For those who choose to be childfree for life...

[RoxMonster]

Can I dump some serious thoughts here and discuss?

H and I do not want to have kids. We've talked about it at length and have many reasons for not wanting them, but every so often I wonder, "What if?" What will we be missing by not having kids? And then I feel bad about our parents.

I'm an only child so I'm my mom's only chance at being a grandma. Right now she is doting on her grand-dog lol. My parents would be A-Mazing grandparents and it makes me sad they will never get that chance. But then I know that rationally, I cannot have a kid just for my parents. They won't be the ones financing the child or raising him/her and my H and I have to do what's right for us.

I do have a BIL who has a serious girlfriend and they will almost certainly get married. I know for a fact they want kids, so my ILs (who have made MANY comments to us about getting grandchildren) will at least have their kid(s). It still makes me feel bad for both my parents and ILs. How do you get past that feeling of guilt?

We were hanging out with some mutual friends of friends (both single women about my age) we had not seen in a couple years this past weekend. I think we were showing them pics of our dogs and my H said something along the lines of, "She's our child, especially since we don't want kids." They were shocked.

"You don't want kids? Ever?"

"Nope." I kept the reply short and sweet. I'm working on realizing the fact that we do not nor should we feel we have to defend our decisions to anyone.

They were silent a second and then one goes, "But if it happened by accident, you'd be OK with it right?"

"No." I replied again. They laughed.

I think this whole exchange is what got me thinking hardcore about the kids/no kids issue.

So I guess I'm just looking for experiences of other childfree couples. I literally do not know one single couple in my life (who is older and not just married recently) who does not have children. I feel abnormal (though I know many people choose to be childfree). How do you get over the guilty feeling of not giving your parents grandkids? Do you ever regret your decision to not reproduce? Do you ever feel you "missed out" on things by not having kids?

[glw]

MH and I are never-evers. An accident wouldn't be okay with me, either. In our case, we both have siblings who have or will have kids, so both sets of parents are/will be grandparents. However, I'm the oldest in my family and MH's family is is VERY into kids (he has 53 first cousins...) so there was tons of pressure for us to breed. Neither of us feel guilty in that respect, though. It's just not their choice to make. Becoming a grandparent is not something that anyone can do or not do by their own accord, so if it's not in the cards, that's something that they will have to deal with on their own.

And as far as "missing out"...I'm just not a kid person, so I honestly don't feel I am or will be missing out on anything. There isn't anything about kids or parenting that appeals to me. Lots of people have asked us, "Well what about when your old and it's Christmas?!", but the typical vision of a large extended family all gathered together for a holiday is not something that appeals to me, so it's a moot point. I'd rather be on a beach with just my husband.

[Deleted]

How do you get past that feeling of guilt?
I never felt guilty about it. I've felt this way and have been very vocal about for years. So my parents have never brought it up to me because they knew the deal even before I was an adult. My MIL OTOH mentions it once in a while and I just matter of factly tell her to back off. Maybe it comes with age? IDK, I've been married to S for 16 years so for the most part we don't get questioned about it anymore.

Do you ever regret your decision to not reproduce?
Nope

Do you ever feel you "missed out" on things by not having kids?
Not at all. I actually feel like I would have missed out on more had I chosen to have kids. I have no maternal feelings, never have, and the thought of having kids makes me super-anxious. I want no parts of it. We've grown accustomed to doing what we what, when we want, and we're happy this way. Our priorities are completely different than our friends who do have kids.

[Deleted]

H and I are still fairly young (I'm 28 and he is 30) so no, we don't regret or feel like we missed out. In theory we could still change our minds and have several years to reproduce.

I have never felt guilty about not giving my parents/in laws grand kids. Partly because they already have them and partly because it is my life. Sure part of me just doesn't want kids but there are other more rational/logical reasons I don't want them too. It is best for me and my possible future children if they just don't exist.

My parents have 1 grand son and their lives revolve around him. My mom is retired and is his primary care giving plus he is all she talks about. I hear the same 'cute' stories 100 times. I think people put too much stock in grand kids. Get a hobby/travel/whatever just enjoy your retirement. If your parents are 'unfulfilled' because they don't have grandchildren that is on them not you.

