XP: I did it

[sunshineray]

I told him I wanted a divorce and asked him to move out. I went to a girlfriend's house tonight and we talked. I needed an IRL perspective I guess before I made that leap. She only validated what everyone here has been telling me the entire time. I think H and I are both in shock right now. He was angry. And defensive. Which wasn't unexpected. I literally just dropped it on him, but it really shouldn't have come as any surprise. He said he's calling out of work tomorrow so we can keep talking, but we'll see if he actually does that. I told him there wasn't anything left to say but he disagrees.

I'm so proud of how I stood up for myself tonight. I was exceptionally calm and I think that scared the shit out of him. Since he makes less than I do (did. I'm getting paid till Dec.) I think I'll just stay in our apartment since I think I can afford it. I'll need to come up with an actual single income budget very soon though.

Either way. Thank you. I know I've probably been insufferable over the last 6 weeks or so with my indecision but I couldn't have done it without all of you. It's so hard and so scary but I feel so relieved. Even though he's so angry. Thank you, thank you.

[margotmacomber]

Where is your daughter?  Or am I confused with someone else?

[ElizabethBennet]

Best of luck to you! I hope that you stick with this and this is the start of a happy life for you. And please get into counseling.


*The counseling suggestion is not meant to be flippant. I think it would really help you navigate what's coming up.

[elleblue]

Jul 19, 2013 2:18:03 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Were you the one whose H was getting naked pics from your sister?

Either way, ((hugs)) and I hope that the process will be as painless as possible.

Yep. And trading naked pics with her friend too (while she was out of town).

sunshineray - you are much better off. Trust.

[cuddlyevil]

Her daughter lives with her, but is from a previous relationship.

[lime]

Jul 19, 2013 11:03:53 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Jul 19, 2013 0:36:17 GMT -5 margotmacomber said:

Where is your daughter?  Or am I confused with someone else?

guess we will never know?

In her XP, she says the DD is at her dad's for the weekend. 

[anlo]

Wishing you all the best moving forward.

[shoeless]

you deserve better!

[margotmacomber]

Jul 19, 2013 11:10:12 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

What is the deal, people? She's doing the thing practically everyone here said she should do. Now it's all "hmmmm, what else are you hiding?! WE DEMAND ANSWERS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER."

Good grief. Go find an injured puppy to kick into the street.

That is my favorite activity.  Pomeranians specifically.  

[joshlyman]

Good for you! You deserve so much more.

[BaliHai]

Good for you! Best of luck with everything as you move forward.

[snickers]

Best of luck to you.

[Yankees21]

Good for you! Best of luck going forward.

[lime]

Jul 19, 2013 11:43:08 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

Jul 19, 2013 11:10:12 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

What is the deal, people? She's doing the thing practically everyone here said she should do. Now it's all "hmmmm, what else are you hiding?! WE DEMAND ANSWERS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER."

Good grief. Go find an injured puppy to kick into the street.

nope kev. it is bizarre that a mom makes no mention of her kid.

But this is her kid from her 1st marriage and her STBXH won't have any custody or visitation rights. So, long term, there isn't anything to work out with him. 

[sonrisa]

I'm agnostic on the MUD v. real debate here, but "what about your child?" is a reasonable question when a mom only uses the pronoun "I" in a post about life changing situations and plans. The daughter wasn't at her dad's last night. She was probably asleep during these conversations. One assumes she'll be continuing to live in the apartment with sunshine going forward (other than this weekend).

Sunshine: I hope things go smoothly for you with this transition.

[rex]

Good for you! You deserve better.

[kaybee85]

Good job sunshineray. Stay strong; you deserve better, and you know it.

[EmilieMadison]

Isn't it telling that he's angry, not sad or remorseful? And I bet he's angry at YOU , not at himself.
I hope you aren't just walking away, but pulling a Bliss and running 4 minute miles to get away from him.

[sunshineray]

I'm sorry for the post and run. It was late, I was exhausted and slept in this morning. I hadn't had a chance to do a ton of updating here and on TIP.

Anyway, yes, I have an 8 year old DD. My stbx isn't her dad and has no legal rights. She was asleep when we talked. Of course I've considered how this is going to affect her. Last night's post was literally me just talking out what happened with H, and since she wasn't there, it didn't seem relevant to mention her in that post.

There are obviously a lot of logistics to work through. But first I guess I'm going to have to deal with all of his questions. I'm annoyed that he didn't go to work today, apparently with the expectation that we are going to continue to talk about it. He is definitely angry with me. It's basically an "Oh my god, I can't believe you're actually just giving up and running away" reaction. It's telling. We talked a lot about personal responsibility and neither of us think the other is taking any. I cheated on him, so therefore I guess he expects me to pay him the same courtesy. Like, now we're even or some ridiculous shit.

