Caring what other people think?

[achase123]

I mostly worry about what people think of me, emotionally speaking.  My reputation is important to me.

 

I went through a difficult time after XH and I split.  His family treated me poorly even though he was the one who was unfaithful and choosing to do drugs instead of being a good husband (not to say I didn't have my faults but this is what went on when we split and his family knew it).  I struggled with it until I realized that the only way they'd "like" me again was if I was with him or if I let him have P all the time.  Neither of which was going to happen.  I simply realized that they didn't look at things from an unbiased point of view so then it made it easier to detach from what they thought of me.

 

I worry if my friends are upset with me because I care a lot about them.  Most of the time I'll just flat out ask them what's going on, rather than worrying about it but sometimes I worry and worry and then they actually aren't even mad or upset at all.  I tend to make a big deal out of things that aren't that big of a deal at all.

Professionally speaking, my reputation is very important to me.  Some of the senior advisors/owners at my firm have given me the cold shoulder since I gave my notice.  I don't really let this bother me because I know the only way they would have continued to be kind to me was if I stayed.  They were taking advantage of me and others here by sucking all of the money to the top and expecting us to do all of the heavy lifting and bring in new clients, with virtually NO incentive to do so (10% of revenue for one year, really???).  So if they can only be courteous to me if I'm their little bitch then no thanks!  Also, it proved to me that they must have only been being fake when they were being nice, and I don't do fake so I can live with them giving me the cold shoulder. 

I have had a lot of therapy but I still do struggle with this.  I've learned that a lot of times it doesn't pay to worry so much about what others think.  Sometimes they aren't even thinking anything (most of the time this is the case) or sometimes if they are it's wrong or misguided anyways.  I try to repeat to myself that I can only control ME and MY actions.

[Deleted]

I used to care so much. Like SO MUCH. But I've come to terms with myself after some hard times. It took some abuse and a lot of second guessing of myself. I actually for a hot minute thought I deserved the crappy things that happened. And then I snapped out of it. I love me. I love who I am and how I am. I make mistakes all the time but I learn from them. I like how I can laugh at myself. I really found the positive in all of the negative and it helped an awful lot. Now I'm at the point that if you don't like me, I don't care because I like me. I'm not going anywhere, I've got a ton to live for, and I'm making the best of it all.

It's hard to get into that mindset when you have reservations though.

[locarb]

I wish I didn't care what ppl think and honestly I put in a tough exterior you may not know better. However, ppl do influence me and my friends opinions do matter. I believe everyone cares what others think to an extent; it's our actions of how we deal with it being tough, sensitive and if we over react that counts. And yes, I'm dealing with this in therapy. You're normal.

[bowies]

I don't care what people think of my personality. In the immortal words of Popeye, I yam what I yam. It's unchangeable at this point so why even stress? It seems to serve me relatively well.

However, I do stress about how others judge my appearance. It holds me back in some ways. Not enough for me to change in any meaningful way. I've lost some weight and had some therapy, but nothing's really made a dent. I manage this insecurity by avoiding mirrors and cameras and just try to live my life without thinking about it too much. I've basically accepted that these are my feelings on the subject and will do better by my future children (as in, I won't disparage my appearance in front of them, or theirs ever). I'm breaking this shitty cycle.

[sharic]

I worry what other people think about my looks. I am tall, but love to be feminine, so I try to find super-cute heels that aren't too high, which is a chore in itself. I wear skirts every day, because I easily associate tall with not being feminine (models are tall, I know, I know, blah, blah, blah) and take special pains to get ready every day.

I also am afraid to speak my mind. My friends are all types that can speak their mind, so I am just naturally drawn to those types because I don't do it myself. I became really shy once I went to college. I grew up in a small town, and everyone knew everyone, so I was very comfortable. i think most people I work with wouldnt describe me as shy or insecure...so I guess it is also important for me to portray a confidence that I really don't have!

[Deleted]

I do care what other people think.  Not so much about the way I live my life, but about me as a person...if that makes sense.  I remember that language of love thing and one of my big ones was reassurance/reassuring words(something like that). I guess I like when people think highly of me.  