Don't let other people make you feel abnormal. There is nothing abnormal about not wanting/not having children. What is abnormal is letting other people dictate major life decision because it is something you 'should' do. You have to do what is right for you. My parents were a little upset when we first told them we didn't plan to have kids (plus I don't think they took use seriously) but now they realize that it is the best decision for me.

[lizardesque]

Hi. I'm in the "never say never, but probably not" camp, and with each year, it looks less and less likely I will ever have kids. I've just never had the desire. My husband is an only child and my brother is gay with no plans to adopt, so it looks like neither of our parents will have grandchildren. Honestly, though, I've never felt very guilty about that. I'm sure they would enjoy grandchildren, but they are not essential, and I know they wouldn't want us to have kids just for their sake.

The way I figure it, whether you choose to have kids or not to, you're missing out on some things. Sometimes I wonder if I will have any regrets about not having kids, but the way I figure it, it's better to regret not having them than to have kids and then regret it.

[MyName]

Your parents almost certainly did not have a child in order to ensure that they'd have grandchildren somewhere down the line. They did it because that is what THEY wanted, and you making choices based on what YOU want should not lead to feeling guilty.

MH and I are 33/32 and we are never-evers. I would not be okay with an accident and would do what I had to do to not end up a parent, despite being theoretically "ready" based on our finances and stability. Sorry, not for me.

The only thing I really feel we're missing out on is a lot of work. It takes so much sacrifice and energy to be a good parent, and I know I am not up for it. I don't enjoy children, and I don't enjoy the crap that goes along with raising them. The last thing I'd want is to have a "maybe I was wrong" baby and then regret it. Kids know when they're not wanted, and that would be a devastating reality for some innocent kid to realize and THEN I'd feel guilty.

My great aunt passed away on Saturday morning, and she never had children. She was always with us on holidays, doted on my siblings and me for every milestone and achievement (like she did for all her siblings' children before that), and she was loved very much. You don't need to have kids to live a great life, and it doesn't mean that you "die alone" as so many people like to say. I guess I've never questioned my choices because I've had childfree people to look up to all my life. Don't question yours either.

[jennynumbers]

I think people are generally surprised and don't know what to say when someone tells them they CHOOSE not to have children because it is/was such an uncommon thing. When people ask me why I don't want them I usually reply with "For the same reason you want them, just opposite. You just do and I just don't." It's not the money, time, etc... because I'd have the money, time etc... I just never had that instinct to procreate. I don't dislike kids either. I just don't want to raise one of my own.

As far as your parents, I am glad you know that them wanting a grandchild is not a good reason to have one. Maybe they can get a puppy

[Deleted]

Jul 8, 2013 10:55:25 GMT -5 lizardesque said:

Hi. I'm in the "never say never, but probably not" camp, and with each year, it looks less and less likely I will ever have kids. I've just never had the desire. My husband is an only child and my brother is gay with no plans to adopt, so it looks like neither of our parents will have grandchildren. Honestly, though, I've never felt very guilty about that. I'm sure they would enjoy grandchildren, but they are not essential, and I know they wouldn't want us to have kids just for their sake.

The way I figure it, whether you choose to have kids or not to, you're missing out on some things. Sometimes I wonder if I will have any regrets about not having kids, but the way I figure it, it's better to regret not having them than to have kids and then regret it.

Yes!  This is what I always tell people when they throw out the "you'll regret not having them someday"

[highfive]

My H and I are never-evers as well. An accident would not be OK with me either. My H is an only child and I have a 1/2 brother ( who has kids), both of our parents are very excepting and understanding of our decision and don't give any guilt trips. Even if they did give a guilt trip, it is still my body and my finances that would go into raising the kid not theirs so I feel in the end it is my decision on what I want. 

