I was always the earner and/or household mechanic of my marriage. We split in 2007 Now that I have been a single mom for 5plus years my role as man of the house has been pretty much solidified. I have a tween dd and I have to start learning girlspeak. Uhg. Any help or advice is appreciated. She talks about hair and makeup and boys. Ack. I am an engineer by trade and work with zero women. Help! I was thinking of a spa day this weekend to break the ice. She is only 13 so I am going slow. What did you love to do when you were in 7th grade?
I'm pretty much a girly girl (without the make up or style sense, but plenty of dresses). I'm also the one currently swapping out all the door knobs in the house, the one who paints the walls, builds the furniture, fixes the sprinklers, hangs the art and drapes, etc.
Your first thing is to remove the whole "my role as a man of the house".
What the fuck does this even mean?
Stop it!
/drops mic
You drop your mic a lot. Might want to wash your hands once in a while. They must be slippery. I guess I mean I never really felt very girly. My dd is pretty feminine and I want to make sure I am there for her.
Your first thing is to remove the whole "my role as a man of the house".
What the fuck does this even mean?
Stop it!
/drops mic
You drop your mic a lot. Might want to wash your hands once in a while. They must be slippery. I guess I mean I never really felt very girly. My dd is pretty feminine and I want to make sure I am there for her.
Yes. That's exactly it.
Good luck with relating to your daughter. I'm sure that having those bastardized gender roles engrained in your mind must be a difficult start to this process.
/can't drop mic because i dropped it already. hands washed, thanks to being very hygienic.
Post by Jalapeñomel on Jun 24, 2013 20:31:57 GMT -5
My mom was never good with make up. I wish she had taken me to the make up counter where I could get my make up done. This could be a fun afternoon for the two of you.
You're never going to be able to relate to your teenager.
Why? Crappy wording aside about being the guy on a message board my dd and I have a good relationship. I was just looking for some nice ways to spend the weekend that she would appreciate.
Why? Crappy wording aside about being the guy on a message board my dd and I have a good relationship. I was just looking for some nice ways to spend the weekend that she would appreciate.
No, I don't mean you specifically. I'm sure you can have a good time with her, but don't set your expectations too high. She's from an entirely different generation.
Plus, she's entering a time in her life when testing you and exploring her independence are central to her identity. It's still worth reaching out and making the effort. A spa day is a nice start.
I'm with @jalapeñomel. My mom has never worn makeup and later in life she's expressed regret that she never took my sisters and I somewhere and taught us about it. I mean, we figured it out, but I do think that would have been a nice mother-daughter experience.
Post by rupertpenny on Jun 24, 2013 20:39:02 GMT -5
My mom wears makeup like twice a year, hates shopping, never does her hair, and doesn't even have pierced ears. I still managed to learn how to dress myself well, do my make-up, do my hair, and talk to boys. And she did teach me how to change a tire, drive a stick shift, sew a button, and plenty of other valuable skills. To be honest I'm glad she didn't try to fake the "girly" stuff with me, it was more fun to learn from my friends.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's ok that my mom and I have never gotten pedicures together, we are still close and she still taught me plenty of important skills.
A good friend of mine is in a somewhat similar situation. She's always been tomboyish and her daughter is the ultimate girly girl. I've gone with them on several shopping expeditions with them in part to bridge the gap. Do you have a girly friend who might do something similar?
Conversely, if you want this to be just the two of you, I think a mani/pedi followed by a girls lunch and maybe a trip to her favorite store in the mall would be a good place to start. Let her show you what she likes. I know I would have loved for my non-girly mom to have done something similar for me at that age.
IDK, read Seventeen magazine to see what teens are interested in? I was obsessed with Seventeen starting at about the age of 12.
I think quality time is probably more important than having a lot of shared interests. Just listen to her talk about what she's interested in, and if you don't know what she's talking about, ask her to explain, show pictures, whatever.
You don't need to turn into a girly girl to connect with your daughter. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful that you want to do special things with her and I think a spa day would be a great way for you to spend time together, but you don't need to change who you are or learn "girlspeak" just because she's getting older. Give her the chance to know you for who you really are.
My mom is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor of knowing. When I was a teenager I always knew that I could come to her for anything and she was always there for me no matter what, but she was a total anti-girl. She didn't own any make-up, nail polish, a blowdryer, hair products, high heels, dresses... nothing like that. We had to go out and buy me razors when I wanted to start shaving because she didn't keep any in the house. That's just who she is, and to this day I think she's perfect. She was an incredible role model to me as I was growing up and being pressured by society to fit into certain molds.
You don't need to turn into a girly girl to connect with your daughter. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful that you want to do special things with her and I think a spa day would be a great way for you to spend time together, but you don't need to change who you are or learn "girlspeak" just because she's getting older. Give her the chance to know you for who you really are.
