Post by ashleydl83 on Apr 26, 2013 22:32:41 GMT -5
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's such a difficult place to be in. I don't know anything about sex therapy, but I'm sure the thought of it probably scares/freaks out YH. I don't know how I'd feel about talking to a stranger about my sex life. I'm super shy, so I'd be all awkward and quiet.
I hope you get things figured out with your meds and can talk to YH more. It's a sucky situation to be in.
ETA: Is it possible to change meds? XH was on meds that KILLED his sex drive, but his dr eventually switched him and it helped some.
What DH doesn't want more sex, is my question. Sorry, not helpful.
I know a couple who goes to sex therapy. He is on ADs and she is on something for PPD - ADs? I don't know how it is going because she hasn't volunteered any info lately and I can't bring myself to ask. ((tamb))
Post by charlielove on Apr 26, 2013 22:34:07 GMT -5
I see, that makes sense to wean off of them to see if it makes a difference.
I also understand feeling guilty/annoyed IRT sex. After both girls, the first 12 months or so were really not good in the sex area. This time around DH just seemed to accept it a little more and didn't even really try to get any. lol
Post by thedahliharpa on Apr 26, 2013 22:35:55 GMT -5
I would go but my DH would never go.
I don't have much advice for you as neither of us have much desire and are not on meds..though sometimes I think DH has PPD. We've been together 13 years and had great sex for the first 8. I feel like we are past our prime and are close to resigning to that...but I'll see how I feel when I'm done breastfeeding. Things improved once H weaned but we were also TTC.
I don't think it should all be up to you though. Have you talked about your concerns of going off your meds with him?
Oh Tamb, that sounds so frustrating. I am really sorry. I am not on anything for my (mild but still) anxiety but I have similar sex drive issues and it's one of the few things that is truly wrong with our marriage, at least for him (and frustrating for me.) Have you tried having the "therapy" type of conversation with him and say something to the effect of "when you are not willing to do something that you don't necessarily want to do to help our relationship it makes me feel __________ because I AM and I feel like I am trying to do this thing to help us?" Also, maybe find a new couples therapist? Sucks about wellbutrin - I know some people who took it who had anxiety and it helped but I guess it can make things worse, huh?
Therapy is good. I had finally started going and fell off the train a few weeks back. My therapist made me sad, lol. Would he be down for some regular therapy and then move into sex therapy? That was kind of my plan with my H.
Dahli, I might have. I honestly can't remember. He gets defensive, and I'm always worried we will fight, so I just make comments about things here and there and try to avoid any sort of serious discussion. I did try to get serious tonight, and I hope he thinks about it, even though his initial reaction was not promising.
This whole thing is tearing me up inside and making me really unhappy.
I'm sorry : - (
It really does sound like now is a good time for some extra help, at least for yourself but hopefully together.
Post by TrudyCampbell on Apr 26, 2013 22:47:21 GMT -5
Sometimes I think about going, too. This sounds insane but I only like having sex when there's a chance I could get pregnant. Otherwise I'd be fine with no sex. I also feel pretty awkward during sex even though I have no reason to.
Maybe your H isn't taking it seriously? Maybe if you tell him therapy will lead to more sex it will be an incentive?
Could you go to "normal" therapy and tell the therapist your main concern is the sex aspect? Maybe your husband would be more up for therapy if it wasn't called sex therapy. I 100% understand a lowered sex drive after having a child, I'm still fighting it and it is pretty much the only thing DH and I fight about anymore, it can be sad and frustrating, and I'm not even on any medicine that could lower it.
Could you go to "normal" therapy and tell the therapist your main concern is the sex aspect? Maybe your husband would be more up for therapy if it wasn't called sex therapy. I 100% understand a lowered sex drive after having a child, I'm still fighting it and it is pretty much the only thing DH and I fight about anymore, it can be sad and frustrating, and I'm not even on any medicine that could lower it.
I can't remember if you BF? If you do it can really lower your libido.
Therapy is good. I had finally started going and fell off the train a few weeks back. My therapist made me sad, lol. Would he be down for some regular therapy and then move into sex therapy? That was kind of my plan with my H.
I don't know. We did do therapy before (dvotchka, we actually aren't seeing anyone now), so I know he was open to it then.
I'm sorry to hear that some of you are dealing with similar issues. The real problem with sexual monogamy is that we were never supposed to live this long. lol. We were supposed to spit out a few kids in our late teens, get the oldest one old enough to take care of the rest, and then die before we had time to think about the fact that we might not want to have sex all the time anymore.
Therapy (sex or good ole regular couples therapy) can really jumpstart things. We only went half a dozen times but it got my DH who was very, very depressed at the time (he had been out of a job for a really long time and was miserable) to think about things differently. We went right before we got married and I do think it strengthened our bond and helped us work some things out. Maybe he will be open to it again. Esp. if it makes things "heat up" more Sex therapy used to seem silly to me, but this was when I was in my 20s, unmarried and had no fucking idea what I was talking about. Sure, you can research some of this stuff yourself but having someone to talk to about it and help you figure stuff out about your sex life could def. help.
Are you attracted to other men besides your husband? There's no shame in it - just curious if it's a lack of attraction to him (bc of your issues and how long youve been together, etc. etc.) or all men in general. I agree w/ you on the monogamy thing. This is why my bestie is poly!
