Okay so we still don't have a will/guardians but it's something we plan on getting together soon. I'm not sure who to choose as guardians though. These are the 3 options, what would you choose?
1. My parents: PROS- she already lives with them and has the best relationship. (Although we won't always live with them) CONS: they don't have the same likes/parenting choices as us (nothing bad, just different)
2. DH's parents: PROS: they would raise her very similar to how we would (concerning activities, religion, parenting choices, etc) She knows them well, sees them at least once a week. CONS: she's not as close to them as my parents, their house is not very kid friendly
3. My brother and his wife: mostly in the running because of age. They are obviously young and able but not as financially secure. They live with us too so Laney has a great relationship with them. (Again we won't always live together, so that relationship could change or may be different with #2)
Post by TrudyCampbell on Jul 16, 2013 16:29:40 GMT -5
Do you have life insurance that will give Delaney a good pay out if you guys kick the bucket? If so, I say definitely choose your brother. He is the youngest and the financial stability won't be an issue with your life insurance money to pay for Delaney's needs.
If you don't have life insurance or you don't have a lot of it, I'd choose your parents.
Post by TrudyCampbell on Jul 16, 2013 16:30:15 GMT -5
We still haven't chosen. I guess we need to choose my SIL but we just don't want to. We have no one else though, except friends, and I'm afraid to be that kind of burden to a friend.
Post by DesertMoon on Jul 16, 2013 16:30:21 GMT -5
My parents, because they are younger than dhs and less nutty, they have more money and a bigger extended family with lots of support and playmates for him.
Post by charlielove on Jul 16, 2013 16:30:34 GMT -5
I think I would choose #3, age plays into the decision quite a bit for me. I'm also assuming that though they would be the primary guardians, your parents and/or DH's parents would play a huge role in helping raise her too.
Post by muppetinma on Jul 16, 2013 16:32:08 GMT -5
How old are your parents and DH's parents? Age is a huge factor for us, and eliminates all of Andrew's grandparents. His guardians, should anything happen to us, would be my brother and his wife. They would raise him the way we would, and have hearts bigger than anybody I know. (This is the one who bought me the horse head mask. CH)
I wouldn't discount DH's parents based on the lack of a kid friendly house. It doesn't take too long to remedy that.
I would pick 3, not knowing the ages of your parents. I assume you have a bit of life insurance so they would have some money to raise her on. Grandparents just worry me from an age, energy standpoint but if both grandparents are young that doesn't matter.
I would choose #3. Your parents and ILs will be there to help raise her. Also, D will get a monthly check from social security which will help your brother and SIL out financially. We chose my parents (my mom is only 46) but if my brother was responsible and had his life together, we would've considered him.
Have you had a conversation with his parents about this? I know my mom would quit her job in an instant, sell their kid unfriendly house, and move into my house. There would also be a hefty life insurance payout.
Another one for the brother. Not knowing the age of your parents, even if they are early 50's they will be pushing 70+ by the time she graduates high school. And anything can happen to anyone at any time.
Okay all good points. Our parents are both in their mid 50s so not terribly old but not 29/24 like brother/SIL. My bother would raise her very well and I hadn't thought about life insurance paying for her needs. We do have life insurance but not too much- that will change too.
TrudyCampbell could you ask your friends? Some may be very willing to do it. My BFF is pregnant right now and if she asked me I would definitely say yes.
We still haven't chosen. I guess we need to choose my SIL but we just don't want to. We have no one else though, except friends, and I'm afraid to be that kind of burden to a friend.
This is our problem. I'm an only child and H has one sibling. SIL is great, but she lives in Singapore. My mom would never get to see Audrey and I have a big problem with that.
We still haven't chosen. I guess we need to choose my SIL but we just don't want to. We have no one else though, except friends, and I'm afraid to be that kind of burden to a friend.
...and there's a movie about that (and for some reason, I've seen it!)
Nothing to add that is helpful, ladybug! I would do what you feel best about in your gut.
Okay all good points. Our parents are both in their mid 50s so not terribly old but not 29/24 like brother/SIL. My bother would raise her very well and I hadn't thought about life insurance paying for her needs. We do have life insurance but not too much- that will change too.
TrudyCampbell could you ask your friends? Some may be very willing to do it. My BFF is pregnant right now and if she asked me I would definitely say yes.