My mom is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor of knowing. When I was a teenager I always knew that I could come to her for anything and she was always there for me no matter what, but she was a total anti-girl. She didn't own any make-up, nail polish, a blowdryer, hair products, high heels, dresses... nothing like that. We had to go out and buy me razors when I wanted to start shaving because she didn't keep any in the house. That's just who she is, and to this day I think she's perfect. She was an incredible role model to me as I was growing up and being pressured by society to fit into certain molds.
Thank you! I spend every day and weekend with this kid and we have always been so close. Lately I feel like she is growing into a lady and I'm not sure how I fit in anymore. I'll just keep being me and hope she can still appreciate whatever I have to offer.
I was never girly, my SDs are VERY girly and are also entering the preteen stage. I just support them the best I can, try to keep calm when I'm cleaning up thousands of bobby pins, rhinestones and sequins from all over the house and try to give them space when they need it.
You don't need to turn into a girly girl to connect with your daughter. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful that you want to do special things with her and I think a spa day would be a great way for you to spend time together, but you don't need to change who you are or learn "girlspeak" just because she's getting older. Give her the chance to know you for who you really are.
My mom is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor of knowing. When I was a teenager I always knew that I could come to her for anything and she was always there for me no matter what, but she was a total anti-girl. She didn't own any make-up, nail polish, a blowdryer, hair products, high heels, dresses... nothing like that. We had to go out and buy me razors when I wanted to start shaving because she didn't keep any in the house. That's just who she is, and to this day I think she's perfect. She was an incredible role model to me as I was growing up and being pressured by society to fit into certain molds.
Thank you! I spend every day and weekend with this kid and we have always been so close. Lately I feel like she is growing into a lady and I'm not sure how I fit in anymore. I'll just keep being me and hope she can still appreciate whatever I have to offer.
Teen years came much sooner than I ever expected.
I guess start by trying to remember that she may not act like she wants to be super close with you anymore (please note that this is totally normal, and doesn't actually mean that she doesn't want you around/respect you). her social circle is going to change, and you're not going to have as prevalent of a role in that part of her life. But you can still let her know you are there for her. Listen. A lot. If I remember anything about being a teenage girly girl, it is that I never shut the eff up. Good God I talked a lot. So listen.
Also ask her if she wants to do stuff. Ask if she'd like to go to the make up counter to have a consultation, just you and her. Take her out to lunch and, again, listen. Hell, leave your phones at home and go for a walk in the evening together. There's something about walking that makes people just start opening up (ok, maybe that's just me and my friends, but it is something to it, I swear).
You don't have to be girly to stay connected with your daughter.
All of my friends growing up had really fantastic moms. We were a lucky bunch. Nonetheless, almost all of us defined ourselves at that age by how we differed either from who they were or how we differed from their expectations for us. That doesn't mean we didn't know they were great women, just that we didn't let them know as often as we should have. As we grew up, we saw the similarities again. You can continue to have a good relationship. It will just change. Sometimes it will be harder, but in the long run it will still be there.
Post by RoxMonster on Jun 24, 2013 22:21:38 GMT -5
My mom and I have a great relationship and we are both girly. I don't think you need to or should change who you are. There's nothing wrong with NOT being girly. But if you want some ideas of things my mom and I did together that I enjoyed as a pre-teen/teen:
-Go to movies together. She would let me pick and we'd make an afternoon date out of it with popcorn, junk food, the works -Go get our nails done together. -Go shopping. Ask her what stores she wants to go to, offer opinions on clothes when wanted, etc. -Get into a TV show together. My mom and I had a few shows we both enjoyed watching each week and it was nice to sit down together for an hour weekly and watch our show/gossip about it -Go on coffee dates/look at magazines that she wants to read
You may not automatically be super close to her, and that's OK. You may not want to do any of these things, but these are just some ideas of fun "girly" stuff I did with my mom. Really just let her know you are there for her, listen and let her talk about what she wants to talk about with you, and you will be fine.
Post by Overthemoon on Jun 25, 2013 7:06:19 GMT -5
I agree with everyone that you shouldn't try to change who you are. Encourage her interests, participate where you can, listen to her and encourage conversation. Compliment her outfits/makeup/hairstyles. Ask her opinion on which outfit you should wear for a special occasion or let her paint your nails. Shopping and spa days are a great idea, or treating her to a nice salon haircut.
I would also think of ways to let your skills shine too, because I think it's neat that you have them. Design and install a closet makeover for her and all her new teenage clothes. Find a vintage makeup vanity on craigslist and give it a makeover in a fun, girly color for her room.