Friend having a late pg loss...

[rex]

My H's really good friend and his girlfriend found out today that the baby she is carrying has severe defects (the 2 sides of the brain are uneven and there is something wrong with her intestines) and that she will need a d&e. I feel so terrible. They went for the anatomy scan, found out it was a girl then received awful news.

We are getting them a card, but what else is a good thing to do or give in this situation?

[natsnow]

ditto food

[sake]

LIQOUR? i would want a stiff drink to deal with things, if it were me... And food. I agree with food.

[ErinExpat]

Food, and swing by the house to tidy up (if you know them well) and stock the house with some snacks they both like, magazines she likes to read, some mindless, funny movies, bread/eggs/milk, etc.

[Deleted]

Food. Definitely food.

[studytime45]

What does the card say? I'm just curious, because I'd tread so lightly in this situation. Less, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and more "Congratulations on your little girl". When my aunt gave birth to my cousin who has spina bifida and other abnormalities, all she got was condolences cards. My mother gave her one that was just "Congratulations on the birth of your daughter" and it meant so much to her.

I realize she is not actually going to give birth to a live baby, so this situation is very different, but I would still want to remind her that her little girl is still hers no matter what.

[ijack]

There is a poster on MMM who dealt with a similar situation lately, you may want to ask there.

[winston]

May 22, 2013 10:01:49 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

What does the card say? I'm just curious, because I'd tread so lightly in this situation. Less, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and more "Congratulations on your little girl". When my aunt gave birth to my cousin who has spina bifida and other abnormalities, all she got was condolences cards. My mother gave her one that was just "Congratulations on the birth of your daughter" and it meant so much to her.

I realize she is not actually going to give birth to a live baby, so this situation is very different, but I would still want to remind her that her little girl is still hers no matter what.

Noooooo. I'd have cried buckets if someone handed me a 'congratulations on your son' card last year. I didn't get to keep him, there was nothing to congratulate. (ETA: it was a surgical termination - it's different than giving birth to a live baby)

The greeting card industry is sorely lacking when it comes to baby loss cards. I had a really hard time finding one for a friend a few weeks ago.

[rex]

I haven't picked out a card yet. My H just found out this morning.

I will xp this to mmm too, good call.

[studytime45]

May 22, 2013 10:05:34 GMT -5 Loco Coco said:

May 22, 2013 10:04:13 GMT -5 winston said:

Noooooo. I'd have cried buckets if someone handed me a 'congratulations on your son' card last year. I didn't get to keep him, there was nothing to congratulate. (ETA: it was a surgical termination - it's different than giving birth to a live baby)

The greeting card industry is sorely lacking when it comes to baby loss cards. I had a really hard time finding one for a friend a few weeks ago.

Yea, sweet Jesus, no congratulations card. Wtf?!

yes yes I know it was a bad example!! I didn't mean a card with EXACTLY that on it, just a more "upbeat" one. ugh

[Deleted]

May 22, 2013 10:01:49 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

What does the card say? I'm just curious, because I'd tread so lightly in this situation. Less, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and more "Congratulations on your little girl". When my aunt gave birth to my cousin who has spina bifida and other abnormalities, all she got was condolences cards. My mother gave her one that was just "Congratulations on the birth of your daughter" and it meant so much to her.

I realize she is not actually going to give birth to a live baby, so this situation is very different, but I would still want to remind her that her little girl is still hers no matter what.

Do NOT give a congratulations card!!!!

[lilybug]

When I had a 2nd tri loss, I had friends that sent food - that was awesome. But even better were the friends / family who came over and just hung out with me and the kids. They did some laundry, fixed meals, brought gossipy magazines and tons of dvds - I had to constantly be watching or reading something to keep my mind from going to very dark places. Two friends got me necklaces in remembrance of my daughter, I love them and wear them daily.

[winston]

Also... based on your ticker you might be a hard person for her to be around right now, and maybe for a little while. Follow her lead, be in touch and if you want to see her, suggest coming by but don't be offended if she needs some physical space from you. It won't be because of you, but because you're going to be a physical reminder of what she's losing. She might be totally okay seeing you, but if she's not, please don't be hurt about it. Just give her time and follow her lead.

(((hugs)))

[studytime45]

May 22, 2013 10:07:19 GMT -5 twostep said:

May 22, 2013 10:01:49 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

What does the card say? I'm just curious, because I'd tread so lightly in this situation. Less, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and more "Congratulations on your little girl". When my aunt gave birth to my cousin who has spina bifida and other abnormalities, all she got was condolences cards. My mother gave her one that was just "Congratulations on the birth of your daughter" and it meant so much to her.

