Feeling Hurt - Justified? (long)

[geppiegirl]

Tell me, am I being unreasonable? I can't stop thinking about this - and perhaps I am blowing it out of proportion.

DH and I have been married 10 years.  We have lived in the pacific northwest since 2005.

My parents and my only other sibling (a brother) all live in the midwest (always have).  My brother started dating his fiance in 2010, they just got engaged will be married in September 2013. My parents get along well with fiance, as do DH and I.  Due to geographical location (or so I thought), my parents and brother/fiance do a lot of activities together/hang out.

Historically, my mom and I don't get along too well - but we have come to a sort of understanding/course of conduct as I've gotten older.  Have an OK relationship with my dad.  Parents did not like DH when we first started dating (expressly told me he would never amount to anything and would weigh me down, refused contact with me when I moved in with him before marriage, etc.).  That seemed to turn around when we got married and my DH later joined the military/served our country etc.  Last 3-5 years things have been generally positive.

Since we moved out to the pacific northwest in 2005, my parents have routinely talked about moving close to me and DH when my Dad retires.  They talked about the lack of personal income taxes, had us drive them around and look at houses, my Dad got a professional license out here, and my Mom talked about helping out with childcare if we ever had kids (this is over the course of multiple trips).  DH and I did question whether they would be happy out here due to how different it is from the midwest, but figured they could make their own decisions without our input on that front.

Last summer, DH and I were diagnosed with pretty severe IF issues.  I was devastated, but felt out of respect for my parents and their potential plans I should let me know that grandchildren might not be in the picture for us (this was about June 2012).  It was terribly difficult for me to tell them this, but I did.

Last weekend, my parents came out to visit.  At some point my Dad made reference to DH about land he had purchased in the town my brother lives in.  My Mom interjected with "they don't know about that yet, be quiet."  That's true - we knew nothing about this.

Later that evening, my parents informed us both that they had decided not to move close to DH and I, but to stay in the MidWest. They also told us about the land they bought in the city my brother lives in. These two points didn't bother me - because they are allowed to change their minds and to buy property wherever they want to.  

However, then the details came out.  Since at least last summer, my parents have been working with a real estate agent that is a friend of my brothers in regard to property in my brother's city. My parents considered buying a condo that they backed out of at the last minute. They then contracted a builder/architect to draw up plans for a possible house. This was going on all last summer and fall. They then found the lot they wanted, and actually completed the purchase of that lot on December 28 - which is significant (to me) because we were actually in the midwest celebrating Christmas with them on that date - and no mention of any of this to us. They got the plans finalized, everything permitted, etc. and a scheduled completion in September 2013 ( coincidently the same time as brother's wedding?). Construction was going to start this past Monday. 

I basically feel really hurt, disappointed and actually betrayed, by the fact that they kept this information from DH and I for so long. And that they didn't have the balls to tell us much, much sooner.  I'm also hurt that they apparantly kept my brother and his fiance in the loop about all of this, and deliberately kept it from us.  It makes me feel just so unimportand insignificant and I can't seem to get over it or stop crying about it.  Am I being ridiculous  or overly emotional about this? I need some perspective.

[margotmacomber]

It seems like you guys just don't have the same kind of close relationship as your brother does, and maybe they didn't want to tell you because they thought (correctly) that you might be hurt.  I think you have every right to your feelings, but if you are truly saddened by the difference in relationship you will have to work to change it.  Visit more (if you have the $) email, skype, send cards...

I don't really have a very close relationship with either of my parents and that is fine, so take my words with a grain of salt.  

[softspot]

I think you are really overreacting. They don't have to tell you anything.

[karmasabiotch]

I would be hurt too. I'm sorry.

[karmasabiotch]

I wouldn't be hurt that they were making the move but that they seemingly made a point not to tell you during a time that you were assuming that they were going to move closer to you.

[Deleted]

I can understand being a bit hurt and upset. Especially given the timing.

BUT I think being unable to stop crying about it and letting that hurt drag on for too long is over reacting.

You weren't even sure they would like living in an area they didn't really know or know anyone other than you guys. They aren't punishing you for IF, it's not a "we love your brother more" - it's a lifestyle choice for them. And the midwest lifestyle suits them more.

You can be disappointed and unhappy about it for a bit longer, but then you need to focus on someting else and move forward. Because they aren't doing this to hurt you.

[ECB]

I absolutely understand being hurt and dissappointed and a little pissed that they actually withheld this information from you.

But- "betrayed" seems really harsh and the fact that you've been crying over this?  Yeah, that seems extreme.

I think there is something else that you're upset about (the overall difference in your relationship w/ your parents vs your brother, perhaps) and it's manifesting itself over this issue.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 12:42:02 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

May 1, 2013 12:37:50 GMT -5 softspot said:

I think you are really overreacting. They don't have to tell you anything.

I think this is shitty. Of course they don't HAVE to tell. I'm close with my parents and it would be really strange if my parents didn't tell me they were planning to buy property. I think she's justified in feeling hurt.

See and I don't think it's strange at all.  We didn't tell my parents or inlaws before we bought property to build.  We told them after the contracts were signed and deposits made. 

My dad has told us he plans to sell his property in 5 yeras, but that's because he's planning to give us first chance to purchase.  So he figured (rightfully) that if we were interested we'd need time to get ready.  Otherwise, I don't think he would have thought about it.

