Intro: I'll probabaly be here for awhile

[elenetxu]

Hello TIP! I'm elenetxu, a regular on the International Living board.

It's been a rough week. DH has been very stressed lately and the stress has been coming out on me. I went to a local therapist to see what I could do to help him and the therapist said:
1. He sounds like he has light Borderline Personality Disorder.
and
2. The best thing I can do is to get him to help himself. I can't do much.

Since this is Spain, the therapist gave me the example of a bullfight
(good lord, you know you're in Spain when...). He said: "You're in the
ring. You're unlucky- you get the bad bull, the one who goes right for
you instead of the cape. You have two options: walk out of the ring or
stay and fight."

Things have only gotten bad this year. He has gone through a lot: a week in the hospital, finding out he has chronic illness, losing his job while he was in the hospital, and then public service exams. However, even though he's going through / been through stress, I didn't find his reactions to said problems all that normal. I've been debating whether I'm being an insensitive asshole by not understanding such extreme moods when he's under so much stress. That's why it's taken me a few months to finally talk to a professional.

For now, I'm going to stay and fight. I bought "Walking on Eggshells" to try and get a glimpse into what's going on that I just don't understand. It should be here in the next few days.

I thought I'd introduce myself over here to say hello since I get the feeling I'll be around for a bit. I'm thousands of miles from home and have no friends close enough (that are not also mutual friends) to confess this to. So, hi!

[captainmel]

Hi and welcome!

Has he been to see a therapist? Does he aknowledge that there might be some issues going on? That seems like a really long list of things that have been burdens lately I can't imagine going through all of that so close together.

It seems to me that staying and fighting would be impossible unless he is willing to fight for himself too.

[elenetxu]

When I said he was going to see a therapist he quickly asked: "Are you going to make me go too? I'm not going."

The doctor says the exact same thing. I'm going to ask him again to find some help. He was angry at me when I took him to the hospital this spring, "I'm not going!" until I insisted and broke down. He went, and hasn't said anything negative about it. So, I do have hope that when he sees the benefits of something he didn't want to do it will be ok.

Also, I get the feeling it doesn't help that he's on prednisone for his illness.

[margarita]

Hello, and welcome. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

[starrieskies]

Hi! I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you! Stick around! There are lots of amazing women over here who give great advice and are always willing to listen!

[captainmel]

Ugh, predisone is really hard. My cat takes Budesonide every day and I really think sometimes it has been changing his personality. Is willing to at least talk to the doctor about his medicine dosages? I feel like maybe this could be a good starting point for more in depth discussions regarding his health.

I am not totally sure on this but isn't one of the big traits of BPD a resistance to therapy/medication/treatment?

[Deleted]

Unfortunately if he doesn't want to help himself there is nothing you can do and the situation will only get worse.

Give yourself a timeframe and stick to it.

The prednisone is not helping im sure....how long will he be on it?

[Muddled]

I'm sorry. What a sucky situation for you.

You know already that you can only control yourself, so the only thing you can do is decide what your boundaries are. How much are you willing to take? You can't control him, but you can control your reaction to him.

Good luck.

[motzie]

Hi! Welcome!

Prednisone is a bitch, and it makes for some assholish behavior. It's not always easy to deal with, even when you know where the mood swings are coming from.

[elenetxu]

Thanks for the welcome

As for the Prednisone, I'm not sure how long he'll be on it. They're doing all sorts of tests this month and he'll see the rheumatologist again in the beginning of August. I'm going to ask if there's another way to treat what he has.

As for the BPD, I'm completely lost. I bought the book the doc recommended this afternoon and I'm anxiously awaiting its arrival!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

[tiramisu]

Welcome! I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think you'll find a supportive and insightful group of women here.

As far as dealing with BPD, it's hard. One thing I've found that's helped my sanity is trying to remember that those outsized reactions aren't personal and there's nothing you can do to fix them. You just set your own boundaries, calmly and firmly, and stick to them. And find other emotional supports besides your husband. I wish you lots of luck. I know that might sound dismissive and I don't mean for it to, I really think luck and patience are huge for you right now. I hope also that YH will agree to go to therapy.

[partiallysunny]

I how your husband gets the help he needs. What a ducky situation for everyone.

Like others have said, all you can so is control yourself. Give yourself a timeline and such to it.

[mrsukyankee]

Please also note that a therapist shouldn't be diagnosing based only on your explanation of behaviours - BPD is a very complex diagnosis and takes more than a few months of behaviour to understand. Unless you've seen a lot of these behaviours before but pushed them out of your mind, I'd be more likely to guess that some of this is brought on by drugs, his anxieties and fear. Doesn't mean that he should be mean to you, and you do have to make a decision what you can put up with. I do think it's good to keep communicating with him about your feelings - use those 'me/I' statements (I feel sad when you yell about this...I get upset when you...). Good luck!

[elenetxu]

I made a list of all the things that have seemed strange to me over our whole relationship (comments from friends/family, behaviors, reactions, etc.) and discussed them with the doctor. He told me nothing is certain because he hasn't worked with DH, but just about everything sounded dead on.

The good news is that these behaviors only get bad when he's stressed or we're in a tough situation. It's been an amazing weekend here, and I feel silly for having gone to the doc or posted, but I know these things aren't going to go away. We had a long talk on Friday night.

Thanks mrsukyankee, I was wondering what you would say!!