starting to think I am the one with the problem

[Deleted]

So I was raised to have manners. it was always very important to be kind, have manners and be respectful etc. 

I often hold others to this standard and I find myself being disappointed by rudeness all the time. 

Examples:  Friends husband lost his job. Friend doesnt' work, friend has DD who is 2 sizes bigger than my DD. I had hand me downs that wouldn't fit my daughter so I gave them to her since money was tight. She said that when her DD outgrew the items she would give them back to me for my daughter.  Great a win win.  Well I see on a facebook page she is selling several of the items I gave her.  I was a bit off put by it but thought that she must really need the money even though her husband has since found work.  Fast forward to now and i get an email from her saying she has tons of clothes for my DD . I say great.. she says "Yes $40 for the bag" ... I am blown away.  But again maybe its me.

Example 2:  My brother bought a house a few years ago, couldn't afford to furnish it.  We had a really nice pub style kitchen table that was in our basement.  I offered it to him to use until he got on his feet at least he'd have a table.  he said sure.  I told him that when the time came and he didn't want it anymore I would like it back, please don't give it away.  He said fine. 

Go to his house today for a bday party. I see he has a new table. i comment on how nice it is and ask what he did with the pub table. he says he gave it away.  I literally wnet "what?" he says "Ya I gave it away why?" I said "well because I told you not to do that.. to use it as long as you needed but that I would take it back when you were on your feet" he said "well you woldn't have wanted it back it was all broken and everything".  Mind you .. this pub table was only 1.5 years old, solid wood, very good quality when we lent it to him.  I told him i was disappointed that he did that. 

SN: I am not mad at him. he is my family and I wouldn'tn ever let a table come between us but I am just disappointed.

I guess the lesson in all of this is only loan people what you never expect to get back.  I will do this in the future but I ask you ML, is this normal? Am I the one who expects too much?

[hisno1girl]

I don't give stuff to people and expect it back. I'm surprised by the number of people that do because I see it mentioned quite often here.

[Deleted]

Jun 16, 2013 19:43:02 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

I don't give stuff to people and expect it back. I'm surprised by the number of people that do because I see it mentioned quite often here.

Yeah, I am in this camp.

[snickers]

Man people can be assholes.
I cannot even begin to imagine doing what your friend or your brother did.
Are you going to ask your friend for your clothes back? Does she typically just forgot things? I don't care if you need the money or not, you don't go and do it behind someone's back and then ask them to buy the things back.

[UMaineTeach]

yeah, the loaning stuff rule - it sucks.

but,
that woman cannot sell you back what you lent her. isn't that asking for a ransom?

and totally not cool about your brother. DH has lent a few similar items to his brother that I foresee the same thing happening to.

[Deleted]

I don't loan things, I give them. Its too much trouble and potential frustration to keep up with who owed you what.

[Deleted]

What did you say to the woman who was trying to sell you your own clothes? I would have laughed and laughed and tried to make it into a joke "Oh, HAHAHA! I love that! Selling me back all those clothes I gave to you!"

And I'd have been PISSED at the brother. That's a really crappy thing to do. But I've had it up to hear with freeloading family, so maybe I don't have the right attitude about this.

[livinitup]

Hard lessons learned.

Yeah, no, I'm with you. My mind is blown that these people/family take your stuff and get rid of it and/or profit from it.

What the Fuck?

[Deleted]

Good lesson I will not loan anymore. Like I said I was disappointedabout the table but flabbergasted at buying the clothes that I loaned her glad to see its not just me

[TrickyBob]

I wouldn't expect the clothing back, HOWEVER, if she would have offered them for free, I'd have welcomed them back. But it's ridiculous that she wanted you to pay for clothing that you've already bought.

[saraandmichael]

I remember my dad taught me not to loan anything that you can't afford to give away.

It has been invaluable advice.

[Deleted]

It's not just you. You know that. That being said, don't ever "lend" your stuff out. People are dicks. If you are happy to GIVE someone something, that's great. Because then you're giving because you're a really generous person and expecting nothing in return.

[angelaa73]

I can't wait to hear what she says when you ask her why she's trying to sell you things that you GAVE to her

[speckledfrog]

Why are you calling them out on their bullshit?

ETA:  I meant why aren't you. 

[CurlyQ284]

Did you remind your friend that they were your clothes in the first place? Yeah your people are dicks.

I don't loan stuff unless I don't care if they keep it. Every once in a while I test the waters and get screwed. Last time I lent a coworker the first book in my favorite series. Guess who has an entire series EXCEPT for the first book?

[muffin0]

I understand this.

