Long story short: My husband left back in early spring 2012 for a long distance hike. (ugh...don’t even get me started on how ridiculous this is). We were still "together" up until about a couple months ago when I finally decided I couldn’t handle it anymore and asked for a separation/divorce.
I have not spoken with a lawyer yet. I just finished graduate school and have not started my new job yet so I cannot afford a lawyer. (I plan to get a lawyer and start the divorce process once I start work in a month). We have no money in savings because he took it all plus made me send him money throughout the last year.
My problem right now is that he left most of his stuff here at the apartment. He now lives with his parents back on the east coast (I live in the midwest). I am moving in less than a month to a new city and do not know what to do with his stuff. I tried calling him several times in May to figure out what to do with his stuff. Finally I sent an email a month ago stating that he has 1 month from a specific date to make arrangements to get his things or I would donate it. He sent me back an email demanding that I take individual pictures of ALL of his things so that he can hand select what he wants me to mail to him. I told him that his demand was unreasonable and that he needs to make other plans. A few weeks went by and I heard nothing so I emailed him early this week just reminding him to figure out what he’s doing with his stuff.
Well last night he sends a very rude email stating that he can’t just take time off of work to come and get his things. He then puts all responsibility onto me to get him his stuff. He also threatens that there will be consequences if it does not happen.
So my question is: What do I do with his stuff? Am I responsible for mailing everything out to him? A bit of a back story is that he’s been abusive/controlling for several years and I wonder if he still thinks that he can control me. Basically I'm at a loss of what to do.
Box it up and set it aside until you have the divorce process started. Ask the court to give him until XXX date to come get it or you can donate it and do what you want/need with it. It is not your responsibiltiy to ship it to him but do not just throw it out right now.
ETA: I missed the part where you are moving. You need to start your divorce process sooner than later because this will become an issue quickly. Can you put it in storage and pay for 2-3 months up front while you wait to get a temporary order from the court on this issue? If so, I'd go that route for now.
Box it up and set it aside until you have the divorce process started. Ask the court to give him until XXX date to come get it or you can donate it and do what you want/need with it. It is not your responsibiltiy to ship it to him but do not just throw it out right now.
ETA: I missed the part where you are moving. You need to start your divorce process sooner than later because this will become an issue quickly. Can you put it in storage and pay for 2-3 months up front while you wait to get a temporary order from the court on this issue? If so, I'd go that route for now.
I know I need to start the process soon. I want to so badly. I honestly just don't have money to hire a lawyer at the moment. He took all of our money yet stuck me with all bills/living expenses for both of us. (I was unable to work during graduate school for the past 2 years). I used student loans to help pay for everything so far and that is running out very quickly. Not sure if I even have enough to get me through September when I finally get my first paycheck.
Putting everything in storage could work. Thanks for the suggestion.
Oh... and save every last email you send to him trying to work this out, letting him know where his things are, giving him the address and phone number to the storage place, the monthly cost, and telling him how long you have paid for it to be there, the unit number, and the combination to the lock you put on it.
My husband left back in early spring 2012 for a long distance hike
what does this mean?? lol, i'm lost.
but anyway, if you can't consult a lawyer to find out what you do have to do with his stuff, then i suggest you don't throwit out. you never know what kind of trouble that could get you in. i would put it in storage and never contact him again and at some point (probably when you start the divorce proceedings), his lawyer will probably bring this up to your lawyer and you can let them know where it is. also, as part of the divorce agreement, get all the money back from what you will pay for the storage fees.
I was confused too. Like, he went on a hike and never came back?
My husband left back in early spring 2012 for a long distance hike
what does this mean?? lol, i'm lost.
but anyway, if you can't consult a lawyer to find out what you do have to do with his stuff, then i suggest you don't throwit out. you never know what kind of trouble that could get you in. i would put it in storage and never contact him again and at some point (probably when you start the divorce proceedings), his lawyer will probably bring this up to your lawyer and you can let them know where it is. also, as part of the divorce agreement, get all the money back from what you will pay for the storage fees.
I was confused too. Like, he went on a hike and never came back?
Well it's not socially acceptable smoke anymore so it's not like he could go out for a pack of cigs.
"You. You and your crazy life. You and your geographic anomaly. You and your drunken lesbianic ways and terrible navigational skills." - ProfArt and her holy baby
Okay so this hike. It's called the Appalachian Trail. It's a thru-hike that goes all the way from Georgia up to Maine. It was suppose to take from March-November to complete non-stop. He left in March, completed in November, yet decided he "wasn't ready" to come back to be with me. So he's been living with his parents since end of November 2012.
