Monday all day randoms

[cuddlyevil]

None of this morning/afternoon randoms shit.

Mother's day was good, not great. DH got me a couple seasons of supernatural and a couple nice cards. Beyond that, he just sorta lazed around all day--which made us late for dinner at MIL's. DH annoyed me last night on the way home, but I didn't call him out on it because the kids were asleep in the back seat. I am making calls about a counselor today because he seems to be backsliding--not necessarily with the games but just in general, the last half of the week was spent with him bringing the kids home, heading upstairs to shower but not coming back downstairs until the kids were in bed. I'm frustrated and starting to feel resentful--I don't want to feel that.

[Deleted]

I got to talk to my parents on Skype for a while last night. I love that they're just a video call away now and I felt like I was hanging out with them at their house.

[neonpink]

Today I got up early and went to the dentist for a crown. Not a fun way to start the day.

I had a great time yesterday I got to see my Mom and Dad then later saw my in laws for dinner. It was nice to see everyone.

[dixienormous]

Mother's day was a bust. for the last month I'm averaging 3.5 hours of sleep a night. I just ordered a set of 28 new wood burner tips. I got a bunch of clothes pins and I'm going to attempt to make some dolls with them. I need to go get more veggies but I don't have the motivation to actually go to the store tonight after work. Might send H. Or it might have to wait until Wednesday since he has a midterm tomorrow.

[gault]

Date for saturday is rescheduled for tonight. My brother is so adorable about all of this. He wants to call me in the middle of it and wants me to say he's another guy I'm dating to make the dude jealous. Lol. Also because he wants to make sure I'm not kidnapped. I know he'll do it, too. Love him.

Still waiting for job calls. Trying not to think about it, so this afternoon I'm going on a distraction-laden trip to target.

cuddlyevil, I hope you get the support you need. Aint no one got time for that shit.

[partiallysunny]

I hope you work through everything, cuddly.


Saturday was good. The person I did the cake for loved it. I was nervous at first, because there was a few mistakes, but the person was thrilled. Then I went to Target and found a great pair of flats for $7 and a plain pair of sandals that I thought were $6 but rang up for $4. SCORE!

Had an okay lunch with a friend on Sunday. Kid was sort of an embarrassment (I don't think he got the memo that he was suppose to be nice to me yesterday), but what can you do. H worked all day, but I still got a nap in, so I was happy.

[captainmel]

Dixie, you should AW all your wood burning stuff! I loved the frame you made Imoan.
Saturday was spent at the junk yard getting a new fender/applying it after the parking structure incident. My car is all green and now it has a shiny blue fender. It is two tone! People pay extra for that.
Sunday felt really busy, we made lunch for Boyfriend's parents. It was so delicious. Then we had dinner with my parents.
We finally switched to our summer weight bedding. I forgot how hot our down comforter can be. I also forgot how much I loooove our summer quilt. It is so bright and cheerful.

[cuddlyevil]

Good luck tonight Gault! Your brother is being adorable, he must be so happy to have you back home.

Thanks you guys, I feel awful that I have these feelings because when he's fully present he really does do a good job but the selfish behavior is coming more and more to the forefront. I need to figure out how to respond to it because what I am doing isn't working.

[captainmel]

PS, PIP the shoes!
Cuddly, does he know you're feeling that much frustration? What does he say? I could not handle that. He would get stabbed in less than a second.

[cuddlyevil]

Capt'n, I tried telling him previously and was met with "baby don't be like that" but as soon as I framed it using his own words about how his evening rituals are affecting him at work he was like "you make a good point". I finally threw it all out there then walked away. But it seems like enough time has passed that he's going back a but, now Friday & Saturday are semi-exceptions because he worked late both days. I think we're both frustrated but not communicating it effectively--he's worried about a guy at work (he's had an issue with the guy since the Christmas party when he shook my hand then pulled me in for a hug) and I'm worried about pulling away because sometimes I wonder just how much he likes being around me/the kids.

That's why I want to get to a counselor because I need to figure out how to process it and bring it up in a way that will start a good discussion not a massive fight.

