I don't even know where to start... MIL(/DH?) probs

[omgguineapigs]

I'm flying to Montana to spend a couple days at the Museum, gathering new data on my dinosaur bones so I can finally get this thesis published.  I've been needing to do this for months now, and summer is where I have time to do it.  OK.  We have so damn many things scheduled this summer, every single weekend, that I really only had one window so I bought the plane tickets.  Turns out that's the weekend we're supposed to go on a "mystery trip" with H's family (I'll get to THAT in a minute).  I should have put it on my calendar, and H didn't even remember the exact date either, but now I can't go, so unless they get another person, H has to pay for my ticket for whatever-the-hell the ticket is for.  This is the second time this has happened, because in December they did a "mystery trip" (be patient! We'll cover that) and I couldn't go because I didn't want my parents to have to watch our dogs since they were hosting a Christmas party in a couple days, but I was also busy grading finals so I didn't mind.  But H kindly reminded me that this is the "second time he's had to pay for my ticket" last night, which really hurt.

"Mystery trips" are passive-aggressive, extremely manipulative and control-freaky outings by my MIL where, while she does a good job finding activities that we all would enjoy (about eight of us - very small family), you don't know ahead of time what you are signing up for.  This was fine when we weren't as busy, but this summer we're remodeling a kitchen, getting an advanced scuba certification so we can do some deep dives on our vacation to the Keys in August with H's family (oh yes, you didn't know that we take vacations with them?) and trying to get in some relaxation as well.  So, honestly, I forgot, but I wish I hadn't said I could go in the first place - that is totally my fault, and I'll apologize.

...but I do not get along as well with this woman as I used to.  2 years ago H couldn't come on their family vacation, but I still wanted to and my mom came along as well.  I went out on my own one evening, mostly to get work done on my laptop at a restaurant, and MIL said something nasty to my mom about me "looking nice" and going out to a "bar" all by myself, and it blew up into a fight where I had to defend myself and my mom, who had a brain injury several years ago and really is not capable of arguing with someone.  It was terrible and ruined the whole trip for me, and my relationship with MIL, even though she apologized the next day, has never been the same.  I don't recall her apologizing to my mom, and that pisses me off the most.  I can take care of myself, but my mom deserves better.

And of course, like all issues of this sort, H doesn't really realize how abnormal this is, or he at least feels powerless because his mom really is just that controlling (my mom and I are not the only people she has recently alienated with this behavior.)  Because his mom apologized to me, he never said anything to her about it (since he wasn't even on that trip).  We don't get into fights, and we get along very well, but whenever we do have arguments it has ALWAYS been about her and her expectations of ME with "the family."  I'm sorry, I have my own family, and they more or less respect my decisions.  H knows all this, but I think it bothers me more than I let on, and that fight from 2 years ago still REALLY bothers me, and he isn't the type to "hold grudges," which is complete bullshit.

I guess that's enough for now, but H and I also haven't felt very connected lately and haven't been very romantic to each other.  I don't know why - this MIL thing doesn't come up as often as the above pile would indicate, so I don't know what is going on.  We're in a funk.  I'm in a funk, myself, lately.

So, anything would be appreciated.

[Wrath0fKuus]

First of all, I think that you need to admit to both yourself and him that you let yourself forget this date because you don't want to go, not ever, not at all. And that said, you can say that you are unlikely ever to go on a mystery trip again.

The fact that he forgets when it is, too, indicates to me that he isn't that enthused either.

[omgguineapigs]

Yeah, I mean, it's something they've been doing as a family for a long time and the other kids are adults too, but still want to go, so it almost seems like a tradition rather than something that H REALLY wants to do, though he seemed to have fun on the last one. I was thinking that too - it did sound good at the time, but once we start looking at the calendar and important things like this trip to Montana come up, it starts to feel pretty unimportant. But I still said I would and so of course I look like the asshole.

[Wrath0fKuus]

I guess you do, maybe, but do they really think people want to spend their time going on mystery trips with their in-laws? Would THEY want to go on mystery trips with their in-laws instead of spending that time doing something of their own choosing?

