NDR: Have you ever ended a friendship? Vent. Long.

[Deleted]

**Poof***GONE!!**

Thanks for the advice girls.
You're all right. I'm definitely going to back off for awhile and see what happens. Maybe it's just her hormones making her overreact, maybe she's just getting meaner by the day.

*SIL and I had lunch today and decided we got each other in this. She calls we don't discuss our Hs and we're not falling into that game. Afterall, you hate 2 husbands, it's probably not us.

*She's more controlling and it's more work than I have time for.

*If SIL and I aren't b*tching about our life choices, there's no reason for her to or to create drama where there isn't.

[ktzmoh]

I've ended a friendship and it was really hard and I still wonder if I did the right thing. But that was a long long time ago. Do you think that once the twins are born, your friend might be so busy and tied up with her own life that she might tone down the commentary on your lives? If so, I'd probably chalk this up to whatever and just wait out the pregnancy and see what happens once the kids are born.

Can you also just kind of gradually phase her out - stop sharing with her and blow her off when she starts talking about your lives (you could just say: eh, it works for us ... or something)?

It's tempting for me to say you should tell her how you feel in a big dramatic expletive laden way, but I'm not one for confrontations.

[aweilba]

Well... to answer your subject question: Yes, I've ended a close friendship recently.  We just became different people after college, and really have very little in common anymore.  We never had a "hey-our-friendship-is-over" discussion; we just sort of slowly stopped talking until I really don't ever see or talk to her anymore.  Sometimes it makes me sad, but we are now such different people with different lifestyles and ideals that we really just don't click anymore.  

I don't have kids, so I'm not really sure how much help my advice will be.  But I think if this were my friend, the next time her critique of my life/relationships came up, I'd reply something similar to this: "I appreciate your concern about my happiness and my family's happiness, however I love my life the way it is.  It's not for everyone, I know, but it's for me.  I'd appreciate it if you were able to stop criticizing my lifestyle and the way that I run my family because I love it just the way it is."

In my opinion, that's not too harsh or bitchy, but pretty straight forward.  If she can't take a hint after that, then maybe slowly fall out or whatever.  I agree that it's pretty obnoxious and unwelcome behavior from someone who is considered a friend.  Good luck!

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2013 16:04:46 GMT -5 ktzmoh said:

I've ended a friendship and it was really hard and I still wonder if I did the right thing. But that was a long long time ago. Do you think that once the twins are born, your friend might be so busy and tied up with her own life that she might tone down the commentary on your lives? If so, I'd probably chalk this up to whatever and just wait out the pregnancy and see what happens once the kids are born.

Can you also just kind of gradually phase her out - stop sharing with her and blow her off when she starts talking about your lives (you could just say: eh, it works for us ... or something)?

It's tempting for me to say you should tell her how you feel in a big dramatic expletive laden way, but I'm not one for confrontations.

LOL. My SIL who is even more honest than me was all, "Next time, It's going to be F off."

The thing is, it's getting old, because C loves to talk and talk and talk. As a result SIL and I just listen. We don't really share a lot about our day to day lives with her and we know better than to share the "bad" stuff. Our general response to her life questions is "fine." BECAUSE IT IS!

So C is basically thinking our lives our awful for no reason. TBH she has the expectations of her own marriage that are impossible to follow through on and it kind of makes her miserable, so SIL and I think she's projecting.

And yeah, H told me to just back off for awhile, not necessarily respond and only call to "think about her" when I know it goes to VM. I think I am.

[315]

Well, it could either be that she's got her own hormonal tornado going on or that she's just too controlling of her own life and doesn't understand why others aren't.

I do think sometimes it good to let things some things go with longtime friends but other times it's refreshing to unload sometimes. I've done my share of friend dumping when I finally realized it was more pain and annoyance than it was worth.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2013 16:15:45 GMT -5 315 said:

Well, it could either be that she's got her own hormonal tornado going on or that she's just too controlling of her own life and doesn't understand why others aren't.

