Oldest children gripes in here

[curtains]

May 1, 2013 6:39:22 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

I definitely get along better with oldest/onlies.

Me too

[auntie]

Apr 30, 2013 23:56:38 GMT -5 @otterama said:

Apr 30, 2013 23:53:47 GMT -5 kooshball said:

How about only children? oldest and youngest, best of all worlds?

Only children are not even close to being like the oldest children

True. So true. I kind of got the shitend of both sticked- respobsibility and divided resources of a sib in childhood with no help now that parents are older and frailer.

Along with the usual oldest role of defining what is appropriate and safe in terms of privileges, I had the responsibility of helping to raise my behaviorally challenging sib. My father was an oldest who re-wrote his own history as a sibling. He was raised by wolves and did step up to a large degree, but betcha didn't know Mother Theresa was a boy? Let's just say I was held to an even higher standard of siblinghood.

I was the one called to the office when she flipped out in school. I babysat her while my parents got their degrees, took some "me time" and worked. In retrospect, she had ODD, SPD, and ADHD with a genius IQ as a little kid. As a teen she developed either comorbid bipolar or borderline. She was a challenging individual. She married at 18, bred at 19 and died at 33 from complications of HIV/AIDS. She basically destroyed my father, aged my mother 30 years and bailed on parenting. The only good thing out of this, is my relationship with her DD who is the girl I never had.

[iamgrace]

Nothing crazy. Just the usual - my 6 year younger sister got away with murder while I was under lock and key at the same age. My brothers just did whatever the eff they felt like .

[Deleted]

So, I have stories, but mostly a question. Do any of you really do feel bitterness towards your parents? Because I do, as well as resentment, and the older I've gotten, the more vocal I've gotten about how differently my parents treated us. Even outsiders, like my parents' friends who've watched us grow up, have commented on how differently we were treated.

I'm not really sure how to get over it.

It doesn't help that my brother is a colossal screw up and still gets things handed to him.

[curtains]

May 1, 2013 7:21:53 GMT -5 @tnteacher said:

So, I have stories, but mostly a question. Do any of you really do feel bitterness towards your parents? Because I do, as well as resentment, and the older I've gotten, the more vocal I've gotten about how differently my parents treated us. Even outsiders, like my parents' friends who've watched us grow up, have commented on how differently we were treated.

I'm not really sure how to get over it.

It doesn't help that my brother is a colossal screw up and still gets things handed to him.

Nah - I am 40 and have a whole life since my childhood that I think about.  It seems so long ago and I know my parents did their best just like I am doing my best with my kid.  I was safe, clothed, loved... sure some things aren't fair but ... meh, life isn't fair.  I am very content with my life, including my childhood.

If you asked me 20 years ago I was probably a little bitter but age has given me perspective. There are far harder things in life than being an oldest, lol.  I wouldn't trade it for anything

[lightbulbsun]

In elementary school, my brother would fake cry and say I hit him. My mom always believed him and I got in trouble for it. Although one time they did catch him when he tried it and I wasn't even in the same room. They never apologized, though, just laughed about it.

When I went to college I had to leave my car so my brother could use it. Then he went to college and got to take the car with him, even though I was still in college, too. His college was halfway home from mine, so I would have to take the bus to his school and then he would drive the rest of the way home. Not fair!

[dirtyred]

This post is certainly getting me riled up as all the memories come back....

I have always called my brother The Crown Prince because that's how he was treated. What pisses me off the most is that I was also expected to treat him as such and wait on him hand and foot. I could tell stories all day.

And my parents wonder why I left home as soon as I graduated high school and never came back.

[MrsStark]

May 1, 2013 7:21:53 GMT -5 @tnteacher said:

So, I have stories, but mostly a question. Do any of you really do feel bitterness towards your parents? Because I do, as well as resentment, and the older I've gotten, the more vocal I've gotten about how differently my parents treated us. Even outsiders, like my parents' friends who've watched us grow up, have commented on how differently we were treated.

