WWYD regarding IF and adoption

[missbella]

Hi ladies,

Normally I am a lurker but I need opinions from emotionally detached third parties.

DH and I have been married for almost 4 years and TTC for almost 2 years. We went to the RE and the only thing wrong is DH's morphology is 1%. Basically the RE said there is no reason we shouldn't get pregnant and carry a baby to term it just could take awhile.

We can keep doing what we are doing, or we can do IUI or IVF. Our insurance will pay. IUI is 9% chance per cycle and IVF is 50% chance per cycle. I am the kind of person who won't take Tylenol for a headache so all the medication scares me. Plus I have some moral qualms with IVF.

Or we can adopt. We are young and would like an infant at least for the first one. DH said he would adopt tomorrow except for the price (about $30,000 -$40,000) we have the money and wouldn't be in debt but it would be most of our savings. We own our house outright, have no car payments. We could recoup in a year or 2.

The general consensus is that we should just keep trying. I would be fine with that except it took MIL and FIL 10 years to have DH( morph problems can be genetic) and we are MIL and FIL only chance at grandchildren and they are getting up there. I would also like my child/ren to remember my grandparents and they are the same age as the in-laws.

WWYD?

[Jermys]

I went through the same thing (except I was the problem) and am now the proud mom of two amazing kids through adoption. We did no fertility treatments.

[lissaholly]

I really don't know what I would do and I have tried to put myself in your shoes. I am currently watching my sister on this journey and it is so disheartening. In her case, she wants to just go ahead and adopt. She figures, you can spent the money with treatments and still not have a baby or you can spend the money wih adoption and have a baby. Her DH has not really made the mental shift to adoption. I would be a surrogate in a heartbeat for her, and have let her know. I don't think she wants that.

It is an incredibly personal decision and I wish you the best in your choice.

[ginger]

Whatever feels right. You don't have to decide on a definite plan right now. Most importantly, although I know it's not your biggest consideration, don't let outside factors rush you into anything.

P.S. I totally support adoption. We are currently excitedly waiting for "the call" for our best friends to finally meet and hold their daughter in Hong Kong for the first time.

[lissaholly]

And reading comprehension. If insurance covers all then adoption is the money decision, nevermind my anecdote. I have to ask though, do you want more than one? If so, maybe you could adopt while waiting for it to happen biologically. Of course that is the best way to have kids about 3 months apart!

[karmasabiotch]

My DH has 0% morph. He had a baby with his ex and they weren't trying. I went through IF treatments and got pg after 5 rounds of B2B IUI's.

I honestly didn't care how we got a baby and would have pursued adoption but the journey for us going that route would have been longer and time wasn't on our side.

I hope to adopt an older child in foster care when my son is older.

[karmasabiotch]

Also, with 0% morph we have had unprotected sex for the last almost 5 years and I have never got pg. We also tried on our own for about 1 year before I started IF treatments.

[sonrisa]

I hope you find the right answer for you and are able to have the child or children you want. Don't let the "general consensus" sway you.

You mention that you are the type who wouldn't take tylenol when pregnant. If you do adopt, you will need to come to terms with the fact the birth mom won't be as stringent as you would.

[LeggsBenedict]

May 17, 2013 18:59:56 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I hope you find the right answer for you and are able to have the child or children you want. Don't let the "general consensus" sway you.

You mention that you are the type who wouldn't take tylenol when pregnant. If you do adopt, you will need to come to terms with the fact the birth mom won't be as stringent as you would.

I think she means she is the type to not take meds with a headache, and would rather just tough is out. so all the meds needed for fertility treatments give her pause, because she doesn't like drugs in general.

[snickers]

I am sorry you are going through this. I don't really have any advice, but I do think you have to think about whether or not you want to experience being pregnant. If that is something you are not overly attached to, then adoption might be a better route for you, but if you feel like not actually being pregnant will "rob you of the experience" sorta thing, then I would consider going the IUI/IVF route. Some people could live without the experience, and others are attached to the idea of the experience. I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive to anyone, it is definitely not meant that way. Good luck with whatever option you choose, positive vibes are coming your way from me.

