If you've dealt with a sibling with addictions, come here...

[Deleted]

I've mentioned before that my sister struggles with drug addiction. She has been in and out of jail and rehab. My mom currently has custody of two of her kids, her youngest is with her father.

I struggle a lot with my relationship with my mom at this point. My sister is currently living with my mom. Along with my nieces, who were removed from her care. She does not work, does not cook or clean at the house, does not go to meetings anymore and is still getting high. My mom is missing credit cards, missing an iPod, found a lockbox in my sister's room, etc. There is no doubt that she is not clean. And still my mom lets her stay there.

I refuse to be around my sister at this point and refuse to allow my children to be around her. She has done a lot of things directly to me over the years and my mom basically tells me that she has a disease and doesn't mean it. That I need to forgive her. I understand that this is her daughter and that it's hard for her to see her like this, hard for her to just throw her out on the street, etc. but... well, I am her daughter too. And even though I am a grown woman and this sounds ridiculous, I can't help but feel like she is essentially choosing her. My mom will not come to my house for a BBQ because I will not invite my sister.

So, I know this got pretty long, and there is a lot that I left out, but if you got this far and you have dealt with this, how? How do I not take it personally? How do I not lash out at my mom because I am so angry at her?

[angelaa73]

when you find out, let me know. My mom held my sister's hand all the way to hell, too. She is a classic enabler. IMO addicted to my sister's addiction. who the fuck knows. it's sad.

[ElizabethBennet]

I have no real advice. I second Al-Anon though.

H's sister is a recovering heroin addict and since we were 3k miles away at the worst of it he never had to deal with it too directly.

It's not an easy place to be and I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((hugs))

[JamaicanPineapple]

I just want to offer hugs. I was never strong enough to cut my sister completely out of my life. She's better now but the past still stings.

It's definitely a hard dynamic to navigate.

[ering1115]

It really is dependent on the situation. I don't have a sibling with issues but I grew up at my gmom's (w my mom) and her sister was similar to yours.

Its hard not to take it personally when you kind of are forced to. I would tell my mom how hurt I was and I would also give her the business for allowing sister to behave like that in front of her kids. I would tell my mom that I wouldn't see her anymore while she continues to enable sister and if you found out sister was using in the house that I would take the kids (if you are prepared to do so). There is a reason sister doesn't have custody and your mom is making her think her behavior is a-okay and she can still be near her kids.

I am a hard liner when it comes to addiction and kids based on my past experiences. I can elaborate if you need me to. One of my biggest regrets was rushing into my aunts house and taking her 2-3 y/o daughter out while she was passed out. If I had just called and waited for the cops we could have gotten custody and saved YEARS of heartache.

Another great, and seemingly under utilized, resource is Al-Anon. I have encouraged DH and his siblings to go and I went to a teen group to handle some of the residual issues I had w/r/t my dad overdosing when I was a kid.

Good luck!

[lilybug]

Not my sister, but my extended family is rife with addiction. One aunt is very involved in al-anon, and it's been very helpful. It all sucks, I'm sorry.

[Deleted]

May 22, 2013 10:28:19 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

What is her drug of choice? Is she keeping illegal substances at your mom's house? B/c that has to stop, period, if your mom has her children there.

Have you tried Al-Anon? I think it might really help you.

What does your mom say when you tell her these things?

I honestly don't even know anymore. It used to be pills. Percoets and the like. I believe it's more than that now. My mom found a needle out back behind the shed.

Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she gets really defensive. Tells me how she knows I'm right but she won't kick her daughter out on the street. We used to have such a good relationship, now I don't talk to her much at all.

I think it's time to look into counseling or Al-Anon because I am sitting here crying at my desk again. 

[angelaa73]

I did the same thing as que. my mom kept hiding behind the "I don't want her babies on the street!" bitch,please. they would be better off in the system than with a drugged out mom who lets RANDOM FREAKING PEOPLE IN HER HOUSE ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT!

so, eventually the state did get involved. my nephew spent the last semester of his senior year in a what's it called... foster house and my youngest nephew went to live with his paternal grandma.

my mom is now all alone as my sister obviously doesn't need her and has moved on to finding people to use / drugs to buy.

sad

[sparkythelawyer]

I HIGHLY recommend you check out Al-Anon.

I am so sorry that you have to live with this. I am so sorry that your mom is choosing the "easy" way, because she'd rather do that than kick her daughter out. It sucks all around.

[pinkflats]

My BIL is a serious drug addict as well. My H has been through the ringer with him in the last five years or so.

H's mom died about 10 years while BIL was still in high school. BIL lived with their step father until he graduated and left for college. Within about 3 months of being in college he began to experiment with various drugs with the kids he played on the college's basketball team with. He made it through the first basketball season with the school and dropped out after that because his drug use had become too severe to KOKO with school.

