I think my brother is an alcoholic

[montereybride]

Both you and she can go to Al-Anon. You can both also call the cops on him whenever he drives drunk. You can bring up your concerns to him which could either really be taken to heart or piss him off.

A DUI could help facilitate getting him into a first offender class. Were there any charges stemming from the fight?

[shopgirl07]

Honestly, I would advise her to get a job and be prepared to be financially independent. He obviously has a problem and she needs to take control of her situation. I don't have any advice on his drinking but I do know it's a bad idea for her to be dependent on him.

[studytime45]

Does he drive his son around whilst drunk?

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry.

My first suggestion is for you to give Al-Anon a try. Loving an alcoholic is hard. If his gf is willing, it might be good for her too, although it's worth noting Al-Anon isn't for everyone. (I haven't personally found the right group myself.)

But ultimately until your brother is willing to admit there is a problem, there is nothing you can do other than choose not to enable him.

[flex]

May 26, 2013 15:50:46 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

I'm so sorry.

My first suggestion is for you to give Al-Anon a try. Loving an alcoholic is hard. If his gf is willing, it might be good for her too, although it's worth noting Al-Anon isn't for everyone. (I haven't personally found the right group myself.)

But ultimately until your brother is willing to admit there is a problem, there is nothing you can do other than choose not to enable him.

Underwater is wise.  He has to understand if he is a true alcoholic he cannot control his drinking--no matter how hard he tries.  You can't do much for him except to call him on his bad behavior, and to be there for him if he does decide to seek help.  

[underwaterrhymes]

letsgetweird - Sense has very little to do with it. When someone is an alcoholic, they do all kinds of shit you wouldn't expect them to do. Don't count on him not driving his son around while he's drunk. He may very well not be, but when an alcoholic drinks they do and say things they would never do and say when they're not drinking.

[underwaterrhymes]

It sucks, lgw. I'm really sorry.

Both of my parents are alcoholics. My dad is in AA and is 5 years sober.

My mom is still struggling. So I get it.

[flex]

May 26, 2013 16:19:15 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

May 26, 2013 16:14:18 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

It sucks, lgw. I'm really sorry.

Both of my parents are alcoholics. My dad is in AA and is 5 years sober.

My mom is still struggling. So I get it.

I just don't know where this is coming from. Why does he feel the need to drink?

I guess it's a genetic. My dad's mother was an alcoholic, she died at 42 from liver failure. There are also drug addicts in our extended family.

It is probably IS genetic.  And the reason why he drinks when he really shouldn't be is so he can get out of his own head for a little while.  Or it's possible HE doesn't know why he has the need to drink.  And he probably thinks he can stop at any time but he doesn't want to stop...yet.  

I was 27 when my life totally came apart because of my drinking (and I had two children at the time), so it may be he's not at the point of surrender yet.  Until he reaches that point, he's going to keep doing what he's doing.

At any rate, don't waste your time trying to figure him out.  I highly suggest you look into Al-Anon to deal with your own emotions with your brother.  ((hugs))
 

[underwaterrhymes]

To try and figure out the reason an alcoholic is an alcoholic is futile. In my dad's case, I do believe genetics play a role. His mom was an alcoholic, as was his sister before they both passed away. (His mom was drunk and fell asleep smoking a cigarette and burned the house down and his sister died of lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. ETA - his dad was an alcoholic too, and left the family when my dad was very young.)

My mom is just very sad, I think, and hasn't realized yet that alcohol takes away from her far more than it gives.

[pinkplasticdoll]

May 26, 2013 16:43:35 GMT -5 @theycalledherkate said:

Brother or not, if I knew he was driving drunk I would call the cops and report him and his plates. Not worth putting others' lives at risk.

Did you even read the thread past the original post? She stated that she would call the police if she KNEW when he was driving drunk but she does not know until after the fact. 

[MixedBerryJam]

May 26, 2013 16:28:21 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

To try and figure out the reason an alcoholic is an alcoholic is futile. In my dad's case, I do believe genetics play a role. His mom was an alcoholic, as was his sister before they both passed away. (His mom was drunk and fell asleep smoking a cigarette and burned the house down and his sister died of lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. ETA - his dad was an alcoholic too, and left the family when my dad was very young.)