[sonrisa]

May 17, 2013 19:03:29 GMT -5 LeggsBenedict said:

May 17, 2013 18:59:56 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I hope you find the right answer for you and are able to have the child or children you want. Don't let the "general consensus" sway you.

You mention that you are the type who wouldn't take tylenol when pregnant. If you do adopt, you will need to come to terms with the fact the birth mom won't be as stringent as you would.

I think she means she is the type to not take meds with a headache, and would rather just tough is out. so all the meds needed for fertility treatments give her pause, because she doesn't like drugs in general.

I see. That is a different issue.  

[sonrisa]

As someone who has done the pregnancy and birth thing (sorta), I can tell you that neither make you a better mom nor make you love your child more. They just make you uncomfortable ;-)

[missbella]

May 17, 2013 18:45:15 GMT -5 lissaholly said:

And reading comprehension. If insurance covers all then adoption is the money decision, nevermind my anecdote. I have to ask though, do you want more than one? If so, maybe you could adopt while waiting for it to happen biologically. Of course that is the best way to have kids about 3 months apart!

Yes ideally we would like a few. This is what I would like to do.Get the adoption paperwork started while continuing to try naturally and see what happens.

[missbella]

May 17, 2013 19:06:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

May 17, 2013 19:03:29 GMT -5 LeggsBenedict said:

I think she means she is the type to not take meds with a headache, and would rather just tough is out. so all the meds needed for fertility treatments give her pause, because she doesn't like drugs in general.

I see. That is a different issue.  

Yes, This is what I meant. I found a blog of someone who went through IF treatments and she had pictures of all the medications, and needles and it does not look like something I would like to deal with.

[cst2cst]

It is such a hard decision. When we went through unexplained IF I would say that if someone could tell me that I'd be be pregnant in 6 months, I'd keep at it and not move forward with treatments. But that I didn't want to keep trying for 6 months only to not be pregnant and be I the same position 6 months later. At that point I was ready to be pregnant for 2 years and didn't want to wait. It was also emotionally crushing for me and I wanted to feel like I had a chance.

I did IUI with Clomid and got pregnant with DD. I had no side effects from the Clomid, other than having 2 follicles instead of one. I know that some women do.

I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder after Dd was delivered at 27 weeks. We are now seriously considering adoption for a second child. I don't know if I can get pregnant on my own and have a higher chance of another early baby than I comfortable with.

All around IF is full of hard decisions. I will say that I'm so glad that we did IUI. If I wasn't at such high risk for pre eclampsia again due to the clotting disorder, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I hope that you are able to find a decision that brings you hope and peace.

[winston]

May 17, 2013 19:08:56 GMT -5 missbella said:

May 17, 2013 18:45:15 GMT -5 lissaholly said:

And reading comprehension. If insurance covers all then adoption is the money decision, nevermind my anecdote. I have to ask though, do you want more than one? If so, maybe you could adopt while waiting for it to happen biologically. Of course that is the best way to have kids about 3 months apart!

Yes ideally we would like a few. This is what I would like to do.Get the adoption paperwork started while continuing to try naturally and see what happens.

Honestly, this is exactly what I would do in your shoes, and what I was going to suggest.

We've been through all of this stuff while trying to become parents. We've had a lot of failed IUIs/IVFs/FETs, one success, and a lot of losses. We're back on the road to adoption again now, and I truly believe people when they tell me that when their adopted children are in their arms they feel no differently about them than they do their biological children (I can't wait!). It's a different path that ends in the same place - family.

Adoption can take some time and it can be pretty expensive, but it sounds like you have a solid plan for taking it on. It's a good time to dive more into researching and thinking about which path feels right for you.

