Post by starrieskies on Jul 10, 2013 18:02:54 GMT -5
UGH! I hate this situation so much... Here's my take on it (granted my H is extremely manipulative as well, and I know how it can be frustrating and confusing when you're in the middle of it)...
If your H truly understands that many of your issues are rooted in a lack of trust, then he should taking steps to SHOW you how trustworthy he is. All of this back and forth and not committing to any one thing to keep you confused is only demonstrating that you should not trust him.
captainmel is absolutely correct. You anger is to help you, and to make you stronger through this so that you can do what you need to do. Hold on to it as long as you can.
Sunshine, your anger is your shield right now. You can feel other things later but right now your anger is there to protect you.
When manipulative people get desperate and realize they are losing control they'll say anything to stay in power. That's why he's swinging all around the place with what he's saying. He is trying everything until he gets a positive response from you.
Is he going to go to individual counseling too? You both should probably be in individual counseling and then have a seaperate marriage counselor.
You articulated that better than I've been able to with myself. So thank you for that. He really has been all over the place and I kept asking myself "Is that because everyone is overreacting and he's not really trying to manipulate me?" So yeah, I guess part of me still knew something was wrong and that's why I've been holding onto my anger like it's my lifeline. He hates it. He can't reach me when I'm angry. Possible flameful - we had sex the night he said he would talk to a divorce lawyer if he had to. Early last week I guess. That was also the same night he cried. That fucking got to me. I've legit never seen him cry before. He had been drinking and we had been talking for HOURS. He kept saying that if I couldn't meet him half way it was probably over and that if I asked for a divorce he'd be pissed. Holy shit. Now I'm mad at myself. We hadn't had sex in at least two months prior to that. Ugh. It was an emotional response I guess, but maybe he manipulated that situation. I miss sex though, so who the hell knows. I have no idea how to handle that part since it's been obvious that we are not feeling intimate towards each other. Damnit. But, I will give myself some credit because I totally went and got plan B the next day. Hell no H, you are not knocking me up.
I really don't know where we stand right now. He was pissed at me on Sunday for something totally legitimate and we went back and forth of FB about it. I was totally stunned since we've never FB messaged before. Either way, I was calm and tried not to be defensive and he ultimately apologized for a few things I brought up.
He is going to an individual counselor and so I am. Different ones obviously. And then we agreed we'd see a separate marriage counselor.
Also, the whole job thing could actually be a blessing because there isn't a financial strain and you can take some time to figure all of this out.
Oh yeah, absolutely. I'm sure I'll find something in my field pretty quickly once I start actually looking. In the meantime, it gives me an opportunity to really think and make better decisions.
UGH! I hate this situation so much... Here's my take on it (granted my H is extremely manipulative as well, and I know how it can be frustrating and confusing when you're in the middle of it)...
If your H truly understands that many of your issues are rooted in a lack of trust, then he should taking steps to SHOW you how trustworthy he is. All of this back and forth and not committing to any one thing to keep you confused is only demonstrating that you should not trust him.
captainmel is absolutely correct. You anger is to help you, and to make you stronger through this so that you can do what you need to do. Hold on to it as long as you can.
He says that my anger is making him resentful. And that's what he's saying is essentially going to ruin our marriage. So again, I'm the bad guy. Even though he lied about seeing my friend when I was OOT before, and was the instigator with the damn naked pictures. I KNOW that he's trying to put the blame on me, but I also feel guilty because he has pointed some of my character flaws that are absolutely 100% true. I know what my faults are, and they shouldn't be any surprise to him either. We've been together for damn near 7 years so it's not like he doesn't fucking know me.
Let me say it again, because I feel like this is an important sticking point for him: MY anger is making HIM resentful. That is apparently going to be the nail in the coffin.
Post by captainmel on Jul 10, 2013 18:32:43 GMT -5
Sunshine, it is so hard to break those patterns of emotional response. Sex can be an easy emotional release but it also has high emotional consequences. You are being super smart about all of this.
I am so glad you are angry at him, you should be. You deserve more repsect than you are getting.
You can always come here, no one minds if you post all the time.
sunshineray, like captainmel said, feel free to come post here any time. We definitely don't mind and are willing to support you and help you through this.
Good for you for taking a break and having time to yourself. Don't beat yourself up about having sex with him, or about your character flaws. Everything that's happening is part of the process of you getting to a better place, including you learning to recognize his manipulation in the moment and not take it on. If it makes you feel any better, my friend who is also a therapist had trouble recognizing it in his own marriage. It's always hard when you're in the middle of it.