My friend had triplets. Her H is military so while they have okay $$ coming in they have to budget. She wanted to cloth diaper. I tried it and didn't like it so I had a bunch sitting around that I meant to sell but kept putting it off. So I sent them to her and when she asked if I wanted $$ I was like no, just pay it forward when you are done with them.

She just sold her entire stash, including mine. (I saw it all on FB)

I didn't say anything because it wasn't a big deal, but I was kind of ?? about it.

I was also raised in a family of give and take. Like if I have cash for something and the other person doesn't I will pay and assume they will pick it up next time. 

In college my friend and I always did this and we never really cared if we had to pay a couple times in a row. We new it would switch and all balance out.

A couple of my friends freak out over this. Or if I owe them $1.46 cents and I only have $1.43 cents they're all "so you'll give me the other three pennies next time?" (I understand that I owe them $$ - I have no problem giving them what they are owed, I just don't really care that much so I assume most people feel the same way)

I would be pissed if I let someone borrow things and we both agreed that I would get them back and then I saw them selling the items. I'm a chicken so I probably wouldn't say anything, but if they were all "Hey I have a bag of clothes for your DD that will be $40" I don't think I could hold back.

[wrathofkuus]

I think you should say something to both people, because they're both ridiculous.

[candreco]

Jun 16, 2013 19:43:02 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

I don't give stuff to people and expect it back. I'm surprised by the number of people that do because I see it mentioned quite often here.

Except she specifically told both people that these thing were being loaned to them and she did want the items back.  If they can't honor that and return stuff in decent condition, they shouldn't have accepted them.  And a big WTF to the woman with the gall to try to SELL her own stuff back to her.

I'd be pissed too.

[Deleted]

The lessen is ever lend anything. Gifts are great. Lending just messes up relationships.

[thatgirl2478]

I totally get where you're coming from. This is why I don't lend anything to people I don't know REALLY *REALLY* well and have a track record of keeping things in good order.

I would say something about the clothes.

I would be PISSED off about the table - because who destroys tables? It's not that hard to take care of your shit! But, I wouldn't let it come between my brother & me.

[Deleted]

This is why I don't lend anything to anyone--people are a$$holes.

[Deleted]

Answer to #1: oh, $40 is not in the budget right now but let me know when we can meet so you can return the clothes I loaned to you.

#2: brothers are dumb asses sometimes.

[sporky]

Jun 17, 2013 8:34:37 GMT -5 flygirl said:

This is why I don't lend anything to anyone--people are a$$holes.

seconded.

[winnied]

That's shitty of both people but I'm not surprised. I'm sorry your generosity has screwed you over, that's no fun.

[cheeseandcrackers]

yeah, i don't loan stuff and i always give my clothes away to people.. just not worth the mess ha

[Deleted]

1 is just weird. Why would you sell clothes to a friend like that, after she gave you others?? The selling the clothes lent part, I do agree w PPs that that's why I don't lend stuff I actually want back. BUT it's bizarre to me to sell something to someone who was previously so generous.

2 is the "don't lend stuff you want back" thing. He totally spaced out and it's really irritating but I'd probably just let it drop. You let him know he made a mistake, meh.

[bluetopaz]

Wow. It'd be one thing (and still shitty) if you just never got the clothes back, but selling them on FB where you can see it and asking you to buy back YOUR clothes takes it to a whole other level.

And if that was my sibling that did that with my table (or whatever), it'd be a looong time before I'd be generous toward him again.

I'm with you, I was raised with manners and probably expect too much in hoping that others were raised the same way.

[Deleted]

That is pretty crappy and rude for them to behave that way and I'd be pissed off, too.

That's why I don't lend anything I want back in the future because 9/10, I will never see it again or if I do, I won't recognize it.

[penelope]

I would say something to both people as that wasn't the original agreement. And then I wouldn't loan anything out to either of them anymore.

But, for what it's worth, I would never loan children's clothes especially. Children are tough on clothes, and as they get older, they will not come back in the same shape they left in. I'm lucky if I can get things from DS1 to DS2, in wearable condition. Maybe that's just boys....

[Deleted]

Jun 16, 2013 21:30:44 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Why are you calling them out on their bullshit?

ETA:  I meant why aren't you. 

I called my brother out on the table. He was just like "Well you should't have let me use it if you wanted it back". I mean I was pretty clear that I was letting him use it til he got his head above water financially. I literally had to walk away. it wasn't the time or place to argue and the table it gone so what point would it serve. I will NEVER loan him anything.

I did talk to the "clothes thief" lol. I posted about that here. Again.. never loaning her anything again. And honestly if I never got them back I wouldn't have been pissed. But don't say you will SELL me the clothes I gave you for your kid to use.