I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now (rambling inside)

[HoneySpider]

Ok, so I don't know exactly what the point of this post is because I know no one can tell me what to do, but I need to get this out.

We want to move and the plan was always to start looking to do that once I was done with school. I'm graduating in May, so that time is now. We started looking a little in the fall, then I got my BFP. With a due date in late June, we knew moving was pretty much off the table for this year.

Then once we knew we were going to terminate, the thought process went back to "ok, we need to get out of here, we are going to focus on moving by the end of the year" (FTR, we are not happy where we are and we are very far from family/friends....but we do both have decent jobs and own a house, so picking up and moving isn't simple)

We've both been applying for jobs. I have my interview this afternoon for a job I'm definitely interested in, in a location we are interested in, but I can sense that I'm not 100% into it. I know the problem is that if we move for my job, we're probably going to have to put TTC on hold for a while, and now that we're getting close to finally being able to start up again, I'm not sure I want to do that. If I'm the one who gets a job, I don't feel I could get pregnant right away (if that were to happen) and go to my new boss and be like hey guess what! Also, not sure how that would even happen because we'd be living apart.

DH also has an interview at a school in a completely different part of the country. I am kind of hoping that he gets hired and we can make that move. His career path is very specific, and so it's harder for him to find a job if we move for me which likely means living apart a lot longer while we're in transition. I'm a lot more flexible so I could probably find something in a new town even if it's not the perfect job. 

The bottom line though is that I want kids and not a few years down the road if I can help it. I feel like for that to happen, the idea of a new job for me really needs to come off the table. And I think that sucks, but I don't know what else to do. 

Thanks if you got through all of this. Like I said, not even sure what I'm looking for here but this is all jumbled in my head right now.  

[G22]

I just want to send some more hugs! Even if your unsure about the job your interviewing for, I say interview anyways. If they offer it to you, you can always ask if you can talk with your husband about it. Just to get more time to make a decision or to wait and see how his interview goes. How soon is his interview? You don't have to take it. But mofongo made a good suggestion. Make a list of pros and cons for each decision. Moving is always a stressful thing. To add jobs and TTC on there is even more so.

You've had a lot on your plate on the past few months. Vent all you need and bounce thoughts and ideas here. *hugs*

[HoneySpider]

Thanks guys. I talked to DH about this a little the other night and he made a comment that was hurtful toward me, he realized it was hurtful, and we sort of just ended the conversation. Clearly this is not going to be an easy issue for us to work through.

I know, obviously, that it could very well end up neither of us will get hired but I'm just trying to figure if I should waste any more time applying (I definitely apply for more jobs than DH, again because I'm more flexible with what I can do). I think if I didn't hate my job here I'd be ok with staying a little longer and just waiting for DH to land something, but I am really anxious to go.

[Deleted]

HUGS!

Do you need both incomes? If you do not need both incomes, it sounds like your DH will have more restrictions and less flex with where he'll be able to find work. In my opinion, he should be the one to find the job first, and you be the trailing spouse. This gives you the flex to stay at your current job while you sell the house. If the house sells quicker than you expect, you can ditch your job and move to be with DH with nothing lined up. My advice is the same if you need both incomes. I think that's the best logistical option.

How old are you? I honestly wouldn't worry about getting pregnant or being pregnant early in a job. I say this as an almost 37 year old, struggling with a 2.5 yr voyage TTC, and also someone who helped to hire a 6 mo pregnant woman! It's all in the negotiation of maternity leave. Just because the law requires X minimum doesn't mean that companies always adhere to it- many will work with you if you're the right person.

[Deleted]

HUGS!

Do you need both incomes? If you do not need both incomes, it sounds like your DH will have more restrictions and less flex with where he'll be able to find work. In my opinion, he should be the one to find the job first, and you be the trailing spouse. This gives you the flex to stay at your current job while you sell the house. If the house sells quicker than you expect, you can ditch your job and move to be with DH with nothing lined up. My advice is the same if you need both incomes. I think that's the best logistical option.

How old are you? I honestly wouldn't worry about getting pregnant or being pregnant early in a job. I say this as an almost 37 year old, struggling with a 2.5 yr voyage TTC, and also someone who helped to hire a 6 mo pregnant woman! It's all in the negotiation of maternity leave. Just because the law requires X minimum doesn't mean that companies always adhere to it- many will work with you if you're the right person.

