i can't decide if i'm annoyed. justifiably.

[Deleted]

my parents have rented a beach house on the jersey shore for 2 weeks this summer (in a nice area where snooki would mostly look out of place).  it's a giant pain in the ass to get to from where i live, but it's where i went as a kid and i'm excited to take L there.  they've never done anything like this before, it's a BFD for them, AND it's for my mom's 65th birthday.

okay, so first my dad is all "omigah, come THE WHOLE TIME."  that's not really an option (we can swing like We/Th-Su) given another vacation we'd already planned (before we knew about the house) and my work and that i'll be going on mat leave and blah blah.  okay, great.  my parents are disappointed but understanding.

my husband is being wishy-washy about whether he'll come.  he's like "you and L should go just the two of you and really spend time with your parents!"  i don't think he really gets how much of a BFD this is for my very frugal parents who worked very hard for a long time to be able to do things like this (literally, i went on one vacation before the age of 18 that involved not staying with relatives.  one.  because that's what we could afford.).  plus i'll be ginormous then (it's in august).

i don't want to strongarm him into going (he's worried about billables, paternity leave, blah blah blah).  i just want him to WANT to go, so now i think i'm annoyed even though i get it.

[eddy]

Remind him he should live it up before this baby arrives. So take every vacation that is available.

I would be annoyed if I were you.

[ECB]

I think I'd be annoyed. You're only talking a few days. I think this would be a nice family outing while it's still just the 3 of you, and you're parents will probably really appreciate it.

TELL him that this is important to them AND you and you want it to be a priority to him too. Acknowledge his concerns, but TELL him that this is a BFD for your parents.

[angelaa73]

you go wed - sun and he MUST SHOW UP SAT

[Deleted]

i love when my annoyance is righteous.

i hadn't thought about him coming for less time. hmmm...

[sonrisa]

Did you tell him what you said here? That this is a BFD? That they never did anything like this when you were kids?

[Deleted]

I'd be annoyed.

What town/when are you going? We will be in Stone Harbor for the last week. I'd help you out ;-)

[janiejones]

Tell him he must come, as it's super important to your parents. If he only does 3 days to your 5, NBD, but make sure he comes and you guys plans a celebration/to-do for mum during for that time. And take lots of pictures while there so she can remember the special beach trip for her birthday.

[sparkythelawyer]

He's being wishy-washy, and it is perfectly ok to put your foot down and dictate this one as a Command Performance.  

[ProfessorArtNerd]

My husband does this shit all the time! I have to be head over heels any time his family deigns to invite us anywhere (usually huge, week encompassing gtgs with lots of expense involved) and he bitches about the smallest time investments with my family.

I might be currently annoyed with him. Ahem

I think you sound right to be annoyed. And the situation is frustrating because you have to kind of force him to be excited or impress upon him how big something is, ya know?

[DotAndBuzz]

H is the same way, and I vote that you are most definitely justified in being annoyed. Sometimes I let him bail, sometimes I tell him it is not an option for him to not go. His thing is, he doesn't want to spend potentially our only vacation time w/ my entire family, who can be supremely obnoxious, but I'm used to and he kind of just tolerates. He likes my family in small doses (both in terms of times, and number of individuals). All together for a week? not so much.

but I get the BFD about your parents planning a huge family vacation, and I get wanting him to WANT to go. But he won't. So I guess decide if you're going to strong arm him, or not. Either option is acceptable, IMO, and I've done both. I find that sometimes it really is better if H stays home, because otherwise he's shooting me "I told you so" looks and that just pisses me off.

And if it is going to have an impact on his paternity leave, maybe it would be better for him to save the time to be home w/ you after the baby arrives.

[daisybuchannan]

I'd be annoyed too, but would maybe bring up the option of less time.

What town? We're doing two weeks (most likely) and while I love the town we visit (Avalon) it makes me a little crazy that it will cost the same as say, a nice vacation to the caribbean.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Also, I'm not that far from the shore, imjustsayin

[Deleted]

Yes, he needs to go. If you have a little one outside and a little one inside, what you say goes.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 9:30:02 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Did you tell him what you said here? That this is a BFD? That they never did anything like this when you were kids?

sorta.  i told him that they're excited and it's for my mom's 65th.

he used to go on vacations with his parents and grandparents a lot when they were kids.  like, to a dude ranch, skiing.  his dad had his own business and they certainly didn't live an extravagant life, but given that by the time i knew him my parents were solidly middle/upper middle class, paid for my (in-state) college, etc., i'm not sure if he gets how different our respective childhoods were.  i mean, i had a nice life in a good neighborhood and a lovely home.  and those things were possible because we NEVER went on non-familial vacation, didn't have any magazine subscriptions, drove every car for 10-15 years, etc.  meanwhile, he went to japan when he was 11 and his sister owned horses.

