Long, pathetic and I will probably DD

[Deleted]

I thought going on vacation would fix everything in our relationship. It didnt. I feel so disconnected from my DH more than ever and he doesnt see it at all. He thinks everything is ok. There is no sense talking about it because he does not listen at all. Im just so frustrated. 

We agreed that I would be a SAHM because having a child and working in the industry that I work in do not mesh. Well, it is not working and causing so much anxiety. It frustrates me that if I were working, I would be bringing in twice the amount he does. Ive looked into alternate jobs and I keep being told that I dont have enough experience or too much. Or the other side of the coin is that the job doesn't pay enough to cover daycare.

Back in September Dh hit his head and he hasnt been the same since. He snaps more, rolls his eyes all the time and I am constantly apologizing because I have said or done something wrong. When I do point it out he flips out and says that no, he doesnt roll his eyes or snaps at me and I am too emotional. It is like walking on egg shells. And it is the simple things like "Hey can you bring your dishes to the kitchen?" Eye roll. 

Dh got sick in Mexico and has been ever since. HE is absolutely pathetic sick. He ruined what could have been an OK time in Ontario and has now continued on at home. 

Today he calls and says hes left work early because of his not feeling good. He literally just has a cough. Thats it. What he doesnt realize or it just doesnt sink in is that he is sole provider of this house hold. The 4 hours of work he missed is a car payment or insurance or some of rent. He doesnt care financially and it is so frustrating. 

I know I am babbling and ALL OVER but that is what it is. I am really disillusioned and disinterested anymore. He has slept downstairs since we got home (because of his cough) and I am not looking forward to the day he moves back upstairs. I like this arrangement. I am not interested in him or anything he wants to do. And if I mentioned him staying downstairs... it would be ww3 and I dont have the energy for it.

Do I want these feelings to change? Yes! But how? I have no idea. 

Also, the stress that is coming from all this is leading me to be snappy and short with the little guy and that is not fair to him. I keep telling myself this but it just happens that I snap. 

I will probably DD so please do not quote. 

[ruby412]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, lady. You sound frustrated and at the end of your rope. From this post and what you've mentioned in the past, it seems like there have been several issues you and your H have been dealing with for a while now. If I were in your position, I would probably want to seek out couples counseling to learn some techniques for reconnecting before things go beyond repair. Is that an option for you guys?

[Regina Philange]

I was going to also suggest counseling. If he won't go it might even help if you go to sort out all these feelings. Feel better smudgers.

[spaghetticat]

I agree with ruby412. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like YH really needs to give a little and make more of an effort to get along. Did he ever see a doctor about his head?

[muppetinma]

I don't have any advice, but I do have hugs to offer.   (hug) (hug2)

I have an interview for a lighting job on Tuesday.  I have no idea if I want it or if it's financially feasible when you consider after-hours and weekend childcare.  So I get you on that one.  If you ever need to talk, you now how to get in touch with me. 

[Deleted]

Dh got what was probably his third concussion in college. His personality was angry for about a year. Not always and I was the only one who noticed. It sucked.

Also, would it be possible for you to work and them to travel with you?

And yes to counseling you need to nip this in the bud (butt)! If that is possible.

[katfco]

I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. How were things before his head injury? A person's personality can change after a traumatic brain injury. Is there someone, a friend maybe, who he listens to who might be able to bring it up to him? It sounds like he might need to see a neurologist.

[livinitup]

Is there an underlying medical concern? Or not?

You seem to be referencing a head injury, some denial of behaviors - but is this followed-up with a medical assessment? Is it? If no, why not?

The best gift you can give your LO is a healthy and happy relationship between his parents. Right now, you'd prefer separate bedrooms, maybe your DH would too. You have a right to feel that way. But more importantly, you need to fix it. Do you want to? know how?

[Deleted]

I just want to say sorry for the suck fest that you are going thought right now. I hope it all works out soon for you.

[jenbelle]

Hugs, smudgee, lots of hugs.

[charlielove]

When he hit his head was it considered a TBI? That can quite literally change someone's personality.

Feeling like you are walking on eggshells all the time is not healthy and raises a lot of red flags for me.

Is he open to counseling? Individual counseling for the both of you may be more beneficial at this point, then coming together for couples counseling.