I'm not really sure how to get over it.

It doesn't help that my brother is a colossal screw up and still gets things handed to him.

I do! As a matter of fact, I could have written this post.

But my family situation was beyond effed up. It's better now that I have a somewhat okay relationship with them and my parents constantly bemoan how awful my brother is and I just tell them how much they fucked up with him.

[luckyval]

May 1, 2013 7:13:16 GMT -5 auntie said:

Apr 30, 2013 23:56:38 GMT -5 @otterama said:

Only children are not even close to being like the oldest children

True. So true. I kind of got the shitend of both sticked- respobsibility and divided resources of a sib in childhood with no help now that parents are older and frailer.

Along with the usual oldest role of defining what is appropriate and safe in terms of privileges, I had the responsibility of helping to raise my behaviorally challenging sib. My father was an oldest who re-wrote his own history as a sibling. He was raised by wolves and did step up to a large degree, but betcha didn't know Mother Theresa was a boy? Let's just say I was held to an even higher standard of siblinghood.

I was the one called to the office when she flipped out in school. I babysat her while my parents got their degrees, took some "me time" and worked. In retrospect, she had ODD, SPD, and ADHD with a genius IQ as a little kid. As a teen she developed either comorbid bipolar or borderline. She was a challenging individual. She married at 18, bred at 19 and died at 33 from complications of HIV/AIDS. She basically destroyed my father, aged my mother 30 years and bailed on parenting. The only good thing out of this, is my relationship with her DD who is the girl I never had.

Nicer cars, later curfews be damned, this is some shit right here. You took on more than any kid should have had to auntie and I just want to give you a huge internet hug

Where did your neice go after her mom died?

[leeann]

Apr 30, 2013 22:35:33 GMT -5 margotmacomber said:

Apr 30, 2013 22:33:48 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

My mom was 17 when she had me.

She was 34 when she had my little sister.

Wanna know how much I'm jealous of?

How much time do you have? Lol.

My mom turned 16 in the hospital with me.  My youngest sister is 18 now.  LOLOLOL    

My mom was 16 when she had me and 27 when she had my youngest sister.  I could have written this same thing. 

[papie]

I had a curfew until I was 17.  My brother (one year younger) never had one. 

[DotAndBuzz]

May 1, 2013 7:21:53 GMT -5 @tnteacher said:

So, I have stories, but mostly a question. Do any of you really do feel bitterness towards your parents? Because I do, as well as resentment, and the older I've gotten, the more vocal I've gotten about how differently my parents treated us. Even outsiders, like my parents' friends who've watched us grow up, have commented on how differently we were treated.

I'm not really sure how to get over it.

It doesn't help that my brother is a colossal screw up and still gets things handed to him.

Bitterness?  No.  More like irritation that I've come to accept.  Brother and I basically buddied up as adults and now just laugh and make fun of the completely ridiculous relationship between our younger sister and our parents.   Better to laugh about it than stew.  Nothing is going to change, so why waste the energy being pist, you know?

[Deleted]

: youngest child running through post - nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! :

[VeryViolet]

I am going to be a bit of a Debbie Downer in this post. I am six years older than my sister and when I left for college my parents marriage hit some major stumbling blocks which had a lot to do with my dad's mental health and addiction issues. They definitely kind of gave up raising my sister. She did get away with murder, got a brand new car at 16, etc. which pissed me off to no end at the time. In the long run I see that I am in much better shape as an adult though because things at home were relatively normal (stricter) for me when I was younger.

[rupertpenny]

When I turned 16 my mom bought me a (pretty crappy) car with the expectation she would never have to drive me sister anywhere again. My sister was two years younger than me and treated me like the hired help, I had to drive her and her friends anywhere they wanted to go, regardless of whatever other plans I might have. And then when I went to college I had to give that car to my sister and she never had to drive anyone around, she just used the car to skip school and go to the beach. Add to this that my mom had another baby right before I turned 16 so I was completely in responsible for myself and my sister from that point on.

