Help me with a friend situation!

[tuck]

I'll probably edit some details tomorrow. I don't want this friend to find this and get her feelings hurt by thinking I don't like her or anything.

Background: I'm an introvert. I'm not shy, but hanging out with people (not counting DH and the kids) kind of emotionally drains me. I like hanging out with people, but my optimal number of friend-dates is probably two a month. I also homeschool my older kid and SAH, so there's always crap I need to do around the house. I also try to find things to take H to around the town (library, parks, zoo, etc.), but I don't always want to make a day of it.

My friend is apparently really extroverted. She's also a SAHM, and is involved in one of the social groups I'm in that meets twice a month. Her older kid is two, and her younger is around S's age. H likes hanging out with her big kid, but he's not really a peer or anything. We already hang out every week- we have a standing zoo trip every Tuesday, and we usually end up going out to lunch after. The majority of the time her two year old is acting like a typical two year old (tantrum-y, not listening, running off), and it's just not all that enjoyable for me. That's already six events a month.

Lately, though, she wants to go with me to more of the everyday stuff- like going to the library for story time or wanting to walk around the mall (?) just to waste time. I don't really have the time to go wander around the mall for several hours every week. The other week she wanted to go with me to Walmart for grocery shopping. Seriously. Plus, her older kid is two, and he's just not really mature enough to do some of the things H wants to do (like story time). It's not fair to her to keep limiting what she's able to do because she's always hanging out with a much younger friend.

I know my friend has some issues with PPD, and I know she really needs a friend. I want to be a good friend, but it's just more than I can do. It's not good for me emotionally to go around doing stuff all the time, and it's not all that great for Holden either. I don't want to "break up" with her or anything, but I want to step back a bit. I'd be thrilled with the two group commitments a month plus maybe one zoo trip and maybe one trip to the park a month. I don't want to feel guilty for not telling her I'm going to the library. I don't want to feel bad about making a playdate with someone who is actually H's peer. I want to be able to go to the zoo without inviting her (so we're not rushing through it chasing a grumpy toddler who doesn't even like the splash pad- so Holden can't do it). 

I can always blame it on not getting enough done at home, but I don't really want to rely on something like that- it seems too easy to poke holes in. I would prefer to be honest, but I don't know how she'll take it. No matter what, we have to see each other twice a month, so if it goes south, those activities would be pretty awkward. Help me figure out how to do this without hurting her feelings! 

[Deleted]

I would just tell her you're already busy if she asks to hang out. I'm more extroverted and like your friend and I have an introverted friend that has declined hanging out many times but I have no problems with it or her. I also think your point about hanging out with kids H's age is very valid.

You don't have to come straight out and say "only the zoo trips and one park date" but just nicely decline if she invites you more places. Say you're busy- whether your busy sitting on the couch or at another play date isn't really her business.

I think it's great you even see her as much as you do! I tried to set up a weekly hangout and it's hard to keep up! I think you are spending plenty of time to be a good friend and be there for her.

[tuck]

I'm kind of socially clueless, so what happens if we run into each other when I say I'm busy? Like, if I take H to the zoo on a Friday after turning down an invitation to walk around the mall, what do I do? I don't want to have company, but I don't want to have to leave earlier than I intended, either. I guess I could just say, "Holden really wanted to play in the splash pad today, and I was just going to read my book...." But I don't know if she would realize that (for me, as an introvert) sitting alone and reading my book at the zoo can sometimes be preferable to hanging out with my friend.

 I don't suppose I can just change my profile pic to this, can I?
 

[cat19]

Maybe just tell her the truth? I know it's awkward, but maybe she would be receptive and understanding. Best of luck!

[Deleted]

Jun 4, 2013 22:46:03 GMT -5 tuck said:

I'm kind of socially clueless, so what happens if we run into each other when I say I'm busy? Like, if I take H to the zoo on a Friday after turning down an invitation to walk around the mall, what do I do? I don't want to have company, but I don't want to have to leave earlier than I intended, either. I guess I could just say, "Holden really wanted to play in the splash pad today, and I was just going to read my book...." But I don't know if she would realize that (for me, as an introvert) sitting alone and reading my book at the zoo can sometimes be preferable to hanging out with my friend.

 I don't suppose I can just change my profile pic to this, can I?
 

You ARE busy- you're spending time with your family. Just say "I have plans with Holden today" then if she sees you at the zoo with Holden it's nbd

[tuck]

Jun 4, 2013 23:37:35 GMT -5 ladybug said:

You ARE busy- you're spending time with your family. Just say "I have plans with Holden today" then if she sees you at the zoo with Holden it's nbd

I like that. A lot.

[devonpow]

I would tell her the truth. I am extremely extroverted and one of those people who hates staying home and makes plans for every day (my friends and I totally go grocery shopping together, so I laughed at that part of your post). If I had a friend I enjoyed hanging out with I would probably frequently extend invitations, too.

Just say something along the lines of "I really like hanging out with you and kid, but we also really like doing things on our own a lot, or just staying in. Lets keep or weekly zoo trip, but for no I need to hold off on other plans". I would
totally be ok if someone said that to me (even if I don't "get it" due to my extroverted-ness, lol)

[bigapple]

Jun 4, 2013 22:46:03 GMT -5 tuck said:

But I don't know if she would realize that (for me, as an introvert) sitting alone and reading my book at the zoo can sometimes be preferable to hanging out with my friend.

This pretty much sums up what I was thinking. I'm a total extrovert who gets twitchy if I'm at home for a full day without a social activity, and I tend to assume that everyone else is the same.

When I meet a mom who doesn't seem to get out much, I think, "oh, the poor dear. I should invite her to EVERYTHING." It wouldn't cross my mind that she might prefer to sit alone. Maybe your friend is doing the same?

[laurack]

Do you know if she has a lot of other friends?

I am like that as well, I like having things to do but the idea of something to do more than once a week stresses me out! I like just hanging out at home. When hubby goes OOT people say oh we must make plans so you aren't lonely! I'm like nooooooooooo I was looking forward to being ALOOOOONE!!! I am weird, I like being alone. I mean, now alone with the baby. And hubby. But not other people, except maybe 1-2 things per week are acceptable.

I would have a VERY hard time having this conversation with anyone though because I don't like confrontation. Luckily my FT job sort of excuses me from it. If I were a SAHM I'd probably just agree to everything then self destruct at some point.

I think ladybugs suggestion to be truthful but somewhat vague is good. Just, you do have plans today with holden. And if she presses you can say Holden is going through a time where she really wants a lot of mommy one on one attention.

[tuck]

laurack, we sound very similar.

I know she doesn't have very many other friends. She moved to the area less than a year ago, and the two other people she regularly sees have newborns.

I'm afraid this might be awkward no matter what.