Post by lightbulbsun on Jul 17, 2013 7:03:58 GMT -5
So I haven't posted about my grandma for a while, because in general it's just been the normal bullshit and nothing extra special, but now that we're getting close to selling my mom's house it's becoming an issue again. For anyone who doesn't know, my grandma has several unchecked personality disorders that make her very overbearing and very hard to deal with.
I'm making the (admittedly sneaky) choice to not tell her until we're actually listing the house that it's going on the market. I know this is kind of bitchy of me, but the fallout for this will be less than the drama if she was involved in the sale (she realllly wants me to use her friend as a realtor, and I don't want to for various reasons).
I found a woman who I think will be an excellent realtor - I first contacted her when she was on vacation in Italy, and she still responded to my e-mail within 4 hours. We're meeting with her tonight to walk through the house and discuss putting it on the market.
So my bro and I have been cleaning out the house, and getting rid of a bunch of stuff that we didn't think she wanted. We've kept everything that we thought she might be interested in. I knew she'd be annoyed that we did stuff without her, but again, it's easier to do that than to have her there with us.
Last night I was talking to her and she FREAKED OUT about a few books that we donated. Apparently they were the MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS EVER, and so now I'm trying to call goodwill and find out what happened to them, because we cannot possibly survive without these books.
And now my grandpa wants to come over either today or tomorrow to check the car (we might be signing over my mom's convertible to them), and see if it's working. And now I'm freaking out because we have a meeting with the realtor tonight and I do not want them coming over while I'm there. I know I'm doing this kind of behind their backs, but I don't want them to find out about it that way. I'm trying to get my bro to call them and ask them to come over on Thursday instead, but he's not answering his phone. I can't really call because it would be suspicious, since I don't live there so why would I care when they came over. I hate all the sneakiness, but my mom kind of raised me to act that way around her, because it's easier.
Seriously, that's how bad it is, that my mom raised me to know when to lie to her and when it's easier to tell the truth.
I've had such a nervous stomach about this all night. And the stupid books. She's so attached to things, it's unreal. And my bro and I are her only grandkids, so we're going to be getting everything back in 10-20 years when she dies, except it will be 3948102948x worse because her house will be filled with all of her stuff AND my mom's stuff that she's hoarding.
My brother has also basically cut her out of his life, so I also get to hear about that every time I talk to her.
I just want this whole thing to be over with. It's also been extremely hard for me to go through my mom's stuff, and clean out the house that I spent my childhood in. I don't want to sell it, but we kind of don't have a choice. I can't live there, and my brother's 24 and single, so he doesn't need a huge house to take care of. And I feel like my brother is kind of useless when I'm not there (he doesn't do any cleaning or anything), so I feel like this is all on my shoulders. Plus the house is an hour from my house, so I'm exhausted from going back and forth pretty much every day after work.
Sorry for making this so long. You deserve 1 million gbcn dollars if you made it through that.
Post by sunshineluv on Jul 17, 2013 7:08:59 GMT -5
Keep reminding yourself that you get to make these decisions, not gma. It is your house to sell or not sell. It is not hers. You are doing the right thing.
Sorry. I hope it's over soon. I don't know the history but I would be pissed if someone went through my stuff and decided for me. I can see why she is pissed about that.
But, it's not the grandma's stuff, it's her mom's, right?
You're not being sneaky AT ALL. You're managing a property as you see fit. That does not require your grandparents input or approval at all. Never mind your grandmother's realtor friend.
Look, she's not helpful, and her behavior is atrocious so she doesn't deserve to be in the loop on the house. Of course you sell it. Of course you contract with whom you want. Of course you do it with as little conversation with her as possible.
And stop calling around about the books, or you'll be chasing down and second guessing every decision you make. The most important books in the world are gone. This, like all of her tragedies will be managed, somehow, by her. Just add it to the list of horrible things that happen to her.
I am so sorry your grandmother is making a very difficult situation so much worse. But realize that she really does have a mental health issue and you cannot possibly do anything about it.
