Gahhh what to do??

[elleb]

I called my STBXH recently and he had a bit of a breakdown. Before said phone call, all he would do was yell and say stupid or hurtful things when we would try and talk about things. So I haven't talked to him in a few weeks. Papers haven't been filed yet because my attorney advised me that it would be easier if we could come to an agreement about the house (our only asset together) before filling anything out. So a few weeks ago, the last time we talked, I asked him to figure out and/or go ahead and start the refinancing process (he wants to keep it) so that we could start the whole divorce process.

On a side note, kind of...over the past few weeks, I've heard that he's not doing that great. Drinking, smoking, acting like a hardass, and just generally spiraling downhill. So when I called recently to check in on the progress of the house, he started going off again, only this time I can tell he's drunk (slurring, not making sense) and it's the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. I mean, I normally withhold judgment on others' drinking habits, but since I've heard that he's been like this for a while now, I don't think it's normal. He ends up crying and yelling about what is he supposed to take from all of this, where's the positive in it for him, how is he supposed to grow when he gave me everything I ever wanted. He's, in general, a very immature person who projects the blame for any situation onto other people. He's repeatedly told me over the past few months that everything is my fault, the reasons I was unhappy with our life were my fault, that he never did anything wrong.

Despite all of that, I feel horrible. I feel like he's just completely fallen apart with this and I guess I feel guilty. Not really "guilty" like he wants me to feel, like it's my fault, but guilty because I'm doing really, really well without him. I'm happier, I'm spending time with friends and family, I'm trying to improve myself (exercising, reading, etc.), and I'm just generally doing really well. I think the only thing holding me back from truly enjoying my life is the fact that I'm still married and still tied to him (and still living with my parents because of the house situation, no fun). But I just sat there listening to him cry and basically feel sorry for himself, and I felt so sad for him. I'm worried about him. I still care for him, how could I not after so many years together? Being on my own has definitely showed me that I'm better off without him and that this isn't the end of the world, it's just the beginning of something really great. While it's not anywhere even close to where I saw my life going a year ago, I'm okay with it all, I've come to terms with it.

I guess my question here is...can I do anything to help him? Can I say anything or do anything to help him? I know I can't hold his hand and tell him it's all going to be okay while he sobs onto my shoulder like a friend or anything. I just feel helpless. And frustrated. I don't want to feel like I have to help him or that I even WANT to help him. He's a grown up and needs to help himself - another issue from our marriage, because I was more of his mother than his wife, always doing EVERYTHING for him. Dude couldn't handle shit. He expected me to do everything for him and for a while I just fell into that role without even thinking.

Gahhh I hate this. I would rather deal with him angry and illogical than angry, illogical, drunk, AND sobby.

Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. I'll clarify anything that is confusing, just let me know.

[Deleted]

Jun 12, 2012 14:20:51 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Repeat after me: he's not my problem anymore

:Y: :Y: :Y:

And stop talking to him on the phone. Only communicate via email when absolutely necessary.

[kellbell191]

I think you need to walk away totally and completely. Even if you could emotionally support him, it would hurt him in the long run since you're ready to move on. He needs to learn to be emotionally self sufficient, and any emotional support might be misinterpreted as you continuing to have feelings or wanting to get back together. The kindest thing you can do is continue to make a clean break and let him stand on his own two feet.

[Bernadine]

Oh wow, I feel like I'm reading my own story here. Trying to help him will only give him hope for reconciliation. The best thing you can do for him is to let him figure it out on his own, as hard as that seems.

[kc18]

Ditto what everyone else said. My ex still wanted me to be in his life. He never wanted to break up, but I walked away bc of a dealbreaker. He wanted to be friends. I said hell no. It hurts, but it's for your well-being. The more you talk to him and he acts that way, the more you'll feel the way you're feeling now..... frustrated, helpless, etc. The more you cut off contact, the better and the stronger you'll feel.