And yes, I am resentful sometimes. I talk to my therapist about this stuff often haha.

[mbcdefg]

I had to include my younger sister in everything, but nobody said a peep when I wanted to do something with her and she just called me a fat ugly loser with no friends.

I lived at home after college. Our parents were away for the night and my boyfriend (now MH) that I'd been dating for about 4 years was hanging out at the house, and it got late so I said he could just spend the night. My teenage sister got home from work, saw that he was in his pajamas, and promptly called our folks to tattle on me.

A couple months later our parents were again away for the night. I got up early to go to work, and my sister was in her bed with some guy I'd never seen before. I said, "You've got to be fucking kidding me," and I started looking for apartments that same day. (Even though I didn't tell on her, lol. We get along now, though, so I've let it go.)

My brother is six years younger than me so there wasn't a lot of direct competition between the two of us. My parents definitely treated him differently because he was the only boy and (like the two of them) he was the youngest. Once he was a teenager, he was allowed to do stuff that (and occasionally our sister) couldn't do because I was a girl. I wasn't allowed to spend the night at now-MH's house after his dad had a heart attack and had been in the hospital for a week, but my brother regularly sleeps over his girlfriend's house now.

[DotAndBuzz]

Differences in parenting:

I was a dancer. I destroyed my jazz and ballet shoes, simply because i was dancing all the time both for school and after school at my dance studio. However, I got ONE pair a year. One. They always looked like complete shit at the end of the year for the recital (like, sole flapping around, holes in the bottom) but I wasn't allowed to have new ones until the new school year. So, 2 pairs of shoes that I wore every.single.day to dance in. All year.

My sister, however, *needed* at least 6 pairs of athletic shoes per year. Cleats for soccer and softball, basketball shoes, and of course, PRACTICE shoes/sneakers for each sport. She couldn't use you know, the same pair of sneakers for each sport in practice. Oh no. To this day each time I go home/see her, she has brand spanking new shoes that my mom just bought her. Because, I mean, the hot new color is orange, so how can she NOT have orange sneakers? It is also a running joke between my brother and me that without fail, my sister will *need* to go shopping at the outlets whenever she visits home. With my mom. So that my mom can buy her shit. She's 28.

[auntie]

luckyval

My niece was 14 when he mom died, she and her younger sister lived with my parents for a couple years. But she spent an increasing amount of time with me when my parents were traveling. After my sister died, my parents went through a phase where they seemed to be running away from their lives. Her dad was in rehab for a time and eventually she went to live with him until she started college.

She doesn't have a great relationship with him either. He has 3 sets of kids and she always seemed to get the least amount of nurturing. These days, he has no relationship with her older brother or her sister; he's almost 60 and raising his youngest 2 who are 5 and 6. The six is a abstinence baby (ADHD and behavior issues) whose adoption was final last month and the five has autism- they're a handful.

Niece has a nice life. She has a well paid position doing medical research and does a lot of travel.

[Deleted]

My parents refused to buy me a car and told me I couldn't get my license until I was 18.

Guess who got their license on their 16th birthday AND got a car? Little brother.

[sunshineray]

I'm the oldest of 6 kids. There are only 10 years between me and my youngest brother so you can imagine the crazy fun. I was just expected to pick up the slack where my mom couldn't handle stuff. I have definitely noticed the more relaxed parents are with the younger kids as they get older. My situation is a little weird since my parents moved to Turkey with my youngest brothers before they were teenagers, so they grew up there drinking and going to bars before they were 18.

Honestly, I harbor no jealousy or resentment for that treatment when I was growing up. I see the kind of struggles they've had as a result of the lax parenting and mostly just feel bad.

[Deleted]

I had to come home from school every day and get dinner started for everyone while my younger sisters got to hang out with friends. I got my first job when I was 15 and bought my first car and paid for my own insurance, younger sister had not one, but TWO cars bought for her before she was 18. I have never been outside of the US, youngest sister has been to Jamaica, Bahamas, Puerto Rico and more. She's only 21. All trips courtesy of my mom. Ugh.

