XP- STBXH just told me he mailed in the divorce pa

[Lauren88]

I originally posted this on ML but wanted to let those of you who know me know what's going on but I don't post a ton.

I'm a mess at work right now about it. I wasn't expecting him to do it this soon. He told me he was going to think about things, work on things with his therapist and then make a decision.
I figured it was coming, that he wasn't going to change his mind, but I didn't expect it right now. I'm just so so sad right now.

I know it's probably for the best, we had issues with communication and arguing a lot but it's still hard. We did IVF because I can't get pregnant naturally but it ended as an ectopic pg. We have 8 frozen embryos we have to deal with now and that is extremely painful. I guess we'll be donating them to science. I'm just grieving for the loss of my marriage, the loss of my potential future children and the loss of the future I thought I had with him. I've known him since I was 17. We started out as friends, dated for over a year, broke up and got back together when I was 24. We dated, got engaged and then married. It would have been 5 years this October. He was always there for me to lean on and I've always loved him. I was just too young when we were first together and I wanted to date other people.
It's a tough pill to swallow that we aren't going to be together anymore. I thought things could be fixed and wanted to try counseling but he wasn't for it.
I hate that he gave up on us. I hate that he waited to get into therapy until after we separated. I hate that I'm not further along in getting over things. It's just so raw and painful. I want to crawl in a hole and just cry and cry.

Thank you for listening if you made it this far. I just needed to vent.

[doriswe]

((hugs))

[hotmess]

Hugs, I'm sorry.

[Lauren88]

I meant to ask how you ladies dealt with this? I'm in therapy weekly and just try to cry when I need to. Any other ideas? This sucks!

[awick14]

((hugs))

[doriswe]

Jun 11, 2012 13:18:18 GMT -5 Lauren88 said:

I meant to ask how you ladies dealt with this? I'm in therapy weekly and just try to cry when I need to. Any other ideas? This sucks!

I write....a lot!! It helps to get it out of my head and "out" into the world, kwim?? I also talked a lot to my core group of girls.

[audg]

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day! I think that was/is the toughest pill for me to swallow as well was processing the loss of "what should have been." I knew I wasn't happy with XH, but the thought of the lost future I had planned with him hurt the most. There's no magic way of dealing with the loss..but therapy and staying busy with friends/family really helps. Just take care of yourself! ({)

[starryfish]

({) (}) HUgs!

It does get easier....therapy, hanging out with friends, trying new things, etc.

[Lauren88]

Jun 11, 2012 13:24:08 GMT -5 audg said:

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day! I think that was/is the toughest pill for me to swallow as well was processing the loss of "what should have been." I knew I wasn't happy with XH, but the thought of the lost future I had planned with him hurt the most. There's no magic way of dealing with the loss..but therapy and staying busy with friends/family really helps. Just take care of yourself!

Thank you so much for this. You hit the nail on the head and it helps to know i'm not alone in feeling this way. Why isn't there something out there that can fast forward time to when I'm over this?!?

[explorer2001]

Hugs

[hainesherway]

I'm so sorry! I agree, getting over the what could/should have been was the hardest part.

Do you have support from your family/friends? That's what really helped me through it (in addition to therapy).

[usedtobebear]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry! Gosh, our stories are similar, my DH and I had our first kiss when I was 18, now I'm 34... we were with other people after that, but he was always my biggest crush and we got married when I was 24 (too young). We too struggled with IF, we did 4 IUI's and were planning on starting IVF this month. I can't even imagine if I had frozen embies... seriously that must be so so so hard, I'm crying just thinking about how you must feel. Wow, my heart hurts for you and I don't even have any advice since I'm a mess too. Regardless of the situation, getting a divorce is the worst feeling. I could go on and on but don't want to hi-jack your post, ((BIG HUGS))

[usedtobebear]

Jun 11, 2012 13:18:18 GMT -5 Lauren88 said:

I meant to ask how you ladies dealt with this? I'm in therapy weekly and just try to cry when I need to. Any other ideas? This sucks!

My biggest help right now is my journal, my DH is so up and down I am writing down all of his text messages in my journal, so when I start to doubt my decision and not trust myself, I go back and re-read the text msgs over the past month or two and I it reaffirms I'm making the right decision. Journal, wine, yoga, family, therapist, that book that was recommended on here, Getting past your Break Up. Oh, and Xanax, I actually went to the Dr. last week to get a prescription as my anxiety is through the roof. ((HUGS))

[Lauren88]

Jun 11, 2012 13:37:50 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

Jun 11, 2012 13:18:18 GMT -5 Lauren88 said:

I meant to ask how you ladies dealt with this? I'm in therapy weekly and just try to cry when I need to. Any other ideas? This sucks!

