s/o dating fun guys who may not be LTR material.

[bullygirl979]

Interesting conversation in Doris's "prude" post about dating for LTR vs. dating for fun and seeing what happens.

My response was this: Being in my 30's I guess I feel that I would be wasting time dating someone that I know isn't LTR material. Because if I am dating that "fun" person that I am not available to be dating the LTR material type person. In my 20's I guess I didn't worry too much about the compatibility of my partner--I did just want to have fun. But being 33, I am ready to get married and start a family. So why waste time with someone that I know isn't a candidate for that?

However, I guess I can see Mags point as well that you never know what may happen. Wondering what everyone thinks about this?

[achase123]

I could see having fun with someone if you wanted to and knew where you both stood. I had a situation last weekend where I met a guy who lived in CO and was leaving on Sunday. We planned to hang out Saturday night and then it got too late and it didn't work out. I knew it wouldn't go anywhere at all but I figured I would just enjoy his company and not worry about anything.

I go back and forth on this. I think that it just depends on where YOU'RE at. If you want to find someone ASAP, I don't see the point in entertaining a "go nowhere" relationship. But if you are busy and aren't really looking for anything serious it could be fun!

[dakotadangerdog]

Eh I tried this last year. It ended up getting serious and we were together for 9 months before I realized I was being dumb and it would never work, so I broke it off.

[wrathofkuus]

I don't think there's any point wasting your time with someone who has dealbreakers, or someone for whom you have dealbreakers. It's just not going to be that good a time anyway.

[Bernadine]

I went out with a guy a few times that I couldn't really see myself in a relationship with. I don't think he was looking for anything serious either. We mostly just made out, which was great.

Part of the reason I'm taking a little dating break is because I don't want a relationship right now, and I don't think it's fair to keep going out with guys who might be looking for something more serious. I do enjoy dating, but the point of dating is generally to eventually get serious with someone, right? And I don't want to do that.

[audg]

I think it heavily depends on WHY you think a certain person isn't LTR material. I thought XH was LTR material and hey, looky there.. he wasn't!! So, IMO I don't think you should date with this so heavily on your mind because honestly, none of us really know where our relationships are going to end up. So, I say depending on your reason for thinking he isn't LTR material, I would just go with the flow and enjoy it.

[doriswe]

I guess I can see both sides (and Mags is a smart cookie!). One the one hand, I don't want to waste my time or someone elses if we want different things down the road. I guess my big fear is falling for someone and we would be on different pages about things and then, you're all in love and someone is having to compromise, kwim? It's much easier to make decisions without feelings involved!

On the other hand, I could be really shooting down cool people who could turn out to be a good match, even if it doesn't look like it on paper! And hell, XH looked awesome on paper, just not so good when the going got tough!!

[letyourselfgo]

I see both sides, but I couldn't do "fun dating" myself. I always take every date so seriously, and am wound pretty tight by nature....always wondering "Is this Mr. Right?" and inevitably....I drive men away.

I may change my mind on this once my dating moratorium is over.....but I'm not getting any younger either.

[Deleted]

Honestly I think it's impossible to "look" for a LTR. That just seems like your setting yourself up for failure and putting too much pressure on a lot of things at the early dating stages. I think it leads to huge amounts of overthinking things.

I think you need to take a step back and look at dating people who you enjoy with the main goal to have fun and see how things develop. Now obviously don't date someone who you don't have fun with, but start focusing more on the now, than the future. I don't think you can predict who will be LTR material until you've at least gone on a few dates with them.

[heavenly]

I dated someone for the shear fact that he was sexy good looking and significantly younger than me with the intention of knowing we would not be LTR. At the time I didn't want to have a LTR and just fun. He was a big time player and I knew it.

However, this didn't stop him from becoming overly jealous and scary because he stalked me for a long time when I refused to marry him.

You can't control what other people do or think. This is why I am more careful... doesn't mean I don't want to have fun but be accountable for my own actions as I don't want to go through what I did again.

I do worry about STD and pregnancy scare with the "fun" only type of guys too. Not a position I want to put myself in.

[heavenly]

Jun 14, 2012 10:40:53 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I don't think there's any point wasting your time with someone who has dealbreakers, or someone for whom you have dealbreakers. It's just not going to be that good a time anyway.

I like this!

[wrathofkuus]

I have to admit, I've never understood the difference between "fun" guys and guys you marry. Presumably you marry a guy because being with him is such a good time that you want it to be permanent, right? And things you wouldn't want in a husband are things that you just plain don't like and wouldn't find to be any fun in the short term either, no?

[bullygirl979]

Jun 14, 2012 12:12:02 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I have to admit, I've never understood the difference between "fun" guys and guys you marry. Presumably you marry a guy because being with him is such a good time that you want it to be permanent, right? And things you wouldn't want in a husband are things that you just plain don't like and wouldn't find to be any fun in the short term either, no?

I think by "fun" the thought was someone that you have a good time with but wouldn't be marriage material.