[usedtobebear]

Sounds a lot like my DH, even though I'm not doing that great right now, I KNOW I will be doing great, eventually. And part of the reason I'm not doing great is the guilty feelings I have for leaving him when he says he needed me most... ugh! I too, felt like more of a mother for him and feel like I did everything for him, definitely part of the demise of our marriage. I'm always worrying about my DH, ALWAYS, and I'm trying to learn to focus on myself more, something I'm not used to. Try and reaffirm to yourself that he is not your problem, don't let him manipulate you and try and suck you in to feeling sorry for him and trying to help him. He can only help himself and I'm sure you've tried many avenues to help while you were still with him. Be strong and continue working on yourself, it sounds like you are doing great! Good luck!

[usedtobebear]

Jun 12, 2012 14:31:06 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Oh wow, I feel like I'm reading my own story here. Trying to help him will only give him hope for reconciliation. The best thing you can do for him is to let him figure it out on his own, as hard as that seems.

This is me right now, my DH keeps texting me and I'm simply not responding only when neccessary. I could reply telling him how I started crying at yoga last night and continued to cry all night long, but that would give him false hope and there is no chance for a reconliation. Not talking is best for me and I hope he eventually catches on.

[explorer2001]

Everyone is right. This is proof leaving was right. This is not your problem anymore, well except the house stuff getting settled and filing for divorce.

I still hear from people about my ex looking like hell, being drunk, on drugs etc. It is not my job to fix that anymore. It's not your job either. Don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for his actions/choices.

[cemacmil]

Short answer - No there is absolutely nothing YOU or anyone else can do. And more importantly, YOU did not do this!

We can only fix and control ourselves, have I perfected this, no - not even close....but I realize it and remind myself everyday. This may be who he is and if you have no ties (not including the house and I personally would try and find a way to file before he "figures things out").....then like others, cut ties completely. For you.

[letyourselfgo]

My Ex-FI had to do it to me. It wasn't his problem to take care of me or pick me up off of the ground all of the time.
Sure, I was pissed for several months. Sure, I THOUGHT that I wanted him back. Sure, I swore up and down that I would get him back and that I'd NEVER,NEVER,NEVER get over him.

Then I got into another relationship with someone else to try to feed that void.

My Ex-FI and Ex-BF leaving were the best things that ever happened to me. Hindsight is completely 20/20. He'll be fine.

Remember, it's not YOUR problem.

[elleb]

Thank you everyone, thank you so much. When he was just angry all of the time, it was so easy to let go, not care, and just focus on living my life. But hearing him like that, crying and all, was just too much.

I started noticing a while ago when I first moved out that every time I would talk to him I would get SO frustrated and angry. I would be short-tempered with everyone for a few hours after, to the point where people would look at me and just say, "Oh, you just talked to him didn't you?" So I totally understand what you guys are saying with the more I talk to him, the harder it'll be for him AND for me.

Also, I really like your advice pdx - only communicate via email. I've felt like the "mature" thing to do is to talk face-to-face or at least on the phone, but it makes much more sense at this point to communicate through email. My first thought was, oh but he doesn't email that much and I don't want to inconvenience him...but stop making excuses for him, right? So email it is.

Again, thank you all!

[marigoldgirl]

The mature thing only works when both people are mature. Email helps keep emotion out better than phone calls.

Also only talk about the details that have to be dealt with. When my XH would try to talk about stuff that had nothing to do with the divorce my standard reply was always " I am not going to discuss that with you"

The less contact he has with you the better it is for you and him. You know that even if he does not acknowledged it. You are not responsible for his actions, feelings, etc... He needs to grow up and find his own way. Stay strong.

[formerlyknownasefl]

Jun 13, 2012 9:46:46 GMT -5 marigoldgirl said:

The mature thing only works when both people are mature. Email helps keep emotion out better than phone calls.

Also only talk about the details that have to be dealt with. When my XH would try to talk about stuff that had nothing to do with the divorce my standard reply was always " I am not going to discuss that with you"

The less contact he has with you the better it is for you and him. You know that even if he does not acknowledged it. You are not responsible for his actions, feelings, etc... He needs to grow up and find his own way. Stay strong.

ALL of this to a T. My soon to be exhusband still thinks DS and I leaving is a joke and is constantly making up excuses to call me and talk about "DS" when really he is trying to manipulate me or threaten me into coming back. I have had to hang up on him several times and now I['m just doing email to communicate and I made drop offs for DS quick, short, and easy.