I have never felt guilty over my decision. I really can't see myself being a mother. Even when I went through a period where I thought the thing to do was get married, get a house and have kids, I still deep down just couldn't picture having someone call me mom, it kind of freaked me out to be honest. I was so happy when H and I sat down, talked it over and just agreed this is not something either of us wants. 

As for missing out on anything....no I don't feel that way. 

[honeydew1894]

Jul 8, 2013 10:52:58 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

There is nothing abnormal about not wanting/not having children. What is abnormal is letting other people dictate major life decision because it is something you 'should' do. You have to do what is right for you.  

I have a kid, but this says how I feel. Everyone has to do what is best for them, and it is a decision only you and your DH can make.

[wineenthusiast]

Jul 8, 2013 10:52:58 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

My parents have 1 grand son and their lives revolve around him. My mom is retired and is his primary care giving plus he is all she talks about. I hear the same 'cute' stories 100 times. I think people put too much stock in grand kids. Get a hobby/travel/whatever just enjoy your retirement. If your parents are 'unfulfilled' because they don't have grandchildren that is on them not you.

I entirely believe this.  Just yesterday MIL and going on and on about how GC (BIL's son)  is her whole life and there would be no point in living w/o him.  I was just rolling my eyes laughing.  I do not feel bad in the least about not giving either set of parents children to fawn over.   I'm sure she wouldn't actually consider "not living" if she was never given a GC.  But the GC she does have is seriously the only thing she & FIL ever talk about. 

As for the "But if it happened by accident, you'd be OK with it right?" comment- My response would be "Those accidents don't happen if you don't want them to".   One of my biggest pet peeves is people saying it was an accident.  I guess there are the few RARE occasions a condom broke or something but not using prevention and then acting shocked is irritating.

I do sometimes wonder the "what if" but its not enough to make me change my mind.  I wonder the "what if" on a lot of subjects but mainly just because I over think everything and there would be a lot more "what if" thoughts going thru my head if I had a kid to worry about. 

We too don't know any other 100% sure CF couples.  I have 1 friend that moved to TN that wants to be CF but her H is pushing her hard and I'm guessing she'll probably cave.  Everyone else we used to hang out with now has kids or will soon.  Sometimes I wish we had more couple friends to do stuff with but oh well.  It's certainly not a reason to have kids!  I am really looking forward to paying off our mortgage and then having the extra income to do a lot more traveling.  Not to mention I just don't ever want to give up my freedom of getting up and going anytime I want.  I don't hate kids but they give me a sense of feeling trapped.  The first word that comes to my mind when you say child is misery.

[sitnspin]

I am a "never - ever", but my husband does have a daughter who is 23.  She is wonderful and I am so glad that we have her in our lives, but I also love that she is a grown up!!  

I don't regret a thing, but I do understand what you mean about missing out.  It does cross my mind every once in a while, but that might be because MH is almost 21 years older than me and it scares me that he might die before me and I will be alone.  BUT, then I realize that nothing is for sure in this life, so you can't live your life in a certain way because you are scared.

My parents are the most selfish people you will ever meet, so I think they would like the idea of showing off a grand-baby for a second, and then they would be of no help to me at all.  They aren't even really a part of my life, so I don't think they would be a part of my child's either.

No one bugs me about it anymore because we have been married for a while.

[michelelouise]

Jul 8, 2013 10:36:26 GMT -5 RoxMonster said:

So I guess I'm just looking for experiences of other childfree couples. I literally do not know one single couple in my life (who is older and not just married recently) who does not have children. I feel abnormal (though I know many people choose to be childfree). How do you get over the guilty feeling of not giving your parents grandkids? Do you ever regret your decision to not reproduce? Do you ever feel you "missed out" on things by not having kids?

We are currently 99% sure we aren't going to have kids. Neither of us wants them, but I suppose there is always the tiny sliver of a chance we will change our minds, we aren't so committed that we have gone and made it physically impossible yet.

Sometimes I feel bad that my parents won't have grandkids, because I know they would be great with them, and I see how my mom is with my cousin's kids and I think she is kind of sad about it, but she never pressures us. I have a sister but she is a lesbain and has been single for nearly 10 years now, I feel like the odds are not great that she will end up having one. My MIL gives us a hard time about it more, but she has 3 grandkids and a 4th on the way so I don't feel bad for her. I am hopeful that we can give my parents other things as they age as our money will not be spend on children so we can share other experiences with them like travel.