For a handful of reasons H found himself in control of BIL's inheritance 5ish years ago. That was the start of the downward spiral of H's relationship with him. We lived about 5 hours from BIL at the time and he called one night and said he had driven to town and H needed to give him all of his money at that moment. BIL was 19 years old at the time and had been an addict for about 18 months or so, we knew what he wanted the money for (approx $10k). H didn't give him all of it, only about $800 at the time, but this situation happened numerous times where he would show up on our doorstep screaming and yelling and threatening to kill my H, H was done, he couldn't do it anymore, he gave him the rest of his money and cut him off about a year later.

BIL has been in rehab twice, failed twice because he refuses to do any aftercare. He has a daughter who he rarely sees and whom he almost killed in an car accident about a year ago while driving under the influence. The baby's mother is engaged to someone else and BIL went to their church about a month ago and attempted to kill her fiance in the parking lot of their church by strangling him. Two weeks ago his was stabbed seven times and had a bottle of liquor broken over his head. He is clearly still using and still so deeply embedded in that lifestyle, there is no denying that. Still, H's father fully supports BIL and his lifestyle. He keeps buying him cars after he wrecks them or sells them for a quick fix. He gives him money, a roof over his head, food, pays his bills, etc.

H has pretty much cut them both off entirely. We've seen BIL three times since our son was born 18 months ago, all at family reunions. We don't see or associate with him outside of those gatherings. H has been through too much with him to go back to being verbally and physically abused. As for H's dad, H has made it clear that until he stops enabling him he will never get the help he needs because he won't ever hit rock bottom. H's dad doesn't really seem to mind he is being taken for everything he has, so H has cut him out of his life too. It's just too much toxicity to deal with and you can't force anyone to help themself unless they are ready. These people aren't ready to get help, so there's not really anything left to do. If you don't feel you can be around it, don't be. It's a hard pill to swallow and it's easier said than done, but you can do it, I promise you. Like LHC said al-anon is probably a step in the right direction here. It helps, it really does.

And that's my novel, I'm sorry it's so long.

[angelaa73]

dayum, pinkflats.

hugs to all of you dealing with addiction in your family. sucks, man

[aprilsails]

I would suggest that you look into attending al-anon and also that your Mom attend with you.

When my brother lived at home he was a textbook addict. He stole, he lied, he denied, he blamed my parents. Eventually he crossed a line with my Mom (I still don't know what he did) and he was out on his ass. He actually disappeared for a bit and no one could contact him. He then showed up one day asking to be entered into a methadone treatment program. My parents helped him find a place to live and helped him arrange rides to work and to the treatment. It's been hard work but we're a year through the process and things are steadily improving.

The big difference I see here is that your Mom has her hands tied while she's taking care of your sister's children. I am certain that it breaks her heart to imagine separating her daughter from her own kids. She needs to reach a point where she realizes that until your sister can get her life in order the children may be better off without her.

With respect to the jealousy and the difference in treatment, my experiences with my brother showed pretty clearly that life isn't fair - especially for the parents. They can't choose you over her right now. They're trapped with dealing with her.

Your attitude of it's her or me is not helping. At various times in my life I have HATED my brother. I'm still not his biggest fan but I know that the only way he can improve is if the family approaches his issues together.

Your Mom may be scared to leave her at home alone during the evening. She also may think your attitude is unfair. It's hard. Don't hold resentment against your Mom. She didn't choose to be in this place either and it all may be more than she can take right now.

[auntie]

I also suggest Al_Anon. 

You need the clarity from others to make the choices you need to make for your own sanity.

Your mother has made her choice. I would suggest you let your mother live with the choice she has made to put yours sister ahead or you and ahead of her grandchildren in this. You might contact CPS to see if your mother is violating the terms of her custody to have an addict living with the children for whom she is legally responsible.

You may have to compartmentalize your relationship with your mom or perhaps even stp back for a while. 

[flex]

First of all I suggest you stop engaging with your mom when she talks about "saving" your sister and all. Just tell her that you don't want to hear about it and re-direct the conversation. Let her know you love her,etc., but you do not agree with her choice to enable your sister--and then leave it at that. Don't berate her about it--it's her choice and she has the right to choose to enable your sister.

In the meantime, let's talk about you. Clearly your resentment towards your sister and your mom is affecting you negatively. I HIGHLY suggest you check out Al-Anon. It's a program available for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts. You need help dealing with your anger. You'll be able to talk to people who know EXACTLY what you're going through.