And also, fuck him for trying to blame you and your anger for the problems. Sounds like I need to start making a list of the asshole husbands who need to be kicked in the balls.
Post by captainmel on Jul 10, 2013 20:50:07 GMT -5
Also, if anyone in the world could point out my biggest character flaws it would be Boyfriend. He would never do that to make me feel bad or try to change. Your H should support you and recognize your flaws but instead of making you feel bad about them he should balance them and help you feel OK with them.
Oh, and fuck him for making you the bad guy. That is manipulation 101 and I am so glad you see it. Seriously, fuck him.
Post by sunshineray on Jul 10, 2013 21:33:14 GMT -5
Thank you all so much. I really do appreciate all the input and the welcome. I have already been accused that this is MUD on ML which is understandable but frustrating. I will attempt to be around but I know me, and it's hard when things are going badly. I tend to just hide at that point.
I didn't know the sex thing was gonna be such a big deal, especially since it wasn't happening for so long. But, I will be more careful when I get home to avoid complicating shit. I completely understand the emotional aspect and we both have needs. It's weird because we both look to each other without thinking about it. I didn't really want to, but it just felt easy and natural and I felt like I needed that physical connection. Someone articulate that feeling for me!!
Also, if anyone in the world could point out my biggest character flaws it would be Boyfriend. He would never do that to make me feel bad or try to change. Your H should support you and recognize your flaws but instead of making you feel bad about them he should balance them and help you feel OK with them.
Oh, and fuck him for making you the bad guy. That is manipulation 101 and I am so glad you see it. Seriously, fuck him.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I almost wish I could post H's FB messages to me. It's so obvious that he wants me to apologize for my behavior but ignore his bad behavior. Like, a lot of our conversations would never mention it if he had his way. It's like he forgets why we're fighting/having issues in the first place. It started with him but he's using this to bring all my flaws that he never mentioned before (or he said he did, but who knows.)
Post by captainmel on Jul 10, 2013 22:35:32 GMT -5
Sunshine, I can't quite articulate how you're feeling about the sex thing but I totally get it because when Boyfriend and I went through a really serious rough patch it was so hard to not have sex. It was easy and comforting and it was physical so I could push away all the bad emotional shit that was happening.
You can PM someone the FB messages but I am pretty sure the answer is just that he wants you to accept the problems and responsibility as yours and then nothing is wrong with him. It IAS selfish and manipulative.
Aw. Sunshine, I am sorry he is making it rough on you.
You are doing the right thing. {{{hug}}}
I so appreciate your kind words. I know you are dealing with so much right now, cuddlyevil I having been thinking about you so much and want you to know that I'm here for you (and I know that doesn't mean much coming from me) and have read your story. I'm here if you need anything.
Aw. Sunshine, I am sorry he is making it rough on you.
You are doing the right thing. {{{hug}}}
I so appreciate your kind words. I know you are dealing with so much right now, cuddlyevil I having been thinking about you so much and want you to know that I'm here for you (and I know that doesn't mean much coming from me) and have read your story. I'm here if you need anything.
Thanks Sunshine.
I'm kind of in the same spot you are, DH keeps saying he's not ignoring me or going anywhere but he hasn't really been showing me any of that. He has with the kids, but it's been bare minimum with me. Granted, it feels like I have put a wall up so he may be sensing that too.
Fuck, Chirp that's terrifying. Do you work in s high stress environment? Does HR know how much that guy has deteriorated? That's scary.
LOL. Not even close. I work at a dental insurance company. If someone is stressed out, they either have something personal going on or they're taking their job too seriously.
Yeah, HR knows what's up. He came over to my cube yesterday for some work stuff... he's definitely got something going on. But he doesn't seem dangerous. More like tiger blood and winning. I wouldn't be surprised if he takes a medical leave here soon.
@chirp, That is super scary and weird. It's like your office was replaced by alien clones or something. They guy pulling at his hair would bother me.
sunshineray Captainmel said some great things. I'm sorry your going through this. I don't know the whole store but hold your ground. he sounds like he's desperately trying to make you think you did everything wrong.
I have to admit when I saw this post and it says Wednesday I thought for a second it was. I had an oh no. Moment because I am ready for the weekend to be here.