Mom drama.. (this is long)

[Deleted]

I am in the middle of a monster fight with my mom and I need to get some perspective on this. @cse1960, please come in here and kick my butt (although I really do not think I am in the wrong here).

The short of it, my mom came out here and watched my son over spring break. *Recall the my mom ate her butt off I'm worried about her post* Well, I found out last week that while she was on a playdate with (let's call her J) at her home she said some things to J (my new friend) that made her cry!! I didn't know anything about it at all until last week when we went over to a friends house for dinner and J and her family came too. J was stand offish with me and after a few glasses of wine finally told me about what happened with my mom. I was horrified and apologized profusely. J told me that she had considered not being friends with me due to my mom's behavior but wanted to talk to me first.

I sat on this for awhile and had lunch today with a co-worker that is older (mom's age) and ran the whole thing by her (She has met my mom). She told me that she agreed that my mom's behavior was unacceptable and that I needed to tell her that she made someone cry. I sent my mom an email that wasn't mean, just was basically like, these are the facts, this happened, blah, blah, blah. I didn't blame her in my email, I didn't accuse or call her names, nothing. Well her response was soo beyond childish I can't even fathom it.

She basically did the following in her response:
-Called J pretentious
-Told me she didn't like her son
-Told me that she didn't feel "respected" while she was at her house
-That if these are the 'friendships' I value then she is not moving out here (thank god, if she causes this much drama with my friends on one spring break, she doesn't need to move out here)
-That she is going to find someone else to be her power of attorney
-That I don't respect her as an adult and that I made her feel like a country bumpkin.

I responded to her and told her that her response was childish (in a nice way) and that it was uncalled for. She responded and called me a Jerk. UGH!

I am soo over her and her drama. Seriously, I need a drink!!

If you guys want to see her email response I will post it. It's almost laughable.

I have no idea how to have a relationship with this woman if I can't even have adult conversations with her. I also chose to do this over email as all she would have done was yelled at me and then hung up on me.

[shopgirl07]

I guess I don't see the point of addressing this with your mom. Yes, she acted like an ass but it's not your place to discipline her. I would have just understand that this is how she behaves and proceeded accordingly.

[elleblue]

May 2, 2013 16:24:39 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

I guess I don't see the point of addressing this with your mom. Yes, she acted like an ass but it's not your place to discipline her. I would have just understand that this is how she behaves and proceeded accordingly.

I agree with shopgirl here. And hey, it's sort of a blessing in disguise if this break helped you both determine that her moving would be a bad idea.

[shostakovich]

Has your mom always been this way? Or is this a shift in personality for her since your stepdad passed? If it's the latter, I'd say she sounds pretty depressed and might be lashing out in response. Did you notice an overall behavioral change in your mom when she visited?

Also, I am most definitely not taking your mom's side here, but I'm kind of WTF about your friend saying she didn't want to be friends with you after what your MOM said. That's kind of immature of her - although I guess it's good that she decided to talk to you about it first.

[copperboom]

What did she say that made your friend cry?

[ginger]

You're mom is not reasonable and will probably never act as such.

I'd just cancel any future visits.

[Deleted]

It's kind of hard to say without knowing what happened between your mom and friend.

It probably would have been better to have called her and said "hey J's upset about the playdate you were at, what happened?" and got her side of the story before telling her she made J cry. I'm also unsure of what you wanted from her? An apology?

Email is never a good way to have important conversations.

[sailorgray]

It's hard to comment without knowing what she said to your friend.

I probably would have asked her about it the next time I spoke with her on the phone. I would have told her that so-and-so was pretty upset about a few of the things she said. I would have wanted her side of the story and not just believed what my friend said since there are always two sides and that some people take things differently than others.

[sparkythelawyer]

Get on the phone and talk to your Mom like a grown up.  This is not a discussion for e-mail.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:37:05 GMT -5 sailorgray said:

It's hard to comment without knowing what she said to your friend.

I probably would have asked her about it the next time I spoke with her on the phone. I would have told her that so-and-so was pretty upset about a few of the things she said. I would have wanted her side of the story and not just believed what my friend said since there are always two sides and that some people take things differently than others.

I never said I believe my friends side of it, only that what my mom said (whatever it was) made her cry. I still don't know what was said either.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:39:28 GMT -5 tarzanswife said:

May 2, 2013 16:37:05 GMT -5 sailorgray said:

It's hard to comment without knowing what she said to your friend.

I probably would have asked her about it the next time I spoke with her on the phone. I would have told her that so-and-so was pretty upset about a few of the things she said. I would have wanted her side of the story and not just believed what my friend said since there are always two sides and that some people take things differently than others.

I never said I believe my friends side of it, only that what my mom said (whatever it was) made her cry. I still don't know what was said either.

How do you know it was unacceptable if you don't know what was said?

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:38:28 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Get on the phone and talk to your Mom like a grown up.  This is not a discussion for e-mail.

