Not sure where to post this....advice please

[fryjack2]

I post/lurk here, ML, MM and MMMs.  I am hesitant to post because I feel like I'm being whiny and I usually have my shit together.  I'm posting here because this board is kinder in its responses Sorry it may be long and I may DD some details because I'm not that comfortable sharing info that can identify me IRL.

The past few weeks, I have started to feel really drained and to feel the full effect of having two babies.  I am starting to resent H, even though he is great.   I'm going to bullet point because I like bullet points

-H works long hours. He can't really cut back.   After the boys were born, he hasn't cut back on work, but he has cut back on the time he spends at work.
- I cut my hours to part time when I came back from maternity leave
- On my days off, I do all the household stuff like grocery shop, prepare the boys meals, pay bills, pretty much everything that keeps the house running. 
-We have a nanny on the days I work.  She is great with the kids, but I want one that cleans up after the boys, does their laundry, etc.  She doesn't.  We pay her well. Above the average rate.  I don't know how to have the conversation with her, but I need to. I don't want to pay her more to do things every other nanny I know does. Any suggestions?
-We have a cleaning crew that comes 2/month.  Its great, but I feel like we need them to come every other day. Ha!
- we dont have family close by.  Our babysitter graduated from college and moved away.  Now I dont have anyone to watch the boys for a few hours on my days off so I can run errands.  I'm actively looking for a new one.

I feel a lot of guilt.  About so many things. For not bringing in as much money as I used to.  I get stressed about money when we are fine financially, but I miss the income we used to have.  That sounds so snobby.  After my parents got divorced, money was tight and I never wanted to feel the way I did as a kid again.  We are far from that, but money has always irrationally stressed me out.  Twins are not cheap. Our life is going to be so different than I pictured and I'm still getting used to that reality.  That may be a huge part of the sadness I feel.  It actually causes me some anxiety as well. 

Guilt for not being a perfect mom.  I just started signed the boys up for a music class.  All the other moms have been bringing their kids since basically birth.  They all seem to be more aware of what baby stuff is out there and doing more with their babies than I am.

Guilty for resenting H.  He works so hard and so many long hours.  I get annoyed when he doesnt do stuff, but he says that if i asked, he would do whatever it is.  I feel like I shouldnt have to ask.  Or that he should see that we are almost out of diaper wipes and go buy some, or that we are out of cereal, etc and not just assume I will get some.  Its hard as shit to get two kids out to run errands.  He always thanks me for picking up dinner, or doing laundry or whatever, but I wish he would just do some of the stuff he thanks me for doing without me asking.  Maybe I'm being a stubborn snot?

This morning H and I got into an argument about me feeling like I'm carrying most of the load.  He said something along the lines of I need to figure out how to stop being so angry and annoyed with him.  He has suggested making a list to divide up tasks and I have said no.  But maybe I should try it.  It just sounds so lame and little childish.  H- your chore is laundry and dishes.  Mine is grocery shopping and diapers.  Its annoying to even think about.  Why do we need a list to tell us what needs to be done? Isn't it obvious?  He said he thinks I need to go back to work full time because that would help with some of my issues.  I feel like it would just add more stress.  Like I would be working a shitload AND doing all the things I am already doing with even less time to do so.

What's it like in your house? Any advice for me?  Grow up? make a list?  Spend more money on outsourcing even if it makes me stress more about money? 

I realize this is what life is like with kids, I just need a little help learning how to balance it all.  Thank you!

[silverjm]

Sorry you're struggling.

I know we all just want our husband's to know what needs to get done and do it, but the reality is that they are generally oblivious. They do much better when given specific direction. Just make him a list, especially if he's asked for one. Hopefully he'll start taking some of the load off, and that will help with your stress.

[rjamz]

First of all, I also love bullet points, so I'm going with those too.  (high5)

- I wish I had advice about your H working so much. My H is in med school and is on a particularly busy rotation. I can't imagine what it's like for the attending, and especially with twins. Does his hospital have some sort of group for the spouses of physicians? Maybe talking to other moms in the same position will help. I have a friend with twins whose husband is a corporate lawyer and also works insane hours. For her, the motto is "are they reasonably clothed? Do they have poop-free diapers? Have they eaten some time recently?" If the answer is yes, they're good to go. 

- you need to talk to your nanny. All the nannies I know pick up after the kids and does their laundry. That's part of the job. Especially the cleaning up after them part! I'm shocked that she doesn't.