I don't regret our decision at all, there is nothing about being a mom that seems appealing to me. What I do struggle with is other peoples opinions of it. Mainly because I don't really have any role models of people who never had kids. Everyone around us has either had them already, is pregnant right now or wants to be. Or they are really young, not married or just divorced. I can see what life is like for people who HAVE kids, but it is harder to see what life is really like without them.

There are definitely things we are missing out on not having kids, but there are things that we will be able to do that people with children miss out on. And those are the things I go to bed at night dreaming about doing. If I found out I had a week to live I wouldn't think "oh I am so sorry I never had kids" I would think "I am so sorry I never got to see the great wall of china"

[shorty20]

I'm late 30s and am a "never ever", but DH has a daughter who is 15.  We have her half of the time, and I've been in her life since she was 5.  I actually think having her around was a blessing, b/c it really made me realize how much I did not want one of my own. 

Kids are totally freaking exhausting, flat out.  SD was very high maintenence as a child.  She could not do anything by herself, and was at my side constantly.  She needed entertained 24/7.   My only serenity was seriously the bathroom.  I relished the days that she was at her mom's and DH and I were alone, and I could have some peace.  I like my alone time.

That's not to say she was awful, she really wasn't.  Comparatively she was a very good kid (and still is for the most part), but that just makes me not want kids even more.  If overall she was a good kid, and she still made me exhausted, what the hell would I do with a kid that was horrible?  Also, there is constant worry, especially with technology today.  Parents have no freaking clue what their kids are doing on the internet, and even if you try to monitor what they're looking at, you have no control what they're doing at a friends house, or their other parents house, or wherever.   It's very scary.  You like to think that they'll make smart choices, but you have no way of knowing, sometimes until it's too late.  We had an incident when SD was around 12 that I never ever want to relive with another child again.  That's the worst age, mind you, those tween years.  That is when they think they know everything, but are still so freaking young that they don't think about the consequences of their actions.   She's actually much more enjoyable and pleasant as a teenager than she's ever been.

Anyhoo, DH told me when we got married that he would have another if I really wanted one, but that one was enough for him. 

I have no guilt or regrets.  I'm the youngest of 4 kids and hubby is the youngest of 5.  All of our siblings have kids, so our parents have plenty of grandkids to keep them occupied.  

I would not be okay with an "accident" either.  I would be totally, absolutely devastated, that's how strong my feelings are. 

Like others said, it is your life, and only you can decide what is best for you and what you truly want.  Don't let anyone else sway you, either way.

ETA: I just want to add that having SD around hasn't been horrible, I hope I didn't come off that way.  We've done some really fun things over the years, and I love her to death, I can't imagine her not in my life.  However, that doesn't mean I want another one of her running around   Kids are just very stressful and a ton of work, and just because they turn 18, doesn't mean that you don't have to worry about them.  You'll always worry, no matter how old they are.

[theatre4life]

Jul 8, 2013 11:33:18 GMT -5 honeydew1894 said:

Jul 8, 2013 10:52:58 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

There is nothing abnormal about not wanting/not having children. What is abnormal is letting other people dictate major life decision because it is something you 'should' do. You have to do what is right for you.  

I have a kid, but this says how I feel. Everyone has to do what is best for them, and it is a decision only you and your DH can make.

We're not never-evers, we are not-right-nowers, with the possibility of becoming never-evers, and I agree with this. You need to do what is right for you and your H, and you can't let anyone make that decision for you, because at the end of the day, you are the ones who have the lifetime burden. I am so very thankful that we don't get any static from my family (I have a sister, but she is a die-hard-never-ever) about waiting or not having any at all. We do get some from my H's parents (he is an only child), but we just kindly tell them, if we do, it will be on our terms, and no one else's.