I realize she is not actually going to give birth to a live baby, so this situation is very different, but I would still want to remind her that her little girl is still hers no matter what.

Do NOT give a congratulations card!!!!

Please see my other post. I didn't mean exactly that. I'm so sorry that it came off wrong.

[julez]

Gift card to a restaurant that delivers, and/or a gift certificate for a house cleaning.

I don't think I'd bring food right away, unless they have other kids to feed. I've heard a lot of grieving people say that a lot of food gets wasted because they don't feel like eating right after a tragedy.

[winston]

May 22, 2013 10:06:24 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

May 22, 2013 10:05:34 GMT -5 Loco Coco said:

Yea, sweet Jesus, no congratulations card. Wtf?!

yes yes I know it was a bad example!! I didn't mean a card with EXACTLY that on it, just a more "upbeat" one. ugh

But no. You don't give upbeat cards to people terminating their babies for medical reasons. It's one of the worst fucking things in the world. There's nothing happy about it.

[fryjack2]

I find these questions so hard to answer. Everyone grieves so differently. I'd personally want to hole up in a dark room and get shitfaced and cry until I couldnt cry anymore.

How much are you planning to spend?

Is their house already set up with baby stuff? Maybe get them a night in a hotel so they can have a night away from home. They can go grieve and not look at baby stuff or talk to anyone, etc.

Or food. With booze. Lots of booze.

[studytime45]

May 22, 2013 10:09:19 GMT -5 winston said:

May 22, 2013 10:06:24 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

yes yes I know it was a bad example!! I didn't mean a card with EXACTLY that on it, just a more "upbeat" one. ugh

But no. You don't give upbeat cards to people terminating their babies for medical reasons. It's one of the worst fucking things in the world. There's nothing happy about it.

Okay well I'm sorry we have a difference of opinion. I obviously agree that this is a terrible situation! 

[winston]

May 22, 2013 10:11:22 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

May 22, 2013 10:09:19 GMT -5 winston said:

But no. You don't give upbeat cards to people terminating their babies for medical reasons. It's one of the worst fucking things in the world. There's nothing happy about it.

Okay well I'm sorry we have a difference of opinion. I obviously agree that this is a terrible situation! 

Regardless of your opinion, please never congratulate someone on their dead baby. I'm not even sure what 'upbeat' words you'd say to someone in this situation.

[VeryViolet]

To those asking about what to put in a card, from my experience I got a few cards that were simple and just basically said we are thinking of you or we are here if you need anything, those kind of sentiments. Those meant a lot.

OP I would have your husband check with his friend and just see if they need anything. Honestly, I know I just wanted to be left alone for a few weeks. I appreciated the texts and calls but I didn't really respond to any of them. Also, I wouldn't have wanted someone to bring food or anything because I just wouldn't have been up for having any friends at my house even just to drop something off. I just made my husband go to the store and bring me all of the food.

[studytime45]

May 22, 2013 10:13:21 GMT -5 winston said:

May 22, 2013 10:11:22 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

Okay well I'm sorry we have a difference of opinion. I obviously agree that this is a terrible situation! 

Regardless of your opinion, please never congratulate someone on their dead baby. I'm not even sure what 'upbeat' words you'd say to someone in this situation.

Now you're just being deliberately shitty. Do you honestly think I would ever say, "Hey dude, congratulations on your dead baby!"? Even if you mistook my original post to mean I would do that, I have since clarified I wouldn't. So please, let's leave this post for suggestions to the OP.

I like the idea of a gift card to a food place that delivers.

[rex]

No, I will not congratulate her.

And I barely know them, but my H went to school with him and works with him and has met/spent time with the girlfriend quite a few times. We were all planning on spending more time together because our babies would be so close in age. But now, ugh.

I told my H if there was a funeral or anything I wouldn't go because I felt like that would be a slap in the face.

So does a card, a food gift card and my H bringing alcohol when he goes over sound like a good idea?

[pillowpants]

May 22, 2013 10:08:49 GMT -5 julez said:

Gift card to a restaurant that delivers, and/or a gift certificate for a house cleaning.

I don't think I'd bring food right away, unless they have other kids to feed. I've heard a lot of grieving people say that a lot of food gets wasted because they don't feel like eating right after a tragedy.

I agree with this.  Gift cards are nice.  When I lost our 1st pregnancy half way through, I ate very little for the first few days.

Alcohol was a no go since I was on meds to help me sleep and to help with the pain.

Sympathy cards are fine.  Or you can just get a blank one and write something short, but meaningful.

I stated this in a previous post that was dealing with the same subject - a teddy bear or stuffed animal meant a lot to me.  I received one and it brought me some comfort on many nights when I didn't want human contact.

