I think my Husband is a hoarder. (update)

[ndolehan]

Last week I posted about him leaving crap all over. Like used kleenex and banana peels on our carpet. 

Last Friday I found a box that was supposed to go out with the trash on Thursday with some other stuff in it, like our old furnace filter. H said his mom was taking it on Saturday. I figured it was so she could burn it, since it was mostly cardboard stuff. This was just the tip of the ice berg. I just didn't know it yet. 

The box is still in the yard...

And I went into our garage today. I should not have gone into the garage. I knew we had a bunch of stuff in it - and it flooded recently with the mega-ton of rain we've had, so I was avoiding the garage. But I needed a gift bag. 

OH.MY.GOD. You guys, I couldn't even open the door all the way. There was a pile of wood/old boxes/mini-pool thing behind it. The mini-pool isn't any good now. $60 down the drain (it was a 4ft blow up pool thing). In front of the door was a GIANT BOX of papers/cardboard/boxes and just trash. All stuff the I had given H to take out to the trash can/put at the end of the drive to be picked up. 

Then there was his...stuff...stuff that he just threw in their when he clean out our side room to make into the nursery. He didn't even go threw anything. It's just...THERE...molding! And there are trash bags of his old clothing that he said he had donated. Just laying there...molding...

AND there are wood pallets (from the previous renter) that he said his parents took to burn. Now molding! 

I say molding because of the flooding we had. EVERYTHING is wet. I think we lost a lot of other stuff too, it still feels really damp. I had a lot of stuff in plastic totes, which is good. But I'm guessing from the cold water and humidity there might be a lot of condensation inside. *sigh*

What do I do? He's at work now, I plan on saying something when he gets home. But what? I can't be all WTF and I really don't want an argument. I just want it cleaned. 

[Deleted]

I'm leaning toward lazy. Especially with leaving trash on the carpet. I'd rent a dumpster and start throwing shit out while he meets with a therapist.

[poopedydoop]

He needs to speak to a professional. For real. It doesn't sound like regular laziness because of the lies and holding on to trash.

[Deleted]

Yep, I agree that he needs professional help. This is based on countless horrifying hours of watching Hoarders. Nip this shit in the bud.

[speckledfrog]

I'd be tempted to call one of those junk places and throw it all out, but if he is actually suffering from some sort of hoarding issue it might not be good (mentally) to get rid of it all. If he can't part with it on his own I would really press towards seeing a therapist.

[lilybug]

I would make it clear that his next job around the house is to clear that garage out, stat. He has apparently lied about multiple things re: his shit. Hopefully you confronting him about it and being upset about his lies will be enough to get him moving.

He's an adult, you shouldn't have to check up on him to make sure he's doing the things he says. But it sounds like you may need to supervise a little, unfortunately.

[litebright]

Yup, I'd rent a dumpster, tell him the date and that the project is cleaning the garage. Mold is seriously unhealthy to be around, especially for a young child.

I know you said you don't want a fight, but damn, this is worth a fight IMO. Or something. Possibly a therapist. Something's going on with him. Not just forgetting or being lazy, but outright lying that he'd donated the clothes? Something's not right.

[ndolehan]

He's always been messy, and I've know that for awhile. When he was in college I would clean his apartment for him, it was disgusting. His mom would clean everything for him before. So he really doesn't know how to clean. He's getting better.

When I would clean his apartment he would FREAK if I touched his 'papers'. Which would consist of his homework, receipts, mail, and random crap. So kinda understandable.

I really don't want to make excuses for him, I think I've let things slide because I've just been like "Oh, he said his parents would take it and burn it so "meh". I feel like it's my fault because I feel like I "made him" clean up his things for the baby - blah blah blah - but at the same time I know it's not because he chose to do things the way he did.

I know what I bring this up he's just going to sit there and not say anything. This needs to be a conversation. Not me nagging him. He needs to take responsibility.

No idea when we'll have time to do this cleaning though, because we're rarely both home at the same time and one of us needs to be with the baby while the other is in the garage cleaning. I don't want her in the garage with the damp/mold etc.

