I think in terms of the bathroom if your H refuses to go that you should take him into the men's room. also, a lot of airports now have the family bathrooms which are a single large room which would make life much easier, I think. If you had to take your LO then you cannot do it alone. If your H stays home, will he be with the baby? I cannot see how someone would care for an elderly person and a baby in that situation. Not having the baby, though, would make life a lot easier.

As for your brother, I'm afraid I have very little advice since I'd be conflicted as well. On one hand he has had plenty of time to spend with him, but then he would be moved far away so he can't take your dad being there for granted. If he would make it more difficult, I would tell him after everything is finalized., I'd probably give no more than a day or two for him to say goodbye. I forget, your brother has kids, right? If nothing else, I'd give the opportunity for your nieces/nephews to say goodbye and such. If I'm mistaken and no kids it wouldn't weigh add heavily for me.

[ruby412]

I think you do need to tell your brother what's going on. If something happens to you, he needs to know where his dad is.

As for the bathroom issue, it's not appropriate to bring your dad to a women's room. You could try to use a family bathroom. (We used one recently at PHL with Violet, so I know they have them there.)

But realistically, your H should just come to help you. That is what husbands/partners are for - support in life when needed. You need support here.

[Deleted]

Before even reading the thread, I thought, I totally side with you! Even after reading it, I agree. I would give your brother a heads up. I also think it would be very hard to move your dad with just one person so I think both of you should go. If you have any carry-ons, who will stay with the bags when you both go to the bathroom (I agree that there should be family restrooms at airports). As for if there are not family restrooms, I would not think twice about it if there was an old man in the ladies bathroom that was getting assistance by a woman.

[orriskitten]

Oh also, I'd call the airport and ask if there are arrangements you can make to help him. I would be there are facilities for people who are disabled. You might need a wheelchair anyway. Can't hurt to reach out and see what resources are available.

[oso]

I think that most larger public places have a family bathrooms. I do think your husband should go with you. Not because of the bathroom thing, but because it seems like an incredibly stressful situation. You don't need your brother there if he is going to add to the stress. You need your husband.

[mala]

I agree with you on the bathroom. You should both go though because you have his POA & are his daughter. If there's a problem that will carry more weight than son in law.

I agree with your H on your brother.

[eav2c]

Thanks guys. Glad I'm not crazy. My H is being a total ass about all of this (in terms of not wanting to participate). It's not like him. The baby wouldn't be with us. The baby would stay with the IL's for the day. I'm glad to know there are family bathrooms. I didn't see any when I was there but that is good and will help.

Calling ahead for accommodations is a great idea. We will definitely need special arrangements and my dad can't walk much so a wheelchair is a necessity.

My brother has no children. It's just him and his wife and since my dad went to the nursing home March 4th, they haven't seen him. Likewise, my brother saw him once when he entered the hospital on February 15th. They live 20 minutes from him. So, I doubt they will care to go see him but I think it's important to give the chance.

[kkfeb04]

I will type a better response about Medicare regs at lunch.

First, did he have a 3 day qualifying hospital stay? Was he actually admitted (not observation status) for 3 over midnight days?

Second, if he had that, was he admitted under a skilled nursing stay? Was it related to the hospitalization?

Third, if he had that and no longer met the requirements of a skilled stay, did the facility issue an LCD (last covered day notice)?

Medicare doesn't pay for long-term nursing care. They will pay for any services like rehab, radiology, any docs, while in a nursing facility or anywhere really but it won't pay room and board.

Any questions, please pm me.

Also, you should tell your brother, if you don't he may be a prick and report him missing.

And your H should go with you

[eav2c]

Apr 10, 2013 9:26:31 GMT -5 kkfeb04 said:

I will type a better response about Medicare regs at lunch.

First, did he have a 3 day qualifying hospital stay? Was he actually admitted (not observation status) for 3 over midnight days?

Second, if he had that, was he admitted under a skilled nursing stay? Was it related to the hospitalization?

Third, if he had that and no longer met the requirements of a skilled stay, did the facility issue an LCD (last covered day notice)?

Medicare doesn't pay for long-term nursing care. They will pay for any services like rehab, radiology, any docs, while in a nursing facility or anywhere really but it won't pay room and board.

Any questions, please pm me.

Also, you should tell your brother, if you don't he may be a prick and report him missing.

And your H should go with you

Eek, I meant Medicaid. I get them confused like a dummy. I have a packet from the PA dept of public welfare and the person I'm dealing with at the states end says he will be covered. They will obviously take his SS buy at least he's getting taken care of.

He was in the hospital 3 weeks. He was was admitted under skilled nursing care and was deemed incompetent with dementia. I had a phone conference with the facility that said he needs skilled care for the rest of his life.