Even something sentimental like a necklace/ornament.  www.october15th.com/shop-our-store/

Or a donation to March of Dimes on behalf of the parents and child.

[winston]

May 22, 2013 10:16:15 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

May 22, 2013 10:13:21 GMT -5 winston said:

Regardless of your opinion, please never congratulate someone on their dead baby. I'm not even sure what 'upbeat' words you'd say to someone in this situation.

Now you're just being deliberately shitty. Do you honestly think I would ever say, "Hey dude, congratulations on your dead baby!"? Even if you mistook my original post to mean I would do that, I have since clarified I wouldn't. So please, let's leave this post for suggestions to the OP.

I like the idea of a gift card to a food place that delivers.

You suggested she send a card that says 'congratulations on your baby girl'. But that little girl is about to be terminated. There are no cards that say 'congratulations on your dead baby' for a reason - it's not a time of celebration. It's a time of grief and mourning. There are no upbeat words. There's nothing good about it, I promise you. You should always congratulate people on their live births, even if there's a complication. You should never do this in this situation. I'm not being shitty, I'm telling you how to never do something like this because it will never make parents in these situations feel better.

I know what I'm talking about. Trust me.

[lilybug]

I think a lot of what to do / not to do depends on 1) if they have other kids and 2) how close you are with them.

I would have loved to hole up, not eat, and not speak to anyone for days. But I have two small kids who needed me, and needed to eat, so it was helpful to have people send food, or come over and entertain them.

If they don't have kids, then just send the card. I didn't realize that you're pregnant when I responded. This may sound harsh, but I would not have wanted to be around any pregnant people just after my loss.

[studytime45]

May 22, 2013 10:20:13 GMT -5 winston said:

May 22, 2013 10:16:15 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

Now you're just being deliberately shitty. Do you honestly think I would ever say, "Hey dude, congratulations on your dead baby!"? Even if you mistook my original post to mean I would do that, I have since clarified I wouldn't. So please, let's leave this post for suggestions to the OP.

I like the idea of a gift card to a food place that delivers.

You suggested she send a card that says 'congratulations on your baby girl'. But that little girl is about to be terminated. There are no cards that say 'congratulations on your dead baby' for a reason - it's not a time of celebration. It's a time of grief and mourning. There are no upbeat words. There's nothing good about it, I promise you. You should always congratulate people on their live births, even if there's a complication. You should never do this in this situation. I'm not being shitty, I'm telling you how to never do something like this because it will never make parents in these situations feel better.

I know what I'm talking about. Trust me.

Listen, I realize I must have hit a nerve. I WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING, okay? Can we end it? 

[jaylea]

My friend lost her baby midway through her pregnancy.

I sent a card with a note telling them how very sorry we were for their loss, that we live them, that we were available for anything they needed, even if it was a middle on the night shoulder to cry on, and that we were thinking of them.

Then I called and listened for a long time. Months later she said she was really touched by it, so I think it was the right thing to do.

[winston]

May 22, 2013 10:16:32 GMT -5 rex said:

No, I will not congratulate her.

And I barely know them, but my H went to school with him and works with him and has met/spent time with the girlfriend quite a few times. We were all planning on spending more time together because our babies would be so close in age. But now, ugh.

I told my H if there was a funeral or anything I wouldn't go because I felt like that would be a slap in the face.

So does a card, a food gift card and my H bringing alcohol when he goes over sound like a good idea?

(((hugs)))

Yes. But it might be better for your H to meet his friend out somewhere. When we were dealing with this we had friends in a similar position to yours (we were due just two weks apart). My H went out for drinks with his friend, and that felt right for us. Like Violet, I was in no shape to deal with people for awhile. We were hermits, me more than him (especially because I still looked pregnant for a little while). Follow their lead on what they're up to.

I'm so sorry for your friend. This just sucks.

[jaylea]

*love them not live them

[winston]

May 22, 2013 10:21:41 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

May 22, 2013 10:20:13 GMT -5 winston said:

You suggested she send a card that says 'congratulations on your baby girl'. But that little girl is about to be terminated. There are no cards that say 'congratulations on your dead baby' for a reason - it's not a time of celebration. It's a time of grief and mourning. There are no upbeat words. There's nothing good about it, I promise you. You should always congratulate people on their live births, even if there's a complication. You should never do this in this situation. I'm not being shitty, I'm telling you how to never do something like this because it will never make parents in these situations feel better.

I know what I'm talking about. Trust me.

Listen, I realize I must have hit a nerve. I WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING, okay? Can we end it? 

*side eye*

Never do what you were describing, okay? You're welcome.