How do you teach your child to be appreciative?

[bab]

I grew up in a FUCKED UP situation for a good portion of my childhood.  I know better than to share details, but it was very rough for me during my tween/teen years.  Going through those rough times made me capable of appreciating good times. 

Anyway, I think I go a bit overboard trying to make sure my kids get the chance to have what they need/want, explore their interests talents etc.  and basically not live like I did. 
I have a child with special needs and one without, and lately the one without special needs has been acting in a less than desireable manner.  I feel like she has no appreciation for me or for all the things she has and is able to do.  I feel like I am failing.  How can I make her a more understanding, appreciative and empathetic person?

[Deleted]

i am all ears on this one. i worry about this too.

i've already started telling L when she's "ungrateful." not sure at 3.5 she really grasps the concept. but it's what comes to my snappish mind when she's acting like a brat. we also talk to and around her a lot about things that we (the adults) want and aren't getting now or want to do and aren't doing now because we have to save money, set aside time, etc. i have no idea if these are good ideas or not.

[EmilieMadison]

Time. Seriously, sometimes that's really all there is. Chances are, she's acting like a totally typical kid and just doesn't truly understand. If it's more than that, then perhaps have appropriate consequences (take away privileges or things for certain behaviours). But I think that, for most kids, just giving them time to grow up, mature, and get out of their self-absorbed mindset is all it takes. 

[luckyval]

Scale back on the wants, set goals that need to be achieved to earn those wants. Maybe go volunteer with her

[bab]

Jun 4, 2013 20:29:12 GMT -5 cville said:

i am all ears on this one. i worry about this too.

i've already started telling L when she's "ungrateful." not sure at 3.5 she really grasps the concept. but it's what comes to my snappish mind when she's acting like a brat. we also talk to and around her a lot about things that we (the adults) want and aren't getting now or want to do and aren't doing now because we have to save money, set aside time, etc. i have no idea if these are good ideas or not.

I like the idea of talking about things you can't have now but are working toward.  Good one!

[jaylea]

It's a process. I took Libby with me to volunteer at a food pantry, putting together bags for the backpack program (food sent home with school children in food insecure households). It helped her to understand that some families aren't even able to have enough food to be healthy, let alone new toys when they want them. I try to point out, in age appropriate ways, how fortunate we are.

She still doesn't really get it fully, but it is opening her up to thinking about the fact that families just like ours aren't as fortunate, and that she is lucky to have what she has.

[vanillacourage]

Jun 4, 2013 20:33:35 GMT -5 frkls said:

my mom used to have "dont ask me for ANYTHING today" days when i acted like that. it was a whole day of my mpm doing the least to keep me alive, but you could forget rides anywhere, buying anything, help with anything, etc. i dont know if it was a "good" idea, but it made me realize how much i usually got when i didnt get anything.

This is a good idea.

My DS1 is (just turned) 5 and he is an ungrateful little shit sometimes.  He just has absolutely no awareness of what it's like not to have a bunch of new toys, full belly, Avengers t-shirts, etc.  And I feel weird trying to find some volunteer opportunity for him, like poor people are there to serve as a "teachable moment". Ugh. Parenting is hard.

[bab]

She's 8

[dizzydee]

My family was poor until I was about 16 and my sister was out of the house by then. We had nothing and didn't get to participate in a lot of activities because of it. My sister is now loaded and gives her kids everything and makes sure that they do and participate in anything and everything. When they were younger they had no appreciation of anything and were brats. Our mom especially worried about them a lot.
When they were around 7 & 5 my sister made them start volunteering at a local soup kitchen and THEY donate all their old sports equipment, clothes and toys. Now that they are older 10 & 7 my sister is able to explain to them our childhood and they understand and appreciate all they have a lot more. For kids that get and have whatever they want they are seriously amazing and so giving.

So I guess what I'm saying is with age you can explain your past and they will understand more. I also think volunteering is important for kids.

[Deleted]

I worry about this too. We sort through Rocco's clothes and shoes with him and have him help bag up the stuff that doesn't fit and the take it to donate. I explain to him that there are kids who dont have as much as we do so we try to help by letting them use the stuff we cant use anymore. I try to go out of my way to show appreciation for things that others do for us too. I really talk it up big. I buy canned goods for the donation boxes at the store (they have one for the local food pantry and the local pet shelter here at my supermarket) and when i do, i explain that we're so lucky to have enough to eat and we should help out people who dont. He's not quite 4 yet so I feel this is age appropriate. Idk. Maybe I. Doing iit wrong but he seems to grasp some of it. H is really good about thanking me for dinner every night and it rubs off. Rocco thanks me for nearly every meal I cook. It's really sweet.