I might PM you in a bit. C is in a funk right now so that is why my answers are short.

[jfh]

Does YH have a valid reason for not going? I mean, a REALLY REALLY valid reason? If not, I think the bathroom issue is only one reason why he should definitely go. This trip is a big deal both physically and emotionally, and he needs to be there to support you and help you.

In terms of your brother, I agree you should tell him, but I think 7 days is too much notice. I'd keep it to 2-3. Less time for him to concoct a way to make your life harder.

Lastly, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  (hug)

[mala]

You can probably double check online to see about family bathrooms at the airports you'll be flying through.

[kdrake8]

Apr 10, 2013 9:41:47 GMT -5 jfh said:

Does YH have a valid reason for not going? I mean, a REALLY REALLY valid reason? If not, I think the bathroom issue is only one reason why he should definitely go. This trip is a big deal both physically and emotionally, and he needs to be there to support you and help you.

In terms of your brother, I agree you should tell him, but I think 7 days is too much notice. I'd keep it to 2-3. Less time for him to concoct a way to make your life harder.

Lastly, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  (hug)

ALLLLL of this. And I'm so sorry

[rxbeth]

Apr 10, 2013 10:10:17 GMT -5 kdrake8 said:

Apr 10, 2013 9:41:47 GMT -5 jfh said:

Does YH have a valid reason for not going? I mean, a REALLY REALLY valid reason? If not, I think the bathroom issue is only one reason why he should definitely go. This trip is a big deal both physically and emotionally, and he needs to be there to support you and help you.

In terms of your brother, I agree you should tell him, but I think 7 days is too much notice. I'd keep it to 2-3. Less time for him to concoct a way to make your life harder.

Lastly, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  (hug)

ALLLLL of this. And I'm so sorry

Ditto.

[melis74]

I am with you on both of those. If he really doesn't go with you then you can always look for the family bathrooms, I'm pretty sure most airports have those now.

[charlielove]

I agree with you, eav. Your H needs to come and deal with the bathroom stuff, it would make you and your dad more comfortable, I'm sure.

[creamsiclechica]

I agree with you! I know there's a family bathrooms in both Philly and Nashville airports because we've taken A in them, but that doesn't alleviate the entire issue for you, so I think your husband should go. I love Ruby's response, she took the words right out of my mouth! Good luck!!

[mumegs]

I would definitely tell your brother, and make your DH go. Maybe he feels weird about helping your dad use the bathroom?
I just flew w Macy and there were family bathrooms at every airport we went to, thank God.

[spaghetticat]

I agree with you on all counts. I know it's not fun for YH, but you're right, you're a team. If he absolutely cannot go, could you call the airport and explain the situation? If not a family restroom, Maybe they have an employee bathroom or something. I'm sorry this is something you even have to deal with.

[eav2c]

I don't know what is up with him. I suspect it is several things. I think he's worried about money and I think he's dealing with some depression. I think that he just keeps thinking this is going to cost us too much so only I should go. I intend on using some of the money my dad has accumulated over the last two months to pay for flights. Even if it's just $200-300 just to help offset the cost to us. He has no valid reason not to go. He just thinks its a bad idea. Now he keeps saying we will discuss it once we find a facility.

[sunshineluv]

Team you.

[angiekay84]

Yep, add me to the kid agreeing with you. Your dad shouldn't go into the women's bathroom, that Wouk make him and the other ladies uncomfortable. I think it's actually less weird the other way. DH is just going to have to suck it up.

I would also tell you brother.

Good luck!

[bebeetmoi]

Apr 10, 2013 9:41:47 GMT -5 jfh said:

Does YH have a valid reason for not going? I mean, a REALLY REALLY valid reason? If not, I think the bathroom issue is only one reason why he should definitely go. This trip is a big deal both physically and emotionally, and he needs to be there to support you and help you.

In terms of your brother, I agree you should tell him, but I think 7 days is too much notice. I'd keep it to 2-3. Less time for him to concoct a way to make your life harder.

Lastly, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  (hug)

I agree with all of this. I would really hope your H is able to see where you're coming from and that you need his supprt in this.
The spiteful side of me wants to say don't tell your brother he is leaving, but once plans are finalized and a move date is set, I would tell him only a few days before to prevent any of his crazy shenanigans. 
Good luck and keep us updated please!

[shevacc]

I agree that your H should be there for moral support and also physical support. I would tell your brother that he's moving too, maybe a week in advance, or at least when everything is finalized.

When my grandmother travels alone she pays some fee ($50?) for a wheelchair/wheelchair attendant. If your H insists on staying home, then maybe you could do this and the wheelchair attendant could at least help you find the family bathrooms and give you another pair of hands if you need them.

[SteelCity44]

Your husband is wrong.