ETA: The mold is a serious issue. A) we rent so I don't want a fee because we f-ed up B) I have asthmatic tendencies so I'll die (ok, exaggeration but I can only do so much before I wheeze) and C) Baby - garage isn't attached to the house luckily so should effect her too much.

[dizzydee]

Don't you dare clean it up. He has to go through the mental process of getting rid of it all. He has to clean it! Make him do it.

[ndolehan]

May 1, 2013 21:45:17 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Call a dumpster place and rent it for a week, and get out there and get that shit out of there. Do not enable his hoarding by doing nothing; that's how the two of you will turn into those people on Hoarders.

Banana peels on the floor? you cannot mean that he does not know this is not right.

Oh yeah. He hasn't done it since. I was not please. Especially since I have an intense hatred for bananas. The smell makes me want to puke. He's lucky I let him buy bananas. 

I might have told him if I found another peel he would never be allowed to buy them again. 

[Gato]

I think this is worth a confrontation. I wouldn't expect the issue to be solved overnight. Since he's been lying about what he's been doing with the junk, it sounds like he's seriously invested in keeping it. WHY, is what you and he need to figure out.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[cleo29]

It sounds like you are still making excuses for him. Order a dumpster or one of those dumpster bags you can leave to be picked up, find a weekend when someone can stay with the baby in the house and tackle the shit in the garage. Mold is not a joking matter and that shit needs to be thrown out.

THEN, tell him he needs to get help. I would not pussyfoot around this topic, not with a child now in the house.

[poopedydoop]

Sounds like soon you will be starring in your own episode of Hoarders. I think you are enabling him by being all meh and making excuses about it. That shit is going to get out of hand.

[ndolehan]

May 1, 2013 21:46:25 GMT -5 peachy said:

Eek. How long has it been since you've been in the garage? Just wondering how long this has been going on.

Ummm...November ish? 


There were a few things in there at the time, one small area of stuff (wood from the previous renter, aforementioned pool). I was in and out really quick just to get some Christmas stuff. And I was super pregnant so I didn't stay long and wasn't about to argue etc. 

I just haven't had a reason to go out to the garage. He checked to water when we had flooding. He usually goes to get stuff from the garage when we need it, some stuff that's in there is both of ours and there because we don't have anywhere to put it. That stuff is in there neatly and he put it in there and know where stuff is so I send him when I need something. 

[ndolehan]

May 1, 2013 21:49:49 GMT -5 poopedydoop said:

Sounds like soon you will be starring in your own episode of Hoarders. I think you are enabling him by being all meh and making excuses about it. That shit is going to get out of hand.

Hmmmm...does hoarders pay you for being in the episode?  

I kid, I kid!  

I'm trying not to be meh - I promise! I will try hard not to be! I just don't want to be a controlling bitch...

Oh. He's home. 

Just pulled in....

Wish me luck. 

[cleo29]

May 1, 2013 21:52:31 GMT -5 ndolehan said:

May 1, 2013 21:49:49 GMT -5 poopedydoop said:

Sounds like soon you will be starring in your own episode of Hoarders. I think you are enabling him by being all meh and making excuses about it. That shit is going to get out of hand.

Hmmmm...does hoarders pay you for being in the episode?  

I kid, I kid!  

I'm trying not to be meh - I promise! I will try hard not to be! I just don't want to be a controlling bitch...

Oh. He's home. 

Just pulled in....

Wish me luck. 

This is driving me nuts. Keeping and saving trash is not normal and so telling someone they need to get rid of it should never be seen as nagging or controlling. And since he is not living there alone you have every right to be firm on this.

good luck.

[poopedydoop]

Good luck! I've watched too many episodes of that show. The hoarder always starts out as messy and it only takes one life tragedy and Boom you are crawling over stuff in your house.

[lime]

I hope we get an update.....

[speckledfrog]

You do not sound nearly angry/concerned enough. Perhaps you've been exposed to this bizarre behavior so long you have forgotten it is not even close to normal.

[Deleted]

You guys, it sounds like the detached garage is more like a storage unit than a working garage like the rest of us probably have. Still, this is a problem, but I can believe she hasn't been in it in a long time based on that description.

Help for him, a dumpster, and anupdate. Please and thank you.

