How to get over the hurt?

[sparkles17]

I obviously have a lot of baggage left over from my failed marriage. My boyfriend is fabulous. He treats me like gold and he makes me feel amazing, moreso than I have felt in a very long time. However, and I realize that this is all my issue and not his, sometimes, he says or does something that hurts me and I just don't know how to get over it. It's not that he is trying to be hurtful, just for whatever reason, I take it that way.

For example (and this sounds ridiculous just typing it out) last night he was carrying some stuff out to his car. I walked over and picked up one of his bags to help him. I'm sure he didn't *need* my help, but I *wanted* to help him. He insisted he didn't need me to help even when I repeatedly said "please just let me". Ultimately, I ended up all butt hurt because he didn't need me and then it just completely spiraled out of control from there. I started crying, I was upset that he never "needs" me for anything. I'm a helper, that is what I do, and I wanted to help him for no other reason than I just wanted to help. He, is very independant, and never needs or wants help.

Needless to say, the rest of the night was essentially ruined because my stupidly being hurt over that let me to being hurt over other stupid shit. We always sleep in each others arms, but last night he rolled away from me making me feel worse than I already did. And then this morning, things were still not right. He has told me repeatedly this morning that everything is fine, but I just think that he doesn't know how to react when I get like this. His exW was very combative, as was my exH which is why I think that both of us tend to retreat when we are upset.

Obviously, this issue at hand is all mine and I just don't know how to get over it. How do I stop being so sensitive? How do I stop taking things that really have nothing to do with me so personal? My exH really effed up my head and I need to learn how to deal with the ghosts of my past so that I can continue to move forward and have a good relationship with the BF. Ugh. Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that I need therapy. I think about it, but have never followed through, but I obviously need help.

[Deleted]

Therapy!~ There is nothing wrong with getting help for things.

Also you may want to back off when people tell you to. He said he didnt need your help after your first try you should have said ok. Don't nag him to death about if he is ok either!

[gozf]

I think you answered your own question: therapy. It works wonders.

Good luck.

[bullygirl979]

Therapy, therapy and more therapy.

No offense, OP, but it sounds like this baggage could quickly get out of control if you don't learn to deal with it. You need to be healthy in order to be in a healthy relationship.

And I agree with Mags. Unless you have a reason to not take your BF at face value, listen to what he says. If he is telling you how he feels, and you are trying to circumvent that, you are not respecting him or his feelings.

[sparkles17]

I know that you are all right, and I know that this is 100% my issue and not his. I have no reason to not take what he says at face value, he has never been anything but honest and forthcoming with me. He comes from a relationship where his partner did nothing and so he learned to be nothing if not independant. I am in a similar place where my partner did nothing, but he was also an abusive twat, so not only did I do everything, but I was made to feel that it was my responsbility to do so. I need to realize, that sometimes I am not going to be needed and that that is okay.

And no offense taken to any of the responses, I asked because I know that you ladies will give it to me straight and that is exactly what I needed to hear. And this especially hit home "If he is telling you how he feels, and you are trying to circumvent that, you are not respecting him or his feelings." <----That right there? Hit the nail on the head.

[Deleted]

Ditto therapy and Mags. Relationships are also compromises so while you want so badly to help him, he doesn't want the help. You need to learn to respect that boundary rather than push your own agenda. This will also prevent you from getting hurt when he doesn't cave into doing something because it will make you feel good.

Have you asked yourself why you need to be a helper for other people? Is there some part of yourself that needs help that you are ignoring and/or projecting onto other people? I'm asking because I've done this. Rather than focus on myself and my needs, I have overextended myself in the past helping others so I could ignore the work I needed to do on my insides.

[explorer2001]

Therapy. Also, km correct me if I'm wrong but don't guys typically want to feel needed and to a certain extent want to take care of the woman they are with. I know I have a bad habit of being too independent and not letting people help me, insisting I can handle it, which guys have told me can be offputting. Also he said what he meant when he asked you not to try to help, whether it was because he has a packing system and you were getting in the way or he just wanted to do this for you.

Beyond that the breaking down crying does help you both communicate. Guys tend to shut down un the face if tears. They don't want to feel like they hurt you and don't know how to fix it. Now if they really hurt you they can deal with it but if its really not about him that isn't fair.

I know my first bf post divorce dealt with a lot because I was still healing. I had to learn to say what I was feeling or try to express through actions so that he could understand. Luckily he was good at saying hey what's up is this really about us, or just let it alone and let me do this for you. I had to learn that in healthy relationships you both give and take where with exH I did all the giving and he did all the taking. It not a quick adjustment.

So recommendations. Take stock, which you have started to do. Apologize and let him know it was something where you know you overreacted because of your past and you are working on it. Do this in as few words as possible. Then let him alone and give him some room to process it. Especially if his ex did similar stuff for different reasons (like to manipulate or controlled him) he needs time to think. Don't try to prove it by over talking, prove it overtime through your actions.

[sparkles17]

Thank you again. I am definitely going to take everything here to heart and really sit back and assess why I reacted the way that I did. I think both him and I both need to grow a little bit in regards to how we react and handle these types of situations when they come up. I for sure need to have more respect for him and his feelings and not let the focus only lie on my own and after talking a bit with him this he has admitted to having his own issues with these types of things as well. Hopefully this is a good thing to have happened and that we now both have a better understanding of how the other feels and will be more cautious to take each others feelings into consideration in the future.