I do think sometimes it good to let things some things go with longtime friends but other times it's refreshing to unload sometimes. I've done my share of friend dumping when I finally realized it was more pain and annoyance than it was worth.

Bingo.
As for the rest, that's what I'm thinking, but she's been complaining about our Hs since we got married. It's exhausting and unfair to our husbands. I'm going to back off for awhile and think on it I think.

I know another friend we share will no longer speak to her after she came down on her for being single and 32. Friend says it's refreshing but it's kind of awkward for the rest of us..I don't know if I'm ready for that weirdness yet either.

[315]

Jul 16, 2013 16:20:21 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Jul 16, 2013 16:15:45 GMT -5 315 said:

Well, it could either be that she's got her own hormonal tornado going on or that she's just too controlling of her own life and doesn't understand why others aren't.

I do think sometimes it good to let things some things go with longtime friends but other times it's refreshing to unload sometimes. I've done my share of friend dumping when I finally realized it was more pain and annoyance than it was worth.

Bingo.
As for the rest, that's what I'm thinking, but she's been complaining about our Hs since we got married. It's exhausting and unfair to our husbands. I'm going to back off for awhile and think on it I think.

I know another friend we share will no longer speak to her after she came down on her for being single and 32. Friend says it's refreshing but it's kind of awkward for the rest of us..I don't know if I'm ready for that weirdness yet either.

I am over the awkwardness. In fact, I just say it out loud. I mean, I am an adult about it. If I hang with mutual friends I just acknowledge that I am no longer as close or in touch. It happened this AM in a FB chat with a HS/college friend who asked if I had spoken to a mutual friend recently who has been cranky for almost three years now. My answer was, "No." She got it. And told me I got points for making the last contact.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2013 16:24:29 GMT -5 315 said:

Jul 16, 2013 16:20:21 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Bingo.
As for the rest, that's what I'm thinking, but she's been complaining about our Hs since we got married. It's exhausting and unfair to our husbands. I'm going to back off for awhile and think on it I think.

I know another friend we share will no longer speak to her after she came down on her for being single and 32. Friend says it's refreshing but it's kind of awkward for the rest of us..I don't know if I'm ready for that weirdness yet either.

I am over the awkwardness. In fact, I just say it out loud. I mean, I am an adult about it. If I hang with mutual friends I just acknowledge that I am no longer as close or in touch. It happened this AM in a FB chat with a HS/college friend who asked if I had spoken to a mutual friend recently who has been cranky for almost three years now. My answer was, "No." She got it. And told me I got points for making the last contact.

I know right. And it's not like that girl is some dirtbag with no life goal. She owns her house, has a Phd and a great job. She just has no desire to get married. She likes her life. Likes her beer and parties. I think she's awesome, but she doesn't fit into Cs life mold and let her know it.

Can you tell C is someone who struggles with life being life. She likes to be controlling and plan. Like we can't even grab coffee when we meet. It has to be 2:05 not 2:00 and I better know what I'm ordering before I get there.

The weird part is C and I had a blast as roommates. But now we're 2 hours apart and we can't get along..lol.

[emjacobs]

There are two ways to approach this:
1) Distance yourself from her and limit your conversations. Try not to talk about SIL and if she asks / talks about her change the conversation. Sometimes close friends just need to become not so close friends.

2) Approach her about it. "Hey C I'm super excited for your pregnancy and I'm sure everything is just crazy right now with the news but I wanted to talk to you about a few things" Let her know that while you can't and won't speak for SIL, you really love your life the way it is and it hurts you that she is so vocal about her feelings about it. You know that your life and views are different from hers but you are happy and you are even happier that she is happy and you hope that she feels the same way.

There is a good chance the she doesn't even realize that she does these things, it's just become the norm for your conversations to go down this road.

I'm usually on team non-confrontational, but I'm also a bit of a nerdy loner.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2013 16:34:43 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

No, I haven't. But I would if one hated my husband "with a passion" or nagged about every lifestyle choice I made.