[5thofjuly]

May 1, 2013 21:43:12 GMT -5 ndolehan said:

He's always been messy, and I've know that for awhile. When he was in college I would clean his apartment for him, it was disgusting. His mom would clean everything for him before. So he really doesn't know how to clean. He's getting better.

You know this is ridiculous, right? I cannot think of a single normal adult that doesn't realize the connection between "see garbage" and "put in garbage can" or "see dust" and "use rag to wipe away dust" or "see messy carpet" and "turn on vacuum and push over carpet." It's not like there's some special magical formula to learn.

[ndolehan]

May 1, 2013 22:27:08 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

You do not sound nearly angry/concerned enough. Perhaps you've been exposed to this bizarre behavior so long you have forgotten it is not even close to normal.

I think I've mostly just turned a blind eye and kinda hoped it would disappear. I tend to avoid confrontation in general, especially if there are other more "important" things I need to discuss with H like bills etc. 

That and I don't see the mess daily. The garage isn't attached to the house, so I'm never in the garage. I don't see it, therefore I forget the mess is there. For example. I know there are dishes that need to be washed. But, I can't see them right now because I'm in the other room so I'm not bothered by them. However, I can see the laundry I have to fold next to me and it's driving me nuts because it's not done yet.





UPDATE Portion:


So. He's not mad at me just "annoyed". Especially since I implied that he was a hoarder. I just simply explained that I just wanted to make sure it wasn't an issue or a problem and I didn't want this to because something much larger etc. etc. There was a lot of eye rolling on his part. He kept saying he "forgot" to tell his mom to take things with her (I gave him the WTF side eye).



Long story short - we have a day (May 11th) that he's already taken off work. I can't take the day off work, but I will be at home part of the day. He will ask his mom/dad to come over to help. MIL will be with baby, or I will, and MIL or I can 'direct' the cleaning.  Where to put stuff, what to throw out etc. One thing I love about MIL is we have similar cleaning/organization. So I have no problem with her helping. FIL can help carry anything heavy or awkward. MIL/FIL will bring their truck and all trash will go with them to burn or dispose.


Some stuff did get taken to the trash tonight (trash day is tomorrow). I can see it from the window. He said part of the reason there was trash in there is if the can is full he doesn't want to 'over flow' the can. He thinks we'll get a fine if we set stuff out next to the trash can (insert side eye). We don't pay for the trash service, Landlords do. And the fine would only be like $20. I told him we'll deal with that when/if it happens. I doubt we'll be fined if we over fill our trash can once a month or every other month.

Anyway - it sounds like there's some kind of progress. And a lot might be mostly lazy. He did admit he has a hard time throwing out/donating his personal things. I really think it's overwhelming for him and me or MIL helping him sort stuff will be good.  At least we have a time frame of when things will be done. I hope. 

ETA: I think this plan gives him a chance to go threw his stuff so he doesn't feel like I am pawing around and getting rid of things just to clean. 

ETA (again): Have to go to bed, kids. I work in 6 hours! Boooo... I will check back in tomorrow. 

[ndolehan]

May 1, 2013 22:42:34 GMT -5 @lovespugs said:

You guys, it sounds like the detached garage is more like a storage unit than a working garage like the rest of us probably have. Still, this is a problem, but I can believe she hasn't been in it in a long time based on that description.

Help for him, a dumpster, and anupdate. Please and thank you.

Yes. Storage, not used for our vehicles. Although I would like it to be, another reason why I want it cleaned. 

I know storage units don't need to be squeaky clean, but organized would be nice.

And I updated.

[melindafelinda]

My H doesn't lie about it and he's not a hoarder but he is lazy as fuck when it comes to getting rid of shit like old cardboard boxes. Our garage is pretty much always a mess. It's pretty much the only thing about him that makes me want to murder him.

[ndolehan]

May 1, 2013 22:47:32 GMT -5 melindafelinda said:

My H doesn't lie about it and he's not a hoarder but he is lazy as fuck when it comes to getting rid of shit like old cardboard boxes. Our garage is pretty much always a mess. It's pretty much the only thing about him that makes me want to murder him.

Yup -same here. This and how his hand is ALWAYS in his pants. 

Murder isn't an option for me, we have too many cops driving by who would notice something is up.