Trouble with DH, I need a shoulder or two (probably long)

[dojo]

I'm feeling really down and I don't feel like I have anyone to share this with but you guys.  My relationship with DH is definitely going through and ebbing period. 

When I was on mat leave things were amazing.  We were working so well as a team and it felt like we were super connected and just generally in a great place now nothing feels right. 

We made the decision to move closer to my family for support and so my 3hr round trip commute could be shortened.  In the process DH had to move further away from his family/friends and left his job with a 5 minute commute for a job closer to our new house with closer to a 90 minute commute round trip (same as my new commute). 

Dh is miserable and he has admitted that he resents me for it even though we made the decision together.  He goes through days where it's obvious that he wants less than nothing to do with me.  I'm miserable as a result.  

We hit a rough patch after a couple years of dating and we split up - this feels very familiar.  I just feel really alone and like I walked onto a land mine that blew up in my face.  I feel like I can't do anything right and that no matter what I do it's not enough.  

I don't want to be someone who begs and bends over backwards for a guy that obviously doesn't care, but I don't want to give up on us either.  I don't know what to do or not do for that matter. There is just so much distance between us right now.  

[Deleted]

Dojo, I don't have much advice, but I have lots of hugs. (((Dojo)))

[monkeybabe]

I'm not good at relationship advice, but I'd really like to give you a hug. It seems really unfair that you two made a mutual decision to make a move and a change and he's treating you poorly because he's decided he doesn't like it.

[Faevantastic]

Hugs. Maybe this is one of those things that he just needs time to get over? Sorry, I'm not good at this either. Hugs!

[carawestt]

I'm sorry, Dojo that's not fair that he's placing blame on you for a decision you made together.

[dojo]

Thanks guys, monkeybabe I feel like it's really unfair too. I don't begrudge him not liking his situation right now and I get that emotions are emotions and sometimes we can't help the way we feel, but I'm just at a loss. Faevantastic I hope time is all he needs.

[unclejesse]

Big hugs to you. He really is being unfair and should have brought up any and all concerns back when you guys were discussing a move. I understand change can be hard and it can take time to adjust, but this isn't just you guys dating. You are a family now and he needs to remember that.

[TrudyCampbell]

I'm sorry  (hug)

[Deleted]

I have been thinking about this.

My husband never tries to filter or censor his emotions. He would totally act like your H about this situation. Have you told him how hurt you feel by his attitude? My h would have no clue how much his behavior would affect me.

Can he spend a night with his buddies? Would that help?

Have you guys had a date night lately? My h and I are struggling to find a way to concentrate on each other in this new life we are leading.

[mala]

I agree its unfair. Counseling? Is the problem that he hates to commute, the job, or that he has no friends?

[helicase]

I'm so sorry. Are the two of you talkers? Do you have an open line of communication? I think it's important that you share your feelings with your husband so that you can get to a better place together. He needs to know that how he is treating you hurts. ((dojo))

[angiekay84]

Same as others, and I think you said it well. He is allowed his feelings, but he shouldn't treat you poorly because of them.

Interestingly, I can related to your post as we are in a similar boat. We also moved to be loser to my family and DH seems kind of depressed. I feel we used to be so close and awesome, but since we've been in my hometown, not so much.

I have no advice, but I feel your pain. I hope your DH can adjust with time.

[kdrake8]

I'm so sorry

When did you guys move? I read somewhere that it takes about 3 months to get acclimated to a new job. Hopefully soon he will be feeling better about everything.

How did you get through it when you were dating?

[sunshineluv]

Big hugs! I am not great at relationship advice, but I will give it a shot.

How much are you communicating about this? Have you been open about you feeling the distance between you? That is a lot of changes in a short amount of time. I agree that it is unfair for him to resent you when it was a mutual decision. Can you ask him what he wants? I mean you can't up and move back or anything, but maybe there is some sort of way to eaase whatever is bugging him. I find when every something is weighing on me relationship wise, talking about it helps way more than I thought it would.

Oh, and the usual stuff, date nights, sexy time, making sure you have time to foster your marriage.

I hope the flow comes soon.

[katfco]

I'm sorry. It sounds like he's struggling with the change. Either he felt pressured to go along with the change when he really didn't want to, he's now regretting the change, or is just having trouble adjusting and needs time to work it out.

Have you tried to talk to him about it? Not just with him saying he resents you but with him saying how he can see a way out? It does sound like marriage counseling might help, even for a session or two so a third party can help you communicate and work things through.

[dojo]

I think I might need to be a little LESS understanding. Sometimes I think when I let him air out his grievances he feels justified. Truthfully, I'm actually terrified that things will turn really sour as a result of something i do, so I'm kind of standing in place.

[spaghetticat]

I'm sorry, Dojo. Hugs to you!

[dojo]

I have to go to bed - I don't mean to post and run but I'll let you know if anything happens in the morning.

[shevacc]

Hugs, dojo! It's not ok for your H to be taking things out on you, but I can somewhat sympathize with his feelings. DH and I moved across the country right before I got pregnant and it was HARD. I left a close-knit group of friends and plans most weekends/some weeknights to now maybe plans once every month or two. I've been here for nearly 2 years and it's slowly getting better, but I still miss my old friends quite a bit.

Can you help him find a healthier outlet for his frustrations? A driving range, batting cage, video games? I hope you two are able to talk through things and start reconnecting. Maybe you can do something together to meet other local parents so you each are building your local friendships.

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry. It does seem unfair.
Can you guys do a long wknd somewhere? DH & I have had a few bumps in the road, but a night or 2 away from home seems to calm us down and get us working together again.
Hugs

[cat19]

No advise that hasn't been given, just (((hugs)))

[creamsiclechica]

Honey, I'm so sorry. I know how excited you were about this move, and I'm sorry that has been dashed for you with these troubling times you're going through. I want to wrap you up in a big hug and tell you how wonderful you are. I really hope he is in an adjustment period that will even out, but he has to realize the decision was mutual and it's unfair if him to saddle you with blame for the emotions he's having. Lean on us whenever you need to. We all love you so much.

[skwcm80]

Everyone else has given great advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. (((Hugs)))

[devotchka]

I am so sorry. Hugs to you! That is really frustrating. The good news is that it sounds like you have a fair amt. insight into what's going on and it's not as mysterious as some marriage issues can be, but I think talking to a 3rd party counselor/shrink/whatever might really help. 

GL! Hope things get better for you.

[ruby412]

Dojo, he is being unfair. Lots of people have 90 minute commutes round trip, me included! He can't expect that for you and not him!

This is an adjustment period and it may take some time.

Many, many hugs, lady.

[charlielove]

It's unfair for him to be taking this out on you, especially considering you guys made this decision together. I'm so sorry. Hugs!

[lolaburns]

I'm so sorry dojo. It's not fair for him to take this out on you. It's give and take...sometimes more give than take. Is it maybe just an adjustment period to the move? Moving is always so hard and takes some time to acclimate to your new life. (((hugs))) I hope things get better.

[bean47]

I'm sorry, hugs.

[AndyCohen]

I'm so sorry dojo. I hope you get a chance to talk it out with him and I hope he sees how much he's hurting you and snaps out of it. (hug)