[Deleted]

I think you have to make them work for it, in a sense. I also think keeping their possessions am activities pared down to what they really value helps too. Having them volunteer their time is great as well. They learn to do selfless things and are also exposed to those who aren't as blessed with good life circumstances as they are.

My gut reaction when ds expresses dissatisfaction with something is to tell him that he must not need it then, and take it away.

[litebright]

I struggle with this as well.

I think one truth is that often people need the experience of going without, and earning something through their own efforts, in order to truly appreciate it. I feel like part of my drive as a teen and adult came from wanting to get certain things that I hadn't had. Hell, I still get satisfaction out of carrying quarters so I can get bubblegum out of a machine whenever I want to.

So if resources aren't a limitation on what your kids are getting -- like you *can* say yes to most things -- then you have to artificially impose limitations and forcing the earning. Along with, hopefully, exposing them to being helpful to others (we're donating this money to help others, let's go through your toys and give away some so that other kids can have them, let's go pick out a new toy that we will donate instead of keep because some kids don't get many new toys).

Financial conversations are tricky. I feel like my mom in particular always made me feel like we were on the edge of financial ruin/starving/losing our house, she would frequently talk about being on the "austerity budget plan" when what she really meant was that we needed to save for our new house. But I still felt a ton of financial anxiety as a kid. I think you have to take the time and have age-appropriate conversations with kids to help them understand that money is finite, it's earned through hard work, and there are priorities involved in spending that don't revolve around the child.

I also kind of make a point to keep things unexpected so that they don't get into the habit of expecting things. No, you don't get to ride the penny pony every time we go to the grocery store even though we *could*. I don't always say yes to things at the store. And I want to give my kids everything, but I know that someday I may have to say no to something big -- no, you can't do that particular expensive camp, no you can't go on that optional class trip unless you earn your own way -- in order to really have them understand that whole value-of-a-dollar thing.

[tulip]

As the child of a parent who grew up without the opportunities I had and the materiel things, TELL your kids about it. You do not need to get into the nitty gritty but you can tell them your experiences.

My Mom did this and I understood from an early age how lucky I really was.

[FloFTW]

Like others are saying with volunteering,etc...model it. Show her how it's done.

[tulip]

I'll share this to help my thinking,

I still can't buy a steak without thinking about this.

Mom told me how when she was growing up until she moved out on her own she never had a steak. They were so poor that only her parents ate steak, Grandma would make them something else (cheaper) like cheese sandwiches for dinner while Mom & Dad ate a steak. This has always stuck with me, I love steak and we always ate the same. Sharing this made me appreciate my meals.

Also, my Dad is blue collar so I always got told how hard he worked. I also saw it when he came home injured and tired a few times.

To me just communication with kids is enough.

[cleo29]

I think sometimes it's about needing some time to pass and maybe about them not doing so much (not implying that they are overly scheduled).

Meals on Wheels is a great way to volunteer and let the kids be a part of things. I know several people who take their kids with them when it is their turn to run routes.

[idoinjuly]

This is really hard and something I feel like I work at constantly. It's hard too because my GMIL has something new for the kids every single time she sees them, and that's a few times a week. They also give them at least a dollar each every time they see them. The kids have come to expect it and I HATE that.

I've set up a family fun jar and encourage them to put their dollars in there and any loose change. When dh or I have a few stray bucks, we'll put them in there. Our goal is to save up for a Disney trip, but sometimes we use it to go do something fun. Anyway, when dd asks for stuff, I tell her that we need to keep saving our money so that we can buy it.

[bab]

Thank you for all of these suggestions. They are great. I feel like I also need to elaborate a little. My DD does not demand certain material items, I just get the feelling that she does not appreciate the work that goes into making her life so easy.
For example, when I picked her up from aftercare today she got all pissy and RUDE. She was mad because she wanted to stay and continue playing. First of all, she hurt my feelings. I am not fond of my new job and look forward to seeing my kids at the end of the day. It was like a gut punch when she rolled her eyes at me as I walked through the door. I felt like she had no appreciation at all for the fact that I spend my day working, so she can have a happy and normal life. Does this make sense? I feel taken for granted. She jumps up and down like a nut when my H comes home because he works so much she barely sees him, but somehow, I am deserving of an eyeroll when I come through the door. It makes me want to cancel all her activities and spend the money of a vacation for myself! (I know this is obnoxious OK!)
Anyway, that is more of what I mean. I do think that making her earn more of her things will help instill a sense of appreciation though.
I don't know. I just don't want her to act like an entitled little snot.

