H advice please

[idoinjuly]

Does he have depression or anxiety?

[Jalapeñomel]

Sometimes my DH does this, like running errands is the hardest thing in the world to do, and clearly he can only do one errand a day. It's frustrating and annoying.

Is your DH an only child by chance? This seems to be a common thing amongst only child men, LOL.

[So_Fetch]

In what way do you think he's underemployed?

Is he seeing someone for depression?

[Dezi]

He sound exactly like my H used to act before he went on anti-depressants. Has depression ever been a problem for him?

[eddy]

I would be beyond frustrated by this. You description sounds almost child like.

Has he ever been fully employed? This reads like someone who doesn't even have a clue what real life is like yet. I mean how hard is it to get a permit for a fence?

Ditto the question about depression or anxiety.

[MWOS]

medication and therapy. He's depressed or anxious or both.


and fuck ALL that shit about the divorce/going off to die. No. That's fucking beyond hangry and I'd be way more fucking pissed about that than about the lack of organization/motivation

Edit: I didn't mean like, pissed-angry. I meant like, pissed-this shit has gone too far. You can't be dropping words like divorce and death and be unwilling to make any changes.

[joyfull]

I can't give you good advice I left my ex because he was unemployed for so long we were behind on everything. Plus he's a drunk. He eventually lost the house we had and lives pay check to pay check now. It took him 5 years to get his shit together and get a good job.

[Jalapeñomel]

Apr 11, 2013 13:17:10 GMT -5 TR said:

idoinjuly - I have thought that he could be depressed, but I know he is very anti-counseling. I could maaaaaybe get him to do couples counseling if I told him it was non-negotiable, but I don't know about individual.

Jalapeñomel - no, he a youngest of two, but his mom is very take charge and definitely just did everything for him and I know that contributed.

Oh and let me tell you, if DH takes half a valium, this tends to solve this issue and he can get shit done.  I would definitely look into the anxiety thing. 

[Deleted]

Um, stop answering the phone? If you are working he needs to stop relying on you to wipe his ass all day. He acts like a child because you entertain his foolishness.

[Jalapeñomel]

Apr 11, 2013 13:20:06 GMT -5 TR said:

Apr 11, 2013 13:15:54 GMT -5 So_Fetch said:

In what way do you think he's underemployed?

Is he seeing someone for depression?

He works as a photographer's assistant and he works an average of 2 days a week

He has been employed full time before, but he went to school for Commercial Photography, but didn't finish his bachelors so it's mostly been retail with one year as an Air Force base civilian photographer (which he loved) but he was laid off when the company he was working for's contract didn't get renewed.

Ok, he really needs to find a job where he works more then 2 days a week, because he doesn't seem to be pulling his weight as a stay at home husband.

[sparkythelawyer]

He needs to be seen by someone.

[macmars45]

Apr 11, 2013 13:19:57 GMT -5 jjwritergirl said:

I would be so upset if my H was throwing around the divorce card like that. Being hungry, stressed, or overwhelmed is not an excuse to treat you poorly. Those comments are very dramatic and he does sound depressed if that is his natural reaction to a normal day of stress. Depression or anxiety can also contribute to low motivation or being easily overwhelmed. 

I agree with all of this. I hope your H will get the help he needs.

[Deleted]

Adult ADD? I'm being completely serious. Adderall saved my job.

[cleo29]

I think I would stop coddling him in any way, this includes telling him what he needs to do, step by step. I am not saying you are doing this intentionally, but he needs to figure shit out on his own. I would also stop taking his calls unless it is to tell you everything is set, that he has the permits.

And if you feel that there is more going on here, like depression, then he needs to get help and that is not an option. Being dramatic and mentioning divorce and suicide is not even remotely funny (the way you are saying he said it to you). Perhaps he needs a job/career counselor.

[shopgirl07]

Maybe he's depressed. Or maybe this is just the way he is.

I don't want to come off as a bitch, but you probably knew a lot of these things when you married him right? I mean, he probably was never very career oriented. My point I guess is that I don't think you can change him. Are you willing to accept being the breadwinner in the family and dealing with his quirks?

If he would see a doctor or a counselor, maybe things can improve. But it doesn't seem like he'll ever be a real go-getter.

[Deleted]

It sounds to me like there's something not right mentally. I would get him checked out by a doctor. He may have depression or it may be something a little more serious. I just cannot imagine a grown man getting that frustrated over making a phone call.

[poppyseed]

This would piss me off to no end. He is making himself out to be completely helpless. I agree, he needs to be seen by someone. And he needs to get a job. Retail, whatever, he needs a full time job.

[Deleted]

Apr 11, 2013 13:22:13 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

He's either depressed or a complete ass. Either way, he needs therapy. This calling you step by step so you'll either micromanage it for him so he really doesn't have to think or make decisions, or will take it over completely, is a sign of depression; but it's also a sign of a lazy ass jerk. It's also a sign of adult ADHD, that he cannot concentrate/focus/think clearly/follow through.

I would insist on him getting evaluated. It's not ok that he does it; and it's REALLY not ok that he doesn't do anything to fix it. This is not something he gets to refuse to fix. IF he were to refuse to fix it, I'd leave him. Not because he IS this way, but because he wants to STAY this way.

I agree w/ Sue sue and was going to suggest maybe ADHD as well. 