[jade28]

Hmm I took your behavior differently - not that you don't respect him or don't respect boundaries but that you feel like you don't deserve him. Like in order to be "good enough" for him, you have to make sure you are doing stuff for him or being needed. When in actuality, just you being you, is more than enough. You don't have to do stuff for him to be liked/loved.

Especially since you keep blaming yourself so much for your behavior - it seems you are really hard on yourself! It's okay! We all have issues and all we can do is work on them. You will learn and you will continue to grow as a person.

[heavenly]

If you are still feeling the pain from your past, it makes it really tough to move on and live in the presense. I agree, a therapist can help with you dealing with your past and may give you guidence or insight on how to get past it. I want to say good for you for being aware of yourself and your needs right now. This is a big step gearing towards moving forward and upwards.

[achase123]

How long have you been out of the relationship and what work have you done on yourself?

You need more therapy and I'd venture to say you aren't quite ready for a relationship yet. ALSO, I think you need to read the book "Codependent No More" to recognize how unhealthy it is to always want to be a "helper" and a "fixer". That's a recipe for disaster right there and makes me think that you are a prime target for another unhealthy relationship if you don't get that straightened out.

[kellbell191]

I agree with therapy. I'll also say that it sounds like you need to be able to verbalize how you feel. When something like this happens go beyond realizing that you like to do things for people to show your love and he is used to being independent; voice it out loud. Tell him, it makes me feel good to do things for you and it makes me feel loved to be needed. Everyone gets their feelings hurt sometimes but if you don't tell your partner where its coming from and if you aren't self aware enough to realize where its coming from, then you get into trouble.

[jojoandleo]

Jun 15, 2012 12:34:56 GMT -5 achase123 said:

How long have you been out of the relationship and what work have you done on yourself?

You need more therapy and I'd venture to say you aren't quite ready for a relationship yet. ALSO, I think you need to read the book "Codependent No More" to recognize how unhealthy it is to always want to be a "helper" and a "fixer". That's a recipe for disaster right there and makes me think that you are a prime target for another unhealthy relationship if you don't get that straightened out.

This is what I was wondering. How long were you single before you jumped into a relationship? You sound a bit codependent not just with your need to help, but being upset that you were sleeping in his arms (It gets hot, sometimes people need some space to sleep). Im not sure either one of you are ready for a healthy relationship.

[cemacmil]

Jun 15, 2012 12:34:56 GMT -5 achase123 said:

How long have you been out of the relationship and what work have you done on yourself?

You need more therapy and I'd venture to say you aren't quite ready for a relationship yet. ALSO, I think you need to read the book "Codependent No More" to recognize how unhealthy it is to always want to be a "helper" and a "fixer". That's a recipe for disaster right there and makes me think that you are a prime target for another unhealthy relationship if you don't get that straightened out.

I second this. It was the thought that came quickly to mind when you said that he didn't need your help but you wanted to help so badly. Co-dependancy or their tendencies doesn't mean you are "messed up" or a bad person - it just means you have to learn about you, what makes you want to feel needed/helping/a fixer, etc and then correct those actions and kind of re-train your way of thinking.

The book is really good. I am reading it right now for the second time to finish the process out or at least get the tools to do so. It is not easy but start there and with therapy - co-dependency is a trait that people can pick up on and some not so great ones even feed off of.

[awick14]

Jun 15, 2012 12:26:42 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Hmm I took your behavior differently - not that you don't respect him or don't respect boundaries but that you feel like you don't deserve him. Like in order to be "good enough" for him, you have to make sure you are doing stuff for him or being needed. When in actuality, just you being you, is more than enough. You don't have to do stuff for him to be liked/loved.

Especially since you keep blaming yourself so much for your behavior - it seems you are really hard on yourself! It's okay! We all have issues and all we can do is work on them. You will learn and you will continue to grow as a person.

This is how I took it as well.

It could be because this is how I thought of my now DH when we started dating and he sat me down one day and told me that I need to stop trying to "help" or "fix" him, and that I WAS good enough for him. (that doesn't send very good, but you know what I mean!

After he said this I came to a realization that he was right and I needed to start thinking of myself as a person, not just a piece of ass, as my xbf used to treat me.

I also say therapy is in order. I just started therapy, which I have been putting off for years and I have only had 2 sessions and I am already starting to feel much happier and my therapist has me thinking a lot more about certain things in my life that are bugging me in the back of my mind and most things I never really thought bothered me!

[mandimija]

I've done this with bf a few times (well, minus the crying part). It happens. Just realize that by rejecting the help, he's not rejecting you.

One thing my therapist told me about relationships post-divorce: They will, by their nature, bring up issues you weren't aware were there, and probably wouldn't have discovered otherwise. It's okay. Just take stock (which you're doing) and communicate with bf. He's not a mind reader.

BF recently sat me down and explained that he was with me because he loved me, and there was nothing I had to do to earn it. I've been 'good enough' from Day 1. Given, I'm an acts-of-service type of person, and to show love, I *do* something for you. BF gets this, and now he will come up to me if I'm in one of my 'helping' modes, give me a hug, gently take the thing I'm carrying or cleaning with from my hands, and tell me that the thing he needs from me at the moment is just to relax with him.