I agree. I'm tired of having to defend my husband when she's the one with the problem with him and not me. It's even more nuts that I have to feel the need to defend BIL when I don't have a problem with him and neither does his wife.

[315]

Jul 16, 2013 16:39:42 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Jul 16, 2013 16:24:29 GMT -5 315 said:

I am over the awkwardness. In fact, I just say it out loud. I mean, I am an adult about it. If I hang with mutual friends I just acknowledge that I am no longer as close or in touch. It happened this AM in a FB chat with a HS/college friend who asked if I had spoken to a mutual friend recently who has been cranky for almost three years now. My answer was, "No." She got it. And told me I got points for making the last contact.

I know right. And it's not like that girl is some dirtbag with no life goal. She owns her house, has a Phd and a great job. She just has no desire to get married. She likes her life. Likes her beer and parties. I think she's awesome, but she doesn't fit into Cs life mold and let her know it.

Can you tell C is someone who struggles with life being life. She likes to be controlling and plan. Like we can't even grab coffee when we meet. It has to be 2:05 not 2:00 and I better know what I'm ordering before I get there.

The weird part is C and I had a blast as roommates. But now we're 2 hours apart and we can't get along..lol.

That's it, you need to dump this girl. She really sounds like she's zero fun. (Ain't nobody got time for that.)

[emjacobs]

Jul 16, 2013 16:39:42 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Jul 16, 2013 16:24:29 GMT -5 315 said:

I am over the awkwardness. In fact, I just say it out loud. I mean, I am an adult about it. If I hang with mutual friends I just acknowledge that I am no longer as close or in touch. It happened this AM in a FB chat with a HS/college friend who asked if I had spoken to a mutual friend recently who has been cranky for almost three years now. My answer was, "No." She got it. And told me I got points for making the last contact.

I know right. And it's not like that girl is some dirtbag with no life goal. She owns her house, has a Phd and a great job. She just has no desire to get married. She likes her life. Likes her beer and parties. I think she's awesome, but she doesn't fit into Cs life mold and let her know it.

Can you tell C is someone who struggles with life being life. She likes to be controlling and plan. Like we can't even grab coffee when we meet. It has to be 2:05 not 2:00 and I better know what I'm ordering before I get there.

The weird part is C and I had a blast as roommates. But now we're 2 hours apart and we can't get along..lol.

After reading this it sounds like you need to distance yourself and put her on the christmas card list.  Send her a small gift / card for the baby but cut out regular chit chatty stuff.  

[mrs.jacinthe]

I've had a friend divorce. So to speak. R said something on his FB, she asked a question, he answered her honestly, and then she just wrote me off as a result. (There's more to the story, but its VERY long and involves a little more personal information than I want out there.) It was a few years ago and it's kind of funny now - I'll still say hey or happy birthday on her FB page, and she just totally ignores me like I don't exist. That said, it was tough for the first year or so, and I do feel whistful about our friendship every once in a while, but now ... well, I've got other friends who don't judge me randomly for R's opinions. (And it wasn't even an unpopular opinion!)

Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough, though. Based on what you've said here, it sounds like there's a lot going on with C in the background. I'd back off for a while and give her some space. If she wants to call you and talk, I'd let it go to voicemail, honestly.

[miniroller]

Just to provide a somewhat uplifting story: I also had a friend divorce. Some was similar (& of course, a lot not) to your experience. Anyway, we went without communication for about a year & a half. Out of the blue, I received an email from her telling me how different her life/ priorities/ relationships had become, & she wanted to thank me for our 'break-up' igniting a hard-core life reflection. Her email specified that she didn't want me to feel pressured to get back in touch; she simply wanted to thank me. SO now: our relationship is better than ever- awesome/amazing/etc. All that personal crap- just to say: if it helps you feel better, think of it as very possibly not permanent??