[missbella]

May 17, 2013 19:05:54 GMT -5 snickers said:

I am sorry you are going through this. I don't really have any advice, but I do think you have to think about whether or not you want to experience being pregnant. If that is something you are not overly attached to, then adoption might be a better route for you, but if you feel like not actually being pregnant will "rob you of the experience" sorta thing, then I would consider going the IUI/IVF route. Some people could live without the experience, and others are attached to the idea of the experience. I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive to anyone, it is definitely not meant that way. Good luck with whatever option you choose, positive vibes are coming your way from me.

I have been thinking about this a lot and while I have always pictured myself being pregnant and it would be cool to feel them inside me and have a person who came from me and Dh, I think I could honestly be OK with not being pregnant. The only think I was looking forward to was breastfeeding but I know some people still do that with adopted babies.

[Sloane]

I have done two IVFs and an FET (one DD) and am going through our next round of IVF right now, so obviously this is the path we chose, it felt right and yet we didn't rule anything out. The 50% chance of success rate sounds pretty low to me with just low morph, especially if you did ICSI, I might look into that further. That said, you need to chose what's right for your family and it sounds like you have more peace with a decision to adopt.

Either way, I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the best in building your family.

[Deleted]

May 17, 2013 18:28:48 GMT -5 Jermys said:

I went through the same thing (except I was the problem) and am now the proud mom of two amazing kids through adoption. We did no fertility treatments.

Ditto this, except I have one adopted kiddo.  You need to do what is right for you, regardless of what family and friends think.  Most people opt for some IF treatments, but I quickly decided that they aren't for me and we did none.  I know many people who have gone through it.  It screws with your emotions and hormones, and I just had no interest in putting my body or our emotions through that.  I just wanted to be a mom and adoption felt right. 

I have zero regrets.  In fact, after experiencing adoption, I can't imagine adding to our family any other way.  Adoption is every bit as beautiful and as much of a miracle as pregnancy and giving birth.  I actually feel fortunate and blessed to have had this amazing experience.

There is no right or wrong and you should go with your gut.  

[cc]

I am sorry you are in this situation. DH had 2% morph and it took 13 cycles to get pregnant.

[mae141]

May 17, 2013 19:08:56 GMT -5 missbella said:

May 17, 2013 18:45:15 GMT -5 lissaholly said:

And reading comprehension. If insurance covers all then adoption is the money decision, nevermind my anecdote. I have to ask though, do you want more than one? If so, maybe you could adopt while waiting for it to happen biologically. Of course that is the best way to have kids about 3 months apart!

Yes ideally we would like a few. This is what I would like to do.Get the adoption paperwork started while continuing to try naturally and see what happens.

If this is what you would like to do, it's what you should do. 

We went with IVF. A big part of it was because of the money issue- I have great insurance, but insurance doesn't cover adoption. I do want to be pregnant, and so I wanted to at least try what we could to have a bio child. I felt like I would always wonder if we didn't at least try it. We may pursue adoption in the future; who knows at this point. 

I think you need to go with what feels right to you. 

[lime]

May 17, 2013 20:28:45 GMT -5 @godawgs said:

May 17, 2013 18:28:48 GMT -5 Jermys said:

I went through the same thing (except I was the problem) and am now the proud mom of two amazing kids through adoption. We did no fertility treatments.

Ditto this, except I have one adopted kiddo.  You need to do what is right for you, regardless of what family and friends think.  Most people opt for some IF treatments, but I quickly decided that they aren't for me and we did none.  I know many people who have gone through it.  It screws with your emotions and hormones, and I just had no interest in putting my body or our emotions through that.  I just wanted to be a mom and adoption felt right. 

I have zero regrets.  In fact, after experiencing adoption, I can't imagine adding to our family any other way.  Adoption is every bit as beautiful and as much of a miracle as pregnancy and giving birth.  I actually feel fortunate and blessed to have had this amazing experience.

There is no right or wrong and you should go with your gut.  

I teared up just the slightest bit reading this. 

You have to do what is best for you. No right or wrong, here. Best wishes. 