[fussbucket]

I spent part of my Mother's Day at urgent care because I threw out my back Sunday morning. I've been basically bedridden since then. The comedy of errors that is this pregnancy continues.

You never saw a nearly 39-weeks-pregnant hoping so hard NOT to go into labor. Serenity now!

[captainmel]

Cuddly, sometimes Boyfriend gets in his own little head bubble and has no idea he is making me so frustrated. When we get like this I start staring at him expecting him to read my mind and just know that I am annoyed. This makes me feel more frustrated with him because he can't read my mind!!! This is clearly irrational on my end.
We have talked about what I should do to tell him and we have worked out that I should just say "I am feeling frustrated with what you are doing right now. I would like your help with (random thing)." Most of the time he is just totally wrapped up in reading computer articles that he has no idea I am feeling annoyed at all. This has solved a lot of frustration between us.

[cuddlyevil]

Mel, I've tried that but sometimes it gets through and others it gets dismissed--unless I make it all about him (e.g.: "Well, you said you were scared about getting hurt at work because you've been going to be so late, maybe you should back off the games and come down to dinner earlier."). When I put it out there as it relates to the kids and I "It feels like you're ignoring/hiding from us", he would give me the "baby don't be like that" or just spout off about how he needs his "me time". I finally put my foot down and told him he's behaving like his dad did (he used to come home from his biz trips, eat dinner with them and then hide from everyone in his rec room). That got him to improve some because he doesn't want to be like his dad in that respect.

So I don't know if I am framing things in the right way for them to make a lasting impact on him, or if this is something I am going to have to keep chipping away at or decide if I want to put up with it any longer.

[starrieskies]

Awwwe! Huge Hugs to cuddlyevil and fussbucket!! I feel awful that you guys are having such a rough time!

My boss is stress cleaning... The office building is sparkling clean, and now he's moved on to the parking lot. He's outside my window with the backpack blower. This makes answering the phone SUPER fun.

[cuddlyevil]

Stress cleaning fun. Sorry you've got to deal with the leafblower. Will you have grass and leaves stuck to your car now?

[captainmel]

Cuddly, does he know his much your frustration is compounding? That you're not just feeling a frustration level of one for a few minutes but instead feeling a four or five every time because this happens so consistently. From what you're saying it seems like you are telling him the right things but he just isnt really listening. Could you take him to a counseling session with you? Maybe hearing it from someone else would make it stick some more?

[cuddlyevil]

I don't know. We haven't had a chance at much "us" time in the last few months. We need a date night badly, so that may help if only to give us a chance to talk. I think he senses that things aren't 100% sunshine and roses between us but he can't pin down why so he's just not saying anything.

[starrieskies]

May 13, 2013 11:43:48 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Stress cleaning fun. Sorry you've got to deal with the leafblower. Will you have grass and leaves stuck to your car now?

Probably not.  But my car is filthy anyway.  I'm afraid to wash it because I'm pretty much convinced the dirt is holding it together.

[starrieskies]

cuddlyevil, I think you're doing a wonderful thing by being proactive and wanting to discuss this with a counselor. I like mel's suggestion too. I'd keep the idea of maybe bringing him to a counseling session with you in your back pocket and maybe, if your counselor thinks it will help, see what your H says about it?

I know how it feels to not think that you H likes being around you. It's a shitty feeling and I hope that he snaps out of whatever slump he's in because you truly deserve more than what he's giving you right now!

[captainmel]

Cuddly, you should sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Get a babysitter for the kids and really talk to him. You will get your answer either way. He will either take you seriously and make a real effort to improve the situation or he won't.

[cuddlyevil]

Thanks Starries. He's been in a "fuck it" mode for the last month or so with work because he's got the new job lined up, it may be spreading to everything else. I hope he'd want to go with me, but I don't know--we'll have to see.

[partiallysunny]

May 13, 2013 10:57:24 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Thanks you guys, I feel awful that I have these feelings because when he's fully present he really does do a good job but the selfish behavior is coming more and more to the forefront. I need to figure out how to respond to it because what I am doing isn't working.

H gets like this too. He just gets into these funks where he is so wrapped up into himself he can't see the whole picture. When he is present and trying (90% of the time), he is a great. Then there is the 10% of the time where it's just awful.