[treedimensional]

I literally do not know one single couple in my life who does not have children. I feel abnormal.
ITA. I also do not know any other couples who don't have kids. Most people who have been single their whole lives still have children. At times I have felt like there is something wrong with me for not wanting them, but the desire is totally absent. It seems so foreign to me.

How do you get over the guilty feeling of not giving your parents grandkids?
I don't feel any guilt about this AT ALL. So what if they'll never be grandparents? Neither will you. I probably would not mind being a grandparent, but I am still 100% unwilling to have children just to get to the "fun" grandparent status.

Do you ever regret your decision to not reproduce?
No, never! Absolutely not. Quite the contrary! EVERYONE told me I'd regret it when it was too late, or change my mind. Well it is definitely too late for me to have them, and I STILL DON'T WANT THEM, and I am HAPPIER with my decision than ever. ZERO REGRETS.


Do you ever feel you "missed out" on things by not having kids?
OMG, NOTHING could be further from the truth! I feel that people who HAVE them are the ones missing out! Once they have kids, people put their dreams on hold forever. Some of them never finish school. It's sad.
I can do things on spur-of-the-moment, we can travel, buy things, you name it. My friends with young kids can't even meet me for lunch or a pedicure. And they're always BROKE too. My friends with GROWN children once told me that they don't even get drunk together, because "one of our kids might call and need us for an emergency"! Their kids are adults... my gosh... pretty extreme stuff that makes my head spin. None of this applies to me.
It's ironic that people who love children and have children are always complaining about them. Even on TV. You know, subtle little jokes about accidentally losing them on vacation or something. I always notice those types of jokes, and they are extremely common. If parenthood were so great, why joke about killing/selling/abandoning your kids? Very revealing, actually. I think it's very clear who is "missing out".

[RoxMonster]

Thank you, everyone, for being so open and honest about your decisions. It helps to "know" other people in the same boat as me, because no one I know IRL understands (well, except H).

Reading your replies, I was nodding my head in agreement SO MUCH and it helps to see others have these feelings.

I do enjoy children most of the time, but I am a teacher. I get my kid fix at work. At the end of the day I am exhausted and cannot imagine coming home to more children I have to take care of. Also, like so many of you, I am thinking of all the things we COULDN'T do were we to have kids. Right now we're trying to save up enough that we can take a fairly large vacation once a year and I get so much fulfillment and pleasure out of traveling with my H--something that would go by the wayside if we had children (at least for many years).

I also physically have no desire to be pregnant. It sounds miserable and horrible and is just not something I am ever interested in going through, no matter how "wonderful and worth it" the end result is (according to parents).

I also would not mind spending Christmas on a beach in Hawaii either Big family get-togethers at the holidays are not a necessity for me.

This thread made me feel a lot better. I know it is ultimately my H and my decision, but it is hard when everyone in your life is doing the opposite and making YOU feel like the weirdo for not wanting a part of it. So thanks for making me feel more normal for this choice

[Deleted]

I'm with you too. People make me out to be a baby hater and I am not. I have a 3 year old nephew who I adore more then anything in the world. But after 5 or 6 hours with him I am exhausted and I want to cry. People always tell me "oh, it'll be different when it's your own". I agree, it would be. I wouldn't be able to call it a day after 6 hours!

[greenmonster]

I read through everyone's responses...is there anyone who has tried for years and is choosing not to pursue further fertility treatments or adoption? We were a bit on the fence with having kids before we couldn't get pregnant. And now I feel ok that we will be CF, but also have all of the same "what if's" as the OP.  It would be so much easier if we had CF friends!

[wineenthusiast]

Jul 8, 2013 19:49:27 GMT -5 greenmonster said:

I read through everyone's responses...is there anyone who has tried for years and is choosing not to pursue further fertility treatments or adoption? We were a bit on the fence with having kids before we couldn't get pregnant. And now I feel ok that we will be CF, but also have all of the same "what if's" as the OP.  It would be so much easier if we had CF friends!

