I've been in your shoes as well, in fact, I'm wearing them now.
This is the 2nd time in our marriage where H has been unemployed and from your description, I'd swear we were married to the same man.
Last time this happened, I ended up taking on a second job just so we wouldn't live paycheck to paycheck. The toll it took - having finances resting squarely on my shoulders, not to mention his doing barely anything around the house, and yes, the phone calls throughout the day when I'm trying to work. And most of all, his checking out of life, in general. So yes, very familiar, and it nearly destroyed our marriage. Granted, I did some things I regret when finally, I had enough and snapped.
But I digress.
He's been a lot more proactive with job searching and less needy - at least for the first 2 of the 3 months he's been unemployed thus far, so I am more optimistic, but the past few weeks, I've seen less and less of that but at least he is acknowledging he needs to do more. He most certainly had depression before and is showing signs of it again. He did go on different meds but they all made him basically like a zombie so he hasn't taken them in forever.
I think my H's issues stem from him having everything handed to him from the time he was born - you name it, he got it, college at an expensive out-of-state school paid for, the ability to come home and sponge off Mom & Dad when he got laid off etc. Plus, every job he has ever had, he got through someone else - which is not to say he wasn't deserving, not at all - but he's had a lot of help there with family/friends helping him out. He's never had to "pound the pavement" and really work at finding work, if that makes sense.
No real advice for you - sorry - but I definitely know what you're going through.
See, I don't think he needs meds or therapy. That response seems as dramatic as he's being.
I think he just needs to grow up and work more. Maybe he needs to work so that he can have some general direction and purpose.
Not everyone who is being difficult needs a therapist ffs.
However, if this is an ongoing issue of poor communication and a lack of motivation to be productive he might need therapy. This particular instance just sounds like someone being a pain in the ass not someone who needs pills.
When DH was underemployed he was depressed because it was a huge hit to his ego that he couldn't help provide for us. I agree with having the depression conversation with him.
I think that was/is my H's issue - call it antiquated, sexist, what have you, but men want to be the providers or at least contribute as much as we do. To have me be the sole breadwinner is pretty devastating to him.
H has often said he wishes he could make enough so if I didn't want to work, I wouldn't have to - kids or no kids - and before I opened my mouth to say "Well, that's nice, but I'm not going to be Susie Homemaker (aka MIL),give up my financial independence blahblahblah" he rephrased to say he wished he could make enough money so I could pursue whatever I wanted to.
He threatened to kill himself/die, he is doing and saying things like that so you will just take over and feel sorry for him. He is using you and thats bullshit. He needs to man up and go speak with someone. And no way should you consider having a child with him. If getting permits stressed him out what do you think a baby will do?
rex - you may be right, counseling might not be the answer. I'm just going to try to open up a dialogue tonight and tell him why I need and ask how he wants to go about doing it. Maybe gettin something, anything, full time at first is the answer and see if being "useful" and busy is the answer. I don't remember it being like this when he was working full time.
Im sorry if I came off harsh. I just thought 40 replies of "he's depressed! he needs meds and therapy!" might have been jumping to conclusions a little when it could be something as simple as he needs to work more.
Post by Lucille Bluth on Apr 11, 2013 15:08:49 GMT -5
I had two thoughts when I read this. If he's no longer social or interested in things he used to be, perhaps he has dysthymia. It sounds like he's dealing with some big hurdles that he feels are bigger than him.
If he's a creative type there's a good article I recently read called the Helsinki Bus Theory. Does encouraging him help or is he still wallowing? It definitely helps if he recognizes there's a problem, but needs extra tools to fix it, instead of simply being clueless and expecting you to pick up the pieces because you always have.
I feel like my h could have written this about me when I'm in rough spots and really struggling (and sometimes mildly when there's a lot going on).
I'm not suggesting depression or anxiety because so many other people are. I'm suggesting those as a potential problem because that's what it is for me. For me, the problem is my brain chemistry, therapy doesn't help me with these things. The difference in me when properly medicated is night and day. When I'm not--I'm very similar to your h. When I am--I'm very take charge and get things done, don't get in my way.
It sounds like you're doing the best you can and handling it the best you know how. I will step out and say that (if it is depression or anxiety) once he's in a better spot he will very likely be always grateful for having your help and guidance. I know I'm so thankful to my husband for everything he puts up with when I'm not me. He encourages me to seek help etc.