My mom has enabled my whacko sister FOR YEARS! Many years ago I started calling my mom on her behavior when she would start moaning and whining about how my sister was treating her. I would encourage her to stop falling for my sister's BS, and then my mom would get defensive and tell me she didn't want to hear what I had to say. At that point, I would tell her then that I didn't want to hear her complain about my sister. So now she doesn't. I will ask her how my sister (whose health is rapidly failing)is doing, and she'll tell me, but she doesn't complain about her anymore.

After the way my sister has treated my mom, I've VOWED never to let my grown children manipulate or take advantage of me, and I've held true to that. When my eldest DS was out there "runnin' and gunnin'" with his drug and alcohol abuse, I stayed out of it: I didn't lecture him and I didn't enable him either. Finally, when he got old enough, and had gone through enough crap (being arrested, etc., etc.), I approached him and asked him if he was ready to stop. And if he was ready to stop, I'd be more than happy to find him an "easier solution". He agreed, and I took him to his very first AA meeting in 2009. He didn't get sober right away, but it did plant the seed. Next Tuesday, he'll be celebrating three years of sobriety.

There's ALWAYS hope for your sister and your mom. Always.

[ering1115]

Flex- you are a great mom for helping your son like that. Good for both of you.

[wambam]

I feel ya.

My sister is a prescription drug addict (Dilaudid, mostly). I had to emotionally distance myself from her and her whole family as well as my mother, who is a serious enabler. I have to keep things surface-level and that seems to protect me from most of the collateral damage.

I'm so sorry

[Deleted]

Are the kids placed with your mom through DCFS?

[Deleted]

Thank you all.

I just looked up local Al-Anon meetings and am going to give it a shot. Can't hurt, right?

[flex]

May 22, 2013 11:06:02 GMT -5 ering1115 said:

Flex- you are a great mom for helping your son like that. Good for both of you.

He's a good guy.  I knew he would "get it" eventually.  

[flex]

May 22, 2013 11:29:20 GMT -5 twostep said:

Thank you all.

I just looked up local Al-Anon meetings and am going to give it a shot. Can't hurt, right?

It will not hurt!!  lol

Also, if you go to an Al-Anon meeting and you don't like the ambiance, try another one until you get a good "fit".

[curtains]

((((Hugs Twostep)))) You'll be ok, I promise... Al-Anon is a life saver.

[Deleted]

The way I understand it is that my mom has legal and physical custody but my sister is entitled to visitation at my mom's discretion so I don't know that she is "technically" breaking any sort of order.

I need to just step away. I know that. I cut all ties with my sister almost 3 years ago when she showed up at my DD's Baptism high as a kite. I don't speak to her and only see her at my mom's house. Usually she just hides in the basement when I come over. It's my mom that is hurting me right now and I need to find a way to not let it.

[hopecounts]

Does your Mom realize that if CPS finds out your sister is living there and is using the kids can be removed from her care?
AlAnon should be a big help in dealing with how this affects you.
And it is OK to accept that it's just too unhealthy for you to be a part of and cut tied or limit them further.

[hopecounts]

Entitled to visitation is different from living with them and depending on the order this could be a violation, certainly if the visitation is to be supervised this likely violates the order.

[textbookcase]

Al Anon is a good suggestion, although I need to take this suggestion myself. I've dealt with an addicted sibling for the past 16 or so years. My parents are also alcoholics and enablers for my brother. It's rough. (((hugs)))

[karmasabiotch]

My sister is an alcoholic and pill addict. I used to enable her by now I'm more of a support person. We don't have other family other than our kids. She hasn't ever been in legal trouble so maybe it's not as hard for me. I'm not angry with her when she uses, I just get sad and disapointed. I feel like this will be life long since she once went 11 years without using and recently went about 2 years and just relapsed last week and drank for 1 day. I feel like it's a disease and I feel bad for her kids. Her ex-h is clueless when it comes to parenting and she has always been a very good Mom. It wasn't until last week that her kids ever saw her under the influence.

[kate4924]

Do you think she is keeping drugs in the lock box? Also, why doesn't she have a job? I have a cousin who has been in and out of trouble due to drugs, and one of the conditions of his last probation was that he HAD TO be employed...

Good for you for keeping your kids away. I know it can be hard to draw those lines in the sand, and stick to them when other people get on your case about it (my aunt used to do the same thing to us). it's easier said then done, I know. What helped me was... well, it's hard to explain. I just sort of forced myself to change my mindset, and to refuse to let things bother me (much. I'd be lying if I said they NEVER bothered me) if your mom won't come to your house because you won't invite your sister...that's her decision. She's an adult, and adults can make their own decisions. Just like YOU are an adult, and can make the decision that your sister isn't welcome at your house. I don't mean that to sound snarky. It's just that thinking things through that way has helped me a lot, in regards to not letting others make me feel guilty about the bounderies I have set for myself and my family.