Ok- friend above totally called just now, so I'm not sure where this thread has gone/ if this helps @ all?? But of course, the irony that SHE just called me, I couldn't not post

[orangeblossom]

I have had a friend that I had sort of a divorce from. We just grew apart and she was negative, and sometimes clingy, and I found myself defending her to other people a lot. Long story short, we would always keep in touch kind of at the surface level, like birthdays, accomplishments, deaths, etc. I call her to try to set up time to see her when we're in the same city, and talk for hours, but we'll never be close the way we used to be. What we have now works for us.

Honestly, C sounds like the type of person that will not respond to any direct confrontation, because it's her way or the highway. That sounds exhausting, and nobody wants to have to censor what they say, for fear of C's comments.

I would slowly distance myself and keep everything at surface level. Has she ever said anything about the phd friend that cut her off?

If you were up to it, you or SIL could simply say I'm happy, as are my husband and child and that's all that matters. Your ideals for your family and mine are mine, and we'll just have to agree to disagree about what we think family life should constitute or something similar.

As far as the pregnancy, I feel for her husband. She sounds like she's going to milk it for all it's worth (not that I'm saying pregnancy is a walk in the park), but if she's starting out with things like not doing laundry, What in the world, how is she going to be seven months from now.

ETA: I will say the first time my friend and I got together after a long hiatus, she did apologize for the way she behaved and that she had a lot of her own self doubt, but was now more confident and generally a happier person.  So there may be hope for your friend yet.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2013 18:17:26 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

I have had a friend that I had sort of a divorce from. We just grew apart and she was negative, and sometimes clingy, and I found myself defending her to other people a lot. Long story short, we would always keep in touch kind of at the surface level, like birthdays, accomplishments, deaths, etc. I call her to try to set up time to see her when we're in the same city, and talk for hours, but we'll never be close the way we used to be. What we have now works for us.

Honestly, C sounds like the type of person that will not respond to any direct confrontation, because it's her way or the highway. That sounds exhausting, and nobody wants to have to censor what they say, for fear of C's comments.

I would slowly distance myself and keep everything at surface level. Has she ever said anything about the phd friend that cut her off?

If you were up to it, you or SIL could simply say I'm happy, as are my husband and child and that's all that matters. Your ideals for your family and mine are mine, and we'll just have to agree to disagree about what we think family life should constitute or something similar.

As far as the pregnancy, I feel for her husband. She sounds like she's going to milk it for all it's worth (not that I'm saying pregnancy is a walk in the park), but if she's starting out with things like not doing laundry, What in the world, how is she going to be seven months from now.

This is where SIL and I are at. We have both had difficult pregnancies/difficulty being pregnant so we know what a rollercoaster it is. However, we've both found that just living your life the best you can is all you can do and what you need to do in the meantime. It's good for the sanity to do something. anything.

I get physical restrictions, but there's not a thing wrong with her. Her drs. told her she's perfectly capable and should carry on with life until told otherwise. Granted, she shouldn't run a marathon or anything, but there's a huge gap between that and not folding a load of laundry.

That's all we were trying to say nicely and honestly and it turned into a "Well because you do it for your H, doesn't mean I do it for mine!" Ummm..again..WTH. I'm just telling you to do what you have to do and nothing more.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2013 17:15:58 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Can you come up with a convincing reason or reasons to remain friends with her? (Shared history does not count.) I think emjacobs has the right idea.

Also, what does your SIL think? Is it going to cause strife for her or between you if you distance yourself from C?

Most of it is backstory TBH that's why I'm pretty sure I'm going to step away.
I will say in her defense, we share the same profession and a lot of the same ideals. So we can talk no problem about our careers, development opportunities, what works for us etc. She's there for me when I struggle in that regard and vice versa.
She's also fun to meet up for a shopping trip, pedis etc. She's adventurous and fun...but so are a lot of my other friends.

My SIL could careless. She agrees with me. She just has no time for petty friend BS so we vent to each other and ignore it. There'd be no love lost if I backed away for awhile. SIL would just get a million phone calls gossiping about me..ha. But she can take it.

