Dealing with H's job stress...advice?

[redlipstick]

Hey everyone,

New to the boards but was looking for some advice..

We're stationed in Germany, married about a year. My husband is an XO and is pretty much never home. He works all the time, he's constantly stressed, and when he is home he's so spent from his job he pretty much has nothing left to give me.

i feel like I can't talk to him about any problems that I have (relationship wise or anything else) because he sees it as just another problem that he doesn't have the energy to deal with. After some long drawn out fights I've just stopped bringing anything up because it's not worth it.

So in a nutshell, is this normal? Is it going to get better? I'm trying to be understanding of what he's going through, and in the past insisting that he meet my needs has not gone over well and has just led to a lot of resentment for both of us. Any advice from someone's who's been at this army wife thing longer than me? Should I speak up or just stick it out til he changes jobs or the stress calms down?

for what it's worth, he's a very caring guy, not prone to being a jerk and is very loving. This job has just put him through the ringer. It doesn't help that being OCONUS can sometimes be a very lonely and frustrating experience.

[beans]

I'm an "Air Force wife," not an "Army wife" but I'll try to help anyway

My H has been really stressed at a couple bases/jobs he's been at, and at one point was so stressed and exhausted all the time, he started being really snippy and taking it out on me (for those of you who know H or anything about him, you know this is SUPER SUPER out of character for him, because he's really laid back and caring, supportive, etc). I was noticing this and so while we were doing something really non-confrontational and had nothing to do with anything even minority connected to anything stressful (taking our dog for a walk actually), with no recent previous fighting to help avoid him or I being overly defensive, I brought it up in a "I'm actually just really concerned about this, this is what I've noticed and it's really out of character for you" sort of way. I made it clear I WASNT trying to harp on him for taking things out on me, or being stressed, and I made it clear I wanted to help him. But I also made it clear that it wasn't fair to take it out on me either. Venting, complaining - ok. Being a jerk? No, even if its unintentional and he's apologetic later. He really took that conversation to heart and it helped immensely. I was able to help him, and he was able to find better ways to deal with all the stress he was dealing with.

The more conversations you have about this in a way that are going to put him on the defensive and make him feel like he can't do anything right and is failing, the less effective the conversations are going to be. I would suggest doing something like I did, and try to find a way to talk to him outside a stressful time, in a very non-judgmental and open way, emphasizing that you understand his stress, but also that you need certain things, too. Maybe you guys can come up with activities to do together during times when he is not stressed as much (days off, weekends, etc) and also help him find ways to deal with the stress, because its not just going to go away on its own.

I will say though, that some days I can relate to where your H is at, with regard to the being too spent from his job to do much of anything at home thing. My friend once told me her H came home one day and said "Honey, I love you, but I used all my words today and I don't have any left" in a way to explain he just needed to be alone for a bit. I have used that line many a time with H after a hard day, and he gets it. Usually, I would spend some time decompressing doing nothing, reading, on the computer, or just zoning out in front of the TV, and then I could be more renewed to talk about stuff with my H. But if he had pushed me to talk about stuff when I was already at max stress capacity? No way, I would have shut down completely. So in this regard, it might be helpful for you guys to have a talk and discuss what your needs are (again, talking when you're not fighting about anything), how you communicate effectively, how can you help each other out (give space, don't, whatever) because I have a feeling you're probably not on the same page with how you both do that on an individual level.

[NomadicMama]

I can not add anything of substance to what beans just shared because it is spot on.

I can share from the perspective of living in Germany.  Have you been able to build a life for yourself here?  Do you work outside the home?  It doesn't sound like you have kids yet--not a judgement, just a statement (I was 37 years old when I had our son).  Have you been able to find a friend or group of friends?  I know that some wives end up in a stay-at-home situation here because jobs can be difficult to come by.  It also makes things harder with your husband because not only is he "your person", but he becomes "your only person".  And, when he comes home at the end of the day, already spent, it is difficult for you.  I'm not suggesting to ignore the situation that your DH is in, but kind of like a deployment, the busier you are, the more full your life is, ideally, the happier you will be.

I'm sorry things are so stressful for your husband right now.  I hope that things get better.  And you are right.  Living abroad can be lonely and frustrating.  Everything is just a little bit more difficult.  I am enjoying our time here, but occasionally, I just want to be able to read billboards, ask a simple question and drive-thru a Starbucks!

Oh, and I have found that situations tend to change more frequently in military life because of the constant moves.  Even if your DH's job doesn't change soon, maybe somebody above him will PCS and the incoming person mix things up--hopefully for the better.

Hang in there!

[amaristella]

The XO's that I have known (Navy) have had some very difficult tours. One guy ended up on blood pressure medications. He was able to stop them within weeks of the end of his tour. It was an extremely stressful couple of years for that family, but things did improve massively at the end of his tour. I've known some other guys too, that despite not going on deployment, their young children barely knew them and had to go to marriage counseling because their spouse felt like their relationship was disappearing. The counseling really helped them!

DH just finished a somewhat stressful tour and the issue we had was sort of funny. Because DH would try to "switch off" and leave work at work when he came home. But then he didn't ever want to talk. Not about anyone or anything from work. So that meant he wasn't venting to anyone. Not even to me, so he was holding on to the negative energy and it was affecting us anyway. Towards the end I finally managed to explain this all to him and things changed a little bit. But again, a change in the pace of things at his job and the end of the tour are what really helped us. We've also been using a self-help book to work through some personal issues that we each have and I think it's helping the way that we relate to each and respond to life in general.

If I were you I would definitely try to find a calm time (I know, this may be a challenge) when your husband isn't already spent to let him know how you're feeling. Try to acknowledge his feelings too. See if you can bring up counseling. You may have to try to find a counselor who keeps really late hours in order to be able to go. I don't think it's fair to you to keep everything all bottled up until the end of the tour but I do want to reassure you that things can improve once the tour is over. I don't suppose there's a chance of him taking any vacation? Even just a few days can be a relief.

[iluvmytxrgr]

I would suggest talking to an Army Family Life Consultant. I would also check and see if your husband's unit or the post where you are stationed is offering any marriage retreats. We have attended several and plan to attend another this year. They have been great for us and our marriage.