Not exactly trying for years but H and I considered having kids for about half a minute right after we got married.  I have endometriosis so my doc recommended having H checked if we wanted to pursue b/c I would go on clomid.  Turns out H is sterile.  We decided we didnt have any desire to pursue any fertility or adoption.   I was always on the fence and never felt much of a maternal draw to motherhood.  H has never cared if he had kids, doesn't really like them all that much but would've had them if it were important to me and been happy with that.  We have since found out H had a ginormous brain tumor that was near his pituitary gland.  Its possible that's what caused the infertility but we haven't ever bothered to find out if he's no longer infertile once the tumor was removed.  I'm 30 so I suppose it's not too late to change our mind and check out our options but I just don't have any desire to.  Even on the rare occasion when I think of the "what ifs" to the downside of not having kids, I come up with more negatives to positives of having them. 

Are you new to GBCN?  What board do you post on?

[greenmonster]

wineenthusiast



I came over from the nest. I would say my home boards are h&f, ML and MM. I mostly lurk but have recently started posting more. And cheers, I love wine. We live in a mini wine country I guess you could say!

[sitnspin]

Jul 8, 2013 19:49:27 GMT -5 greenmonster said:

I read through everyone's responses...is there anyone who has tried for years and is choosing not to pursue further fertility treatments or adoption? We were a bit on the fence with having kids before we couldn't get pregnant. And now I feel ok that we will be CF, but also have all of the same "what if's" as the OP.  It would be so much easier if we had CF friends!

No, but my sister has tried every treatment, including IVF 4 times with not success.  She even lost a baby at 24 weeks and had to give birth to a still born.  It was devastating and I refuse to put myself through that.  Just one more reason why I made the child-free choice years ago.

[wineenthusiast]

Jul 9, 2013 9:22:12 GMT -5 greenmonster said:

wineenthusiast



I came over from the nest. I would say my home boards are h&f, ML and MM. I mostly lurk but have recently started posting more. And cheers, I love wine. We live in a mini wine country I guess you could say!

I lurk on H&F a little but not really on the other two.  It would be dangerous for me to live in wine country although I would LOVE to move to Northern Cali.  I'm not near any here in IL. 

[greenmonster]

Jul 9, 2013 10:13:30 GMT -5 wineenthusiast said:

Jul 9, 2013 9:22:12 GMT -5 greenmonster said:

wineenthusiast



I came over from the nest. I would say my home boards are h&f, ML and MM. I mostly lurk but have recently started posting more. And cheers, I love wine. We live in a mini wine country I guess you could say!

I lurk on H&F a little but not really on the other two.  It would be dangerous for me to live in wine country although I would LOVE to move to Northern Cali.  I'm not near any here in IL. 

I live a lot closer to you than Cali!! pretty much due north! 

[greenmonster]

Jul 9, 2013 9:32:20 GMT -5 sitnspin said:

Jul 8, 2013 19:49:27 GMT -5 greenmonster said:

I read through everyone's responses...is there anyone who has tried for years and is choosing not to pursue further fertility treatments or adoption? We were a bit on the fence with having kids before we couldn't get pregnant. And now I feel ok that we will be CF, but also have all of the same "what if's" as the OP.  It would be so much easier if we had CF friends!

No, but my sister has tried every treatment, including IVF 4 times with not success.  She even lost a baby at 24 weeks and had to give birth to a still born.  It was devastating and I refuse to put myself through that.  Just one more reason why I made the child-free choice years ago.

Wow. Your sister has been through a lot. Are they choosing to not pursue anything else and be CF? 

[sitnspin]

Jul 9, 2013 11:58:44 GMT -5 greenmonster said:

Jul 9, 2013 9:32:20 GMT -5 sitnspin said:

No, but my sister has tried every treatment, including IVF 4 times with not success.  She even lost a baby at 24 weeks and had to give birth to a still born.  It was devastating and I refuse to put myself through that.  Just one more reason why I made the child-free choice years ago.

Wow. Your sister has been through a lot. Are they choosing to not pursue anything else and be CF? 

Yup.  She has a very dysfunctional marriage and she basically did the last IVF (about a month ago) just to get her husband to shut up about it.