Family drama... WWYD?

[pedanticwench]

Your mother was hospitalized. Older niece (your mother's granddaughter) lives nearby and is the one who took her in and calls you letting you know. She says she will call with updates.

She does, a couple of hours later, but tells you that grandmother (your mother) insists that you not be told about the situation. So, your niece asks you not to mention to your mother that you know she was hospitalized.

You refuse, saying you will not keep it a secret that you know. Niece refuses to let you talk to your mother because she doesn't want her to get upset.

Who is in the wrong in this situation?

[katfayder]

Your mother.

[pedanticwench]

Who's mother?

[katfayder]

To clarify, niece should refuse to keep the secret, you should refuse to hide you know, you both hold to one truth: you both care, you want to know and help, deal with it mom.

[pedanticwench]

Just so everyone knows this is not my situation. This is happening to my mom, who is dealing with her mom and niece, who are my grandmother and cousin, respectively.

[ECB]

Niece just needs to tell grandmother "too late. I already called". Because she had already called - right?  So while they are both wrong, I putit a tad more on the niece. 

[auntie]

Sound like lots of passive aggresion blame to go around. I'd apportion slightly more of this dysfunction to the grandmother- fish stinks from the head down.

Is the adult DD at a distance from the hospitalized parent? Does the niece resent "picking up the slack" for someone she perceives isn't "doing her share" for her own mother? Is there some perverse competition over who loves and cares for the matriarch more?

There is paperwork that can be drawn up to allow the medical team to share information with others. Often it's a simple form the grandmother can sign. I have such forms with my adult son's and elderly parents' physicians.

[vanillacourage]

It depends on the relationships in question. Hypothetically if the hospitalized person has a toxic relationship with the other and has cut them out of their lives (how many times do we see that advice on these boards?) then they have a right for their medical situation to be kept private.

[VeryViolet]

I think it really depends what condition the mom is in. I know for example that husbands grandmother has dementia which is getting worse. Along with it comes bad paranoia. We lie to her a lot just to keep her from getting worked up. It isn't worth it to get her so worked up. If she were in the hospital for something minor and didn't want DH to know he probably would pretend like he didn't. Something serious would be different probably.

[snickers]

The mother (your grandmother) and the niece. She should have said she was not going to keep it a secret because her daughter has the right to know, and would be heart broken if she ever found out.

[Deleted]

your mom but why was she hospitalized. If it were something like she had a drug OD or alcohol poisoning then I can understand why she may not want you to know. HOWEVEr either way she is wrong. that is bizarre

[Deleted]

I grew up in a family (dad's side) with a bunch of "don't tell grandma" shit.  It was usually things like not telling grandma about a car accident, a job loss, etc, because no one wanted to worry her.  It's silly, but the mom's heart is in the right place with not wanting her daughter to find out (the daughter is your mom, right?).  My fear would be that if your mom lets her mother know that the cat is out of the bag, the niece might not tell next time.  Ultimately, your mom doesn't want to be in a position where she might not find out that her mom is sick or hurt.  As silly as it is and as frustrating as it is, I would thank the niece for telling anyway and keep getting updates from her.  If the situation got serious enough that a visit to her mom is in order, then I would only let the mother know at that point that the niece told about the situation.

[pedanticwench]

My grandmother fell in the middle of the night. She called my niece, who lives nearby. My mom lives three hours away. Niece, who is an LVN, came over and took grandmother's blood pressure and it was very high. She took grandmother in and called my mom. Turns out grandmother had a severe UTI.

There is so much backstory that it's hard to get into it, but to answer a few other questions, my mom is not estranged from my grandmother, they actually have a decent relationship.

Also, there is some bad blood between my cousin (the niece) and my mom. Like I said, way too much to get into, really.

Basically, I feel that my grandmother has created this situation where my cousin feels like she can keep things about her own mother from my mom.

It really was awful that my cousin kept my mom from talking to my grandmother and I'm so pissed off for my mom in this situation.

[margotmacomber]

I don't think the niece is in the wrong.  She's trying to balance the grandmother's desires with telling your mom that something happened.  I think the root of the problem is why does your grandmother not want your mom to know she was hospitalized.  This is your grandmother and mother's issue, I don't see how the niece can be at fault.

[margotmacomber]

May 19, 2013 20:45:53 GMT -5 mooselovah said:

I think the niece is full of bullshit. She just wants control of the situation. Have your mon call the hospital to find out the info. I would also visit and not trust niece. Something is off here.

How is the niece shady?  What am I missing here?

[pedanticwench]

I honestly cannot tell you why my grandmother didn't want my mom to know.

She gave my cousin the reason that she didn't want my mom to know because she didn't want my mom to push the issue of coming to live with my mom, which is really weird because my mom has never even brought that subject up.