I'm feeling overwhelmed :o/

[verycontrary247]

S has been saying he wants me to take him back and that he loves me yadda yadda and as much as I would love to not have to go through the drama of getting a divorce I can't bring myself to believe anything he says (because really, how can you tell when a chronic liar is telling the truth?). When I went to the counselor, she suggested that I make a list of things that would have to happen in order for us to possibly work out. I wrote him a letter, highlighting 3 very reasonable things I needed him to do in order for me to even consider the thought of reconciliation (1. when he gets off the ship restriction next week, do not come back to the house until we've gone to at least 5 counseling sessions together 2. continue personal counseling 3. no harassing me via text message).

He agreed to my terms. I was like, "yeah! this could work!" and then today he fucked it up already. He randomly texted me saying that "someone from admin on the ship" said he wasn't going to get the military housing stipend if he wasn't living at our house (likely in an attempt to get me to be like oh okay you can come back and stay here!), buuut I did not believe that for one second. I told him as much and asked if I needed to call the CMC to get things cleared up and he freaked out, saying I was trying to fuck him over, that bypassing the admin people and contacting CMC would get him in trouble and that he would take care of it. Miraculously it got worked out in 5 minutes after I threatened to call the ship. I said something along the lines of "that's convenient" and he said "it's convenient you don't want me to come home, you bringing men over? Are you selling all my stuff?" 

I just feel so dejected. Even though I've been covering my bases and actively pursuing a divorce, I guess I've secretly been hoping that this would kick his ass into gear to get his act together and that we could work things out after all. He can't even keep his word about not harassing me via text for 24 hours! It's almost at the 2 month separation mark and my anxiety is through the roof about what the heck is going to happen whenever he isn't confined to the ship and doesn't have a legal order not to come here or talk to me.

[Deleted]

I know things are tough, but I really think you need to get the idea of reconciling out of your mind. He seems really unstable. Please take care of yourself. ((hugs))

[cheeseandcrackers]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.. The anxiety must be horrible for you.
He sounds hopeless.

[joshlyman]

((Hugs))

It is completely normal to want you old life back, but he is unstable. Stay strong and on the path you are on. I am going through the process too, and it ducking sucks sometimes, but it is sucking less and less every day. You will get though it.

[Deleted]

You know you deserve better. You know taking him back is a horrible idea. If you wanted us to assure you of this, consider yourself assured. You're a smarter lady than that.

[Deleted]

((hugs))

I can understand your letter and giving it one last shot, but in all honesty this guy is shit. You seem like a really great gal and you deserve much better than this scum. Just continue your therapy and divorce, you'll find someone much better.

[goaskalice]

No, no, no. If you want to have a normal relationship - this is what you need to be working out in therapy - it's not going to be with this man. If you're willing to live in this constant state of instability and anxiety then by all means get back with him. It's time to stand up for yourself and move on.

[pantsparty]

Do you want this kind of drama in your life?

You need to get out.

[speckledfrog]

You want this to work because you want to be with who he used to be or who you wish he could be. But he's who he is right now.

[Bonita]

Gross :-P He says things like my ex-h used to say. I personally kind of think you need to move on, you really don't need someone in your life who accuses you of cheating on him just because you've asked him to try a separation.

It sounds to me that he is basically thinking the issues couldn't possibly have anything to do with him, and it's all you...I agree with pp, I would not attempt to reconcile. Your life will be much less stressful and drama-free without him. {{{hugs}}}

[snickers]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[BunnyMacDougal]

Run away.  Just run away and hire a lawyer and draw up terms and never look back.

[verycontrary247]

I am going to approach the subject of possibly moving back in with my parents again. I'm hoping if I give them more details about what's been going on this past few weeks they might be willing to let me (and the cats) move in at least temporarily once my brother, his wife and their kid move out in July.

Other than that I don't really have any moving out options. I feel like its so easy for people to say "zomg move out/cut all ties now!" but seriously- I would have done so a long time ago if I could afford to. It's just not financially feasible.

[daisybuchannan]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. 

BUT- of course he will say yes to all of your terms and conditions. You'll know the truth once he starts fucking up again, which it seems he has. 