[Deleted]

I think its probably not that common for parents to move from the place they have lived all their lives and maybe have other family/friends nearby to a different side of the country. Since you don't get along with your parents that well, I'd probably look at it as a blessing.

[geppiegirl]

Thanks for the replies so far. I appreciate all of the perspectives.

Seems like I am part justified (this went down only 3 days ago so the wound is fresh), and partially not justified because I should have either expected this or it should not phase me (and perhaps my own issues are playing into that). I can see it.

The "hurt" part comes from them pursuing this whole other course of action without telling us, while keeping brother and fiance in the loop, and while at the same time continuing to indicate that they wanted to move out by DH and I. I wish I never had told them (and I never would have) about the IF issue, because I feel like I was honest with them even though it hurt me/them, and they couldn't be bothered to return the favor. I clearly do not have the relationship with them I thought I did, and after this I'm questioning the amount of effort I even want to put into it.

[softspot]

May 1, 2013 12:42:02 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

May 1, 2013 12:37:50 GMT -5 softspot said:

I think you are really overreacting. They don't have to tell you anything.

I think this is shitty. Of course they don't HAVE to tell. I'm close with my parents and it would be really strange if my parents didn't tell me they were planning to buy property. I think she's justified in feeling hurt.

:Y: As am I, but that doesn't mean I am up to date on my parents every move. Maybe it slipped their mind? She said they completed the purchase around Christmas so it's not unlikely that they had a lot going on. 

The fact that she used the words betrayed & deliberately among others while mentioning that she can not stop crying tends to lead to an overreaction IMO (which she asked for). 

[Deleted]

It's also possible that when they drove around looking at property with you they realized that what they had envisioned for retirement was NOT there. But they weren't sure how to tell you that actually, you're right - we hate the area and could never live here.

DH and I had an almost move once that ended that exact way. Visiting was one thing, him being there 3 weeks on for work was one thing, actually picking a house to live in and moving our lives there was completely different. And once we seriously looked at what was in the area we realized it just wasn't for us. So we created a new 5 year plan that actually works much better for us.

[ECB]

May 1, 2013 12:48:39 GMT -5 geppiegirl said:

The "hurt" part comes from them pursuing this whole other course of action without telling us, while keeping brother and fiance in the loop, and while at the same time continuing to indicate that they wanted to move out by DH and I.

I completely understand this aspect.  I can see how you might feel lied to.  I know I would.

I hope you can work this out for yourself.  Good luck.

[geppiegirl]

Just had a chance to review some of the other responses.

To my knowledge, FSIL is not pregnant. But then again, not sure I would be told of this based on history. Brother and FSIL do not know of our IF issues (I specifically asked parents not to tell them, but I guess its possible). I don't place any blame on brother/FSIL for any of this - they had nothing to do with it in my mind.

Brother and FSIL had full knowledge of parents potential plans in moving out here (i.e. housing areas looked at, jobs looked at, etc.).

Seems universal that I'm overreacting. I own that - as there are a lot of issues/history that go into this - but seeing the reasons typed out as to WHY I'm overreacting are helpful. My logical side should be able to overcome this.

Thanks all.

[softspot]

If they did intentionally withhold the information is it possible they did so to try to shield you since you were in the midst of IF issues?

[geppiegirl]

There's really no question in my mind that they intentionally withheld this information from us. But, truthfully, I don't believe they did so to deliberately hurt me/us.

When asked why we were the last ones to know, my Dad said because he felt guilty about having made so many representations to the contrary(about moving closer to us), my Mom said that we weren't actually the last people to know because they hadn't told my grandma yet.

[anlo]

I'm sorry to hear about your infertility issues.

I think you are taking this a bit personally. The fact that you offered the background information about your infertility issues in your post makes me think that maybe you suspect that this is why they don't want to move closer to you. I know you said that you were okay with them staying in the midwest. I can understand being a bit surprised that they didn't tell you their plans sooner, but is it possible that your hurt feelings are stemming from a suspicion that they are staying closer to your brother in the event that they have children? I could absolutely understand feeling hurt and maybe jealous if that was their motivation, and maybe that's the root of your reaction. I don't mean to sound unkind and I don't want to put words in your mouth so please correct me if I'm wrong.

[sparkythelawyer]

I think it truly sucks when our parents are not what we need/want them to be, and they let us down. I am so sorry they let you down.

[geppiegirl]

May 1, 2013 13:19:38 GMT -5 @smace said:

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but I have to believe that your true feelings are due to a lifelong history of which we are unaware and really has zip to do with property.

I definitely can't rule out this being a factor.

[themoneytree]

I think you are justified in being upset, but that you need to get over it. Being unable to stop crying is an overreaction, being hurt and annoyed is an understandable reaction.

Clearly your Dad knew that they were in the wrong to keep it from you and they handled it poorly. Did you tell them how you feel about it? What was the response?

I think telling you they were moving close to you while secretly shopping for property elsewhere (particularly close to another sibling) is definitely hurtful and your problems with conceiving probably haven't helped how you feel about this.

I am currently aggravated with my Dad for a reason many would probably consider unjustified but as pp have mentioned history plays a large part too. I'm sorry you're hurt and upset, but try and get over it. Ultimately I would tell them how hurt you are, but try not to let it damage your relationship long term.