[cleo29]

Jun 4, 2013 22:04:33 GMT -5 bab said:

Thank you for all of these suggestions. They are great. I feel like I also need to elaborate a little. My DD does not demand certain material items, I just get the feelling that she does not appreciate the work that goes into making her life so easy.
For example, when I picked her up from aftercare today she got all pissy and RUDE. She was mad because she wanted to stay and continue playing. First of all, she hurt my feelings. I am not fond of my new job and look forward to seeing my kids at the end of the day. It was like a gut punch when she rolled her eyes at me as I walked through the door. I felt like she had no appreciation at all for the fact that I spend my day working, so she can have a happy and normal life. Does this make sense? I feel taken for granted. She jumps up and down like a nut when my H comes home because he works so much she barely sees him, but somehow, I am deserving of an eyeroll when I come through the door. It makes me want to cancel all her activities and spend the money of a vacation for myself! (I know this is obnoxious OK!)
Anyway, that is more of what I mean. I do think that making her earn more of her things will help instill a sense of appreciation though.
I don't know. I just don't want her to act like an entitled little snot.

It sounds more like you feel she doesn't appreciate you and I think that is a legit feeling most moms have one time or another.  If you can do it, maybe a weekend trip away is a good idea.

[CurlyQ284]

I felt frustrated with my SDs as they grew up. I really knew nothing about kids and I didn't realize it was developmentally normal for them to be this way but as I've seen them grow, they definitely get it more. I do the lions share of pretty much everything in my house. It used to hurt my feelings when I work all day, pick them up from daycare, put dinner on the table and they whine about how awful it is and DH is the greatest guy on the planet. Or I would save MY money to take them to 6 Flags and SD1 would throw a tantrum because she didn't get TV time. SD1 and I have had a decent amount of conflict on this issue.

Now that they are older, they see. We surprised them with a trip to Disney last summer. SD1 asked me how long I had planned it. I told her I had been saving up and planning for a year. She told EVERYONE. When they asked how the trip was, she would say "And Curly was planning this for a whole YEAR! How awesome is that?". She was 11, will be 12 this year.

[tdk2]

Jun 4, 2013 21:54:16 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

I think sometimes it's about needing some time to pass and maybe about them not doing so much (not implying that they are overly scheduled).

Meals on Wheels is a great way to volunteer and let the kids be a part of things. I know several people who take their kids with them when it is their turn to run routes.

That is a neat idea. I grew up doing this with my mom many weekends. I don't remember any discussions about people being less fortunate but think I kind of grew up feeling like its just expected that we help others. I'm sure why some people needed food came up, but it wasnt like I felt like we were obligated, just that it's the nice thing to do.

Very random and bit a complete thought: Was your daughter one that you mentioned loved the obamas? I wonder if talking about how they contribute could help?

I do like the idea of separating volunteerism from appreciation but I think both could be done and give addl means to a goal.

I do think its normal to feel a little entitled at 8, but I think you are also such a kind a caring mom and want to make sure your kiddo is the best she can be. Btw how are they 8? They were 5 in my mind when I saw sue's q.

I don't have real mom advice as I'm not at that point. So far, I just try to talk about how hard someone had to work for something. Ahhh who knows if that's right or gets us anywhere!

You are a fab mom. Don't forget that.

[tdk2]

Ahhh saw your follow up. Maybe she's doing it because you make her feel safe and secure. She knows you'll always be there for her and that you'll always love you so it doesn't matter if she tells you even the worst of her thoughts.


A compliment??? Who knows.

I bet you a ton of $$nesticles that she acts appreciative of others and is considered "so nice and polite"

[mrsukyankee]

Being grateful is an abstract concept which is something that kids can't really, truly get until they are about to hit puberty. You can start working on it and expecting something approximating it around 9 or 10, but before that they don't really 'get it'. I think it's unreasonable to expect a 3 to 7 year old to understand this concept at all as they are still learning to put concepts into categories and learning to other cognitive categories that we take for granted. Once they get into the concrete learning area then it's a good time to start teaching them about how to share and give back to others who have less (age 7 for the mature ones, 8-10 for less mature ones). These thoughts brought to you by a psychology teacher who teaches development.

[wrathofkuus]

I think that expecting a kid to be grateful you work at a job you hate rather than annoyed and disappointed that it's time to stop playing with her friends is kind if nutty.