[wrathofkuus]

*blink*

That explained precisely nothing.

[heavenly]

Jun 14, 2012 12:12:02 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I have to admit, I've never understood the difference between "fun" guys and guys you marry. Presumably you marry a guy because being with him is such a good time that you want it to be permanent, right? And things you wouldn't want in a husband are things that you just plain don't like and wouldn't find to be any fun in the short term either, no?

For me personally, I think I used the wrong terminology of "fun". Of course I want to marry a fun guy and be frisky with him.

I can tell when a guy is not that really into me but just want to have good sex and keep his options open vs someone who is wanting to have fun and "try" it out to see how it goes.

[bullygirl979]

Jun 14, 2012 12:15:51 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

*blink*

That explained precisely nothing.

Well, I think it means different things for different people.

For me, it would be someone who I have a grand ole time with but hates dogs, doesn't want to get married or have children.

[dakotadangerdog]

With the guy I dated I loved everything about him except for the fact that he was an alcoholic and he refused to try to quit drinking, even though I knew it was possible, since before we met he'd been sober for a year and in AA.

[jade28]

Oooh I do have some thoughts on this topic because I have learned so much through my experience about dating for fun vs. for a relationship.

When I was younger, I used to just date anyone and everyone. I always went with the flow and had fun. I never had a list of what I wanted or needed in a relationship or from a partner. I met my Ex when I wasn't looking for a relationship but I thought why not have fun. I fell in love and it was great. Then of course I realized he didn't have the traits I needed and wanted in a guy. I spent six years just having fun with someone because I got distracted with lovey emotions and the life we started building together. It wasn't a good match that took into my wants, my life, my personality and my needs because I didn't have that in mind when I met him.

The thing is, it is great to date for fun but when you spend a lot of time with someone even just for fun, I find it gets comfortable and emotions start to develop no matter what. You can know they are a bad long-term match, but feelings you develop and the comfort level you get to can make you take the leap anyway....

Now, this time around, I have a list of what I need and want. I still get distracted with guys that fall short but then I force myself to cut ties even when there are feelings and I think they are great.

I am only 28 but my biggest life goals center around having a family and kids. I've got the career, home, hobbies, friends and everything else down. But I have always wanted kids and to be a mother. As much as I LOVE dating and meeting new people and having fun, I know I want to eventually find someone I can have kids with and that means sticking to my list and making the tough choices. Because fun can be a distraction and take away your focus and energy and time from what you really want.

[Deleted]

I agree w/ Kuus. It's one thing to start dating someone and not expect it to go anywhere and another to date a man that has dealbreakers. For example, when I first started dating FI, I didn't put any pressure on the relationship to be anything other than what it was and let it develop naturally. I didn't see any dealbreakers though and was okay with not knowing if it would last and was willing to just wait and see what happened.

It ended up being great for me because I didn't keep assessing whether or not I needed to make a decision if this was my FOREVER guy or not. It also helped me keep a clear head and see him for who he was, rather than getting caught up in the fairytale. I would not be able to date someone like that knowing there was something about them that I wasn't comfortable with though.

[bullygirl979]

Jun 14, 2012 13:37:48 GMT -5 doglove said:

I agree w/ Kuus. It's one thing to start dating someone and not expect it to go anywhere and another to date a man that has dealbreakers. For example, when I first started dating FI, I didn't put any pressure on the relationship to be anything other than what it was and let it develop naturally. I didn't see any dealbreakers though and was okay with not knowing if it would last and was willing to just wait and see what happened.

It ended up being great for me because I didn't keep assessing whether or not I needed to make a decision if this was my FOREVER guy or not. It also helped me keep a clear head and see him for who he was, rather than getting caught up in the fairytale. I would not be able to date someone like that knowing there was something about them that I wasn't comfortable with though.

This is exactly my thoughts as well. I mean, I don't date and think that I HAVE to know by month 3 if this is the guy that I am meant to marry. But why waste time with someone "fun" if I KNOW that it won't go anywhere (i.e. he hates dogs or doesn't want kids). I would rather date someone that I am compatible with and see if it is a long term thing.

[wrathofkuus]

hates dogs = the anti-fun

[bullygirl979]

Jun 14, 2012 14:18:59 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

hates dogs = the anti-fun

Lol....my, my, taking everything so literally. I just prefer a guy who is fun but also loves dogs (or least like my 3), wants to get married and have children.

ETA: hates dogs = dealbreaker for bullygirl

[Deleted]

I hope this comes out right, but i doubt it...

My point was why are so many people searching for that 1 guy? why does it have to be so serious? why cant you just date a lot of different guys to find out who is the right one? why does the goal have to be marriage and children and thats it?

I guess while and after my divorce I wanted nothing to do with another LTR I wanted to test the waters...visit different places....try new flavors etc...i wasnt on the hunt for a new H.

