Post by reginaphalange72 on Jun 13, 2012 8:10:04 GMT -5
Hi everybody.
I've been lurking on here for a couple weeks, which has been very helpful. But I thought I'd come out and say hi.
I just finally told my H that I want a divorce (I've been unhappy for about five years now - since before we were even married. You'd think that would have been a sign...). I left him last week but returned to the house with the stipulation that we remained separated and lived as roommates. You know how that ends up though - you feel comfortable back together and things seem "normal," etc. But I still knew I was unhappy and didn't want to be in that situation.
Obviously, this process is only just getting started, but we are very amicable. He is a genuinely good guy. He just has a massive amount of issues that need to be sorted through on his end before we could ever hope to be in a healthy relationship. And I can't stand another five years of this.
If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to listen.
Some background:
* We own a house (bought it a year and a half ago, so we don't have massive amounts of equity that I will have to pay back to my STBXH) - I will be keeping it since I am the financial one and have a plan. I will be taking in two roommates (I already have them figured out) to make that easier.
* We have two dogs - I will be keeping them as well since my STBXH (weird) travels for work often and I don't. Also, our older dog wouldn't stand to be separated from me, and we can't separate the two of them.
* No kids, no family nearby
* I will be going to individual counseling to work my way through this process.
* I am the financial wizard of the house, so I know I can handle things on my end. I've actually had a tab in my excel file with a hypothetical budget for just me for YEARS.
* I have a good friend who is an attorney and has dealt with divorce proceedings, so I'll be talking to her about the legal side of things.
* Since we are on good terms, we will be splitting our finances right in half. I will be resetting my direct deposit and all my financial stuff our of our joint account and into my individual account today. He can keep the remainder.
I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone on this board. I know this is going to be a tough road, but I'm glad I'm finally on it.
Post by bullygirl979 on Jun 13, 2012 8:21:16 GMT -5
Welcome!!
It sounds like you got everything in order!
I guess my only advice is that even though you want this be aware that you will go through emotional ups and downs throughout the process. It is all normal. You will have great days and probably some bad days. Don't ignore your emotions and use your therapy as a tool to help you through these times.
And, for the love of god, don't date for a long time. Or Bowies will come over here and smack the shit out of you
Post by theycallmeliz on Jun 13, 2012 8:33:04 GMT -5
Hi and welcome.
Like the ladies said, you seem to have a good plan in place. But I would 100% agree with Bully and say to hold off as long as you can from dating. I jumped in way too early and in hindsight, was totally not ready for that yet.
Post by reginaphalange72 on Jun 15, 2012 7:50:20 GMT -5
Thanks for all the kind words. I thought I'd C&P my update from H&F here as well...
At the moment, we are both in the house. I am upstairs (the main floor), and he is sleeping downstairs. We are on good terms, but I am keeping our relationship at the moment to friends only - no romantic stuff. I'm trying to be positive and support him while he works to make positive changes, and so far, he really is trying and doing a good job.
We have a counseling appointment this afternoon. Originally, I had decided not to go and to just let him go on his own. But given the effort I've seen in the last few days and his (much improved) attitude, I told him I'll go today and we can talk. He knows my concerns and understands why I hesitate to say that I will stay with him - because every time I have threatened to leave in the past (many times), he makes changes until he feels like he has me back again, and then it's back to the same old crap. But, he's never made an effort like this before, or gone to AA (twice now), or gone to counseling. So I'm hopeful, but very hesitant.
Post by phoenixrising on Jun 18, 2012 14:33:57 GMT -5
Welcome to the board. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also am a planner and felt fully prepared to "handle" this and was taken aback when my feelings busted in on me. My advice is to really use therapy to help you figure out what is best for you, and remember that it is okay not to be strong all the time (I still struggle with this...I have done a GREAT job of turning off ALL my emotions, and now I am working with my therapist to start actually feeling things again), and post here as much as you need to! A lot of great women are on this board that have been through every kind of break-up imaginable, and it helps so much to hear that you are not alone! Hugs to you.