Post divorce re-actions to First World Problems

[cemacmil]

If you went through a divorce/break-up that was not such a healthy one or process: Did you find that after you delt with a lot of the big things - when your life was back on track, good days out-weighed the tough ones by a lot, that when you did run into "First World Problems" that you tended to react more harshly at first?

I don't want to use the word "over-react" because that is not really right - but more your feelings about something small were more intense for a little bit before your head brought you backk to earth. Like I was having crazy internet/technology issues last night, couldn't get online, or use my media player - just wanted to chill, etc.....so no biggie and I got it fixed today along with my computer but I feel like I flipped out too much about nothing.

Obviously I was able to realize this before bed last night and calm down, but it took my head saying - "dude calm down." Anyone else? Could this be that I/we are so use to reacting so harshly to bigger things that it takes a while to norm out on that?

[explorer2001]

I think I was the opposite. My ex was super abusive and made everything a battle. If I wanted something it meant I was a horrible bitch. I had to fight for everything. Now I'm so much more mellow because compared to that nothing is that big a deal. Ex I ended up laughing and joking with the guy who rearended my car. I have gotten much better at knowing what's worth fighting about and when and how to do it.

[heavenly]

I have to say... my post-divorce reaction is completely different this time around compared to my first divorce which was me leaving a very violent/abusive marriage/relationship then.

My self esteem was shot, it was super easy to set me off or make me feel really bad and I was way too hard on myself. I had a hard time seeing things for what they really are after all my first ex managed to chip away my dreams, desire, sense of self worth, feeling safe, feeling lovable and so on.

Looking back.. I know I was not in a good healthy mental state but for unknown reasons, I was not ready to let go and take over my mental health and well being. I am not sure if it was because I didn't know how or if that was how I survived and was comfortable with because it was all I knew from my upbringing.

Once I started to hang out with positive and caring people, I started to realize I didn't need to carry the weight of my past and my moods became better. I have more good days than bad now because I have a wonderful support group and I take the effort to cut ties with toxic people. I am a visual person, so I need to “see” what love looks like before I understood how to change for myself.

So for me it took 10 years to heal from my post-divorce. Everyone is different.

[cemacmil]

Jun 14, 2012 14:38:06 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

I think I was the opposite. My ex was super abusive and made everything a battle. If I wanted something it meant I was a horrible bitch. I had to fight for everything. Now I'm so much more mellow because compared to the nothing is that big a deal. Ex I ended up laughing and joking with the guy who rearended my car. I have gotten much better at knowing what's worth fighting about and when and how to do it.

I can be MUCH more calm when it comes to the big stuff now - XH and I have a DD together - but I left when I was pg so I am mainly 24/7 mom. At first I let my anger cause my reactions to his....comebacks, harsh or sarcastic words, etc when it came to visits whatnot but now I can control my reactions better by having worked on myself plus limiting things to email (nice suggestion counsler) and I have taken some in-class and online co-parenting classes that taught me it is about DD and how she feels about both of us (eventually, she is only almost 1) and herself. XH still seems angry in that I don't think he is getting that by still harshness with me or my family sometimes, interactions with DD, whatnot. But again, I have learned to take care of myself and DD first both physically and emotionally so I don't react much anymore.

But the little things that are FWP for me, I guess I can see like MCC said, build up or are built on the fact that I have to deal with all of them, I am HOH, I am a co-parent trying to teach DD's dad, 2 grandmothers, and a grandfather the basics sometimes. I wish they would all take those classes to let go of any anger ANYONE may have for her sake - but I also realize to a point, it's not my problem anymore to fix.

[explorer2001]

Yeah I get that. No kids and no reason to deal with exH, especially with OOP. However there are/were major issues with my family that I'm still dealing with. They go nuts when I refuse to conform to how they think I should be which is completely unhealthy. Between professional life, running the house, charity, advocacy, etc. And trying to teach my patents and family how to be respectful in an emotionally healthy mutual relationship, it can be frustrating and overwhelming.

But their choices are beyond my control. I just choose how I react to them. Hence patience being my response in the other post. My mom is learning just taking a long time. My dad and brother are another story.