Listen, I realize I must have hit a nerve. I WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING, okay? Can we end it?
*side eye*
Never do what you were describing, okay? You're welcome.
For God's sake, winston. Let it go! And knock off the "side eye" shit. We know you've suffered, but be gentle with the people who have not been through your pain. Studytime made a good point, but it's not appropriate in this case.
I agree with skipping with the alcohol thing. Alcohol has its place, but this is not one of these instances. And I agree with grieving: the appetite goes away completely for several days. If you do take food, take meals that can be frozen and eaten later for when the appetite returns but you still don't feel like being out in public to go to the store.
Talking with, and listening to, a grieving person is quite therapeutic too.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Never do what you were describing, okay? You're welcome.
For God's sake, winston. Let it go! And knock off the "side eye" shit. We know you've suffered, but be gentle with the people who have not been through your pain. Studytime made a good point, but it's not appropriate in this case.
I agree with skipping with the alcohol thing. Alcohol has its place, but this is not one of these instances. And I agree with grieving: the appetite goes away completely for several days. If you do take food, take meals that can be frozen and eaten later for when the appetite returns but you still don't feel like being out in public to go to the store.
Talking with, and listening to, a grieving person is quite therapeutic too.
For God's sake, winston. Let it go! And knock off the "side eye" shit. We know you've suffered, but be gentle with the people who have not been through your pain. Studytime made a good point, but it's not appropriate in this case.
I agree with skipping with the alcohol thing. Alcohol has its place, but this is not one of these instances. And I agree with grieving: the appetite goes away completely for several days. If you do take food, take meals that can be frozen and eaten later for when the appetite returns but you still don't feel like being out in public to go to the store.
Talking with, and listening to, a grieving person is quite therapeutic too.
That was my last comment on it, but thanks
But I was just warming up!! (hot) I get a say too, yes?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
studytime45, I don't think you're totally off the mark. Congratulations, no. But I had a friend who knit teeny tiny pink booties and a hat for her memory box, and wrote me a long letter about how she knew that I had always wanted a little girl, and I was entitled to some pink stuff. It made me cry, but it's one of my most treasured keepsakes. It was huge for me to have people acknowledge that I am the mom of a daughter, even though she was born too early to live.
Everyone grieves differently. There's not just one right answer for how to help.
Post by magicbananas on May 22, 2013 10:54:19 GMT -5
studytime45 - I lost my son last year in a late term loss. I did deliver him, but he died as soon as he was born. I specifically requested no sad cards and I would have loved a card that recognized that he was real to me, rather than just lost. I understand exactly what you meant and why that card meant things to your family member.
Post by fivechickens on May 22, 2013 11:01:11 GMT -5
I would skip the card all together. Even the most heartfelt cards would tossed if it were me.
Food and offers to help in other ways. When my girls were in the NICU our neighbors mowed our lawn for us. It was very appreciated because we didn't have to think about those type of things. Offer thngs that you would not want to do in the same situation (food/house cleaning/yard work/etc).
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
My daughter was stillborn last fall, so our situation is a bit different but I would recommend food gift cards, alcohol if they drink, and some space. If they have other children, offer to take them for an outing to give the parents some space. We told friends not to send food as it would have gone to waste but a gift card would have allowed us to order out or go out after the initial loss when we were having a bad day. Jewelery is so personal, I am grateful no one bought me any it. Later I picked out a ring with her birthstone that is understated but personal to me.
Post by textbookcase on May 22, 2013 12:15:23 GMT -5
The same thing happened to my BFF years ago. It was a really rough time for her, obviously. I know she appreciated everything that let her know how much people loved and cared about her. I think food is a good idea in these situations. Gift cards. Maybe a "pamper" kind of gift box that you make up with fun things like magazines and nail polish, etc. that's just for her.
Post by adamantium on May 22, 2013 12:35:33 GMT -5
A card and gift card for a local place where they can pick something up. Also, an email in a week or so to check in would probably be appreciated. I have had a second trimester loss and a stillbirth, emails were the best way to communicate. I could talk or not talk without having to support other peoples emotions. Some people dropped off food which was nice but the gift cards were much better. We could use them later when we were having a down day.
I'm so sorry for your friend. The exact same thing happened to our friend last week. She was 6.5 months along, and tumors were found on the heart. It turns out that the baby had severe defects. To add insult to injury, a D&E is illegal in GA at that point in the pregnancy, so she and her husband had to fly to Maryland.
I went to a local farmer's market (owned by Whole Foods, but they have a lot more stuff than WF) and made a big gift basket. It has tea bags, trail mix, a few different types of chocolate bars, various types of candies (mostly chocolate), a few different types of drinks (a bottle of fizzy lemonade, some glass jars of different coffee drinks, a bottle of wine), a few delicious looking baked goods from the bakery, scented soaps, lotion, a Real Simple magazine and a sympathy card.
Post by speckledfrog on May 22, 2013 12:41:06 GMT -5
My former boss lost her adult son a few years ago and aside from food she also appreciated it when someone ran out and got a shitload of disposable cups/plates/silverware.
Make sure you reach out to them again in a few weeks/months. Lots of people will help now but in a few weeks they will feel lonely and forgotten. Send a card in the mail and call letting them know you were thinking of them and their angel.
I love the idea of a teddy bear or necklace, any sort of keepsake. My situation was different in that my daughter died as an infant but someone took a picture that I had of her and had a locket made from it.
Meals that can be frozen and reheated are good. They will likely not be up for eating the first few days, especially her. But it will be good to have stuff in the freezer when she is ready so she doesn't have to go to the market and cook.
I'm sorry for your friend. I agree a gc is good and that she'll want her space. We lost ours at 4 months in march and its still hard to see pregnant women. Especially those with close due dates to mine. It sounds like you have some good advice here.
Make sure you reach out to them again in a few weeks/months. Lots of people will help now but in a few weeks they will feel lonely and forgotten. Send a card in the mail and call letting them know you were thinking of them and their angel.
I was about to suggest this too. My SIL had a stillbirth and she said that all of the support happens in the first week or month. She said it was helpful that a friend called her to see how she was doing after a month, then 3 months, then 6 and on. I did that for my brother and his wife (different SIL) when they lost a baby. It can be hard and awkward to call about such a topic so far after the fact, but they seemed to really appreciate it. I know from personal experience that it can be hard when everyone goes back to normal and it feels like no one remembers anymore.
Post by bananapancakes on May 22, 2013 16:31:51 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your friend. When I miscarried last month, I had a friend stop by with a gift basket full of candy, chocolate, cookies, popcorn, tea, magazines, nail polish, a few girlie DVDs, a book, a couple pairs of cute underwear (I was complaining to her about having to wear "granny panties" because of the heavy bleeding), and a gift card to DQ. It was very much appreciated.