My biggest help right now is my journal, my DH is so up and down I am writing down all of his text messages in my journal, so when I start to doubt my decision and not trust myself, I go back and re-read the text msgs over the past month or two and I it reaffirms I'm making the right decision. Journal, wine, yoga, family, therapist, that book that was recommended on here, Getting past your Break Up. Oh, and Xanax, I actually went to the Dr. last week to get a prescription as my anxiety is through the roof. ((HUGS))

This is a great idea for me because he usually is so up and down with his emotions, I swear he has some bipolar or something going on, and I could use a reminder of the crazy. Actually my mom suggested this but I never followed through.
I am also reading that book, Getting past your break up and I hope it helps. The anxiety hasn't been too bad but the non stop crying has been horrible. I will try to start he journaling and see how that goes. I have started before but didn't keep up with it.

[Lauren88]

Jun 11, 2012 13:42:43 GMT -5 dynamoo said:

I'm so sorry. Your story is very similar to mine and it takes a long time to heal but I promise you will. Surround yourself with people you absolutely trust - who you can cry around, who will support you and hopefully get you to laugh at some point. The paperwork and the feeling of such finality is SO hard to deal with especially when you're not the one doing/wanting it -I remember it well. Keep up the counseling. Stick around here for support. Reach out to friends and family. I journaled (sp?) like crazy. I wrote it all down to let it out. I wasn't sure it was helping when I was sobbing through much of the beginnings but I went back at one point and realized how much I had grown and how much stronger I was. It also helped me to not run back to him or beg him to return - which would have been so bad for me.

Sending you (((big huge hugs)))

UGH! I know what you mean about running back and begging. I've definitely done that these past few months and I know I'm better then that! I am ashamed by acting that way but I was just desperate at those moments. I am going to start to journal to see if that helps.

[Lauren88]

Jun 11, 2012 13:32:29 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

I'm so sorry! I agree, getting over the what could/should have been was the hardest part.

Do you have support from your family/friends? That's what really helped me through it (in addition to therapy).

Yes I have a lot of support. I'm living back home with my parents and I don't know what I'd do without them. I wouldn't have made it living alone right now. I don't have too many close friends, unfortunately, but I'm getting back in touch with some who i've lost contact with.

[prettyinpearls]

Lots and lots of hugs to you. Is it possible to go home early so you can grieve in private? I can't imagine having that kind of news sprung on me at work. I'm so sorry.

For me, writing really helped. I had a private blog where I said anything and everything -- I even wrote an open letter or two to XH. Even though it was private and I know he'd never see it, it really did help to get everything out there. Even now, it's nice to go back and re-visit the place I used to be in so that I can appreciate how far I've come. It truly is amazing.

Another thing that helped was for me to read self-help books and focus on how I could improve myself for future relationships. Even though my XH had an affair, I wasn't the perfect wife by any means. I took the time in my 'recovery' to focus on where and how I could improve myself, as I knew that would be key to any future relationships I might have. To be honest, being honest with MYSELF was one of the hardest things I needed to do. It was so much easier to place the blame on XH, and while he was mostly at fault, I needed to accept responsibility for my faults as well.

Throw yourself into a hobby you haven't had time for or have been wanting to learn. I got more serious about my photography. Nothing cheered me up like editing a bunch of photos with DS' smiling face looking at me

[missbetty1]

{{Hugs}} You've gotten wonderful advice already so I'm just going to repeat what's already been said because it worked for me too...reading self help books, in particular the one you already have, ALOT of journaling, talking to my BFF and doing good things for myself, like hot bubble baths, pedicures, buying new clothes, doing things that I really enjoy like trying new restaurants, and meeting new people and of course chatting with the great group of ladies on here...

[bullygirl979]

Aww....laurens. BIG hugs to you.

I honestly REALLY know how you feel. You know that I just ended it with my SO and one of the hardest things to deal with was letting go of the idea that he was supposed to be the one that I married and started a family with. But like a PP mentioned, there are REASONS that both of our relationships haven't worked. And you need to remind yourself of that. And trust and have faith in the fact that one day you will me the person that you are supposed to walk down this path with.

Don't fast forward the emotions. You need to walk through them and work through them. This way, when you DO meet the right person you will be healed, healthy and happy. I get that it can be hard and that you feel like you are not even sure if you can make it through the next 5 minutes let alone the next 5 days. Just take it one minute, hour or day at a time. Stay in therapy, use your supports, distract yourself when needed (learn a new hobby, take a class, brush up on a new skill) but also sit with your emotions when needed. Journaling was a great suggestion.

And yes, it WILL get better. I promise. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

[blackkitty]

I'm sorry.... as far as dealing with it goes for me therapy helped a lot in addition to reading some books and writing. It takes time. Give yourself time and don't beat yourself up for your feelings. Feel your feelings if that makes sense. Also, do things that you enjoy especially those things that you might have given up once you got married.
It gets better with time. I am actually happier now than I ever was when I was married (and I was married for 7 years).

As an aside I did IVF too to have my son. We didn't have any leftover embryos though, but I can only imagine what that must be like. My BFF had leftover embryos after her divorce and they donated them as well. That must really suck.

[Lauren88]

Thank you so much ladies. I'm taking all of your advice seriously and will definitely take it easy. I know I can't escape these feelings.
Divorce and break ups are a mother fucker and I hope one day I will find someone who will truly be with me forever.
A lot of you ladies on here have given me hope that there is life after divorce and that's reassuring.