[cheeseandcrackers]

do you have a full time job VC?

[gozf]

Oh boy.

VC, the psychological and emotional toll of staying with this man is far higher and more potentially damaging than whatever financial and logistical discomfort that goes along with leaving. He's a manipulator, and you don't deserve the shit he's serving. Stay strong and get out of there.

[verycontrary247]

May 4, 2013 9:55:51 GMT -5 cheeseandcrackers said:

do you have a full time job VC?

No. Full time student, part-time job and I watch my nephew 2.5 days a week.

[gozf]

May 4, 2013 10:05:38 GMT -5 verycontrary247 said:

May 4, 2013 9:55:51 GMT -5 cheeseandcrackers said:

do you have a full time job VC?

No. Full time student, part-time job and I watch my nephew 2.5 days a week.

Are you willing to make some adjustments to this in order to improve your loving situation?

[cheeseandcrackers]

Also, do you get paid to watch your nephew?
If not, then maybe it's time for your sister or find a new sitter or pay you.

[dizzydee]

Do you get paid for watching your nephew?

[verycontrary247]

Yes, I get paid to watch him. It effectively doubles the amount I make per month.

I might be able to find some kind of entry level FT job but since I put school off for such a long time I am hesitant to stop now that Im doing so well.

[Bonita]

I know it's difficult VC I have been there, and I stayed much much longer than I should have because I didn't think I really could afford much on my own, and I didn't have any family I could rely on. In retrospect, I honestly believe I should have tried harder to find somewhere to go - I try not to think about it too much, but when I do I kick myself for not getting out sooner.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

[Deleted]

Can you offer to move in with your parents or sister, but keep the cats confined to just one room? It's not ideal, but the cats will adjust and you can start saving to live on your own.

[EmilieMadison]

You gave him the terms and he broke them after ONE DAY.
You deserve honesty in your life, so at least be honest with yourself. Stop looking for ways to let this jerk continue to rule and ruin your life. 

Either you want to start fresh and build a better life, or you want to continue to be lied to, used, and manipulated. If you want a new life, then end things and stop giving him options and control. But, if you choose to stay with this guy, then you're going to have to shut up about the shitstorm of drama that comes with him. 

[iamgrace]

Haven't read everything, but this dude sounds so, so unstable. I really think you need to be totally cut off from each other for a long time before you consider anything like getting back together. And personally, I think divorce is a clear solution to your problems with him.

[sparkythelawyer]

Very, what are you going to school for, when are your classes and when do you finish?

You need a real plan here, not a bandaid. Staying with your parents really isn't a solution here. How much is a studio Apr in your area?

[vallarta]

Could you do something at night like bartender? Waitress? You can make decent money, enough to maybe live off of while you finish school.

[joshlyman]

May 4, 2013 9:58:53 GMT -5 gozf said:

Oh boy.

VC, the psychological and emotional toll of staying with this man is far higher and more potentially damaging than whatever financial and logistical discomfort that goes along with leaving. He's a manipulator, and you don't deserve the shit he's serving. Stay strong and get out of there.

And this. It's always easier said than done, but you can do it. You can do school and work fulltime. It sucks- but I did it and so can you. You have to believe in yourself.

[verycontrary247]

May 4, 2013 10:48:55 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Very, what are you going to school for, when are your classes and when do you finish?

You need a real plan here, not a bandaid. Staying with your parents really isn't a solution here. How much is a studio Apr in your area?

AAS in IT/web design. If I continue full time I should finish next fall. This semester I had classes Monday and Wednesday until 4. There is also a certificate program that would take considerably less time for the same thing- just without all the extra classes that have nothing to do with the major. I should also hopefully be getting my A+ certification in July.

The cheapest apartment in my target area is $750+utilities. There are some that are slightly less outside my target area, but they are so far away from work and school that all the driving (in my less than reliable vehicle) would negate the savings. Also, most apartment complexes will allow 2 pets, max.

[vallarta]

Typically in a military town there's a lot of people looking for roommates. You might find somebody to let you bring your pets.