I think putting everything in storage is a great idea. There is probably about 6 large boxes and camping gear (backpacks, sleeping bags etc) here at the apartment. So not a lot, but enough that I don't want to keep.
I am keeping track of all emails that we have sent back and forth. Plus I am pulling bank records of all the money he took and made me send him throughout the last year. Plus I have documentation of all the money I took out in student loans to pay for all of our expenses in the last two years.
fedex it to him - bill recipient, and put his address as the sender and the receiver
wait. i love this advice too.
gosh, there really are a handful of ways to fuck him over. it's like a buffet!
I had a friend do this. But he had a box of checks still at home for his (separate) bank account, and she was a signer, so she paid for it with is money. LOL! Dick never came home from happy hour one night. Just ended up with some other girl
You need to find legal aid. You need to speak so some kind of lawyer before you do anything with his stuff.
I tried to apply for legal aid back in early May but at that moment I had too much money in my savings account (even though I had no job and barely enough savings to get me through September). They told me to reapply if my accounts change. Should I do that?? Also I tried to apply for this "Volunteer Lawyer Project" in Nebraska and they said it could take up to 8 weeks to hear back from them if I even will get a lawyer. I hate this. All I want is to divorce him and move on with my life. He has abused me and treated me like shit for too long and I just want him out of my life.
fedex it to him - bill recipient, and put his address as the sender and the receiver
I could definitely do that. I like that plan better than the storage unit because then his stuff is just gone and I don't have to deal with it anymore.
Funny you should ask - I am dealing with this right now.
I told him he needs to have his stuff out by the end of this month. All of it. He hasn't lived with me in close to 6 months and I am tired of being his storage unit. Whatever he does not take will be sold or trashed. He is moving to WA anyway, and won't be coming back for it.
ETA: I am solely responsible for the rent - he hasn't given me any money since he moved out (despite promises to the contrary) so I won't feel on iota of guilt for getting rid of his stuff.
Funny you should ask - I am dealing with this right now.
I told him he needs to have his stuff out by the end of this month. All of it. He hasn't lived with me in close to 6 months and I am tired of being his storage unit. Whatever he does not take will be sold or trashed. He is moving to WA anyway, and won't be coming back for it.
ETA: I am solely responsible for the rent - he hasn't given me any money since he moved out (despite promises to the contrary) so I won't feel on iota of guilt for getting rid of his stuff.
Ugh I'm sorry you have to deal with this too.
Yea, this is what I tried to do when I sent the original email. Well now I'm just worried about getting rid of his stuff because I don't want anything to bite me in the ass during the divorce.
Financially I have been the sole provider (well my student loans have been) for 2 years now. He refused to find a new job when we moved to different state back in August 2011. It sucks because now I am the one struggling with money, yet he's the one living with his parents (rent free), has a job, and life is just peachy for him.
Funny you should ask - I am dealing with this right now.
I told him he needs to have his stuff out by the end of this month. All of it. He hasn't lived with me in close to 6 months and I am tired of being his storage unit. Whatever he does not take will be sold or trashed. He is moving to WA anyway, and won't be coming back for it.
ETA: I am solely responsible for the rent - he hasn't given me any money since he moved out (despite promises to the contrary) so I won't feel on iota of guilt for getting rid of his stuff.
Ugh I'm sorry you have to deal with this too.
Yea, this is what I tried to do when I sent the original email. Well now I'm just worried about getting rid of his stuff because I don't want anything to bite me in the ass during the divorce.
Financially I have been the sole provider (well my student loans have been) for 2 years now. He refused to find a new job when we moved to different state back in August 2011. It sucks because now I am the one struggling with money, yet he's the one living with his parents (rent free), has a job, and life is just peachy for him.
Ha. STBXH was living with his parents as well rent free, and Inwas BY FAR the primary breadwinner (even though he did work).
I'm just in fuck it mode. Or divorce is uncontested and I know he won't make a stink of it. And if he did I would ask for the 4 months of rent he still owes me, that he promised, in writing.
Funny you should ask - I am dealing with this right now.
I told him he needs to have his stuff out by the end of this month. All of it. He hasn't lived with me in close to 6 months and I am tired of being his storage unit. Whatever he does not take will be sold or trashed. He is moving to WA anyway, and won't be coming back for it.
ETA: I am solely responsible for the rent - he hasn't given me any money since he moved out (despite promises to the contrary) so I won't feel on iota of guilt for getting rid of his stuff.
Ugh I'm sorry you have to deal with this too.
Yea, this is what I tried to do when I sent the original email. Well now I'm just worried about getting rid of his stuff because I don't want anything to bite me in the ass during the divorce.
