How do you handle anniversaries of dead family members?

[beautifulfields12]

I am talking death anniversaries, birthdays of dead family members, etc. I have lost several close family member over my adult life.(my dad, grandparents, aunts) I try to go to the cemetary to visit as often as I can, but it is 1.5 hours away. I apparently do not visit enough according to my mom... she also is visibly upset that I do not actively acknowledge their birthdays. This was all brought up by the fact that my grandpa's (died 3 years ago) is coming up.

So what do you do?

[juliagoulia]

I don't do anything.

I don't think you should be guilted into doing anything that doesn't bring you comfort/peace. If visiting the cometary does that for your Mom, that's great. Everyone grieves and remembers loved ones differently.

[Captain Serious]

I may think about them and say a prayer. I don't believe in going to a gravesite to prove to others how much I cared, and I don't believe my going has any impact on the dead person. Graves are for the grieving, not the dead. If you don't feel the pull to go, that's perfectly fine.

[psychmom]

I dont do anything. The 2 grandparents I was close to in my life died when I was young. I don't remember the dates they died or their birthdays. Visiting their grave isn't really an option right now.

[ECB]

Jun 5, 2013 6:17:51 GMT -5 juliagoulia said:

I don't do anything.

I don't think you should be guilted into doing anything that doesn't bring you comfort/peace. If visiting the cometary does that for your Mom, that's great. Everyone grieves and remembers loved ones differently.

100% this.  I too don't do anything.  But I do think of my mom on her birthday and on the day she died - but it's just me, thinking of her.  I don't "do" anything past that. 

[meggers5]

BFs dad and his younger brother died. On their birthdays or the anniversary of their deaths he calls his mom, and I tell him that I'm thinking of their family. I think that's fine. If he chose ot do more or less that would be fine too. You can't tell people how to grieve.

[mushmouse]

I always think of my parents on their birthdays.  I don't remember 'death days'.  It's just not how I choose to remember them and they wouldn't want it that way - they just weren't the type.  I think of how the person would want to be mourned.  If my Mom was always at the cemetary and wearing black on the anniversary I'd do the same for her.  Know what I mean?  But I don't think she should tell you how to mourn.  If she feels you are being disrespectful in some way maybe you could take an annual trip to the cemetary with her?

[Kore]

I think about my dad on days like Father's Day, his birthday, & the day he died. But it's not as monumental as it was the first year I experienced those milestones. His ashes are buried 1100 miles away, so I definitely don't visit.

Life is for the living. Visiting a cemetery is a nice thing to do if it helps you to cope or remember, but it certainly does nothing for the person who's buried there. I'm sorry your mom is trying to lay down a guilt trip.

[clseale]

Jun 5, 2013 7:15:07 GMT -5 Kore said:

I think about my dad on days like Father's Day, his birthday, & the day he died. But it's not as monumental as it was the first year I experienced those milestones. His ashes are buried 1100 miles away, so I definitely don't visit.

Life is for the living. Visiting a cemetery is a nice thing to do if it helps you to cope or remember, but it certainly does nothing for the person who's buried there. I'm sorry your mom is trying to lay down a guilt trip.

This exactly, but change to ashes part to scattered 500 miles away.

Sometimes I'll listen to a song or remember something about him that makes me smile, but it wouldn't be healthy to continue on the way I did a year or two after his death. You have to grieve in a way that is right for you. Just because your way of coping isn't the same as your mom's, doesn't mean that you miss them or loved them any less. 

[wambam]

The only one I really remember is my biological mother. I think about her, perhaps look at pictures or her old yearbooks. I usually talk to my H and tell him stories about her. It's usually a sad day for me even 15 years later, but I get through.

I had my bachelorette party (coincidentally) on that day. My MOH had us all take a shot in her honor.

ETA: My adoptive mother actually thinks this is really unhealthy. She thinks that because I acknowledge that day, this is an indication that I have not grieved properly. I obvs think she's wrong.

[hisno1girl]

I wonder what your mom wants you to do to 'actively recognize' their birthday?

Do what you want.

I only remember the anniversary of my grandma's passing because she died on Xmas Eve. I don't do anything special but at one time during the holidays I'll have a good long cry because I miss her every day.

I don't remember when my other grandparents died.

[Waffles]

Nothing much at all. I'll think of my dad on his birthday and speak to my mum that day but I do not call her on the anniversary of his death. I'll clock it, I'll know it's that day but that's it.

His ashes are in the cemetary 2 blocks from my mum's and I've only been once, to put them there.

ETA: it's not I didn't love him or there was any kind of drama - I just don't feel I need to go there to think of him.

[beautifulfields12]

Thank you so much for the replies! I am very frustrated over all of this. I do visit the cemetery 3-4x (if not more) per year because it is close to other relatives that I visit. We lost my grandma about 2 months ago and my mom is really struggling. I am trying to be there for her, but I have just noticed recently that she lays on the guilt about the visiting. I do feel like she judges the way other grieve. She frequently plays the martyr.

[nahoku]

Not much, really. I loved my grandparents so much and still miss them, but I've never been to their gravesites except for the actual burial. My mom usually makes a post about them on their birthdays/death days on FB and I'll comment or like it or whatever.

I did send a text to SIL recently on the 10th anniversary of the car crash that my nephews died in, just letting her know I was thinking of her and the boys. I don't usually do that, but I really was thinking of them and I wanted her to know that they're not forgotten and they're still loved and missed. She appreciated it.

[revolution]

Try not to let your mom get to you. She is dealing with this in her way and she shouldn't guilt trip you. You should grieve and remember in the way that you want to.

For me, my situation is a little different. My dad passed away on my birthday. And I bought his house after he passed away, so I now live in the house I grew up in and that he passed away in. So it's hard for me to not actively remember the day he passed away. None of my siblings live close either. For me, I like to take part of that day and visit the cemetery and take new flowers out and I sit there and have his favorite beer on the anniversary of his death.

[Jalapeñomel]

Nothin really.

[lilybug]

I give myself kind of a low-key day where I don't have tons of obligations. I may or may not do anything special, but I want to give myself space to be bummed out for the day without affecting my plans.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I don't really do anything, aside from think of the person and talk to my mom.

[mushmouse]

Jun 5, 2013 7:41:04 GMT -5 beautifulfields12 said:

Thank you so much for the replies! I am very frustrated over all of this. I do visit the cemetery 3-4x (if not more) per year because it is close to other relatives that I visit. We lost my grandma about 2 months ago and my mom is really struggling. I am trying to be there for her, but I have just noticed recently that she lays on the guilt about the visiting. I do feel like she judges the way other grieve. She frequently plays the martyr.

3-4x a year sounds like enough to me!  I will say though that losing your Mom at any age is horrible so cut her some slack in that area.  To you it's probably it might be a sad loss, but a woman who lived a long full life.  To her it's her Mommy.

[pantsparty]

Well, I live away from where my family is buried. But I also think going to visit a grave is a hugely personal experience. I have done this with my oldest brother when I'm in town, but I don't ask or know if my other family members do. We all grieve in our own way, it gives me a little comfort and reflection seeing the grave stone, but I know that's not everyone's experience.

The first few years I took off birthdays and anniversaries. However, this was for my brother, and I haven't done that for my grandparents. Everyone's experience with grief is different and you shouldn't be judged by how you are grieving.

[Kit]

My grandma passed away two years ago, and on her birthday I make a donation to an animal charity. I used to send her flowers, so instead I take that money that I'd have spent on flowers and donate it to a cause she'd love.