- you are a great mom! See motto above. I just signed J up for music class like last month. One of the nannies there asked me if he went to any other classes. I was like, "uh......" The kid she watches goes to 4. That's just crazy pants to me. 

- I feel you on the cleaning thing, I just sat down from cleaning the house, but I SWEAR I just did it 2 days ago. 

- make the list for your H! My H knows dishes are his thing, for example. I don't do dishes. I hate dishes. He also folds and puts away the laundry. I do the washing and drying, he folds and puts it away. Knowing that's what he does has really helped.

- the college I live by has a babysitting service. Does the one(s) near you?

- as for money, I totally understand you. We are fine financially, but when I was younger my mom lost her job and my day's business collapsed in 1 year and we went from being very wealthy to....not. It's hard not to think about it. 

[DesertMoon]

Aw fryjack im sorry. As far as advice, I think your dh had a good idea...if you tell him what you need help with, he will probably just do it. Its hard being a mom of twins but its hard to be the provider financially too so go easy on him, take a day off, get a massage try to clear your mind, it will all work out! Tell your nanny you need help and she needs to straighten up as well or shell be taking a paycut, because she isn't doing enough and it sounds like shes over paid, so give her more duties.

[Deleted]

I could have written this. I have written things similar to this. I am trying to do a full time job at part time hours. My h works (not as much as yours) but a lot. We have a part time nanny. And we bicker about household duties all the time. I feel resentful and I miss my independence.

Make that list! He offered and it will help make the household needs more visible. We have tried this plan and it didn't work, but just coming up with the list made my husband realize the work going into household upkeep and made me understand what was most important to him.

The nanny was the best choice for baby Thad. It is NOT the best choice for toddler Thad. He is bored at home and our house is always a mess. He is going to full time day care in the fall. I could swing part time, but I need to be able to get my work done in a timely manner and I think he will like the routine. It is a big financial commitment for us, but we both feel like it will improve all of our lives. Could you consider some out of home care?

Both of you need to make a visible list of what is most important in your home life--quality time with the boys, Dan counters, and a vacuumed floor is my H's big three. Quality time, clean bathroom and clean sink are mine. Everything else we try to consciously not worry about.

Hugs! Keep posting and talking about this! It is important to vent!

[joyhart02]

Props to you for everything you do at home!

We have a lot of the same stress's but I think that just comes with the territory with children.

When we are out of something I just ask dh to pick it up if I can't. Or if I have no idea what is for dinner then I tell him I have no idea can you pick something up. I understand it is not like this for everyone and it is hard for some people but this is how it has always been for us.

I understand about getting out of the house with two kids. I just went grocery shopping by myself with both girls for the first time last weekend.

Maybe try making a list at first of dividing up the chores and after a while it will just become natural and you won't need to "list" things anymore.

[chia]

Sorry - ran across this on the app, but recognize you from MM/MMM.

First, IMO I don't think you can really ask the current nanny to do much more than she's doing now without paying more (because it wasn't in the current agreement/contract). You could talk to her, but it might piss her off.

For the stuff like wipes & cereal - could you sign up for Amazon Prime, or grocery delivery? Our grocery store delivers, for like $5 an order.

While I don't think you should necessarily make a list to split chores with DH, maybe listing things out would make it feel more manageable, and less overwhelming? I could help you to figure out how to tackle it - whether that means you do more, he does more, or you hire more help.

Re: the kid activities... don't let yourself get caught up in the rat race. The kids have plenty of years for activity and enrichment ahead of them. Most of those baby classes are a big, fat, overpriced waste of money. There's no way missing out in an extra session of gymboree is going to have a lasting effect on your kids' well being.

Sent from my Nexus S 4G using proboards

[chia]

Also? Just let some of it go.
you don't need a perfect house, and despite perception, NONE of us are perfect moms!

Sent from my Nexus S 4G using proboards

[DesertMoon]

That was a very helpful answer chia...now you must stay and be the april 2012 counselor.

[shmoo]

Sorry, my advice will be all over the place.

As to the nanny, what is in your contract?  Our nanny (we have a nanny share) will do some laundry but we never expected her to actually clean.  When the babies were younger and slept more, she would clean the kitchen during naps, but now they rarely sleep at the same time.  Our only expectation is that the dishes used for meals be cleaned or put in the dishwasher.  if you didn't initially talk to her about cleaning, you may need to pay her more money. 