[cuddlyevil]

{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad you made it over here, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.

[neonpink]

I would rather know ahead of time what I'm doing. That would really piss me off. You're paying for something and have no idea what. I would go ahead and go to Montana. Tell them your sorry but your thesis is important.

From now on I think I would not go on the trips or say the "mystery" part needs to stop. You guys aren't children anymore. You can plan and be apart of the trips you take.

[Wrath0fKuus]

The good news is that if he isn't one to hold grudges, then he shouldn't stay upset with you.

[motzie]

You need to get away from these family vacations. I can't imagine not one, but three family vacations in the span of a year. If you have fun, maybe go on one, after MIL tells you where the fuck you are going. I don't see how your H can get pissy with you for having to pay for "your ticket" for his mom's bullshit surprise vacation. Is he normally so yours and mine with money?

[omgguineapigs]

Oh I'm not canceling my trip - no way. The crappy part is I was looking SO forward to it - it was my home for 3 years so I couldn't wait to be there again, and I'm glad that I FINALLY acquired enough motivation to finish my work on this research, despite battling depression, and insecurity and fear of failure. AND THEN I got in trouble with his family, and I'm not sure with him or not. I don't even know if I care. But it does put a damper on things for me.

[omgguineapigs]

Jul 1, 2013 12:33:41 GMT -5 motzie said:

I don't see how your H can get pissy with you for having to pay for "your ticket" for his mom's bullshit surprise vacation. Is he normally so yours and mine with money?

Not at all - we never have arguments about money.  I was shocked about that too, which is why it hurt so bad - he's never said anything like that.  :c (

So, I gather that mystery trips are not a normal part of family vacationing? (sarcasm)  Seriously I've been saying this the whole goddamn time.  Ugh.  I really think they're a control mechanism.

[Wrath0fKuus]

I just noticed that this would make three vacations with them in the span of a year. Why? Why is this happening, or planned?

[omgguineapigs]

It's closer to 4 in a year, actually. With the Keys this summer, they won a condo package for a week and asked the rest of of us to stop by for however long as we want, and since we're doing scuba now we're all for that. That's not a surprise trip, and is costing us almost nothing. The one last summer was like that as well. The weekend mystery trips? Would you believe those used to be several days long, right before Christmas? H did put a stop to us attending those, after a couple fights between MIL and us, so they've become these short things instead. So it already feels like a compromise, but I still don't want to go apparently.

[Wrath0fKuus]

But seriously, three or four trips a year with his family? Do you ever go on vacations without his family in tow?

[Deleted]

Jul 1, 2013 12:33:41 GMT -5 motzie said:

You need to get away from these family vacations. I can't imagine not one, but three family vacations in the span of a year. If you have fun, maybe go on one, after MIL tells you where the fuck you are going. I don't see how your H can get pissy with you for having to pay for "your ticket" for his mom's bullshit surprise vacation. Is he normally so yours and mine with money?

I agree - this is a lot of time to spend with his family during your free time. Do you guys take vacations without his family? 

[Deleted]

Jul 1, 2013 12:54:33 GMT -5 omgguineapigs said:

It's closer to 4 in a year, actually. With the Keys this summer, they won a condo package for a week and asked the rest of of us to stop by for however long as we want, and since we're doing scuba now we're all for that. That's not a surprise trip, and is costing us almost nothing. The one last summer was like that as well. The weekend mystery trips? Would you believe those used to be several days long, right before Christmas? H did put a stop to us attending those, after a couple fights between MIL and us, so they've become these short things instead. So it already feels like a compromise, but I still don't want to go apparently.

Well maybe not money wise.... I don't know why you have to compromise and plan vacations with these people. Do you live far from them or close? I missed that. Do you only see them on these family vacations or do you see them at other points in the year?

[Wrath0fKuus]

And even if this is all you see of them, wouldn't once a year do?

[Deleted]

Jul 1, 2013 13:01:37 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

And even if this is all you see of them, wouldn't once a year do?

Yeah I agree that 4 times a year is excessive even if it is the only time she sees them. And usually all my vacation time to visit family would make me irritable and resentful. 