[HoneySpider]

Well, whether we need both incomes in the long run depends where we end up. Right now, and during a move period, we would need both.

I'm 31.

[lola]

I'm slammed at work and just popped over here to check in, so I didn't read all the responses. Here's my initial thought. 

(as somebody in your shoes, looking for a job, TTC.)

Fuck this, "I can't get a new job then get pregnant" stuff. Sorry, but no. I refuse to accept that. If I got a new job I would maybe try to not get pregnant in the first three months, but then only so that I can get my 12 months in to qualify for FMLA. Getting pregnant is like, life. It's no different than taking a new job and bam, suddenly you have a sick spouse and have to take off for FMLA to care for your spouse. You know?

Look for a job that makes you happy. Have a baby. In the end it will all work out.

((hugs))

Oh - and also - don't take a job if your gut is telling that it's not the right job. The right thing will come up. Try to wait as long as you can for it, because you definitely don't want to make a move for a job, then be unhappy w/ the job!

[HoneySpider]

Apr 22, 2013 17:27:37 GMT -5 lola said:

I'm slammed at work and just popped over here to check in, so I didn't read all the responses. Here's my initial thought. 

(as somebody in your shoes, looking for a job, TTC.)

Fuck this, "I can't get a new job then get pregnant" stuff. Sorry, but no. I refuse to accept that. If I got a new job I would maybe try to not get pregnant in the first three months, but then only so that I can get my 12 months in to qualify for FMLA. Getting pregnant is like, life. It's no different than taking a new job and bam, suddenly you have a sick spouse and have to take off for FMLA to care for your spouse. You know?

Look for a job that makes you happy. Have a baby. In the end it will all work out.

((hugs))

Oh - and also - don't take a job if your gut is telling that it's not the right job. The right thing will come up. Try to wait as long as you can for it, because you definitely don't want to make a move for a job, then be unhappy w/ the job!

I knew I liked you.

I'm too much of a planner, I need to just have more of a go with the flow attitude I think. If first time TTC was any indication, then I am definitely overthinking this because it's not likely to happen right away anyway.

I think my interview went well and I do hope I get brought to campus for the 2nd round. I think it would be an exciting and challenging job for me. We'll see what happens I guess.

[lola]

LOL! I was like, "I hope she doesn't think I mean that at her or anything!" I just feel your stress in a lot of ways, and I'm just telling myself that people get jobs and get pregnant all the time. There was recently a thread about this very thing on ML and so many people were like, "I got a job while pregnant!" and I just thought, "You know, good point! It's life. Life happens. Employers can deal."

As somebody who hires people, I get that bosses might be annoyed at this situation, but whatever. You'd be back. YKWIM?

Good luck with the search, I hope you find something soon!

[Deleted]

I love Lola's advice (I don't know how to tag???). I also wanted to follow up since I posted earlier from my phone which is a total PITA to use.

Congrats on an awesome interview !! Good luck...I hope that this works out for you guys the way that you want it to. Moving is hard, and moving for a great job makes a big difference. Take the time to find the right one.

[KaraOrNot]

Hugs. I agree w/ lola. Don't put your life and plans on hold for a job. They can deal if you get pregnant.

[Deleted]

lola is wise, don't put your life on hold. I've hung out at my current job far longer than I probably should have - partly b/c the legal market sucks and partly b/c we were TTC. Now that I know the kid thing isn't going to happen absent adoption, I feel like I've wasted almost two years of my career in a job that has no upward trajectory and I'm ready for a change. I've focused more on myself this year, what I like/don't like about my current job and getting more involved in the community (I teach financial literacy to homeless women) to help me feel more rounded and fulfilled. So it's been little changes for now, while I figure out my next steps.

[HoneySpider]

Thanks guys. We've moved a lot and I was the trailing spouse last time and I got lucky with getting a job here. I guess I feel like I've built my career/education and what if we move somewhere for DH and I can't get a job? That sucks. I realize the opposite is true of him if we move for me, but I guess I look at it in a selfish way.

[BNL2]

Listen to the women on this board, they are very wise. This board helped me change my perspective on looking for a new job while TTC. I'm a planner too, so I completely relate to what you're feeling. But you can't limit yourself and put your life on hold while waiting to have children.

I had a lovely 5 year plan that included perfect child spacing and strategically accruing sick leave. All of that is out the window now. I had an interview and an IUI in the same week. I'm on lola's fuck it train now.