I'm not going to bother using an AE for this but discreteness is appreciated. Thanks all.
My husband has been showing signs of depression and generalized anxiety off and on our entire relationship. He used to battle it seasonally, but in the last year it's been pretty constant. He's disinterested in his usual activities (though not all of them), he is frustrated very easily, get angry (he never ever hits me or anything, he just fumes), seems disconnected and emotionless often. He's less interested in sex than ever before - used to be 3-4x/week to once, maybe.
While I don't believe this is severe clinical depression particularly, it is very disconcerting to me. I have talked to him about finding help, someone to talk to but ultimately he needs to make the decision and he's the one that needs to be ready to do so. But I'm a fixer, and it's hard for me to not 'fix' this for him.
I am generally a happy person. I get sad, or frustrated, but these are just emotions and they go away. My husband doesn't seem to experience much in the way of joy anymore, he goes through the motions of life. Since I can't fix it for him, I'm feeling very lost. As a result of not being able to do anything here, I'm emotionally distancing myself. It's not really on purpose, more of a self-protection mechanism. I'm finding enjoyment in activities without his involvement. Like cycling and hanging with some newer friends (mostly work) and the rest of my training.
I don't know if there's something else I can do for him, or for myself? Or nothing? It's not fair for me to put this on him, the one time I broke down over the stress of this on me he freaked out.
What can/should I do? Has anyone else experienced this? Thanks in advance.
Post by hokiegirl82 on May 10, 2013 16:41:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry your experiencing this. I don't have experience with my H and this issue, but he has been on the other side when I've dealt with depression and anxiety issues in the first few years we were dating. I was seeing a counselor and taking some meds, but I did have a lot of trouble dealing with my issues and for the better part of a year I didn't do anything expect go to work, otherwise I didn't really leave the house much. We were only dating at the time, but H dealt with it the best way he could - gave me room when I needed alone time, talked to me when he sensed I needed to talk, and spent time with me, just watching movies or tv.
You are right that you can recommend to your H that he go see someone, but ultimately only he can make that decision and bringing it up too often would probably just aggravate him. I understand wanting to distance yourself from him and do activities without him, but can you try asking him along to some of your activities, or doing some things just with him to make him get out of the house and maybe find some joy - hiking, biking, going to a movie, etc. Do you know what might be the root of his depression/anxiety - work or other?
I hope you are able to figure things out with him and that he starts to feel better soon, and hopefully seeks help. I have never been in counseling long-term, but I have found it helps greatly when I am going through periods of anxiety or depression to talk to someone even for just a few months every other week - to get a different take on how to deal with things. good luck.
Thanks Hokie! His anxiety is 100% work related - he was promoted last year and he's a perfectionist, so now that he's responsible for 12 people's work, and they don't necessarily do things 'his way' or 'perfectly' he constantly feels like he's failing.
I'm hoping he'll decide to get some support, even just for coping mechanisms. His stress management skills are piss poor. Sigh.
Post by midnightrae on May 22, 2013 13:58:32 GMT -5
My experience is the other way around. I've dealt with depression and anxiety. I also tend to get stressed when I feel like things aren't being done right or in a timely manner and feel like it reflects on me. You are right to suggest that he sees someone like a therapist. The therapist can decide if he/she thinks medication would be the right way to go for your H. You can't force him to got though. He needs to make the decision to get help. Depression and anxiety are not easy to deal with. If he does decide to go, maybe you can go with him and you two can talk with the therapist about how you can help him. I'm sorry you are going through this. If you ever need to talk to someone, we are here for you. I hope that he gets the help he needs. Also, it might help for you to talk to someone as well. Good luck. We are here for you.
Post by sparrow823 on May 24, 2013 13:36:21 GMT -5
I am also coming from the other side of this situation as well. I was going through a stressful point in my life and career and did all of the things you are describing above. She was not able to make me feel better (which I know is a source of stress for her). Even worse, since I was only going through the motions, I wasn't able to be there for her when she needed support too. Since all of "my" activities were actually "our" activities, she has to search out new support and groups to spend time with when I started checking out. This spurned a lot of resentment and frustration which you say you are experiencing too.