As a child I was a perfectionist in school and I was pretty smart and I like it to be recognized.  As an adult at work, I like when people think I'm great at what I do.  I also worry too much about my relationships...whether it be with friends or a guy... Like achase123 mentioned, I sometimes worry if someone is upset with me ...sometimes for no good reason.  

[starrieskies]

I care about others opinions too much. Especially when it comes to my looks, but in just about everything... Its awful. I've realized that tend I look to others for validation when no validation is needed. I second guess myself, and allow others to influence decisions that I should be making on my own... My self esteem has plummeted in the last 10 years, and I miss the confident person I used to be, and despise the insecure person who stares back at me in the mirror...

However, I have no desire to be the person I used to be again. I want to be a new, stronger, more confident me. I want to be the girl who looks at herself and knows she's fabulous and strong enough to handle whatever comes her way. I believe I will get there someday, even if its just for a split second I'll be there.

[Deleted]

In what ways do you care what people think about you? I only care when it comes to my career or professionally. Aside from that, like socially, I don't care so much.

Physically/appearance - I only care if I'm healthy. My life's too short to worry about a zit or pimple. I guess it helps that my BF is really good about making me feel good about myself... even on days I feel/look like crap.

Like Blueyes623, I also respond well to reassuring words/compliments and praise. So although I don't necessarily go out to seek approval from others, it's nice to receive when it's given to me genuinely and sincerely.

More than anything, I try to focus on the positives in every situation. That of course, can be easier said than done but even the little things help.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I worry it about it on pretty much every level. The worst is emotionally. I've mentioned that I have a parent with a mental illness and he could love or hate me and turn on a dime about that and could literally pretend I didn't exist for years. (Yes, I've been in therapy about it but I do have some residual issues). The biggest way it manifests is that if its been a while since I've talked to someone I think they don't like/love me anymore. I think I tell my son I love him at least 20 times a day. I may be overcompensating a bit.

I worry about my appearance but only a few times a week or so. Not as much as I did.

I worry that people will not think I'm smart enough.

I need some daily affirmations with Stuart Smalley.

[GilliC]

I care that people take me seriously at work, because there aren't a lot of women in my field, and a lot of women are hired for the demographics rather than for their talent. I want people to realize that I'm good at my job and I worry that they might write me off because of my gender.

Other than that, I care that my friends don't find me annoying, since I talk a lot. XH gave me a slight complex about it (because he's an AW who doesn't like sharing the spotlight), and we have a friend who is really annoying a lot of the time because she never shuts up (even at movies or concerts). Otherwise I probably wouldn't have even thought about it.

I used to care a lot more. One of the sadder reasons I ended up with XH was that most of my friends and family thought he was amazing. They found him more attractive than I did. I was a complete nerd as a little kid, and I lived in a small town, so even when I loosened up (and grew boobs) in high school, guys still shied away from me because I was traditionally the nerdy smart girl. I think I felt like I had something to prove to the world. Now, I'm happy with my sweet nerdy boyfriend who probably isn't most people's cup of tea, but I don't care, because it only matters that I think he's amazing!

[Deleted]

Honestly I dont care what others think for the most part.

I however care about my appearance and have soem image issues, but that is because of how my body has changed over the last few years.

I have always been the black sheep type, and have no problems doing so.

[threeofus]

I've always cared too much what people think about me, as a person, and I'm pretty sensitive. But as I'm growing older, and as I'm navigating life through this separation and divorce, I'm starting to like myself more and not care what people think.

My mantra is: "If you're talking about me and my problems, but not TO me about my problems, you're not worth a place in my life." And when people gossip about my divorce (we have some rather immature friends who were all over the split like fantastic gossip), I also look at that as people gossiping about my kids, and why do I want to be friends with, or value the opinion of, people who are discussing with glee a divorce involving a 4 y/o and an 11-month-old?

Professionally, I care a lot. I'm an editor/writer in the media/publishing industry, but the topics we cover are so specific that my company is pretty well-known and people know my byline and stuff. So I try to always make a good impression and be informed.