Financially I have been the sole provider (well my student loans have been) for 2 years now. He refused to find a new job when we moved to different state back in August 2011. It sucks because now I am the one struggling with money, yet he's the one living with his parents (rent free), has a job, and life is just peachy for him.
Ha. STBXH was living with his parents as well rent free, and Inwas BY FAR the primary breadwinner (even though he did work).
I'm just in fuck it mode. Or divorce is uncontested and I know he won't make a stink of it. And if he did I would ask for the 4 months of rent he still owes me, that he promised, in writing.
Ha. STBXH was living with his parents as well rent free, and Inwas BY FAR the primary breadwinner (even though he did work).
I'm just in fuck it mode. Or divorce is uncontested and I know he won't make a stink of it. And if he did I would ask for the 4 months of rent he still owes me, that he promised, in writing.
I understand the fuck it mode. I am getting there. I am just so over this waiting game. (I know that it's partly my fault because I cannot afford a lawyer yet.) All I want is for this process to start so that I can move on. I'm glad that your divorce is uncontested though...hopefully it will be a smooth process for you.
But seriously do you have any family that can help you out?
His parents HATE me. He also has a crazy/obsessive/stalker-like brother that would probably start harassing me by contacting me nonstop (this has occurred several times during our relationship) and I just can't handle that at the moment. I'm afraid that will just open a can of worms that doesn't need to be opened.
My parents don't have the money to really help me hire a lawyer. They will help me financially with rent/food if absolutely necessary but as far as a lawyer it won't happen. I know my grandparents have the money to help me, but I just can't ask for that. They are really weird about money and I would hate to owe them anything.
Just reading through that, I am realizing how messed up my life is. Ugh.
Ha. STBXH was living with his parents as well rent free, and Inwas BY FAR the primary breadwinner (even though he did work).
I'm just in fuck it mode. Or divorce is uncontested and I know he won't make a stink of it. And if he did I would ask for the 4 months of rent he still owes me, that he promised, in writing.
I understand the fuck it mode. I am getting there. I am just so over this waiting game. (I know that it's partly my fault because I cannot afford a lawyer yet.) All I want is for this process to start so that I can move on. I'm glad that your divorce is uncontested though...hopefully it will be a smooth process for you.
Thanks! And I hope you can get everything in order and over with ASAP. Is there a waiting period in your state before the divorce can be granted?
But seriously do you have any family that can help you out?
His parents HATE me. He also has a crazy/obsessive/stalker-like brother that would probably start harassing me by contacting me nonstop (this has occurred several times during our relationship) and I just can't handle that at the moment. I'm afraid that will just open a can of worms that doesn't need to be opened.
My parents don't have the money to really help me hire a lawyer. They will help me financially with rent/food if absolutely necessary but as far as a lawyer it won't happen. I know my grandparents have the money to help me, but I just can't ask for that. They are really weird about money and I would hate to owe them anything.
Just reading through that, I am realizing how messed up my life is. Ugh.
((Hugs))
You have been left with all the bills, and you are kicking butt and doing awesome. It will get better.
His parents HATE me. He also has a crazy/obsessive/stalker-like brother that would probably start harassing me by contacting me nonstop (this has occurred several times during our relationship) and I just can't handle that at the moment. I'm afraid that will just open a can of worms that doesn't need to be opened.
My parents don't have the money to really help me hire a lawyer. They will help me financially with rent/food if absolutely necessary but as far as a lawyer it won't happen. I know my grandparents have the money to help me, but I just can't ask for that. They are really weird about money and I would hate to owe them anything.
Just reading through that, I am realizing how messed up my life is. Ugh.
((Hugs))
You have been left with all the bills, and you are kicking butt and doing awesome. It will get better.
Thanks! I needed that bit of motivation/confidence booster.
Ugh! What a sucky situation. I know you said you start your job in September. If you're not already, could you pick up a waitressing/retail/etc. job in the mean time? If you have some income coming in, a lawyer may be willing to work with you on a payment plan and you can file sooner.
Ugh! What a sucky situation. I know you said you start your job in September. If you're not already, could you pick up a waitressing/retail/etc. job in the mean time? If you have some income coming in, a lawyer may be willing to work with you on a payment plan and you can file sooner.
I am moving to a new city in 3 weeks. As soon as I get there I plan to find a part-time job to help out a bit. I actually start working at my full-time position at the beginning of August but first paycheck doesn't come out till middle of September (they are on a once/month pay period on the 15th).
I knew what hike you where taking about before you explained. I think it is crazy shit. Like I hear this common among people who want to find themselves. You dodged a big ass bullet.
Having said that I would just store it and document everything and let the court deal with it I am sorry your dealing with this.