She was eventually able to find the support she needed elsewhere and I just learned about the affair recently. I just wanted to tell you that you should absolutely put the effort into convincing him to see a therapist. It is important not just for him but for you as well. I also want to tell you that it likely will not be a pleasant process, he will likely feel like he is being blamed or failing.
Post by vanillahip on May 30, 2013 13:03:39 GMT -5
I have the unique experience of having been on BOTH sides of this! I have an anxiety disorder and depression (HAVE not had, it's generally controlled with medication but I'm sure I'm a lifer) and H is bipolar.
Mind you neither of our conditions are ever going away, that definitely tints my reply.
H and I knew he was bipolar for years before he was ready to be medicated. If he had not been ready for it and started/stopped randomly or on his own it can be hugely dangerous with most meds for bipolar. (Plus it doesn't matter how much you see a therapist, you're never going to talk away the chemical imbalance that creates bipolar)
It was reallllllly hard to be with him for a couple of years. Really freaking hard. But there was absolutely nothing I could do to make him feel better, so I went on with my life in regards to activities and just hung in there for him. But no one is perfect and he dealt with a year of my major anxiety issues and... He's just worth it. We're worth it. I will not lie and tell you I never thought about just running away and swearing off men with mental disorders but how fair is that?! I'm totally neurotic! Lol!
Anyway, IMO the only thing you can do is stay with him. He'll get help when he's ready (or he won't) but it's not your responsibility or role to be the one to heal him, you are strictly support. Staying is supporting! It took a lot of soul searching for me to come to the conclusion that yes, I COULD live with his disorder if he never got help. It makes our lives an effing roller coaster sometimes but again, we're worth it to me. I think you should do mega soul searching here- can you deal with him like this forever? Can you step back and deal with your hurt feelings at being unable to fix him? Can you remember to not hold a grudge because he really really can't help it? (I mean, he CAN, if he gets professional help, but even that is such a difficult step to take and you can't blame him if it takes a long time for him to get there, kwim?) All of the thoughts/feelings I just mentioned are totally valid, but no relationship is exactly 50/50 and when you're the mentally heathy (or healthier) one you have to pick up the slack with a content heart.
I hope that doesn't sound like I'm a mega downer or anything, I actually hugely support you in this! It's definitely an opportunity for you guys to strengthen your marriage to a level that "normal" people would just never be able to understand. ::hugs:: feel free to come to me with ANYTHING, k?
Post by cinnamoncox on Jun 11, 2013 6:48:37 GMT -5
Both of us are somewhat effected by MI. My husband has anxiety and went through a serious bout of depression when we were dating, I've recently been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
Since you think his depression is situational and not clinical, and you know it's stemming from work stress, maybe you could say something like "honey, I know work is super stressful right now and I am sorry and wish I could help but it seems it's effecting you in too negative a way. I hate seeing you like this. I know it's hard to forget about work when u get home but how about on Fridays you put work on the back burner and we just enjoy our weekends together then back to the grind on Monday" It's not right that the job is leading to that much stress anxiety and depression.
I'm very sorry you are both dealing with this. Good luck
Post by mrsukyankee on Jun 22, 2013 14:58:28 GMT -5
It might be worth you going to see a therapist on your own to talk to them about how to deal with these situations, and then perhaps this will also help your DH see that it's not a big deal to go (or you could suggest that he comes with you for one session). Good luck!
I'm sorry to hear that. You are basically describing word for word what led to the end of my marriage.
All I can suggest is that you go to counselling. They can suggest better ways to cope than distancing yourself. That is exactly what happened to me, and by the time exH saw what he was doing to me and sought help for himself, I was beyond giving a fuck and left (he treated me quite badly, sounds like maybe your husband is not so bad). You are right in saying that he needs to seek help himself, but I think it is important you say what you said here to him so he knows that it is affecting you and your ability to feel close to him.
This sucks so much and I'm so sorry this is happening to the two of you.