[orangeblossom]

Jul 16, 2013 19:24:11 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Jul 16, 2013 18:17:26 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

I have had a friend that I had sort of a divorce from. We just grew apart and she was negative, and sometimes clingy, and I found myself defending her to other people a lot. Long story short, we would always keep in touch kind of at the surface level, like birthdays, accomplishments, deaths, etc. I call her to try to set up time to see her when we're in the same city, and talk for hours, but we'll never be close the way we used to be. What we have now works for us.

Honestly, C sounds like the type of person that will not respond to any direct confrontation, because it's her way or the highway. That sounds exhausting, and nobody wants to have to censor what they say, for fear of C's comments.

I would slowly distance myself and keep everything at surface level. Has she ever said anything about the phd friend that cut her off?

If you were up to it, you or SIL could simply say I'm happy, as are my husband and child and that's all that matters. Your ideals for your family and mine are mine, and we'll just have to agree to disagree about what we think family life should constitute or something similar.

As far as the pregnancy, I feel for her husband. She sounds like she's going to milk it for all it's worth (not that I'm saying pregnancy is a walk in the park), but if she's starting out with things like not doing laundry, What in the world, how is she going to be seven months from now.

This is where SIL and I are at. We have both had difficult pregnancies/difficulty being pregnant so we know what a rollercoaster it is. However, we've both found that just living your life the best you can is all you can do and what you need to do in the meantime. It's good for the sanity to do something. anything.

I get physical restrictions, but there's not a thing wrong with her. Her drs. told her she's perfectly capable and should carry on with life until told otherwise. Granted, she shouldn't run a marathon or anything, but there's a huge gap between that and not folding a load of laundry.

That's all we were trying to say nicely and honestly and it turned into a "Well because you do it for your H, doesn't mean I do it for mine!" Ummm..again..WTH. I'm just telling you to do what you have to do and nothing more.

I'm impressed you haven't said anything before now.  I know it's not easy to say something to friends sometimes, but the whole talking about my husband would be no good.  I mean does she like it when people talk about her husband, or is hers perfect.

I'd almost be tempted to respond to one of her catty remarks, with something about her husband.  Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine.

You could also go with "Why would you say that".  Most normal people that kind of stops them in their tracks, but she seems to be special case who really would go into a diatribe about why her ideals are the best.

[Deleted]

Orange: Yeah, I just do a lot of "OH" with her and change the subject. I'm fine with my H. None of my other friends despise him (they actually quite like him). I don't feel the need to play into her defense game, because I don't have anything to defend.

I should do the "Why would you say that?" just casually next time and see what I get. Probably a diatribe.

And let's not talk about her H...lol..He's a nice guy...but he's not exactly living up to her so called "expectations" either..ha. Which is why I think she's projecting.

[orangeblossom]

Jul 16, 2013 19:42:41 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Orange: Yeah, I just do a lot of "OH" with her and change the subject. I'm fine with my H. None of my other friends despise him (they actually quite like him). I don't feel the need to play into her defense game, because I don't have anything to defend.

I should do the "Why would you say that?" just casually next time and see what I get. Probably a diatribe.

And let's not talk about her H...lol..He's a nice guy...but he's not exactly living up to her so called "expectations" either..ha. Which is why I think she's projecting.

She's about to project herself into no-friends-land and wonder why oh why I don't have any friends anymore, I was just trying to be helpful.  Ugh.

[pitterwoo]

She doesn't sound worth the effort.

I broke up with a friend about a year ago. It was hard because we always had this connection like old friends from the start. She went through a rough patch in her personal life and while I really, really tried to be there for her, she just kind of went off the deep end. She asked for unreasonable favors and I felt taken advantage of. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore.

She would also screw up information like ask me how my sister was (I don't have a sister) or if I was going to my xx hometown for the weekend but that's not the right town. Ultimately I decided no matter how bad I felt for her, it wasn't worth it.