[missbella]

May 17, 2013 20:21:22 GMT -5 Sloane said:

I have done two IVFs and an FET (one DD) and am going through our next round of IVF right now, so obviously this is the path we chose, it felt right and yet we didn't rule anything out. The 50% chance of success rate sounds pretty low to me with just low morph, especially if you did ICSI, I might look into that further. That said, you need to chose what's right for your family and it sounds like you have more peace with a decision to adopt.

Either way, I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the best in building your family.

The 50% is per cycle. What is ICSI?

[BNL2]

I'm in a similiar situation except everything is OOP. This is such a personal decision. Nothing you do will be the wrong choice. You just have to talk to DH and go with your heart.

We are currently in the IUI stage. I don't think I'll go to IVF and will likely pursue adoption if IUI does not work.

[Sloane]

May 17, 2013 20:58:12 GMT -5 missbella said:

May 17, 2013 20:21:22 GMT -5 Sloane said:

I have done two IVFs and an FET (one DD) and am going through our next round of IVF right now, so obviously this is the path we chose, it felt right and yet we didn't rule anything out. The 50% chance of success rate sounds pretty low to me with just low morph, especially if you did ICSI, I might look into that further. That said, you need to chose what's right for your family and it sounds like you have more peace with a decision to adopt.

Either way, I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the best in building your family.

The 50% is per cycle. What is ICSI?

Interesting, it will vary by clinic of course, but it just seems really low to me, but I just looked at the SART rates and for under 35 with male factor, that is the national average. My clinic had something like 70% average live birth rate. 

ICSI is essentially where they inject each egg with a single (normal morph) sperm, rather than waiting for the embryos to fertilize more naturally in the petri dish, with abnormal morph it would make sense to me that "natural" fertilization may not happen. 

[missbella]

May 17, 2013 21:09:15 GMT -5 Sloane said:

May 17, 2013 20:58:12 GMT -5 missbella said:

The 50% is per cycle. What is ICSI?

Interesting, it will vary by clinic of course, but it just seems really low to me, but I just looked at the SART rates and for under 35 with male factor, that is the national average. My clinic had something like 70% average live birth rate. 

ICSI is essentially where they inject each egg with a single (normal morph) sperm, rather than waiting for the embryos to fertilize more naturally in the petri dish, with abnormal morph it would make sense to me that "natural" fertilization may not happen. 

Thanks for the info and Good Luck!

[ndgrl]

We were (and are) in a very similar situation, except we are unexplained infertility, so we could get pregnant at any point, or never. IF treatments were covered by insurance, and we did 3 IUI cycles with clomid. At the end of that, I was just tired of drugs and blood tests and ultrasounds, and we declined to move on to IVF. For me, I was very happy to start the adoption process because thought the "pregnancy" could be of uncertain length, I knew I could parent a child. We brought our son home in January, and it has definitely been grace beyond what I could have imagined, both for us and for our family and friends. (Plus, I feel fine openly agreeing with people when they say how cute he is because he shares none of my genetic material). Good luck to you and your husband in making this decision!

[2boys2danes]

First of all, super great that your insurance is so generous....so many people dont have that blessing! I work for a large nonprofit and while most of our benefits are fantastic, the IF benefits stink. H and I adopted our two boys internationally about 9 years ago. We tried for about a year with no luck and I was older and he had a few issues although there was really no "huge red flags" that should have hindered us. We basically could have gone the "try everything" route or the more "sure thing" route (adoption) and we decided to go the adoption route.

We adopted older kids (they were 3 and 4) internationally. Good luck to you -- however your kids come to you, there's nothing like it in the world!

[missbella]

May 17, 2013 21:10:21 GMT -5 RexManningDay said:

I've been going through pretty intense IF treatment for a few years now, and am not done yet, but am getting close. I will pursue adoption when i feel like ive closed this door. The drugs don't bother me, and really the finances are the hardest part for me mentally. But I don't think anyone can convince you either way. From what I've seen, people tend to feel a gut reaction on which route to pursue first. That doesn't mean that it can't be a tough choice, but you'll decide what feels right for you. Neither option is wrong. Hugs and good luck!

Thanks and same to you!

[Sloane]

You too, missbella