Cultural misunderstanding= DD came to date night

[anna7602]

I am still replaying Friday in my head to figure out what went wrong. We went to a birthday party at 4:30. It was for one of DH's co-workers' children. Co-worker was there for the cake cutting, but then went back to the office. Co-worker's wife said to me, "wanna stay and go out for dinner after the party?" Sure!

Party ended at 6. The kids keep playing. I'm hanging out, thinking we're probably waiting for restaurants to open for dinner service (usually happens at 7 here). 7pm rolls around, nothing. Co-workers' kids start getting in the bath. Co-workers' kids come out of bath wearing pajamas. Ummm... I start to sense something is wrong. DD is about to eat her own shoes. But still I sit patiently, until I see dinner is being prepared for the kids. So I ask what's up.

"Oh, the kids are staying home with the nanny. We're just waiting for DH and co-worker to finish up at the office so we can go eat." She adds, "should we give your DD dinner, too, or can she wait until we get to the restaurant?" (Thus indicating she's NOT offering her nanny up to watch all the kids while the adults go out.)

I suppressed my immediate urge to cry and asked for an extra plate for DD to eat immediately. DD practically ate the physical plate as well. (She also made the terrible faux pas of asking for a piece of cheese DURING the meal, as I allow her to eat in our own home, when we all know the French quite strictly consider cheese dessert food.)

We didn't leave the apartment until 8:30pm, by which point DD was ready to go home. DH and co-worker didn't show up at the restaurant until way later, food wasn't served until almost 10 and we didn't get home until almost midnight.

DD was a trooper and behaved okay, but did require a lot of engagement and energy on my part that I would have rather invested in an adults' only evening out. I was barely able to focus on any of the conversation and just generally felt distracted (by DD and by my wandering thoughts to figure out how the situation occurred) most of the evening, in a way I don't usually have to feel if it's just me and DH out with her.

Overall, it sucked and I'm not sure if I completely misinterpreted the dinner invitation, if I should have spoken up and clarified at the beginning, if bringing your kid along on a date with people you don't know very well is okay or if it's one of those random eccentricities people will forgive you for because you're "American."

[Deleted]

Yes, I'd have clarified much earlier... but I'm a details person. I would have wanted to know where we were going for dinner to ensure I was dressed appropriately too (though I am sure you were).

[bugabean]

That is weird. I would have either ended up in the same situation, or I'd have declined in the first place, because I don't really like going out to dinner with the kids anyway. But I wouldn't have thought to ask anything, especially with her having kids too and knowing how that is.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't have behaved any differently and would have spent the night frustrated just like you.
It was wrong of her to invite you without explaining how things were going to go. Furthermore, it was immensely rude not to feed your daughter when 1) it was dinner time for the children 2) she came to celebrate her kids and 3) she was physically there so why the hell did she not include her in the cozy plans?
Take it as an experience.

[clickerish]

how incredibly bizarre. might not be cultural. might be her!

[Lucille Bluth]

The whole situation sounds extremely odd. I would have been inclined to ask if about paying the nanny to keep your daughter if it was so awkward or suggest rescheduling for another evening when you had someone to watch her. That way she understood your hesitation to bring her along, especially if she wasn't bringing her own children.

[VillainV]

How odd of her to leave her kids at home with the nanny, but expect you to bring your kid to dinner.

I don't know about France, but I know in Italy people take their kids out to dinner VERY late. Maybe she thought you might feel uncomfortable leaving your daughter with her nanny (someone you don't know)?

But yeah, I don't think I would have done anything different from you, and I would have ended up in the EXACT same situation.....I guess you can just chalk it up as a learning experience?

[doctoranda]

Wow how odd. Sorry this happened. I think it may be just her though...

[ktkl09]

I think it's just her. This is strange. She should have mentioned before that it would be very late, after the kids went to bed and had dinner that you were going out.

[ktkl09]

And I might have asked if your DD could have stayed with the nanny and other kids for some extra money. If the kids were just going to sleep it probably wouldn't have been a big deal for the nanny (spoken as current and previous nanny).

[cricketwife]

Omgosh. I'm so sorry. I probably would have handled it as you did - except that I might have actually cried! I think it's totally weird and hopefully it's just her.