I understand the guilt.  I feel guilty over everything.  I currently am convincing myself that if I were a better mother, my child would not have delays.  If I had not gotten an epidural, I would have been able to push him out faster and his heart rate would not have dropped, he would not have needed forceps.  I feel guilt that I send my nanny to Mommy and Me classes since I work, and yes when we started weekend music classes, all the other parents already knew each other because their kids had been enrolled since birth.  But I am also trying to let it go, because it really doesn't do any good.

I love making lists, and I do think that they help.  My H isn't at all insulted by it, in fact he just made up a spring cleaning list for us for the weekend.  We are both visual people, so it helps to see what it is we need to do, and then we both enjoy crossing things off once we finish them.  When H knows what he is supposed to do, he does it without me nagging him, which makes both of us so much happier!

Do you enjoy your work?  I love my job, and even though it is super stressful, I look forward to it.  I find it much more enjoyable than cleaning, paying bills, running errands.  If working more hours meant that I had the money to outsource all of the crap I hate doing, then I would work more.  To me the payoff would be that even though I had less time home, I would be able to focus all of that time on my family. 

Good luck!

[fusion]

-For sure make that list, it may seem silly, but I think it will help in communication and resentment building up. Men are usually dense, and ones that are even receptive to being told what to do should be seen as a positive.

-I agree with seeing what is in your contract and going from there with the nanny. If you didn't have clear expectations at the beginning then a change can make the nanny resentful now. If you included that there needs to be tidying up after the kids then you need to have a talk about fulfilling expectations. I can imagine though that it can be hard to tidy up a lot when taking care of two infants/toddlers.

-We have a cleaning crew too, and the house is clean then until the kids wake up from their nap. It's hard to keep everything clean! Sometimes you do just have to let go of some expectations for a little bit. I have clients come to my house though, so I have to keep at least the downstairs at an acceptable level. I limit toys that are out by keeping bins in closets and rotating them in order to keep the clutter down (and the interest levels up).

-I also get almost all our food delivered, and we eat an almost completely organic/pastured meat and dairy diet. I get pantry items from vitacost.com, meat products from www.grasslandbeef.com/ and fruit, veggie, milk and eggs from a local company. It saves me soooooo much time and money!

[sno&2peas]

Sorry you are having a hard time. It is hard especially with twins. My H works full time but he's a systems engineer so he works from home. He has been helping more with the kids but I do the bulk. I work two days a week currently and on those two days my mom takes care of the twins. I spend a few hours cleaning my house everyday (cause I'm crazy) and it still isn't up to par (always something to do). My H does trash, some laundry, some dishes, and outside. My kids don't take part in a music class or anything like that. I may be a single mom soon too so it is definitely hard. I did the first 6 months of my kids lives without help (besides my mom 2 days a week). I did all the nights while my shithead H slept 9 hours. It was definitely hard! I'm so glad my kids STTN now seriously! I would be dead if they didn't.

[eav2c]

First off, I think you are great and twin moms are such super heroes in my eyes.

Honestly, try the list. Give it a few weeks. Your H will know his duties and it will hold him accountable. You might realize you love the idea. Of course as women, we see things and just do them. Men don't. I write my H honey to-do lists and they work. It holds him accountable and he can't pull the "I forgot" card. Give it a few weeks and see how you feel! ((hugs))

[jaime183]

sorry you are going through this. I think you are amazing for juggling all that with twins. Try to see what is the best deal to pay for convenience- I love amazon prime- I would order a bunch from there if I were you and maybe even grocery delivery. If the cleaning lady would help you and be worth it - do it.
I also make lists for my H and he does them but if I don't write them down he wont.
((hugs))

[tuck]

Disclaimer: I'm a sort of broke SAHM, so my advice is coming from that perspective. I've also recently started really thinking about minimalism, so some of my advice will be based on that. Based on what you said, I really think a simplified approach to life could really help you. Check this out if you have the time: www.becomingminimalist.com/becoming-minimalist-start-here/

I feel you with the husband working long hours part. It blows. Really, really blows. It's Saturday morning, and DH left for work at 8:30 this morning, like he did every day this week, and will probably do tomorrow. With him working really long hours, it's important for the ones he spends at home to be quality hours. Connection-building hours. That will make everyone happier and create a stronger family in the end. 