[Wrath0fKuus]

Jul 1, 2013 13:02:50 GMT -5 doglove said:

Jul 1, 2013 13:01:37 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

And even if this is all you see of them, wouldn't once a year do?

Yeah I agree that 4 times a year is excessive even if it is the only time she sees them. And usually all my vacation time to visit family would make me irritable and resentful. 

Even using HALF of my vacation time to visit family would have me spitting nails.

[omgguineapigs]

No, they're close so we see them at other times as well, and yeah, we have vacations without them - we just had a great trip together in May, though since it was on a boat with 11 other people it wasn't as romantic or intimate as it could have been (live-aboard scuba trip). Now that you guys are counting, it does sound like a lot with them... The weird thing is that it's a small family, and due to divorce or single mom-ness, I'm really the only one who's NOT a related family member who goes on these, except for one husband who doesn't really have family of his own anyway. So no one else thinks it's weird.

[captainmel]

Do you ever go on vacation without them?

Your research takes priority. It almost feels like H might be somehow jealous of you putting time and energy into yourself instead of this mystery trip.

[Wrath0fKuus]

I'm surprised that your DH and his siblings don't think it's weird. I mean, you see them all the time, and you go on four trips a year together - why aren't these people sick of their parents?!

[Wrath0fKuus]

Jul 1, 2013 13:19:22 GMT -5 captainmel said:

Your research takes priority. It almost feels like H might be somehow jealous of you putting time and energy into yourself instead of this mystery trip.

I could see this if it were someone else, but this sounds unlike Mr. Pigs.

[omgguineapigs]

Jul 1, 2013 13:19:22 GMT -5 captainmel said:

Your research takes priority. It almost feels like H might be somehow jealous of you putting time and energy into yourself instead of this mystery trip.

He told her that my getting published was #1 importance, but he may be jealous that I get to just pick up and leave for a few days.  He has a normal 8-5 job and I get to do whatever I want, as far as scheduling goes, but I think I feel guilty more than he feels jealous.  Hopefully.

[captainmel]

I do not know Mr pigs. Maybe he is just taking it a little personally because there has been a disconnect between you two and it sounds like you have a lot of other crazy busy things going on. Was he looking for a chance to reconnect (on this odd mystery vacation) and now he can't?

[smock]

I need to know more about these "mystery trips." Are they day trips? What kinds of outings are they, anyway, that you have to pre-pay for a ticket?

Also, ignore your H, be happy you have a great reason to miss the "mystery trip," and enjoy your research in Montana!

[Deleted]

I get the sense that this what these people do and no one has ever just rocked the boat or questioned it? It sounds like you and Mr. Pigs need a trip (or time/space) on your own so you can connect romantically though. 

[omgguineapigs]

Jul 1, 2013 13:19:58 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

I'm surprised that your DH and his siblings don't think it's weird. I mean, you see them all the time, and you go on four trips a year together - why aren't these people sick of their parents?!

He has one younger sister and she and MIL are "best friends" - to the extent that MIL has to be all up in her business about SIL's dating life or else she refuses to babysit for her (SIL is a single mom).  And then there's a cousin who is afraid to go anywhere without her mother, and then her mother, and the cousin's husband who has almost no family of his own.  Then H's parents, and sometimes a grandparent or two, and that's the group.  So no, no one thought it was weird until I started refusing to go one these things when they were for several days right before Christmas, because you know, I have my family too.  I think MIL is still realizing that - every holiday was a nightmare while H and I were dating.

[Wrath0fKuus]

So these people are just kind of crazy and enmeshed in general. Looks like you're going to just have to get used to them being mad at you.

[omgguineapigs]

The trip in December, for instance, they went to some Christmas town thing a few hours away, and a nice dinner, some shopping, and the next day, zip-lining in a cave. Stuff like that.

[Deleted]

Jul 1, 2013 13:30:44 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

So these people are just kind of crazy and enmeshed in general. Looks like you're going to just have to get used to them being mad at you.

Yeah after you say no several times, I'm sure they'll get the picture.