Best of luck with everything. Cheating on him while dating, breaking up, then getting back together does not = he can sext anyone and everyone. I'm sure you know this.
I know that in my head, of course. Emotional abuse is such a more difficult thing to identify. It was much easier with my exH because he was physically abusive. This kind of abuse is so much more subtle. Sometimes I don't think he even consciously realizes he's doing it, and there's obviously no point in me pointing it out since his reaction would only be more defensiveness and blame shifting.
I got home a few minutes ago and he's on the phone, obviously talking about me. It's uncomfortable but I can handle it. I just don't know how I'm going to convince him that us talking is not necessary. He's very adamant that we talk some more and I know he's going to be very aggressive about that. THAT is what I'm dreading right now, honestly.
You don't have to convince him. All you have to do is leave. He can't force you to talk if you're not there and don't engage. You don't owe him conversation. Unless you want to work things out (please say you don't), then there isn't anything to talk about anyway. The details can be handled through your attorney.
Post by amberlyrose on Jul 19, 2013 15:11:02 GMT -5
You need to let a friend in the near vicinity know to call and check up on you every few hours if he doesn't leave the house. You have no idea how he'll react after the next talk or even 10 hours from now.
I know that in my head, of course. Emotional abuse is such a more difficult thing to identify. It was much easier with my exH because he was physically abusive. This kind of abuse is so much more subtle. Sometimes I don't think he even consciously realizes he's doing it, and there's obviously no point in me pointing it out since his reaction would only be more defensiveness and blame shifting.
I got home a few minutes ago and he's on the phone, obviously talking about me. It's uncomfortable but I can handle it. I just don't know how I'm going to convince him that us talking is not necessary. He's very adamant that we talk some more and I know he's going to be very aggressive about that. THAT is what I'm dreading right now, honestly.
You don't have to convince him. All you have to do is leave. He can't force you to talk if you're not there and don't engage. You don't owe him conversation. Unless you want to work things out (please say you don't), then there isn't anything to talk about anyway. The details can be handled through your attorney.
sent from: I'm on my phone, don't expect much.
This. Don't engage. He is going to say anything and everything to try to get you to stay. I think avoiding the situation is the best move here.
Post by sunshineray on Jul 19, 2013 15:21:37 GMT -5
I have a local friend that I've told (it was her house I was at last night.) So I definitely have someone that knows what's going on. I am planning on staying with her this weekend and we have plans to get together this evening. So, if she didn't hear from me she'd know something was up, but I'll make sure I have an actual plan with her JIC.
I don't want to work it out. I think one of the hardest parts was working up the nerve to tell him I wanted a divorce. I mean, all this sucks too, but the hardest part in my mind is over.
I have a local friend that I've told (it was her house I was at last night.) So I definitely have someone that knows what's going on. I am planning on staying with her this weekend and we have plans to get together this evening. So, if she didn't hear from me she'd know something was up, but I'll make sure I have an actual plan with her JIC.
I don't want to work it out. I think one of the hardest parts was working up the nerve to tell him I wanted a divorce. I mean, all this sucks too, but the hardest part in my mind is over.
I have a local friend that I've told (it was her house I was at last night.) So I definitely have someone that knows what's going on. I am planning on staying with her this weekend and we have plans to get together this evening. So, if she didn't hear from me she'd know something was up, but I'll make sure I have an actual plan with her JIC.
I don't want to work it out. I think one of the hardest parts was working up the nerve to tell him I wanted a divorce. I mean, all this sucks too, but the hardest part in my mind is over.
Go to your friend's house now.
Now.
I am actually. H just left to get food and I'm packing a bag and headed out.
If you go to survivinginfidelity.com, look in the boxes in the left corner, there is something called the "healing library" Look under "questions for the BS (betrayed spouse)" and there is a question desling with something called the 180. I think it will be helpful for you.
Good luck. It sucks.
Signed,
BTDT, currently separated with a STBXH who is in a major guilt trip about leaving.
Good Luck to you sunshine. You know you have made the right decision and I totally agree with other posters suggestions of do not engage him. He will try to wear you down and put this on you somehow.
Make sure people know where you are and keep your head straight. ((((hugs))) and look forward to the new life ahead, it is going to be tough but not as tough as trying to stay in a marriage that isn't working.
You sound a lot stronger. I hope you were able to distance yourself from your toxic sister, as well.
Thank you. I haven't spoken to my sister in weeks. We exchanged a long FB message but the ball is in her court now and I'm not planning on reaching out her.
I got a call from my ex friend this afternoon as well but didn't answer. The timing is a little suspect to me and I'm not sure I even want to have a conversation with her about it.
You know you don't have to stay there, right? If you are done talking to him about this, that's okay. Grab an overnight bag and go to a friend's place or crash at a hotel.
Preferably a friend that doesn't sext your husband
Lol. It's not funny, but it is. I am at a legit friend's house tonight. H has texted me several times tonight but I'm fucking over it. I've been drinking, FTR. My anger comes out a lot more after a few drinks.
Thank you. I haven't spoken to my sister in weeks. We exchanged a long FB message but the ball is in her court now and I'm not planning on reaching out her.
I got a call from my ex friend this afternoon as well but didn't answer. The timing is a little suspect to me and I'm not sure I even want to have a conversation with her about it.
I would be very careful about putting too much blame on the people YOU brought into your marriage.
I'm glad you're getting out. This guy is bad news, and nothing good was going to come of staying.
I 100% agree. I'm really not trying to place any blame elsewhere. This is between H and I. I have accepted my share of the blame in allowing this to continue.
Lol. It's not funny, but it is. I am at a legit friend's house tonight. H has texted me several times tonight but I'm fucking over it. I've been drinking, FTR. My anger comes out a lot more after a few drinks.
Don't engage, don't tell him where you are, and cool it on the heavy drinking until you are past all of this. He wants a response - good or negative. In this situation reacting doesn't move you forward.
I'm not engaging. I legitimately don't want to talk to him. There is no drunk texting going on here. I'm fucking done.
I'm really glad you're spending the weekend elsewhere, and I wish you the best with getting your ducks in a row.
Not trying to kick you while you're down, but you might want to examine your alcohol consumption a bit. It seems that it's contributed to and escalated some of your woes. I'm a drinker myself, and I've certainly used the booze to self medicate/forget -- and it's also gotten me into some sticky situations in the past, so I'm not judging. But, yknow. Your use sounds like its maybe detrimental, and it seems like you'll need a clear head for everything that's coming.
I really do hope everything works out well for you.