First: Simplify. The kids are babies and probably don't have very strong opinions on toys. Each kid gets 5 toys and they all live in a designated area. That way it really shouldn't take more than 5-10 minutes to clean the living area after the kids are asleep. You can put the rest of them up and switch them out every two weeks or so. We just started doing this at our house this week, and it's been fantastic. Currently she has a toy car, stacking cups, a singing lion, a baby doll, a book, and a puzzle out. She actually plays with them, and it takes me hardly any time at all to clean up at night. 

I kind of doubt you can ask the nanny to do any more than she already is, since it doesn't sound like that was in the original agreement. By making it easier to clean up, I think a lot of that burden will be lifted. Is there a reason the kids' laundry isn't mixed in with all the rest? If there isn't, mix it in. Start a load when you wake up on your day off, put it in the dryer at lunch, and you and your H put it away after the kids are sleeping. You and H spend that time talking or watching a show you both like (so it's a connection-building time as well as getting a chore done).

Minimalism is, to me, letting go of shit that isn't actively making your life better. It sounds like music class isn't. Drop it if it makes you feel bad! These are babies! They don't give a shit! You know what Sadie's favorite activity is? Eating leaves. True story.

The guilt isn't making life any better, either. At the end of the day, if nothing has caught on fire, I consider it a success. Try to think for a minute of what is truly important to you- that the kids know they are loved, that the house isn't CPS-worthy, and that you don't feel like strangling any one, perhaps? If those things are true at the end of the day, then the day was successful. It doesn't matter if BeckySue's nanny brings her to three music classes and an interpretive gymnastics class every week. It really, really doesn't.

Since I've started thinking about minimalism, I've gotten rid of 23 garbage bags of stuff. I still have a ton to go through. We live in a 1,000 sq/ft townhouse. I'm still amazed there was that much shit in my house. Some of it went to Goodwill, but a lot to trash. This junk was getting in my way, pissing me off every time I had to put away Tupperware, and tripping me when I walked by. I was letting Tupperware piss me off. How absurd is that?! I'd wager there's probably some stuff sitting around in your house that isn't making your life better, too. By really examining our stuff, we can see what is really important to us. Plus, when we have a nice, clear space, we're less likely to fill it up with impulse purchases and more shit we don't need, thus saving money.

It really sounds like your husband wants to make it better. That's fantastic! There are a ton of men that would just expect the wife to fix it on her own. Since he seems open to it, sit down and make a list of all the things that need to be done on a weekly basis to keep the house in line (I'm not talking about wiping down baseboards or anything. I mean laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, etc.). Then you circle the three things you hate doing the most. He circles his three. You do his three, he does your three. Hopefully they aren't the same three, and if they are, then you work on them together. 

[monkeybabe]

Coming from the perspective of someone who needs lists, do it. It might seem silly, but seriously, it's so helpful for me when Patsy writes out lists for me, because I'm just not wired the same. He'll see stuff that needs doing and I'll walk right passed it. You're juggling a lot of stuff and I give you mad props for doing all that. Also, I've never heard of a nanny not cleaning up after the child they're caring for.

[shevacc]

I wanted to chime in quickly then maybe I'll be able to add more later from my real computer. We went through a very similar struggle with me getting stressed and angry at DH, even with just 1 child. We both work fulltime with reasonable hours and it's still hard, and will be even harder with 2 I know.

Right now I'm feeling reasonably on top of things in a normal week though I still have stressed out moments. And all bets are off when a wrench gets thrown into the mix. Things that have helped:
We outsourced the stuff we hate or don't have time for -- house cleaning every 2 weeks and yard cleanup twice a year. We tried out having a personal chef prep several meals for us a week since it was healthier than takeout and the same price. That was nice but not worth it for us now. But maybe for you?

I see a big difference in giving DH a micromanaged task list and dividing up major chores on an ongoing basis. We sometimes come up with a specific "honey do" list but every week DH takes out the trash, keeps the cats fed and litter boxes clean, and cooks several dinners. I do all of my and G's laundry and some of his, pickup toys/clutter, keep the kitchen reasonably clean, and cook the remaining nights. It really helps to know our chore responsibilities bc then we're not waiting around for the other to do it while getting silently annoyed (we've both done this sometimes).

I send G to a daycare with a preschool curriculum. Now your boys are older and possibly getting bored with the nanny, maybe it would be something to consider? We don't do any classes bc she has music time and social time at daycare. Or instead of "enrichment" classes sign them up for a preschool program a few hours a week and have the nanny take them. Then she can clean while they're not home.

