I'm trying not to dwell in the negative but...

[silva]

I'm really starting to think that I'm not meant to have a 2nd kid.

Quick summary: Lost baby around 6 weeks which was discovered at my first appointment. Had D&C in late January. Never got my period after.  May 1st went in have a HSG only to discover I had a 2 cm mass in uterus. They extracted it during the HSG and it was determined to be old menstrual blood. Dr. thinks that I had scarring over my cervix and cervical stenosis thus blocking anything from coming out.  Dr. hoped that the HSG helped open my cervix and that solved the problem. Told to wait for my period to come.

Yesterday and today I had all the symptoms of my period starting. Cramping, acne, that dull/buzz feeling you get as if you can feel your lining shredding (sorry). Classic symptoms happening here and yet nothing.

I don't know what the purpose of writing this is really. I guess it's a vent.

I'm tired of going to the dr. I'm scared of making any decision on what to do next with which dr. (reg ob or fertility specialist). I'm angry at my self for choosing the D&C. I'm old. I feel like my window is closing. I feel like this is a sign and maybe I need to listen to it and decide that we are done trying.

and now I'm crying.

thanks for letting me vent.

[julez]

Silva, I'm so sorry. Sending you lots of love.

[silva]

Thank you LC. It's not only that because if this problem persists, I can't have months of period just sitting in my uterus. So whatever we decide, I still have to solve that problem.

[sonrisa]

((hugs))

[Deleted]

It isn't a sign. It really isn't.

[saraandmichael]

silva =(

i just want to give you a huge hug.

xo

[vicky]

oh silva ((Hugs))

[silva]

I'm 38 will be 39 in November.

It's just hard for me to not understand how it can not be a sign. I don't know if it's karma, or what but I can't understand why this is happening and I know it's hard to understand. I just wish I could naturally see it in a different way like how others do. you know?

[silva]

Thank you, everyone.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry silva. It has to be really hard to not have the answers that you want and deserve.

Big hugs

[Jalapeñomel]

(((hugs)))) I know that this has been such a difficult journey for you. I hope that you can find peace in whatever happens.

(((((a million hugs)))))

[fuckyourcouch]

i'm so sorry you're going through this. big hugs and i hope you are able to get some answers and find peace for yourself.

[silva]

May 30, 2013 11:28:59 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

I'm sorry, silva. I hope everything works out and you find peace with whatever happens.
I find that i try to look for signs more when I am upset vs. okay. I think it's the brain trying to cope or make sense of things.

That makes sense.  We never really reflect on that sort of thing when things are going your way. Thank you.

[Deleted]

Because it is all tied together. This isn't a new issue. So it is not like 50 bad things all happened. This is just a further manifestation of the same bad thing. So it isn't a sign, it is a continuing obstacle. Whether that makes it better I don't know, but it is not a sign. I am sorry. You aren't that old. I'm 35 and don't even have one!

[luckyval]

silva, I'm really sorry honey

[rex]

I don't believe in signs.

Go to the doctor. It sounds like it is all connected, and hopefully she can figure this out and you will end up with a baby.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, Silva.

[silva]

I plan to contact one of the two doctors. My ob at first I was really confident with her but with that recent HSG I was really taken aback as to how lost she seemed...like she didn't know what she was doing.

The problem with the other is I'm not sure what if anything will be covered since he specializes in fertility and our insurance is very limited to what they cover.

I plan to give it a few more days and will call on Monday.

I appreciate the thoughts and explanations as to why you don't see it as a sign. Again, reading that perspective really helps me snap back and focus on the day.

*hugs*

[angelaa73]

How in the hell would this be karma?

No!

[bugandbibs]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[silva]

angelaa73, I don't know. lol. I would hope that I bring good things to the world, but I'm not perfect. Nobody is.

bugandbibs Thank you. I love your dog. We had a great pyr, he was so awesome.

[littlesthobo]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Is a different ob an option? Like, not the one you last went to and not the fertility doc, just a different ob to get their opinion on what you should do next?

[pinkeggs]

I'm sorry. I don't think it's a sign, either. You can still have your happy ending, you just might have a few extra pages to get there.

[Moe]

Hugs, dear kind and gentle friend.  I'm so sorry.  I'm thinking if you all. 

[mrsukyankee]

Sending lots of hugs. Fertility issues are so tough to deal with. Sending you peace.

[vanillacourage]

I'm sorry silva, hang in there.

[KKD]

I'm so sorry, silva. I feel a little guilty since I know I advocated for the D&C based on my own experience, and I hate that it could have caused any more complications for you. It is NOT a sign, so please don't give up hope.

[silva]

May 30, 2013 13:43:18 GMT -5 KKD said:

I'm so sorry, silva. I feel a little guilty since I know I advocated for the D&C based on my own experience, and I hate that it could have caused any more complications for you. It is NOT a sign, so please don't give up hope.

Please don't feel that way.   It was my decision, I was leaning that way and I realize there is NO way I would have known this would have happened. If anything it's just a lesson that I can't dwell on the what ifs when I make big decisions, you know.

I'm not giving up...it's just a moment of much self pity when I feel like I can't get a break.

[fivechickens]

Hi! I felt like you did at one time while I was trying to get pregnant. I had 2 miscarriages and had so much crap happen between the miscarriages that I was convinced that they were signs after signs telling me that I was not meant to get pregnant. I even found out that I had to get vaccinated AGAIN for MMR because my vaccine from when I was little wore off or didn't take (I don't know how to explain it) so I had to put off TTC for 3 months after.

At that point I thought I the signs were loud and clear but for some reason I forged on. Three months after I was able to start TTC again I got pregnant with my triplets. I was 38 at the time.

So I get how you feel but, no, these are not signs they are just bumps in the road. AND NO!!! You are not old.

[snickers]

I'm so sorry.
I hope your period is just a little bit off because of the HSG and it arrives soon so you can get onto baby making. This is not a sign, this is just a curve ball.