I know my best friend would absolutely say yes, but she plans to live in NYC forever and she wants 2 kids of her own which is kind of the maximum in NYC unless you have a lot of money. What if I have 3 children and then I drop dead and she suddenly had 5 kids in a small apartment? It would change her entire life. I don't know, I feel so hesitant to ask because I know she'd do it but I'm not sure I'd want her to have to give up so much for me.
We have other friends who would absolutely say yes and they are a really good option because they are a lot like us, but I don't know, it just feels so final!
This is something we have talked a lot about with all of our family. Everyone knows that it would be BIL and SIL #1. They would raise Thad as we want and make his relationship with my family a priority.
This is our problem. I'm an only child and H has one sibling. SIL is great, but she lives in Singapore. My mom would never get to see Audrey and I have a big problem with that.
My brother is in England, DH's sister is in NC and my parents are in Jamaica. That's probably the major reason why I wouldn't chose my brother as I'd want A to stay in Jamaica. Also, he lives near London and has 2 kids already and even with a life insurance payout, could probably not afford a big enough house for 4 kids in that area!
Yeah, we have the problem that my mom Lives in Buffalo, in-laws live in France, and SIL lives in Singapore. There is no good situation
I would choose option 3, but for us it would depend on if the chosen couple would raise them similarly to how we would.
We haven't chosen either, but for us, it likely isn't much of a need to choose. The big choice for us would be likely between my sister, the ILs and SIL/BIL. My SIL not only has a good relationship with Abby already but would do her best to raise the kids in a similar manner as we are.
We still haven't chosen. I guess we need to choose my SIL but we just don't want to. We have no one else though, except friends, and I'm afraid to be that kind of burden to a friend.
...and there's a movie about that (and for some reason, I've seen it!)
Nothing to add that is helpful, ladybug! I would do what you feel best about in your gut.
I vote for the brother because of age, and because I'm sure the grandparents would assist as needed.
We chose DH's cousin and his husband because they would raise C the closest to our preferences, they've been around him his whole life, and they want a child desperately, so C wouldn't be a burden. We agreed to reassess in a few years and maybe pick one of our brothers. When C was born, none of them was in a place where we'd feel comfortable saddling them with a kid (under 30, single, rising careers, responsibility-free life). Now two of them are living with wonderful girlfriends and looking to perhaps settle down, so we'll probably redo the will to select one of them.
We haven't done it yet either my mom isn't an option and is an alcoholic dh parents have health issues and I would never trust them. My brother and I have a very distant relationship and dh wants his sister but she smokes and her partner doesn't want kids. I want my cousin to do it but haven't gotten dh on board yet
I'd choose 3 in your situation. Seems like the best.
We actually asked my parents to take her and be guardians just until DH's youngest brother would finish med school. Then he agreed that he would take her (I'm assuming now both of them).
Post by The Foozzler on Jul 16, 2013 18:40:55 GMT -5
I vote #3 because of age.
You need someone to raise your child until she is at least 18. Plus you plan to have another. So I would figure 20 years old child raising. Parents would be in their mid 70s by then. That would be difficult.
We have never had this conversation. I don't know if it would go over well.
You mean you and your husband have never discussed this? It's a very important discussion. If you meant you've never discussed it with your potential guardians, well then neither have I.
ETA fiance... I just remembered that you aren't married, sorry
Preston and I have not discussed it. I doubt he discussed it with his first daughter's mother. I don't know why I just never thought of some of the things brought up on here.
Preston and I have not discussed it. I doubt he discussed it with his first daughter's mother. I don't know why I just never thought of some of the things brought up on here.
It's not a fun thing to think or talk about but it's important! I'm just going to choose SIL and get it done this week. This is making me nervous having no one.
Preston and I have not discussed it. I doubt he discussed it with his first daughter's mother. I don't know why I just never thought of some of the things brought up on here.
It's not a fun thing to think or talk about but it's important! I'm just going to choose SIL and get it done this week. This is making me nervous having no one.
We probably would not agree on anyone. Our safest bet if it was just up to me would be my sister. She's expecting her third in a few months though. We are not close to anyone but my family. His mom and oldest daughter lives in Indiana, and his brother is in Tacoma. I have 5-7 half siblings that I only talk to on fb.