I think it's great you want to do counseling to figure out how to communicate your feelings to him more effectively, but I really think your H needs to go with you. It's one of those things where you both something is off and need to work on it together. I don't think you are going to get the results you want if you are the only one trying.

[partiallysunny]

captainmel I'm not wearing them (I know! Isn't it a rule you wear new shoes the day after you buy them!), maybe tomorrow.

fussbucket I'm so sorry. I just want to wrap you in bubble wrap and keep you safe. You've had one hell of a pregnancy.

[cuddlyevil]

Fuss, you really need a break with this one, tell that baby to stay put a little while longer.

[captainmel]

May 13, 2013 12:20:30 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

captainmel I'm not wearing them (I know! Isn't it a rule you wear new shoes the day after you buy them!), maybe tomorrow.

fussbucket I'm so sorry. I just want to wrap you in bubble wrap and keep you safe. You've had one hell of a pregnancy.

It is a rule! I have a shoe love that is quite large. I want to see your shoes tomorrow.

[cuddlyevil]

May 13, 2013 12:17:52 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

May 13, 2013 10:57:24 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Thanks you guys, I feel awful that I have these feelings because when he's fully present he really does do a good job but the selfish behavior is coming more and more to the forefront. I need to figure out how to respond to it because what I am doing isn't working.

H gets like this too. He just gets into these funks where he is so wrapped up into himself he can't see the whole picture. When he is present and trying (90% of the time), he is a great. Then there is the 10% of the time where it's just awful.

I think it's great you want to do counseling to figure out how to communicate your feelings to him more effectively, but I really think your H needs to go with you. It's one of those things where you both something is off and need to work on it together. I don't think you are going to get the results you want if you are the only one trying.

You're right PS. I know you're right. But what do I do if he won't go with me? I don't have any sort of response prepared for that.

And you need to PIP these shoes, I need new summer shoes and could use some ideas

[starrieskies]

cuddlyevil. I just want to give you a big hug right now! I don't want to be the one to say this, but you know that if he doesn't want to go with you, it's probably not a good sign... If he wants to make it work, he should be ready and willing to do whatever it takes and you're not (hypothetically of course) asking a lot of him. It's just one appointment, and it may be the one that finally drives home how serious this is...

However, I do not know your husband, and I don't know your marriage (I don't know your LYFE! LOL), so I have to assume that he is going to be willing to take that step with you.

I feel like I am quite possibly the worst person in history to be giving relationship advice right now, given my situation, so if I'm totally off base feel free to tell me to shove it.

[cuddlyevil]

Thanks Starries. I know you're right. Before all the crap with the games went down a few months ago, he made a point to tell me that he did not want to lose what we have. So he might be willing to go, though I'm sure it will be met with a little resistence at first because finding a time to go will be hard and it will be uncomfortable. I am hopeful that he'll want to go, but scared he'll say we don't need it.

[starrieskies]

It's scary, that's for sure. It kind of gets to a point where, it's not about what you or your H wants, it's what you NEED. If you need it, you can and will make it happen. I know you will.

[partiallysunny]

May 13, 2013 12:56:22 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

May 13, 2013 12:17:52 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

H gets like this too. He just gets into these funks where he is so wrapped up into himself he can't see the whole picture. When he is present and trying (90% of the time), he is a great. Then there is the 10% of the time where it's just awful.

I think it's great you want to do counseling to figure out how to communicate your feelings to him more effectively, but I really think your H needs to go with you. It's one of those things where you both something is off and need to work on it together. I don't think you are going to get the results you want if you are the only one trying.

You're right PS. I know you're right. But what do I do if he won't go with me? I don't have any sort of response prepared for that.

And you need to PIP these shoes, I need new summer shoes and could use some ideas

You need to do the same thing I needed to do when I first came to TIP looking for answers. Give an ultimatum.

And be prepared for the consequences when you finally give the ultimatum. He may refuse. You have to be ready to take the next step (for me it was a separation - which, thankfully, it never came to that) if he doesn't want to go and work on your marriage together. You may not be ready now, but I think if you want results, you are going to have to take that step.

You know that and I know you know that, but need to hear (read?) it.