[eav2c]

First things, I am sending you big giant hugs. Secondly, I am really sorry you are going through this. But I want to make it clear that you are not alone in your feelings re: your H or your struggles. I just don't want you to think everyone here has some magical marriages because mine is surely unraveling each day. I haven't shared a bed with my H since at least September (really, it's probably August). I'm not sure if this is what happens for some couples when children arrive or what? Perhaps there is more behind it. I don't know. Just... don't feel alone in this, okay? Someone posted a similar thread a few days back and irishsara, I think, posted the idea of having a date night. She said once a week they would do something in their home after the babies went to bed. Every week the other one would be responsible for planning something but they would do it in the home to save money. Could you guys try once a week "unplugging" and having a date night? My H and I are going to try this. We just started a new TV series together last night on Netflix and I could already feel a little more connected to him. We were laughing again at stupid stuff and weren't talking about Colin (honestly, he's the only thing we really talk about these days and we have forgotten about US!). I wish I had good advice but I'm very similarly where you are. I feel so sad about it. Please PM me if you need to chat. ((hugs))

[SteelCity44]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I know that each time MH tries to quit smoking, he gets so far on edge that I want to throw something at him and he becomes a person I've never met before. It's painful to walk on egg shells in your own home. I really hope you two get a chance to talk things out soon.

[kdrake8]

Giant hugs Smudgee. It's not fair to you to have to live like that.

[sunshineluv]

I got nothin but hugs!! I am sorry you are dealing with all this.

[DesertMoon]

Im very sorry....I have no advice.

[TrudyCampbell]

I'm sorry, Smudgee.  (hug)

[kistjenn]

Big hugs!  I can't give any better advice then the rest of the girls have.

[rxbeth]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this but it sounds like either depression of side effects from the head injury. I really think going to talk to someone would help.

[tuck]

((Hugs)) I would look in to the medical side of it. There could be some residual effects from the concussion.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry your going through this . I don't have any better advice than what you have gotten above but just know you aren't alone and you can post here about it all you want.

[oso]

I'm sorry, I hope you guys can work things out. I agree with PPs that the head injury could be a cause. Marriage therapy is also a good idea. Even if your husband won't go you can. Also, try to remember that having a child can be really hard on the strongest of marriages. From what you said, I don't buy that he doesn't think there are any problems. He may not want to admit it, but he realizes what is going on.

[imimahoney]

Lots of hugs. You have gotten great advice, I hope things start to turn around soon.

[flyhigh37]

I work with people with head injuries and I've had one myself.

Your husbands short temper does sound head injury related, but so does his blunted emotions. So, if it helps that can be why he's not feeling the lack of closeness that you are feeling.

The bad news: a head injury is a head injury. Other than a surgeon fixing a bleed or something to that extreme, you can't fix it, but he can go to counseling or get on meds to help. Someone mentioned it sounds like he has depression. He just may and it could definitely be all related. There are a lot of psych drugs that help with symptoms from a head injury. It's definitely worth mentioning to his dr so he can get some sort of follow up. That is, if he'll work with you on that..

The good news: there is a lot of healing that is taking place within the first year or more of a head injury, so ideally he's healing and hopefully these symptoms will lessen.

He most likely doesn't feel different so he can't see that he's different. In hindsight, one day, it could be easier for him to see your point of view if he's willing to accept it and starts to get better than is. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

A TBI is a TBI. Sure, they can be mild (concussion) moderate or severe, but even if it was more mild doesn't mean it's no big deal.. I've seen people get concussions and have their life impaired and I've seen people with severe injuries go back to living a normal life. You can't predict these things and everybody's brain will react and heal differently for different injuries.

Also, I'm not sure if he drinks or smokes, but generally those things don't help with head healing. Not that they would prevent it, but they may lessen optimal healing, especially in excess.

PM me I you have any other questions or thoughts. I hope you both start feeling better.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  (hug)

[formerlyllizzyb]

Apr 25, 2013 20:57:17 GMT -5 tuck said:

((Hugs)) I would look in to the medical side of it. There could be some residual effects from the concussion.

I completely agree. Hugs to you.

[creamsiclechica]

Smudgee, I'm so sorry things have gotten so difficult between the two of you. Never be afraid to come here and use us as a sound board for your feelings and frustrations. I definitely hope that he can get checked out for his head injury. You've been given great advice. I can tell you Matt suffers from TBI, and if it is his head injury that is affecting him, I can 100% give you support or offer some advice for how to deal with the lifestyle changes it brings. You can always, always PM me if you don't want to put it out in the open, or even if you just have some questions.

Lots of love and support. It's incredibly hard to be a SAHM, struggle with financial issues, and relationship problems, all at the same time. You're very strong, and I hope it can resolve for you in the best possible way.

[devotchka]

Wow... that is so sad. Sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice and can just offer some e-hugs. Hope things get better for you!

[rainbowchip]

I'm the last one to offer marriage advice so I'm just gonna give you a big ole hug!

[sno&2peas]

Sorry Smudge!! Has he gone back to the doctor, he sounds depressed or maybe something else is going on that he should get checked out (from the head injury). To me it sounds like he has something going on healthwise or maybe he should just get re-checked out to rule something out...