And finally, don't be so hard on yourself. It's much easier to appear to be on top of everything than to actually have it all together. Balancing work, family, husband, and life responsibilities is HARD. The thing that helps me the most is taking an hour or two for myself every few weeks to recharge. Do you have any time for you?

Hugs, fryjack, I think you're doing great. Stop in here and vent anytime and share your time saving and multitasking tips with us as well.

[imimahoney]

I think you have gotten some great responses so I will just comment on the nanny aspect.

I used to nanny in the Boston area and was once asked by my employer to start doing some house work. She offered to pay me .50 more an hour and I was making an average rate. Even if I was getting above average she might be resistant to take on more work with out some sort of compensation. If she is unwilling to do more and you need more but don't want to pay be honest with her and tell her that sadly you will have to find someone else.

[shevacc]

I love all of tuck's suggestions. We haven't hid toys but do have 5 large toy storage totes that I think are attractive. That was my Christmas present. It's much faster to throw the toys in then it quickly looks picked up. www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006Y7OUMW/ref=twister_B006Y7OS4C?ie=UTF8&psc=1 If the link doesn't work, they're the 3 sprouts ones. So far only 3 are in use in case her toys multiply in the night.

[AndyCohen]

I don't have time for a long response or to read the other responses to know if its been said. But classes at this age are more for me than my daughter. I take her to class so I can get out of the house and interact with other adults.

Also agree with the suggestion for grocery delivery and anything that will make life easier.

[creamsiclechica]

I think you have to a) give yourself more credit and b) maybe give a little with your DH. Don't take the latter the wrong way, please. But look at it this way, your H is making suggestions to better help manage the household and the stress, and you don't want to take it. I understand completely why you don't, because to you (and most of us) it makes more sense for him to just identify and remedy a situation. But people aren't mind readers, and people have different ways of thinking and approaching problem solving. If he's working long hours, he might see an issue, but assume you've already seen it and will be taking care of it because you always do. Instead of resenting him for that, try and allow yourself to communicate. If he's suggesting a list, give it a try. It might be what he needs so that he knows what your expectations are and what his responsibility is.

You have two children. That in itself is completely overwhelming. They have different schedules that don't always add up, they have needs that often occur at different times, and you're meeting those needs. Consider that a victory, without focusing on what you feel is a shortcoming. Classes, activities, those are all great, but not if they're an additional source of stress for you in an already full and complicated life. Think of how they have built in interaction with each other, they can learn and grow by watching and being with each other. That's an at home benefit that you have that you don't need a class for. And there's no need for guilt, you don't deserve that, especially not from yourself. Think of all the struggles you've been through to just care for two children, you worked TIRELESSLY to breast feed despite all those setbacks and struggle. Compliment yourself as a mother, and don't bring yourself down.

We all have standards, and that's a good thing. But in your situation, just adjust for perspective. Your house might not be perfect to your pre-baby standards, but that's because your priorities and your time is divided differently. Everyone harks back to pre-baby days, but to try and accomplish the same with two small people who need so much, in the same amount of time, is only setting yourself up for failure, and there's no need for that, truly.

Maybe have a discussion with your nanny. Others have given you lots of great advice on that already. Just communicate. Try having a talk with your husband, don't issue blame to each other, let each of you discuss what your thought process is like, what your priorities are, and mostly importantly, how much you respect and value what each other is doing for the other and the kids.

And take some time to yourself. Take a break. Take a step back from errands, work, kids, house, money, and take a moment and just be you. It might just help you center what you're feeling and ease some of the frustration. You're doing an AMAZING job. Remember that above all else. It's okay to be overwhelmed. But that doesn't mean you're failing. You're succeeding every day.
Hugs.

[fryjack2]

You guys, I'm crying. You are all awesome. THANK YOU for responding and for all the input and suggestions. Truly.

creamsiclechica I so needed to read that. Thank you.

fusion I'm book marking this thread so I can reference the food sources you listed.

shevacc I actually toured a Montessori school a couple weeks ago. I loved it, but they would only enroll the boys 3 days a week. We only need two. I thought about just doing the 3, but its really expensive.

tuck Spring cleaning is on our to do list. I paln on throwing out half our condo

rjamz I have a similar motto

[fusion]

vitacost will also get your 6% back through ebates if you decide to order through them