He's not going to let this go. He's going to talk me to death and continue to point fingers. I have escaped to the pool for now and agreed that we would talk later this afternoon.

[sunshineray]

Jul 19, 2013 12:17:19 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

I hope you aren't just walking away, but pulling a Bliss and running 4 minute miles to get away from him.

App like.

[EmilieMadison]

Jul 19, 2013 12:26:54 GMT -5 sunshineray said:

I'm sorry for the post and run. It was late, I was exhausted and slept in this morning. I hadn't had a chance to do a ton of updating here and on TIP.

Anyway, yes, I have an 8 year old DD. My stbx isn't her dad and has no legal rights. She was asleep when we talked. Of course I've considered how this is going to affect her. Last night's post was literally me just talking out what happened with H, and since she wasn't there, it didn't seem relevant to mention her in that post.

There are obviously a lot of logistics to work through. But first I guess I'm going to have to deal with all of his questions. I'm annoyed that he didn't go to work today, apparently with the expectation that we are going to continue to talk about it. He is definitely angry with me. It's basically an "Oh my god, I can't believe you're actually just giving up and running away" reaction. It's telling. We talked a lot about personal responsibility and neither of us think the other is taking any. I cheated on him, so therefore I guess he expects me to pay him the same courtesy. Like, now we're even or some ridiculous shit.

He's not going to let this go. He's going to talk me to death and continue to point fingers. I have escaped to the pool for now and agreed that we would talk later this afternoon.

No, you DON'T have to deal with all of his questions, to sit around and debate about this while he tries to guilt and blame you into staying or taking responsibility, etc. 
JUST FUCKING LEAVE. You dont owe him an explanation. He knows why you're leaving and it's a damned good reason. Nothing he could say or do at this point should make a difference. 

[cheeseandcrackers]

i'm glad you escaped, for now anyway.
and on the bright side you can support yourself and he has no legal rights to your kid, so that's good at least.

[CurlyQ284]

You cheated on him? I must have missed that before.

Yeah I think its best for everyone that this ends.

[Deleted]

I hope you find peace and happiness. Don't let him hold you hostage with all of this "we need to keep talking" stuff. You told him what is happening and he had best figure out his plan because the wheels are already turning. Good luck.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Jul 19, 2013 12:31:24 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

You cheated on him? I must have missed that before.

Yeah I think its best for everyone that this ends.

While they were dating, I think.  It's what he has used to guilt her into going along with all the fuckery over the years.

[CurlyQ284]

Jul 19, 2013 12:31:54 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

Jul 19, 2013 12:31:24 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

You cheated on him? I must have missed that before.

Yeah I think its best for everyone that this ends.

While they were dating, I think.  It's what he has used to guilt her into going along with all the fuckery over the years.

Ohhhhhh I thought she meant like at the same time all this other stuff was going on. I was thinking "oh geez, its even messier!"

[sunshineray]

Jul 19, 2013 12:31:54 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

Jul 19, 2013 12:31:24 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

You cheated on him? I must have missed that before.

Yeah I think its best for everyone that this ends.

While they were dating, I think.  It's what he has used to guilt her into going along with all the fuckery over the years.

Yeah, we had only been dating about a year when that happened. So, like 4 years ago or something. We broke up for awhile and then ultimately got back together. There was a lot of talking back then too. Now I just feel exhausted from all the emotionally charged conversations.

[mirandahobbes]

Best of luck with everything. Cheating on him while dating, breaking up, then getting back together does not = he can sext anyone and everyone. I'm sure you know this.

[sunshineray]

Jul 19, 2013 13:47:26 GMT -5 mirandahobbes said:

Best of luck with everything. Cheating on him while dating, breaking up, then getting back together does not = he can sext anyone and everyone. I'm sure you know this.

I know that in my head, of course. Emotional abuse is such a more difficult thing to identify. It was much easier with my exH because he was physically abusive. This kind of abuse is so much more subtle. Sometimes I don't think he even consciously realizes he's doing it, and there's obviously no point in me pointing it out since his reaction would only be more defensiveness and blame shifting.

I got home a few minutes ago and he's on the phone, obviously talking about me. It's uncomfortable but I can handle it. I just don't know how I'm going to convince him that us talking is not necessary. He's very adamant that we talk some more and I know he's going to be very aggressive about that. THAT is what I'm dreading right now, honestly.

[cuddlyevil]

You know you don't have to stay there, right? If you are done talking to him about this, that's okay. Grab an overnight bag and go to a friend's place or crash at a hotel.