I hope that explains it ok

[bullygirl979]

Jun 14, 2012 14:39:54 GMT -5 mags said:

I hope this comes out right, but i doubt it...

My point was why are so many people searching for that 1 guy? why does it have to be so serious? why cant you just date a lot of different guys to find out who is the right one? why does the goal have to be marriage and children and thats it?

I guess while and after my divorce I wanted nothing to do with another LTR I wanted to test the waters...visit different places....try new flavors etc...i wasnt on the hunt for a new H.

I hope that explains it ok

No, that totally explains it. Hopefully my explanation is thorough too.

I have been divorced 4 years. I have tested the waters, dated the "fun, crazy" guys, tried different flavors. I am ready to settle down and have kids. Being 33, yes, I am aware that I am getting older and eventually will not be able to have kids. I am ready to settle down. Does that mean I am willing to settle--hell no! I am not going to rush into marriage but I guess I don't see the point in dating someone who has dealbreakers or I can't see myself with long term. Make sense?

[doriswe]

Jun 14, 2012 14:39:54 GMT -5 mags said:

I hope this comes out right, but i doubt it...

My point was why are so many people searching for that 1 guy? why does it have to be so serious? why cant you just date a lot of different guys to find out who is the right one? why does the goal have to be marriage and children and thats it?

I guess while and after my divorce I wanted nothing to do with another LTR I wanted to test the waters...visit different places....try new flavors etc...i wasnt on the hunt for a new H.

I hope that explains it ok

You explained it well!! While I AM looking for the LTR, I'm not solely focused on finding that and only that. I'm open to a fun relationship that may or may not develop into something bigger, but I don't want to meet some dude who's looking for more if I'm in it for a fun time...I guess I just want to be on the same page with whomever I'm seeing....and I think I'm getting better about being able to express that.

[heavenly]

Jun 14, 2012 14:39:54 GMT -5 mags said:

I hope this comes out right, but i doubt it...

My point was why are so many people searching for that 1 guy? why does it have to be so serious? why cant you just date a lot of different guys to find out who is the right one? why does the goal have to be marriage and children and thats it?

I guess while and after my divorce I wanted nothing to do with another LTR I wanted to test the waters...visit different places....try new flavors etc...i wasnt on the hunt for a new H.

I hope that explains it ok

For me, I am not looking for marriage. I actually don't want to think about marriage unless the right guy comes along. I would love to be in a healthy relationship someday though. Key word for me is “Healthy Relationship”. That is what I am looking for.
I think I am pretty good at discerning the character of a lot of men better now days and I also think it is an age thing and learning from life experiences that got me to this point right now. I do meet a lot of guys but I also turn them down as soon as I see any red flags. Now that I am more experienced with relationships, I see red flags a lot quicker and I respond to them a lot quicker too. If you were to ask me when I was in my 20's, I would have a different response and go all out with dating.
No, I don’t think it is wrong to test the water and go see what is out there and do encourage that. But I guess for me at this point, I know I don’t want to have sex unless I am in a committed relationship which narrows down my dating pool. I am also better at protecting my heart too and I got to protect DS’s heart also.
Now if I was okay with having sexual relations with others in non-committed relationships, then yes I probably would be dating more men to satisfy my sexual needs. But that is not what I want at this point in my life. Friendship is more important to me than dating right now as I get more satisfaction from that.

[Deleted]

Jun 14, 2012 14:52:57 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Jun 14, 2012 14:39:54 GMT -5 mags said:

I hope this comes out right, but i doubt it...

My point was why are so many people searching for that 1 guy? why does it have to be so serious? why cant you just date a lot of different guys to find out who is the right one? why does the goal have to be marriage and children and thats it?

I guess while and after my divorce I wanted nothing to do with another LTR I wanted to test the waters...visit different places....try new flavors etc...i wasnt on the hunt for a new H.

I hope that explains it ok

No, that totally explains it. Hopefully my explanation is thorough too.

I have been divorced 4 years. I have tested the waters, dated the "fun, crazy" guys, tried different flavors. I am ready to settle down and have kids. Being 33, yes, I am aware that I am getting older and eventually will not be able to have kids. I am ready to settle down. Does that mean I am willing to settle--hell no! I am not going to rush into marriage but I guess I don't see the point in dating someone who has dealbreakers or I can't see myself with long term. Make sense?

Yes, it makes sense after 4 years I might have been feeling the same. My H2 was one of the guys i was dating for fun....it turned into more eventually, but it was fun for 2 years!! You never know what might happen.

I just see so many women with their eye on the prize that they miss out on a lot of fun getting there.

[wrathofkuus]

Oh, no, I get not looking for The One. I just was unclear on dating guys for fun who aren't fun enough to even want it to last forever.

[Deleted]

for "fun" i meant without looking for a serious relationship...lol

[bullygirl979]

Jun 14, 2012 15:33:45 GMT -5 mags said:

for "fun" i meant without looking for a serious relationship...lol

Exactly. Or has obvious dealbreakers.