Could you go to "normal" therapy and tell the therapist your main concern is the sex aspect? Maybe your husband would be more up for therapy if it wasn't called sex therapy. I 100% understand a lowered sex drive after having a child, I'm still fighting it and it is pretty much the only thing DH and I fight about anymore, it can be sad and frustrating, and I'm not even on any medicine that could lower it.
I can't remember if you BF? If you do it can really lower your libido.
I still am, I got a little better when AF came back, but its still nowhere near what it was. I really hope it comes back with I stop BFing.
Post by thedahliharpa on Apr 26, 2013 22:55:50 GMT -5
Or maybe part of my problem is that DH just looked at me and said "umm did you have a cookie?". Oops yeah I did about 4 hours ago and it's on my face. FFS stuff like that can't help :-)
Or maybe part of my problem is that DH just looked at me and said "umm did you have a cookie?". Oops yeah I did about 4 hours ago and it's on my face. FFS stuff like that can't help :-)
Or maybe part of my problem is that DH just looked at me and said "umm did you have a cookie?". Oops yeah I did about 4 hours ago and it's on my face. FFS stuff like that can't help :-)
I can't remember if you BF? If you do it can really lower your libido.
I still am, I got a little better when AF came back, but its still nowhere near what it was. I really hope it comes back with I stop BFing.
God, I hope. Unfortunately my sex drive dipped drastically when my mom passed 3 years ago and never came back. Sex once a month was good for us. On our honeymoon we had sex 2.5 times, lol.
I am really sorry, Tamb. I wish I had advice or something awesome to say to make you feel better. ((hugs))
I don't have much of a sex drive and even when I'm not on ADs, it's just always been like that. When I've taken Wellbutrin XL by itself my anxiety increased majorly. Now I take it with a low dose of Zoloft, no anxiety, or very minimal at least. It's a great combo, just fartin.
When you have sex are you enjoying it? I don't want sex much but when I do have it I really enjoy it and wonder wtf. But I'm lazy and tired too.
Hope things get better and you aren't alone in this as you can see.
<abbr>I guess it is mostly with him, but that is what real sex is for me. Everything else is just fantasy, and if it actually came down to really doing it more than once, I'd probably feel the same way with anyone. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just bored, but I am not really comfortable trying new things with him - which is probably something I need therapy for. lol. we are pretty boring and routine, sexually. And I don't know if I really want HIM to be any different. Like, different scenarios might be nice as fantasies, but I won't really want him acting them out, because it's just not how he is. I don't mean role-play, necessarily, just things that are not in line with his personality. e.g., I don't really want him picking me up and throwing me on the bed or talking dirty to me.
@lindy, I wish it were just a postpartum thing, but it has been going on for years. I don't mean to minimize what you are going through. It's just that then I would have something else to blame it on and I wouldn't worry so much that it indicated a fatal flaw in our relationship.
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Maybe going to therapy will help him explore new things (and then you can feel more comfortable exploring them with him)? Am I too far off?
@lindy, I wish it were just a postpartum thing, but it has been going on for years. I don't mean to minimize what you are going through. It's just that then I would have something else to blame it on and I wouldn't worry so much that it indicated a fatal flaw in our relationship.
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I'm sorry it has been going on so long. If you think you guys need counseling, then I think at the bare minimum you should go without DH if you have to. Maybe if he sees you being serious about it and going he will agree to come along. I would imagine he doesn't realize how important it is to you.``
I'm a big believer that you have to do what's right for you even when other people aren't supporting you in an ideal way. What about just calling a couple places and explaining that your dh isn't interested in joining you right now and seeing what kinda of things they can work on with just you. They have certainly been faced with couples that are at odds like this before. I think in a lot of relationships the odds are that they have different views on therapy.
It's a bit trite to say you are a person all by yourself and not just a married unit, but the point I'm trying to make is that you alone can do a lot to be happier in your relationship or just happier in general, kwim?
Post by EnchantedSoul on Apr 27, 2013 6:30:12 GMT -5
I wonder if YH feels like "sex therapy" implies that he is doing something wrong? Like he's not good at or something. I think if DH approached me and said he wanted me to go to sex therapy (regardless of what the issue stems from), I'd be offended. My guess is, it's the wording, not the actual therapy.
I do however, agree that you should try traditional therapy again. I don't know anything about sex therapy and when I think about it, I think about that creepy old lady, Dr. Ruth. I always thought sex therapists were freaky people who watched other people have sex. Not sure where I got that from, but maybe your husband thinks that too?
Perhaps a traditional psychotherapist can help you get to the root of the problem. Then, like dojo said, bring your husband in so you can work on it together. They can maybe also shed some light on what sex therapy actually entails. I hope things get better for you, I know this has bothered you for some time.
Sometimes I think about going, too. This sounds insane but I only like having sex when there's a chance I could get pregnant. Otherwise I'd be fine with no sex. I also feel pretty awkward during sex even though I have no reason to.
Maybe your H isn't taking it seriously? Maybe if you tell him therapy will lead to more sex it will be an incentive?
I hope it helps.
I am exactly the same way. Why have sex unless we're TTC? That's what gives it excitement for me