Improving affection in marriage

[fussbucket]

Has he been like this since you first met?

Do you think he is satisfied with the marriage overall (i.e. in terms of whatever his love language is, if you will)?

And who in the world wants to be divorced, anyway?

[captainmel]

What does he say when you talk to him about this?

[gault]

The big question is, have you gone to The Counselor yet?

[Deleted]

The bigger question is WHY did you marry someone who couldn't give you what you wanted while you were dating? Did you think it would magically change after the I do's?

[Deleted]

Yes I would also like to know if he's always been this way or if this is a recent development. If you chose someone who wasn't affectionate than it's unfair to expect him to become someone different. However, if this is something that has changed due to lack of communication/stress/other issues than it probably can be repaired.

[partiallysunny]

I agree with doglove.

[imoan]

If you wanted an affectionate husband, you should've married someone who was affectionate. It's not rocket science. You can't change someone (and you shouldn't WANT to change someone).

[Wrath0fKuus]

This baffles me. Do you mean that he isn't affectionate any more? Because if he never was, then I just can't imagine how he passed the early dating stages to engagement, let alone all the way to marriage.

[vrmn]

I think the root of this problem is you have no confidence that he loves you. He is not a demonstrative person & never will be. If you can't know in your heart that he loves you then you will always be looking for it.

[Deleted]

Apr 24, 2013 12:27:31 GMT -5 vrmn said:

I think the root of this problem is you have no confidence that he loves you. He is not a demonstrative person & never will be. If you can't know in your heart that he loves you then you will always be looking for it.

WTF? No. The root of the problem is that this woman chose poorly in a partner OR something is going on in the marriage to change his behaviors. 

[Wrath0fKuus]

Apr 24, 2013 12:27:31 GMT -5 vrmn said:

I think the root of this problem is you have no confidence that he loves you. He is not a demonstrative person & never will be. If you can't know in your heart that he loves you then you will always be looking for it.

Rather than wasting time re-typing why this is bullshit even as a concept, I'm going to rerun The Best of Kuus and c&p myself from another thread:


Love, the feeling, isn't inherently valuable to anyone other than
the person feeling it. Your feelings only become valuable to others
because of what they inspire you to do, because you actively give love
because of them. Someone who feels love for you but doesn't give love to
you is phenotypically identical to someone who feels nothing for you.

I
guess what I'm trying to say is, if he loves you in a way that only
benefits him, because he gets to feel all the squishy feelings without
having to give anything back, then you've already given him more than
his due by inspiring those feelings.

[Deleted]

Apr 24, 2013 12:27:31 GMT -5 vrmn said:

I think the root of this problem is you have no confidence that he loves you. He is not a demonstrative person & never will be. If you can't know in your heart that he loves you then you will always be looking for it.

lmao...thanks that was the best laugh of the day!

Are you her H by any chance? ^o)

[Muddled]

Why do random OPs never come back?

[leshoequeen]

Apr 25, 2013 10:14:59 GMT -5 Muddled said:

Why do random OPs never come back?

First, vrmn hit the nail on the head.

Second, I asked for advice on how to fix the situation not for my reasons for marrying my husband to be analyzed. No advice was given.

I didn't find any of you except for vrmn to be helpful at all, frankly. You all seem bitter and catty.

[imoan]

Of course you think she hit the nail on the head... Because she's the only person that is telling you what you want to hear. Good luck with your marriage. I'm sure he'll wake up one day and shower you with flowers and kisses.

[leshoequeen]

Apr 25, 2013 20:14:14 GMT -5 imoan said:

Of course you think she hit the nail on the head... Because she's the only person that is telling you what you want to hear. Good luck with your marriage. I'm sure he'll wake up one day and shower you with flowers and kisses.

LOL! Yes, that's exactly what I was hoping for! Maybe extra glitter too!

[captainmel]

I would like glitter and an answer to the questions that were asked.

What does he say when you talk to him about affection?
Has he always been this way?

I think you will find we can give useful advice if you give us useful information.

[pedanticwench]

Even you yourself questioned if this was man who you should have married.

[Deleted]

Apr 25, 2013 23:41:12 GMT -5 pedanticwench said:

Even you yourself questioned if this was man who you should have married.

Right?? Jeezus. 

[Deleted]

"Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about having an affectionate husband and wondering if there is someone else out there who would show me their love in the way I need to be shown. I feel guilty for feeling this way. We have two small children, I come from a divorced family and I do not want to be divorced - but I wonder if I didn't choose the best husband for me."

I guess it is OK for her to wonder why, but not us....we are just a bunch of mean old cat ladies...oh i mean catty. Then again we didnt marry men we werent compatable with. Obviously OP just wanted to pat her head and say here here it will be ok if you do A, b, and c. She didnt want to hear that she got what she agreed to.

[partiallysunny]

Wow.

All we said was:

A) If he was affectionate in the past and stopped being affectionate, this can probably be worked threw.

and

B) If he was never affectionate, he probably never will be.

Then we asked if it was A or B.

I don't understand how that is bitter or cat like?

[Deleted]

Apr 26, 2013 7:46:26 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

Wow.

All we said was:

A) If he was affectionate in the past and stopped being affectionate, this can probably be worked threw.

and

B) If he was never affectionate, he probably never will be.

Then we asked if it was A or B.

I don't understand how that is bitter or cat like?

We don't know her lyfe!!!

[Muddled]

Here's the deal, leshoequeen. You didn't allow us catty bitches to help you because you wouldn't answer anyone's questions.

If you want to get to the heart of this, we need more info. No one is saying you should go back in time and not marry your cold fish H. What they are saying is, if the man you married was not affectionate, then that is who he is and you have to decide whether you are going to take it or leave it.

If that is not the case, then it is a whole different ball game.

Take your ball and go home if that is what you want to do, but your tomorrow will be the same as your yesterday.

[partiallysunny]

Apr 26, 2013 9:18:52 GMT -5 Muddled said:

...but your tomorrow will be the same as your yesterday.

That's deep. ::sniffles::

[Muddled]

Apr 26, 2013 9:26:49 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

Apr 26, 2013 9:18:52 GMT -5 Muddled said:

...but your tomorrow will be the same as your yesterday.

That's deep. ::sniffles::

lol!

[Chirp]

Apr 26, 2013 9:26:49 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

Apr 26, 2013 9:18:52 GMT -5 Muddled said:

...but your tomorrow will be the same as your yesterday.

That's deep. ::sniffles::

And now I have Yesterday (the Boys 2 Men version, sorry Imoan) running through my head.

[Saint Monica]

dayum kuus

[imoan]

Apr 26, 2013 11:20:57 GMT -5 Chirp said:

Apr 26, 2013 9:26:49 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

That's deep. ::sniffles::

And now I have Yesterday (the Boys 2 Men version, sorry Imoan) running through my head.

That's okay... That's a great song!

"... Be my sunshine after the raaaaaain"

[pinkplasticdoll]

She feels sorry for our H's.
We don't know her lyfe.
We are bitter old hags, no wonder we are all on TIP.

Did I get them all?