I have another story that is more recent and crazy. My SIL is the type to whine and needle until she gets her way. She always whines to my brother and generally gets him to come around to her point of view. They own a house that's nice, but it's on a busy street and doesn't have much of a yard. At her initiation they started house shopping and eventually went under contract for a house 3 BLOCKS AWAY. She also wanted another kid really badly and got my brother on board with that. I know it totally takes two, so he's just as responsible for these decisions, but she is really demanding.

So here she is, pregnant and they are about to move to the new house on the quiet street. Just when she appears to have it all she decides nope, this isn't it and she leaves with the 3 kids and moves in with her parents. Now he's got two houses and no people and he's totally blindsided. He just keeps telling me she said she wasn't happy. Soo...we used to be rather close and I haven't talked to her since. I don't even want to know what her thought process is.

[pitterwoo]

thanks nursecramer I'm hoping so too. I personally feel he's better off, but of course with kids involved that's extra hard.

[315]

pitterwoo, whoa. I am so sorry for your brother. Hope he gets right side up again soon.

[Deleted]

Piterwoo: That's awful. Really. I hope they all get it worked out of the best, whatever is best in that situation.

And to s/o..I think this is my friend's problem too. I fear her H is going to just up and leave one day because he "isn't happy." They're in the process of moving 5 hours away, she's in their current town, he's away and doesn't ever seem to come back real often, but she runs to him. It's so weird.

[pitterwoo]

Thanks @justdairy, and sorry for the thread-jack.

[karenj]

Sorry I am late to this thread. 

I just wanted to say you could just tell her that you love talking with her but your H is off the table.  That you wont get into a discussion regarding him good or bad.

Little differnt situation, but my grandma was really bad about talking about one of my brothers.  This brother loved her to death but he was never as good as our cousin his same age.  She alwasy wanted to bad mouth him.  I finally told her that no matter what I was on brothers side, right or wrong, so it was best that we not talk about him.  She would still try it and I would just say I will not discuss brother with you.  She finally got it and believe me she could be thick when she wanted to be.

[magnoliablossom]

Jul 16, 2013 16:15:45 GMT -5 315 said:

Well, it could either be that she's got her own hormonal tornado going on or that she's just too controlling of her own life and doesn't understand why others aren't.

I do think sometimes it good to let things some things go with longtime friends but other times it's refreshing to unload sometimes. I've done my share of friend dumping when I finally realized it was more pain and annoyance than it was worth.

ITA with the first sentence. 

She sounds like she has anxiety issues and that she isn't exactly happy herself, so she is trying to gain happiness and control by dictating to others. 

I bet once the babies come, she'll either wake up to reality and get her own life in order or she will spiral out of control. 

I'd personally not actively call her, but let her call me and just be polite and low key.  If she starts in on you or SIL, I'd make an excuse and hang up.  Perhaps she'll get the message.

[thewop]

Have you flat out told her "Look, I know you don't agree with my lifestyle, but I'm happy- my husband and I are happy- and I really don't care what you think of it, so I'd really appreciate it if you kept your harsh opinions of my life to yourself because it's really starting to piss me off." I mean don't call her up and say this, but if she starts just stop her and explain yourself. If she gets pissy and hang up and cuts contacts, it's for the better. If she's really your friend she'll apologize and not bring it up again.

[Deleted]

Jul 17, 2013 10:58:15 GMT -5 thewop said:

Have you flat out told her "Look, I know you don't agree with my lifestyle, but I'm happy- my husband and I are happy- and I really don't care what you think of it, so I'd really appreciate it if you kept your harsh opinions of my life to yourself because it's really starting to piss me off." I mean don't call her up and say this, but if she starts just stop her and explain yourself. If she gets pissy and hang up and cuts contacts, it's for the better. If she's really your friend she'll apologize and not bring it up again.

I thought I had. 3xs. That's the problem. I'm either not enough of a b*tch or she's just being dense.
I'll try it again.

[thewop]

Jul 17, 2013 12:59:53 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Jul 17, 2013 12:58:17 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

I thought I had. 3xs. That's the problem. I'm either not enough of a b*tch or she's just being dense.
I'll try it again.

You have more patience than I.

For sure.  I'd be done.