Physically, I probably care too much. My skin hasn't been great post-baby and my stomach didn't bounce back like it did with baby #1. I know I'm healthy and in decent shape (I run minimum 4-5 miles 5 times a week) but I still like to always look put-together and nice. That's one thing STBX said he hates about me - how sometimes I stress about how I look. And I understand that, but on the flip side, if I want to dress a certain way or make sure I look a certain way before I leave the house, why shouldn't I? I don't wear a ton of makeup, I just like to make sure I've got something covering up my breakouts if I have any.

I think most of it now is body image. Mainly, STBX left when DS was 10 weeks old. So he left me when my body was still recovering from child birth. My stomach isn't flat anymore. I pumped exclusively for DD (she was a preemie and couldn't nurse) and I'm still BF-ing DS. So my boobs are kind of deflated and they look...not as cute. So I'm actually kind of worried about when I get close enough with someone to have sex again - I feel like I'm kind of "used up" and just not as sexually attractive, and the man who made those babies with me SHOULD have stuck around to appreciate me/my post-baby body, but he didn't, so I'm just nervous about getting naked in front of someone else if that someone else!

[kaneen]

I heard a quote once that went something like this:

You'd worry less what people think of you if you realized how infrequently they do it.

I just try to remind myself of that often.

[threeofus]

May 1, 2013 11:50:12 GMT -5 kaneen said:

You'd worry less what people think of you if you realized how infrequently they do it.

I like this! I was friends with a very judgmental/negative person who spoke very poorly of strangers (i.e., criticizing someone's outfit if she was overweight, calling people ugly, etc.) behind their backs, like when we went to bars and stuff. WAS friends...no longer speak to her. But that got into my head...I'd think, "OK, what if this overweight woman she's putting down just lost 100 pounds and is out celebrating? You just never know.

I try to think of it in terms of how I myself think of other people, be they friends or strangers. I don't have random negative thoughts about someone's appearance (unless it's like a People of Wal-Mart moment or something, in which case, I think I'm entitled), and when I look at another woman too long, it's usually because I really like her hair/handbag/outfit/etc.

[jade28]

I use to worry all the time. Like sometimes it would prevent me from being able to socially interact because I'd be worrying so much about what the other person was thinking. I'd also criticize my ExH if he said/did something I thought people's would think poorly of or judge. I regret being so hard on him in that sense.

Now? I just don't care. I hear this mentality happens in your 30s. Also, therapy helped. I remember my therapist saying it's controlling to assume you know what someone else is thinking and putting thoughts in their heads. For some reason that was a light bulb moment for me. I also don't have the energy or time to worry anymore - too busy living a life I love. I think I have also become more confident the more and more I have built the kind of life I want and found the kind of people I want to share my life with. During my single days, I really became my own best friend and I care most about what I think of myself. KWIM?

And honestly? I have seen males succeed so much at work and elsewhere because they tend to have a more "I don't care what people think" attitude so they take the risks and be aggressive and do what they want, say what they want and ask for what they want - leading to higher salaries, better positions, good relationships, etc. Of course females do this too lots but I just know personally, it's harder for me to do! My BF very much has this attitude and the opportunities he's gotten because of it are amazing and it has made me realize I need to step it up.

[GilliC]

May 1, 2013 12:22:16 GMT -5 jade28 said:

And honestly? I have seen males succeed so much at work and elsewhere because they tend to have a more "I don't care what people think" attitude so they take the risks and be aggressive and do what they want, say what they want and ask for what they want - leading to higher salaries, better positions, good relationships, etc. Of course females do this too lots but I just know personally, it's harder for me to do! My BF very much has this attitude and the opportunities he's gotten because of it are amazing and it has made me realize I need to step it up.

I wonder how much of that is really that they don't care, and how much is an act?  I definitely adopt an "I don't care what people think" attitude at work, but it's a very calculated decision.  For the most part, it ends up coming across as confidence.  Since I'm clearly not trying to appease everyone (especially management), everyone (including management most of the time) assumes that I'm 100% sure of myself.  Meanwhile, inside, I'm actually really worried that I'm not going to cut it or that I don't have enough experience.