I tried this on other issues and she just starts yelling and hangs up on me. We have actually agreed that email sometimes is the best communication for us as she is soo quick to anger that she just hangs up the phone if she doesn't like what you have to say. (she does this with everyone in my family)

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:41:15 GMT -5 @mrsmarlowe said:

May 2, 2013 16:39:28 GMT -5 tarzanswife said:

I never said I believe my friends side of it, only that what my mom said (whatever it was) made her cry. I still don't know what was said either.

How do you know it was unacceptable if you don't know what was said?

I don't think she should make someone cry who she has never met before and has no history with.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:42:08 GMT -5 tarzanswife said:

May 2, 2013 16:41:15 GMT -5 @mrsmarlowe said:

How do you know it was unacceptable if you don't know what was said?

I don't think she should make someone cry who she has never met before and has no history with.

Agreed if your mom like poked her in the eye or something. Could friend J have overreacted?

[wannabe]

I suppose it doesn't really matter what was said if it was bad enough to upset your friend that much, though, right?

[Deleted]

I think I would call rather than email - there is so much that is lost over text speak.

I would just ask your mother exactly what went down and proceed from there.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:44:01 GMT -5 wannabe said:

I suppose it doesn't really matter what was said if it was bad enough to upset your friend that much, though, right?

Yep. This is why I said something to my mom in the first place. I can't even fathom what she said!

[Deleted]

I now feel like I'm missing a really long backstory that would make a difference.

Since I don't have it though, my initial reaction is if friend hasn't told you what was said I wouldn't have commented to mom about it at all given her past history of not dealing with unpleasant comments anyway. THis was never going to end well.

I'd probably tell her I was sorry her feelings are hurt, I'll give her some space for awhile and not set up play dates in the future if she's coming to visit.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:44:01 GMT -5 wannabe said:

I suppose it doesn't really matter what was said if it was bad enough to upset your friend that much, though, right?

But a friend who was willing to drop me and never speak to me again because of something my mom said when I wasn't there could be considered overly sensitive.  I'm not sure I'd just assume it was horrid unless of course my mom has a history of saying horrid things.

[papie]

1. I wouldn't have called my mom on it without knowing exactly what was said. I think it is dickish of your friend to mention this without saying exactly what it was.

Example: "Are you pregnant? Your bump is so cute". Friend cries because she is not. Mom is a dick, but not enough to be called on it.
"I feel sorry for this poor child that has you as a mother". Friend cries and mom needs to be talked to adn asked wtf is wrong with her.

2. Why was your mom on a playdate with your friend in the first place? I would never trust my mom alone with a friend, as it would probably end up with way too much information thrown my friend's way and also my mom can be bossy and an ass sometimes.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 16:58:40 GMT -5 papie said:

1. I wouldn't have called my mom on it without knowing exactly what was said. I think it is dickish of your friend to mention this without saying exactly what it was.

Example: "Are you pregnant? Your bump is so cute". Friend cries because she is not. Mom is a dick, but not enough to be called on it.
"I feel sorry for this poor child that has you as a mother". Friend cries and mom needs to be talked to adn asked wtf is wrong with her.

2. Why was your mom on a playdate with your friend in the first place? I would never trust my mom alone with a friend, as it would probably end up with way too much information thrown my friend's way and also my mom can be bossy and an ass sometimes.

My mom was watching my son on his spring break as I had to work so she took him so he could play with his friend. I've learned my lesson on this one, for sure!!

My mom has now (in the last string of emails) said that she told me what she said. I have no idea what she is talking about and I doubt she has told me. I will see my friend next weekend and lots of wine will be involved, maybe she will tell me then. It was hard to talk as the kids were all over us and we had to speak in code so my son didn't pick up that we were talking about his grandma, etc..

[tulip]

I kind of understand your side on this as I will never know all the crazy word vomit my MIL has spewed to friends and family. My MIL has made my friend cry (racist comment) and offended most of my family.

MIL is cut off from me and my child and will never be invited into my home or around those I love again. Your mother has issues and she obviously doesn't have your trust. Stop trying.

[snickers]

May 2, 2013 17:40:14 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

So your friend told you that your mom made her cry. But your friend didn't tell you what was said and you didn't ask?

This is weird.

And childish. I can't believe your friend considered not being your friend anymore because of this. I would think she would just say "listen, don't send your mom over here anymore, she made some rude comments" or something. I would do just that, not set my mom and friends up to socialize anymore. You have the right to be upset with your mom, but you will probably have to let it go because you can't discipline her.

[saraandmichael]

dude. you emailed your mom instead of calling and talking to her. that started all of this on a very childish foot.

[pantsparty]

I don't think I would have emailed (or called) my mom without knowing what was said, AND I would have major side-eyed any friend that said my mom made her cry and considered not being my friend anymore because of it. AND didn't tell me what was said, either!

I would just try to back out of it all at this point.

[livinitup]

I think your friend was way out of line to get emotional about your mother's play date. She's really putting you in an awkward position.

Your mom is being a defensive dick. You deserve better.