[Deleted]

I could have written the first paragraph and last sentence.  My DH has been underemployed since about 1 year into our relationship, which started 7 years ago.  Part of it is the economy, but most of it is his lack of drive to find something better.  I never pictured myself as the breadwinner of a family and I feel like it's a burden to not have a partner who contributes as much as he can. 

My DH has both depression and anxiety.  He starts feeling overwhelmed and anxious at the thought of job searching. He's on meds, but a low dose, so he's about to talk to his doctor about upping the dose.  He also recently started individual therapy.  He's gone before but never kept it up regularly, but recently I got to the end of my rope and told him this was non-negotiable - if he wants our marriage to work, he will regularly go to therapy to figure this stuff out because I can't live like this forever. 

[idoinjuly]

For me, sometimes a task as a whole seems overwhelming. What if you guys talked about an action plan and made bullet points or numbered the things he needs to do? I know that seems tedious or like you're coddling. Once I'm able to break things down into smaller taskes, they are much easier for me. Lists are my friend too. I need to be able to check things off that I've accomplished.


ETA Shit, i'm sorry, I missed that you already covered that.  I do think he needs to be seen by someone, and most likely needs meds if he won't do counseling.

[Deleted]

I don't understand why people think if you go to therapy you are broken. If your car needs an oil change, it's not broken. Therapy is another tool in the tool box of mental, emotional and physical health that helps you make better decisions and gain clarity of your self. Why is this looked upon so negatively?

[Deleted]

Damn THAY would frustrate me. Like, alot.

He needs to be seen. And get some anti depressants or something.

[sugarbear]

Apr 11, 2013 13:27:10 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Creative-type who is scatterbrained and lazy? Never heard of one.

Seriously, you need to sit him down and say, 'If you don't do x, y, z, in this relationship, I'm out.'

If that doesn't light a fire under his ass, you'll know he needs (probably already does need) emotional help. I know when I not a man child. nam low on projects I start to get like that. He needs to stay in a routine, keeping himself busy, regardless of whether or not he's working.

[be]
DH was also underemployed for awhile, and I was fully prepared to do this. Im glad I didnt need to. You need a partner

[eddy]

What about seeing a PCP first? Could you go with him? I think going to a doctor is much less intimidating than jumping into therapy. have a doctor help you help him.

[shopgirl07]

Apr 11, 2013 13:31:09 GMT -5 TR said:

Apr 11, 2013 13:27:12 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

Maybe he's depressed. Or maybe this is just the way he is.

I don't want to come off as a bitch, but you probably knew a lot of these things when you married him right? I mean, he probably was never very career oriented. My point I guess is that I don't think you can change him. Are you willing to accept being the breadwinner in the family and dealing with his quirks?

If he would see a doctor or a counselor, maybe things can improve. But it doesn't seem like he'll ever be a real go-getter.

I did know which is why I don't want to be too harsh with him. And I don't expect him to change and become a doctor or high powered business man working 50 hours a week, that's not a lifestyle I would want either. I just need more help than this and to be able to say, "here is a problem. Find a solution." And be able to know that it will be taken care of.

I totally understand what you're saying. I guess my question to you is are you able to accept him for who he is right now? He obviously has strengths and weaknesses like anyone else (he sounds like he's a sweet guy re: your grandmother) and you need to figure out if you can live with his weaknesses.

I do think you should tell him what you need in the marriage and see if he's willing to step up. I just also think you should prepared if he can't or won't.

[Yankees21]

I agree that he sounds depressed and/or anxious. I would sit down and explain how this is affecting you and make it known that since he feels like he is not pulling his weight in the relationship, that seeking help is how to start pulling his weight. Also, that going to therapy is not a failure.

[Deleted]

Apr 11, 2013 13:33:34 GMT -5 TR said:

Apr 11, 2013 13:30:35 GMT -5 doglove said:

I don't understand why people think if you go to therapy you are broken. If your car needs an oil change, it's not broken. Therapy is another tool in the tool box of mental, emotional and physical health that helps you make better decisions and gain clarity of your self. Why is this looked upon so negatively?

I think he just has never known anyone who has used therapy as a tool to deal with life. No one in his family has ever gone. Me, otoh, my mom sent me to a counselor at 10 when she and my dad were getting divorced so its more normalized for me.

So he knows you? Or does he think you were broken? 

[Deleted]

1. Stop treating him like a child. I am pretty sure he is not really calling you to tell him what to do but it's sort of a cry for help. The bigger picture kind of help (ie. the divorce and death threats).
2. He needs to see someone. It sounds like he has depression and/or anxiety or another mental issue.

I a am really surprised at the shitty answers in this post.

[fluffaluff]

I'm not going to address the emotional outburst, just say that I've been there with the H underemployment and its hard for women. What helped us is that instead of nagging him all the time, if I asked him questions like what kind of job he feels he would enjoy most, and asking him if he had daily plans/goals as far as how many applications he wanted to get done, etc. he felt less like a failure and that he was letting me down, and more like I just wanted to help him and encourage him. I would send him job links I felt he might like, etc. and then after a while we decided together at which point he would take absolutely anything, and we would shift the focus from what he wanted to doing what has to be done for our family. We did get to that point, he went to a temp agency and had a job in 2 days.

[lpcats]

This sounds just like me and I have been diagnosed with both depression and anxiety.