[leeann]

Does he have a good relationship with your parents? I am not saying he shouldn't have to go with you, but I'm trying to understand his hesitation.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 9:33:01 GMT -5 @esquirefish said:

If his main concern is missing work/billables, can't be work for a day or two from the vacation location? I know attorneys who dos this all the time (I assume he is a lawyer since you mentioned billables). The family goes on vacation, the lawyer in the family works a few hours each morning and after dinner and spends time during the afternoon and dinner-time with the family.

we're both lawyers.  ha.

yes, i'll mention that as well as the coming for less time option.

[DotAndBuzz]

I missed the part about your mom's bday. Yeah, he needs to go for at least part of that.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 9:34:54 GMT -5 leeann said:

Does he have a good relationship with your parents? I am not saying he shouldn't have to go with you, but I'm trying to understand his hesitation.

we're lawyers.  we're supposed to bill 2000-2500 hours a year.  that's hard to do if you're not in the office.  and we decided as a last family-of-three hurrah to take a week at the beach ourselves this month.  and he'll be out a couple weeks for paternity leave (so his billables will be pro-rated), but even with the pro-ration it's still an expectation that you'll kick ass.

i have the exact same hesitation, so i get it.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 9:33:58 GMT -5 daisybuchannan said:

I'd be annoyed too, but would maybe bring up the option of less time.

What town? We're doing two weeks (most likely) and while I love the town we visit (Avalon) it makes me a little crazy that it will cost the same as say, a nice vacation to the caribbean.

I always think this when people on MM talk about cheap beach vacations. I'm like, what beaches are you going to?? lol.

In terms of whether you should be annoyed, idk. Are your parents the helpful type? I think that would influence my answer. My H can't always take the time off to come with me to visit my parents (who also live near the shore coincidentally) but it doesn't bother me because my parents are the super helpful types. Like doing my laundry/constantly telling me to go take a bath, lie down etc. if I want and they'll take the kids. If your parents aren't helpful in that way, then yeah it would suck to be massively pregnant and essentially on your own with your daughter.

[VeryViolet]

I understand why you are annoyed. Can you just lay it out for him on how important it is to you and your parents. Sometimes I need to beat DH over the head with this kind of stuff it isn't really nagging just "Hey this is really a BFD even though you don't get it." If your husbands like mine and the freak out is not entirely rational and a few days won't kill him then I think laying on a little guilt is totally fine.

[Deleted]

IDK, I never make my husband go with me to events on my side, and I am usually the one who wishes I could get out of going to his family events. You are right to be annoyed. I am just a weirdo.

[wrathofkuus]

Why would he WANT to go on vacation with his ILs?

[karmasabiotch]

Maybe he can come Fri-Sun? I would be upset, but the thought of me going on a vacation with my IL's would be horrific.

[sonrisa]

Oh, and we did the BFD vacation with my in laws last summer for a big birthday. I knew it mattered to them and I'm so glad we did.

[wrathofkuus]

To be clear, I do think he should go, but I think that expecting him to WANT to go is unreasonable.

[pantsparty]

Yes, I'd be annoyed. My H came on a family vacation with us last year where we had to fly, drive 4 hours, and take a ferry to an island to spend a week in house with no Wi-Fi or AC - in July. It is definitely outside of how we like to spend our time off, but H knew how important it was to me. So yes, he should understand what a big deal this is, put on his man panties or whatever, and go.

[pantsparty]

Also - I usually take a couple of trips home per year without my H. It's just easier since I'm with my family the whole time. But a trip like this, I'd expect him to suck it up and go.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 10:12:32 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Why would he WANT to go on vacation with his ILs?

because he loves and respects his wife and values the things that are important to her?

i'm saying i want him to click his heels over it, but i shouldn't have to expend great effort to get him to recognize and respect the things that are important to me.  i'm not all that demanding in the IL department, and have gone on vacation with MY ils because it was his mother's birthday and it was important to HIM.

[wrathofkuus]

But you didn't WANT to go, did you?