I'm sorry. You are definitely doing the right thing. Does the convertible work? If so, can our rice it to them? Alternatively, just tell the REA to come another day.
I don't know the back story but my grandma didn't have personality disorders and was like this with her things. My mom replaced their microwave and a shower curtain full of holes and she was piiiiiissed. Same thing, that shower curtain was the most important shower curtain in the whole universe. I don't know, maybe this is normal?
Don't feel bad, you have to cope with the situation the best you can. ((Hugs and hair pets))
Sorry. I hope it's over soon. I don't know the history but I would be pissed if someone went through my stuff and decided for me. I can see why she is pissed about that.
Well technically everything was left to my brother and me, so it's not "her stuff". We're letting her take whatever she wants, and she has been to the house and taken a lot in the past 10 months. We're keeping everything we think she might want.
I get that it's hard for her, but it's really fucking hard for me, too.
I'm so sorry lightbulb I can't imagine how hard this is on you.
Can you just not tell her what you are donating? This is your choice. I'm guessing she's only having this reaction at specific items. But she may not have remembered these items at all without you reminding her they exist.
Hugs to you. I can't imagine just how much suck you're dealing with. Keep your head down and power through the drama. And I agree about not looking for the books. Because next week it will be something else and you'll never be able to move forward. You really are a Rock star because this shit is not easy.
Oh man I am so sorry you have to do this! I have been there done that with 3 yes 3 family members and 2 of them were hoarders. They went to Long Term Care and I was the one who had to clean up and decide what went where. I so know how you feel.
Do what you are, and whatever you have to do to get it done in the least amount of time and interference. The only thing I would say about the books are, Could there be something of importance (stocks,old bills,) inside them? I found a family history, 3 very old bills, and a deed to a old house. So that would have been my thought no knowing a real back story. (((( Hugs))) It will end... sometime.
Well technically everything was left to my brother and me, so it's not "her stuff". We're letting her take whatever she wants, and she has been to the house and taken a lot in the past 10 months. We're keeping everything we think she might want.
I get that it's hard for her, but it's really fucking hard for me, too.
Oh, I thought it was her house and her stuff. Carry on!
Ah, I just re-read my OP and realized it sounded like I could be talking about my grandma's house. My mom died last September, and it's her house that was left to me and my bro.
Can you give your grandma one last chance, like a full day or whatever to come to house and get whatever it is she wants and just be done with that part? It seems to be adding so much more stress to you that she keeps coming by and getting things all the time. And now that she's had 10 months, it seems reasonable to give her one last day/weekend/whatever to come.
Can you give your grandma one last chance, like a full day or whatever to come to house and get whatever it is she wants and just be done with that part? It seems to be adding so much more stress to you that she keeps coming by and getting things all the time. And now that she's had 10 months, it seems reasonable to give her one last day/weekend/whatever to come.
She is coming over on Saturday to go through things. The problem is that she won't go through and take everything at once, it's this huge process for her. Which is why I thought it would help if my bro and I went through and kept things that seemed old/sentimental, and gave them to her so she could go through them on her own time at her house. Apparently that backfired.
My mom used to protect me from my grandma's crazy, and it's been hard dealing with the full dose since she's been gone.
Oh, I thought it was her house and her stuff. Carry on!
Ah, I just re-read my OP and realized it sounded like I could be talking about my grandma's house. My mom died last September, and it's her house that was left to me and my bro.
Difficult situation. Now I understand some of the backstory. Where will your grandma live after your mom's house is sold?
10 months is long enough for her to find the time to comb through everything at whatever pace she wants.
Now, it's just manipulative.
Agreed. Give her one final shot to take what she wants, then do with everything as you see fit. It's your house, not hers. Your stuff, not hers. Don't let her make you crazy.
Ah, I just re-read my OP and realized it sounded like I could be talking about my grandma's house. My mom died last September, and it's her house that was left to me and my bro.
Difficult situation. Now I understand some of the backstory. Where will your grandma live after your mom's house is sold?
Um, at her own house? She didn't live with my mom.