My mom is just very sad, I think, and hasn't realized yet that alcohol takes away from her far more than it gives.

No alcoholic will take that first step until he or she realizes that bolded part. I'm sorry OP (and you, underwaterrhymes, and all the others in this post) are struggling with this issue. I absolutely believe ... except "believe" isn't the right word, "know" is ... that I have a physical, chemical, biological thing going on in my brain that predisposes me to addictive behaviors, alcohol included.Even though for years I thought I was pretty harmless, my husband didn't see it that way when I'd be "charming" (translate: falling down drunk) at his office parties and neighborhood cookouts. All the cajoling, threatening, begging, pleading, my husband did never got me to stop. Even my own wanting to stop wasn't enough to stop ... I am too embarrassed to tell you how many times I'd give up alcohol for Lent, only to make it mayyyyybe 6, 10, 14 days before I'd decide I had learned whatever lesson God wanted me to learn this Lent and I could open a bottle of wine now. I wish I could tell you the "trick" that got me sober (if I could, I'd bottle it and sell it and be a gazillionaire) but what I can tell you that, here I am, nine years sober this fall, and I still sometimes have to make the conscious decision, "No, I won't drink today."

All you can really do is be there when your brother decides for himself that enough is enough. If and when he makes that decision, he's got a long, hard slog ahead of him. (A lifelong one, but you don't have to tell him that in so many words!) Al-Anon is an excellent resource for you and his gf if she's amenable -- if you two are close maybe you can go together -- for the cameraderie and for the empathy you'll get, and for the practical tools and skills you'll learn to deal with your brother in a healthy way for all of you, baby included. Good luck to all of you.

[snickers]

You cannot help those who do not want help or see a problem with their behavior.
I am sorry you are being put into this mess
If you know or see that he is drunk driving, you need to call the police.

[flex]

May 26, 2013 17:33:33 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

May 26, 2013 16:28:21 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

To try and figure out the reason an alcoholic is an alcoholic is futile. In my dad's case, I do believe genetics play a role. His mom was an alcoholic, as was his sister before they both passed away. (His mom was drunk and fell asleep smoking a cigarette and burned the house down and his sister died of lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. ETA - his dad was an alcoholic too, and left the family when my dad was very young.)

My mom is just very sad, I think, and hasn't realized yet that alcohol takes away from her far more than it gives.

No alcoholic will take that first step until he or she realizes that bolded part. I'm sorry OP (and you, underwaterrhymes, and all the others in this post) are struggling with this issue. I absolutely believe ... except "believe" isn't the right word, "know" is ... that I have a physical, chemical, biological thing going on in my brain that predisposes me to addictive behaviors, alcohol included.Even though for years I thought I was pretty harmless, my husband didn't see it that way when I'd be "charming" (translate: falling down drunk) at his office parties and neighborhood cookouts. All the cajoling, threatening, begging, pleading, my husband did never got me to stop. Even my own wanting to stop wasn't enough to stop ... I am too embarrassed to tell you how many times I'd give up alcohol for Lent, only to make it mayyyyybe 6, 10, 14 days before I'd decide I had learned whatever lesson God wanted me to learn this Lent and I could open a bottle of wine now. I wish I could tell you the "trick" that got me sober (if I could, I'd bottle it and sell it and be a gazillionaire) but what I can tell you that, here I am, nine years sober this fall, and I still sometimes have to make the conscious decision, "No, I won't drink today."

All you can really do is be there when your brother decides for himself that enough is enough. If and when he makes that decision, he's got a long, hard slog ahead of him. (A lifelong one, but you don't have to tell him that in so many words!) Al-Anon is an excellent resource for you and his gf if she's amenable -- if you two are close maybe you can go together -- for the cameraderie and for the empathy you'll get, and for the practical tools and skills you'll learn to deal with your brother in a healthy way for all of you, baby included. Good luck to all of you.

MBJ:  that is an AWESOME accomplishment!!  Kudos to you!!  (((hugs)))