Help with my friend who lost her dad

[hass2001]

I know some of you ladies have lost a parent, and I would appreciate your opinions.

My very dear friend lost her dad today after an ugly battle with cancer. She was very close with him. She lives about 5 hours from me (her dad/family lives here). What can I do? I feel like I want to send her flowers or something. Is that dumb? I don't know if I should call or text or email or what.

[muppetinma]

When my mom died, I appreciated a heart-felt e-mail. It was there when I had time to get to it, but I didn't have to feel bad about not answering the phone right away. Send your condolences. Let her know you're there if she needs anything. (And not that you would, but don't EVER pull the "I know what you're going through" card) Then I'd follow up with an actual card to her, and her family if you are close to them.

[hass2001]

She is on her way up here. Ill be seeing her this week/weekend I'm sure. And I will go to the funeral Friday. Should I bring something to the funeral?

[sunshineluv]

My BFF sent me a teddy bear when my dad passed. It was gift wrapped when it arrived, (a gund brand bear). I love that bear and it was such a sweet gesture. I mean I got tons of flowers and food from other people, so this stood out. She sent a similar one to my sister. Gah, I am tearing up writing this. We named the bear Jimbo and now DS plays with him (I was pregnant when he passed).

But also text, just let her know you are there for her.

[rxbeth]

One of my friends sent me a cookiegram. She was living across the country and couldn't make it and I still remember that basket of cookies. I didn't want flowers, personally.

[skwcm80]

When my dad passed, in the immediate days I preferred text messages. I really didn't feel talking to people for awhile.

[Deleted]

My dad passed away on vacation so I went to Vegas where he had a heart attack and later passed I appreciated texts or emails I ended up staying in Eva's a few extra days just to be alone and I'm so glad I did as the Ammount of people at the funeral was overwhelming

[hass2001]

Thanks for all the feedback. I get so awkward about this stuff. It's like I don't want to be overbearing but I don't want to seem insensitive either.

[Deleted]

My best friend lost her mother last year. She didn't feel like talking on the phone and they didn't have a funeral as her mother didn't want one. I send a card, texted and sent a potted flower (one of the kinds that don't die right away).

I think whatever you do will be okay.

[cat19]

What I appreciated most was people who knew the deal just being there. Honestly. It was nice to see people turn out, especially this time of year - I mean his wake was on Father's Day. That was rough. As far as items went, a friend sent a breakfast gift basket with english muffins, jams, things that could be just eaten and not really dealt with. Grab and go but really tasty. It was different and made it easy in the mornings when all of us weren't thinking about what we were eating as long as we could shove something in our faces - we are stress eaters. Hugs to your friend.

[devonpow]

My good friend lost her dad to cancer earlier this year - he has cancer and was in hospice and it was just devastating for her. I just tried to listen to her as much as I could - we would spend a long time on the phone without me saying much of all, but I think it helped. She was struggling with keeping normalcy for the kids, so we set up a lot of play dates, etc. to help her out.

While she was away for the funeral we went into her place (I have a key) to clean, drop off food and flowers, and I got her a copy of the children's book "The Heart and the Bottle", which is a lovely book that I think very apt for adults who have lost a parent. Then a few months later when she said she wanted to do sonething concrete to help honor her dad, we signed up and did the Avon Breast Cancer walk together, raising money and walking in his name.

Obviously not all these things are applicable, especially since you live far away. I say the best thing to do is reach out and listen. Sometimes my friend really wanted to talk, but NOT about her dad. Just check in and be there, and feel out what it is she needs.

[tennisgal]

You could offer to bring some food to the wake/visitation. The funeral home where my dads was had a family room off the back where we could step away for a few minutes. Some friends/family brought some snacks and beverages. You get hungry and thirsty talking to so many people.

[tennisgal]

Another thing you could offer is to stay at her house or her mom's house during the wake or funeral. Unfortunately there are scumbags out there that case the obituaries and rob people that they know will be at the funeral or wake. It happened to a lady in our church. They robbed the lady's house who had died. Our funeral home suggested to have someone at the house of anyone who was listed in the obituary.

[orriskitten]

I really appreciated emails and people checking in a few days after everything had "finished." A lot of people who have lost a patent have shared that they felt overwhelmed by huge amounts of people at the funeral and then nothing a few days after. A quick "how are you doing? Need anything?" Text a few days after was wonderful, I didn't feel forgotten.

I also appreciated a fruit/cheese plate and pre packaged stuff gift basket. Something that won't go bad.

If you visit and see they got a lot of fruit, see if you can find a cheap juicer. DH and I had to buy one because we had so much fruit lol.

[Deleted]

First, I'm sorry for your friends loss.
I hated flowers, they died too. My favorite thing was a bag of candy and a bottle of Malibu that my friend brought me.
I agree with everyone else, text or email. I didn't want to talk to anyone when my mom died, I hated being asked how I was and I wanted to punch anyone who said they knew how I felt.

I think it is sweet that you want to be there for her. Just let her know you are there if she needs anything.


Sent from my AT300 using proboards

[browneyedhunni85]

DH said the smell of flowers remind him of when his sister passed. I wouldn't send flowers. I think a nice card would be nice.

[skwcm80]

Jun 1, 2013 8:34:00 GMT -5 orriskitten said:

I really appreciated emails and people checking in a few days after everything had "finished." A lot of people who have lost a patent have shared that they felt overwhelmed by huge amounts of people at the funeral and then nothing a few days after. A quick "how are you doing? Need anything?" Text a few days after was wonderful, I didn't feel forgotten.

I also appreciated a fruit/cheese plate and pre packaged stuff gift basket. Something that won't go bad.

If you visit and see they got a lot of fruit, see if you can find a cheap juicer. DH and I had to buy one because we had so much fruit lol.

This! My dad's brothers have done an excellent job checking on us. My dad passed away in January, and I got a call just last week from my uncle asking how I'm doing.