[Deleted]

Pretty much the same as everyone else, bought my own car, he had a car bought for him, blah, blah, blah.
I am 37, he just turned 35. Things have mostly evened out for us, except he finally has a job that is almost full time, he goes to school full time and JUST started paying his own cell phone bill. My mom still pays for his car insurance. Oh, and he lives in my basement, has never lived on his own or paid full rent (he gives me $200 a month, which he feels is more than fair). The kid STILL has no idea how the real world works.
I hope and pray I do not do this to my children.

ETA: What I mean by evened out is that my parents now treat me like the golden child and him like the leper. I think mostly because I birthed their grandchildren.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

May 1, 2013 10:29:04 GMT -5 @mrsmarlowe said:

Pretty much the same as everyone else, bought my own car, he had a car bought for him, blah, blah, blah.
I am 37, he just turned 35. Things have mostly evened out for us, except he finally has a job that is almost full time, he goes to school full time and JUST started paying his own cell phone bill. My mom still pays for his car insurance. Oh, and he lives in my basement, has never lived on his own or paid full rent (he gives me $200 a month, which he feels is more than fair). The kid STILL has no idea how the real world works.
I hope and pray I do not do this to my children.

ETA: What I mean by evened out is that my parents now treat me like the golden child and him like the leper. I think mostly because I birthed their grandchildren.

Uh,  you are part of his problem.

[litebright]

My younger sister liked to flaunt her popularity to me, the nerd.

She had a date to a HS dance once and I did not; my parents made me drive her (45 minutes away) and find something to do until it was over so I could drive her home. I think they thought it was a good thing b/c I could at least go to a bookstore and not be home alone (we lived in BFE), but really it just stung and was an unpleasant reminder of my lack of social life, and I would've preferred to stay home and not chauffeur her around all dressed up for a dance.

I also still remember how much I hated being a latchkey kid with my younger siblings, in grade school. We'd get a list of chores and they would refuse to do any of them, and I knew we'd get in trouble if they didn't get done, so I would nag and nag and ended up doing all the work while they sat and watched TV -- then when my parents got home they would lie and say they helped, and I would get so mad. My kids will get specific assignments so there's no question about who gets held accountable.

[cc]

I wanted to join the band in elementary school, but my parents said no and made me join the chorus instead.

My sister, who is 4 years younger than me, asked to join the band when she got to elementary school and they let her! I was so jealous.

[cc]

Oh, and I was expected to watch her when my mom started dating again. I was a teenager and didn't want to have to babysit her, dammit! I wanted to be out with my friends!

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 10:32:28 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

May 1, 2013 10:29:04 GMT -5 @mrsmarlowe said:

Pretty much the same as everyone else, bought my own car, he had a car bought for him, blah, blah, blah.
I am 37, he just turned 35. Things have mostly evened out for us, except he finally has a job that is almost full time, he goes to school full time and JUST started paying his own cell phone bill. My mom still pays for his car insurance. Oh, and he lives in my basement, has never lived on his own or paid full rent (he gives me $200 a month, which he feels is more than fair). The kid STILL has no idea how the real world works.
I hope and pray I do not do this to my children.

ETA: What I mean by evened out is that my parents now treat me like the golden child and him like the leper. I think mostly because I birthed their grandchildren.

Uh,  you are part of his problem.

Yes, yes I am

[anlo]

As kids things were always pretty fair between my brother and me. He is only 2 years younger, so that may have played a part. I can't think of anything major that was different.

As adults, it's a bit different. He gets quite a bit of financial help, but I'm just glad that I don't need that kind of help (or at least I haven't yet). And I get a good amount of help with my kids.

I'm just going to dump this here, too. I worry about how I treat my oldest in relation to her brother because of his special needs. In our situation, there are going to have to be different expectations for each of them, and although I will do my best to be fair, I'm afraid of causing DD to resent us and/or her brother.